how to deal with your bf's/gf's past?

[Becstacy]

Hey, I'm new here, and I need some advice on how to get over an issue that, for some reason, I'm having a really hard time coping with. Although it is probably pretty common and may not even be a huge matter of concern in most relationships, I feel that it is something that most can relate to.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and we are very happy with one other. We talk seriously about getting married after graduation, but the actual date may be put on hold due to grad school. Although I am a Christian and he is not, and there have been some physical temptations and sexual backsliding (not sex, per se, but definitely touching), he accepts my faith and holds me in the utmost respect regarding my choice to remain a virgin until marriage.

So here's where the problem comes in. Maybe partially owing to the fact that he isn't a Christian, he doesn't put as high a premium on sex as I do (at least, not before), so we don't see eye to eye on that. But when he was a senior in highschool, he had sex (frequently) with his then-girlfriend, a junior and definitely underaged. (there was also a cultural and ethnic difference if anyone wants to address that) How should i explain to him that what he did was wrong without shoving the word of God down his throat, and how can I deal with this fact personally and spiritually?

When you come to care about someone so deeply, it just hurts to think that your significant other has reached that level physically with someone else, when you hoped he would've waited for you...I don't know, it's hard to explain how I feel. And I've already considered things like "well, he didn't know you back then..."

I just don't know where to start...is anyone willing to help?



Thank you! Any help would be much appreciated!!

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

your first, and possibly biggest, problem is that he isn't a christian. Maybe you should work on that before you work on anything else

 

[JamieGraham]

Hi and welcome!

This has several levels to address-
1st is your devotion to God and his lack of devotion.
This is most critical especially in consideration of marriage. If you expect your husband to have the same dedication you already have a problem. If you expect your children to be of faith and devoted to God you may also have a porblem there. This should be addressed before you dive into things you cannot change - his past.

2nd. Just that - you cannot change the past and that he chose to share a devine part of himself with another woman. and yes - unfortunately many men and women do not understand the full realm of that relationship and loving act - the degrade it to sex. Maybe he did not hink of it that way - I dont know - that is a whole other issues related to his prior relationship. I would seriously consider evaluating this as if he does not hold this in high regard - what are his opinions on devotion to you, your relationship and faithfulnesss to YOU and God.??

I think you really need to look at core beliefs here.
Both yours and his. You may need to be honest with yourself - even if it hurts and if it means that he is not the one for you. You are young - it is better to stop a problem now before you enter into a deeper relationship much less bring children into this potential conflict- and this is not a light conflict. This is core beliefs, who you are and how you choose to live your life.

One thing I do know is that badgering him about his beliefs, non-beliefs and prior sexual relations that you cannot change will be a tricky road. Although you can give him insight on your beliefs and ask him about his thoughts on your beliefs and longer term desires for YOUR family. The fact is he cannot change the past - only his future.

Your life is something YOU and God design in faith. Not something that can be dictated by another. It is your choice.

I will be watching for your input and thoughts....

Jamie

 

[JamieGraham]

Oh - what about the difference in culture??
What were the cultures?

This is often another issues as many cultures value varying belief systems and religions. Many times this cannot be synched as the husband wants his kids to be HIS culture and the wife hers....

Not sure to specifics as I dont know the cultures...

Jamie

 

[Becstacy]

Firstly, thank you alwayz_remember_Calvery for such a quick reply! =)

now, I don't mean any disrespect but, umm...that doesn't really help me solve the problem at hand. I have indeed looked at the big picture and the overall design of things, and of course I am slowly introducing him to God, but that's not going to make me turn someone I love deeply into a mere project. I'm "working on it," and that's all I can say. Changing someone is a long term thing and it's not going to happen overnight, and if I could have told myself that, then why even bother making this post.

What I mean from this thread is, can anyone guide me in finding the appropriate scriptures or an attitude I should take on that can make me feel better about his past actions? I'm not going to condemn him outright for what he did; everyone makes mistakes and to err is human, but what can I do to learn to be more accepting and forgiving like God when his children sin before his very eyes?

If there are questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

Again, I don't mean any disrespect. I'm sorry if I sound snappy or bitter; I really am just trying to find some answers!

