How to deal with my paranoia of being broken up with?

[Lprdgecko]

Hello all.

I've been dating my boyfriend for nine months now (though we've known each other for almost two years). He is a really great guy, we have so much in common, and we get along really well.

This is going to sound silly and teenager-ish, but...

There are times that I get so paranoid that he wants to break up with me, which is nowhere close to the truth. I have no reason to think that he wants to, but every time a text message I send him goes unanswered for a day, I freak out and start thinking that he is mad at me, ignorning me, annoyed with me, etc. Again, not true.

I'm not even texting him about important things... Just trying to make conversation... I ask how his day has been or what his plans for tomorrow are. I know deep down and from past experiences that if he doesn't answer these texts, he is either busy at the time, doesn't see the messages until much later, etc. But I still have those freak-out moments.

I think it is because I am a shy person and inexperienced when it comes to dating (I've only ever had one other boyfriend and I'm 21, and these same feelings happened when I was dating the other guy as well, right around this time in the relationship, though those "paranoid" feelings were more justified with that person).

Any advice on how to deal with my paranoid feelings? I try to keep telling myself that I'm overreacting, but I never really feel the "relief" from these thoughts until he either texts back or I see him again.

 

[BFine]

Do you have other friends?

What is you faith walk like with the Lord?
Are you grounded in the Word of God?

OK, you sent your bf a text...do keep checking your phone
expecting him to reply "at any moment"?

If this is how you react, something is out of line.
Whether he answers you back in 2 minutes or at the end of the day it
shouldn't unnerve you. Putting too much dependency on your bf to keep
you "happy" will make you go all out of sorts if he doesn't respond as quickly
as you think he should.
Root yourself in Christ above all others.

That ex boyfriend of yours who did you wrong, forgive him...put all that junk in
God's hands, surrender your fear/doubts over how that guy treated you. Ask
God to help you work out this forgiveness and heal your deep hurts.
Trust/believe God to work this out.

I would also encourage you to seek out another lady at church who could
mentor you or even be your prayer partner.

Learn to put on the full armor of God each day so you can withstand
the fiery arrows of the enemy.

Having unrealistic expectations of your bf or anyone else for that matter
will cause you undue stress/heartaches. A lot of relationships and marriages
break down because either the wife or husband (or both) had unrealistic expectations
of the other person.

 

[BFine]

I forget this: Welcome 2 the forum!

 

[Lprdgecko]

Hello and thank you for your reply and welcome.

Sorry if my wording was unclear in my original post, but I don't have any "expectations" or "rules" (for lack of a better word) on how soon I would like him to text me back. I know he's busy and doesn't have his phone with him at times, the same thing happens with me sometimes. It's just, if I haven't seen him all week and he hasn't responded to my messages for two or three days, then I get into those "what if" moods, even though I have no evidence of either of us wanting to end the relationship.

As for the first guy I dated, he never did anything really "wrong" to me or anything like that, we just drifted apart. We are still friends, though.

Thank you again for your reply

 

[CounselorForChrist]

When your new to datings its a trial itself. In a world that talks about divorces, cheating, abuse...etc its hard to not be paranoid at first. But I've learned to filter out those feelings and focus on the love I have for the other person because my paranoia can ruin a good relationship when your new to it.

 

[Life2Christ]

Any advice on how to deal with my paranoid feelings? I try to keep telling myself that I'm overreacting, but I never really feel the "relief" from these thoughts until he either texts back or I see him again.

Your paranoia is going to drive him away. Not now but eventually. I think you need to develop and maintain a life outside of your boyfriend with other friends or with classes or hobbies. If you put all your eggs in one basket with this guy and you breakup with him, its going to be very bad for you.

 

[DreamerOfHearts]

Unfortunately, your paranoia may be well founded.

Relationships really take roost in the heart and breed there.


If you do not feel him in your heart, that would be because he is not there. He is likely busy with someone else.

Good news is truth is useful. He talks to you, and is there sometimes, so you just have to seduce him more.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

I really have never bought the whole "Sorry I didn't get around to it" thing with texting. Uh, it's your phone. You look at it. If you have a message, you see it. Reply. It's pretty simple.

If he's not replying to your messages, he quite honestly doesn't care enough to do so. I have never once in my entire busy life been so busy that I literally could not reply to a text message. That's absurd.

 

[Ark100]

9 months is a while, you should not be feeling like this in a 9 month