 

[Becstacy]

Firstly, thank you alwayz_remember_Calvery for such a quick reply! =)

now, I don't mean any disrespect but, umm...that doesn't really help me solve the problem at hand. I have indeed looked at the big picture and the overall design of things, and of course I am slowly introducing him to God, but that's not going to make me turn someone I love deeply into a mere project. I'm "working on it," and that's all I can say. Changing someone is a long term thing and it's not going to happen overnight, and if I could have told myself that, then why even bother making this post.

What I mean from this thread is, can anyone guide me in finding the appropriate scriptures or an attitude I should take on that can make me feel better about his past actions? I'm not going to condemn him outright for what he did; everyone makes mistakes and to err is human, but what can I do to learn to be more accepting and forgiving like God when his children sin before his very eyes?

If there are questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

Again, I don't mean any disrespect. I'm sorry if I sound snappy or bitter; I really am just trying to find some answers!

lol sorry, that last reply was in response to alwayz_remember_Calvery's post...I'm still a lil slow ><

 

[eyeliv4God]

Becstacy- This is coming from someone who was engaged to an unbeliever: GET OUT FAST! That might sound so bad, but honestly, you do not understand how much heartache you'll be saving yourself if you get out of the relationship now. I was engaged for almost two years and struggled so much with being unequally yoked. Needless to say, the relationship was over not much longer after it began. I just chose to ignore my wise elders and dragged it out, being emotionally ripped to shreds. It may not seem like it, but heed my words: being unequally yoked is dangerous! I'm finally courting a Christian man and I cannot tell you how much God has blessed me and how much stronger my relationship with Christ has been since.

Good luck with everything; you will definitely be in my prayers. May Christ help you gather enough courage to get out ASAP. May He help you think with your head rather than your heart.

 

[Becstacy]

Oh - what about the difference in culture??
What were the cultures?

This is often another issues as many cultures value varying belief systems and religions. Many times this cannot be synched as the husband wants his kids to be HIS culture and the wife hers....

Not sure to specifics as I dont know the cultures...

Jamie

yeah, my boyfriend and I are both Asian (although we were both raised in America, so we're pretty Westernized hehe, we just share a lot of the same Asian values and traditional beliefs), but his ex-girlfriend was white.

this might be why things never worked out between him and her. he also admitted that a lot of what he felt for her was lust and that he was at a point in his life when he didn't "know exactly what love was." this makes me feel better and I don't know why.

the only difference between my boyfriend and I in background is that he is cantonese and I am mandarin. if you ever meet a cantonese person, they are known to be quite stubborn and brutally honest to the point of seeming rude, but never underestimate their loyalty. my guy has demonstrated to me countless times his complete commitment to our relationship and shown that he would be willing to do anything for me. I'm not too worried about the future (in a sense), if we decide to get married, because I know there will be less than a 0% chance of him being unfaithful or demeaning me in any way for being Christian. we even talked about what would happen to our children. like, I painting a visual picture of me taking them to church, and he doesn't mind at all. but that's a little too far off on the horizon.

I hope ppl can understand my desire to stay with him and not give up all hope that we can make it work. i mean, when you think about how hard it is to find a decent guy in this world, and once you've found one, how do you keep expecting that God has something even better in store for you each time? that sounds almost...greedy. Because this is my first relationship, I feel like God brought us together for a reason, be it marriage or otherwise. and I have often wondered about if having him in my life will affect how close I will be with God...etc, but then again, how will I know what I have put at stake if I stay with him, and how will I know what I am giving up if I leave him?

woah lol sorry for the rambling

 

[Becstacy]

Becstacy- This is coming from someone who was engaged to an unbeliever: GET OUT FAST! That might sound so bad, but honestly, you do not understand how much heartache you'll be saving yourself if you get out of the relationship now. I was engaged for almost two years and struggled so much with being unequally yoked. Needless to say, the relationship was over not much longer after it began. I just chose to ignore my wise elders and dragged it out, being emotionally ripped to shreds. It may not seem like it, but heed my words: being unequally yoked is dangerous! I'm finally courting a Christian man and I cannot tell you how much God has blessed me and how much stronger my relationship with Christ has been since.

Good luck with everything; you will definitely be in my prayers. May Christ help you gather enough courage to get out ASAP. May He help you think with your head rather than your heart.

awww =( I'm so sorry to hear that you were in a bad relationship...thank you for the kind advice!

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

Firstly, thank you alwayz_remember_Calvery for such a quick reply! =)

now, I don't mean any disrespect but, umm...that doesn't really help me solve the problem at hand. I have indeed looked at the big picture and the overall design of things, and of course I am slowly introducing him to God, but that's not going to make me turn someone I love deeply into a mere project. I'm "working on it," and that's all I can say. Changing someone is a long term thing and it's not going to happen overnight, and if I could have told myself that, then why even bother making this post.

What I mean from this thread is, can anyone guide me in finding the appropriate scriptures or an attitude I should take on that can make me feel better about his past actions? I'm not going to condemn him outright for what he did; everyone makes mistakes and to err is human, but what can I do to learn to be more accepting and forgiving like God when his children sin before his very eyes?

If there are questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

Again, I don't mean any disrespect. I'm sorry if I sound snappy or bitter; I really am just trying to find some answers!

Becstacy-
you're response was very kind. Not snappy or bitter at all.

We, as Christians, are instructed to not be yoked together with unbelievers. There are way to many differences in beliefs and values. I understand that you love your boyfriend, i understand that you care for him very very deeply and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. I understand that, i really do, but I'm begging you to think about this for a little while. Please, pray and search the Bible for your answer.
Ask people on this board who are married to unbelievers what it's like. Ask them how hard it is. If you do get married to him, what will happen when you have children? I'm not saying you can't save this man, anyone can be saved by the grace of God. What if you can't save him. What will you tell your children if they ask you if daddy is going to go to heaven? Please, please, just think it over.
Please

 

[JVD]

I could give you all kinds of reasons, but I don't have time so the short and sweet is this. If he isn't a christian, the rest doesn't matter.

You should sit down and make a few "will not break" rules for choosing a mate. For most christians one of the first rules will be to choose a christian.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Yeah, I do think that the "problem" is that he is not Christian. You will not be able to get him to see the truth as the truth is of God in this matter. Men who are not Christians in most cases think it is ok to lust after other women, etc. I would reconsider getting into a serious relationship with a non-Christian. The Bible does talk about not being yoked with an unbeliever.

 

[ahmunmun]

if you ever meet a cantonese person, they are known to be quite stubborn and brutally honest to the point of seeming rude, but never underestimate their loyalty.

As someone from Hong Kong, I would like to say... er, thanks. I hope nobody here feels this way about me.

More importantly, about your situation... I can say that a believer would not be happy married to a non-believer. You already mentioned that your view on sex is different. That's number one. There will be other different views that will come up after marriage. I can come up with some just off the top of my head:

1. If you are going through the biggest problem of your life, where no human beings can help you, what would you do? Pray, right? Wouldn't you want your significant other to join you in prayer? Well, you wouldn't get it.

2. If you two go through financial problems, would he not want you to continue offering 1/10 of your money to God? You would be loyal to God and trust Him to handle your financial problems, he wouldn't.

3. What if you two have children? What religion will they be converted to? If your husband do let you convert your children to Christianity, then won't your heart be full of sorrow when you explain to your children that their daddy will not join you and them in Heaven, but he will go... wow, I can't even finish this sentence. I'm sure you know what will happen. Even I am heartbroken when I have to answer the question of where non-believers will go after they die. I can't imagine saying that about my significant other.

Please consider the advice we're giving you. As hard as it is to leave him, trust in God to provide you with someone better! God's choice is better than what you can imagine.

 

[ignorant and stupid]

Try telling him the good things about sex. Just talk about the positive... God made it...

GOD LOVES SEX.

Talk about why marriage is statisically incredibly important for sex. Sex in marriage is statistically better

 

[eatenbylocusts]

When I was your age and younger I was not involved in any youth groups so I never met Christian guys, so I never dated a Christian. The man that I married was not a Christian when I met him. When we were about to break up he told me that he had accepted Christ. I didn't wait to see if he produced any fruit.

You already know that you are being disobedient if you marry a non-Christian, right? You are also being incredibly selfish if you marry him and have children. I didn't think about the kids in my future. Now, my kids don't have a father since he ran away to another country to get away from financial problems after our divorce. Actually, that might have been a blessing since he was mean to our son. He never got a chance to treat my daughter like that because I was pregnant when we separated.

Just because a Christian has not come into your life it is no excuse to start dating a non-christian. Sometimes you have to wait on God and at the same time use all the resources around you to put yourself around Christian guys. If you are like the way I was you're not going to end this relationship despite all of the same advice you're getting here. Hopefully you will not disobey God and end up marrying him, but I hope you will not make the same mistake in the future. Life is much better when we are actually obedient to God.

The plan for a Christian marriage is that the woman will respect and trust her husband enough to be able to submit to him. She should be able to do this because she knows that he loves her in a selfless manner like Christ did for the church. Problems occur in a marriage when the woman doesn't do this. How can you submit to a man who doesn't submit to God? The man is to be the spiritual head of the family and is responsible for the spiritual growth of his wife. Are you willing to risk the souls of your future children because they will be getting a different message from their father? If he doesn't believe then why do they have to? If he doesn't have to go to church, why do they? Think ahead to the teen years. If you disobeyed God by marrying a non-Christian then why can't your children break any rule they want to? How will you justify this to your kids? Obey God when it is convienent for you? A spiritually mature Christian obeys God even when it is not what their human nature wants. You may think right now that you will just have a wonderful Sunday taking your kids to church while your husband sleeps in, but you will be wrong. You will start to be annoyed with him and it will be a source of arguments because you will want him to go with you. You will be like a single mother and you will be jealous of the intact families that you see in church. That's the truth-forget the fuzzy, sweet pictures you have painted in your head about a marriage with a non-believer.

I have had one relationship with a Christian man since I have been divorced and it was an awesome experience. I became attracted to him not because of his exterior, but because of his heart. I fell in love with him when I heard him sing praise songs. I almost cried in our marriage prep class when I realized that he was a man that I could trust enough to submit to and I realized that I felt it would be an honor to do that.

 

[Leanna]

I think that you cannot explain why him having sex with her was wrong without him being a Christian. It will simply be impossible. It is *because* a person is Christian that they hold a high standard on sex so it doesn't surprise me at all that he is not concerned with it.

 

[Maeyken]

I think that you cannot explain why him having sex with her was wrong without him being a Christian. It will simply be impossible. It is *because* a person is Christian that they hold a high standard on sex so it doesn't surprise me at all that he is not concerned with it.

That's just what I was going to say! I don't think your bf will realize that sex before marriage is wrong unless he is a Christian. And if he's not Christian, he won't be asking for forgiveness for it, because he won't see it as something that needs to be forgiven. I think you will find some huge difficulties that you don't anticpate if you continue your relationship with him.

 

[Mskedi]

Chances are my views won't be popular, but here it goes...

First of all, if you're dating a non-Christian, that's your choice. There are plenty of people who will tell you that it's bad, but I can produce an equal number of people who will tell you it's just fine. I've seen both purely Christian and half-Christian couples divorce, and I've seen both types survive into old age. My great-grandpa, for one, dropped off my great-grandma at church every Sunday for 70 years (they lived into their nineties). I didn't enter into my relationship with my semi-Buddhist bf without thinking that through. I just wanted to clarify that I won't be bothering you about that.

Now what really seems to be bothering you is his sexual past. What you need to know is that it's his past. Chances are he doesn't think back on his sexual experiences with his ex at all except when you ask him about it. Your best bet is to be totally open with him about your feelings... don't make it a judgement because it's already happened and there's really no sense in that, but do let him know how important sex is to you. Make sure that he has the same monogomous intentions with you. Let him reassure you that you're the only woman on his mind (from what you wrote in your first couple posts, it seems that you already know that but would like reassurance.)

Everyone has a past -- it's part of what makes them who they are now, and you've decided to love what he's become. Don't forget that this particular part that you're not too fond of also shaped who he is today.

As someone who has made amends with my bf's past, I can relate to what you're going through. Time and communication are key.

I'm not big on posting personal details publically, but I'm totally open to a PM if you'd like to hear a more detailed explanation of how we got through that stage in our relationship.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Chances are my views won't be popular, but here it goes...

First of all, if you're dating a non-Christian, that's your choice. There are plenty of people who will tell you that it's bad, but I can produce an equal number of people who will tell you it's just fine. I've seen both purely Christian and half-Christian couples divorce, and I've seen both types survive into old age. My great-grandpa, for one, dropped off my great-grandma at church every Sunday for 70 years (they lived into their nineties). I didn't enter into my relationship with my semi-Buddhist bf without thinking that through. I just wanted to clarify that I won't be bothering you about that.

Now what really seems to be bothering you is his sexual past. What you need to know is that it's his past. Chances are he doesn't think back on his sexual experiences with his ex at all except when you ask him about it. Your best bet is to be totally open with him about your feelings... don't make it a judgement because it's already happened and there's really no sense in that, but do let him know how important sex is to you. Make sure that he has the same monogomous intentions with you. Let him reassure you that you're the only woman on his mind (from what you wrote in your first couple posts, it seems that you already know that but would like reassurance.)

Everyone has a past -- it's part of what makes them who they are now, and you've decided to love what he's become. Don't forget that this particular part that you're not too fond of also shaped who he is today.

As someone who has made amends with my bf's past, I can relate to what you're going through. Time and communication are key.

I'm not big on posting personal details publically, but I'm totally open to a PM if you'd like to hear a more detailed explanation of how we got through that stage in our relationship.

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

The word of God will stand forever.....So, why do you disregard what the Bible says about being unequally yoked? Christians do get divorced and shouldn't that be a clue to the rest of us to be extremely careful about our choice in a mate? That's not a sign to through all the rules and commone sense out of the window. There are unequally yoked couples that have been married a long time, but a lot of those people come from a long time ago when a promise was a promise. It's more difficult to find that kind of attitude in a non-christian who doesn't think there is a higher power to be reckoned with.

Please don't lead another believer astray while you are trying to justify dating a non-believer. This has nothing to do with being popular; this is about being obedient to God. If you haven't read my earlier post in this thread, please do.

 

[ahmunmun]

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

The word of God will stand forever.....So, why do you disregard what the Bible says about being unequally yoked? Christians do get divorced and shouldn't that be a clue to the rest of us to be extremely careful about our choice in a mate? That's not a sign to through all the rules and commone sense out of the window. There are unequally yoked couples that have been married a long time, but a lot of those people come from a long time ago when a promise was a promise. It's more difficult to find that kind of attitude in a non-christian who doesn't think there is a higher power to be reckoned with.

Please don't lead another believer astray while you are trying to justify dating a non-believer. This has nothing to do with being popular; this is about being obedient to God. If you haven't read my earlier post in this thread, please do.

The problem is that not every believers think that 2 Corinthians 6:14 is talking about marriage to non-believers. However, I can tell you that when I was reading through that verse, I felt that God was reminding me once again not to consider dating non-believers. I don't know if that means anything to the OP, because she obviously didn't hear it for herself. I do encourage her to listen to what God has to say, and not shut out things that she doesn't want to hear. I can't help but to notice that she hasn't been back replying posts. I hope it's not because most of us are telling her what she doesn't want to hear...

My personal message to the OP is to please take our advice into strong consideration. It's not because we don't want to help you deal with your boyfriend's past; it's because we see a bigger problem - that he's a non-believer. If you have a problem with a boyfriend who is a believer, we would of course be more than happy to pray for you and give you advice. When you say your boyfriend is a non-believer, we become concerned. We don't want to see you unhappy with your marriage, and then come back to this forum and advising others not to date unbelievers because of how your life turned out. Look at the bad relationship stories with non-believers that other people on your thread are sharing with you. I especially like eatenbylocusts' point about putting your future children at risk when they hear their father's view on Christianity. And please, read my last post where I have given you some hypothetical situations where your husband being a non-believer will affect your marriage.

I will forget the insult you made at Cantonese people. I care about you enough to advise you to leave the non-believer, and trust that God will provide you with someone better, who will share your same Christian view. Read Proverbs 3:5-6. I'm sure that other people here care about you too so they're advising you the same thing, right guys?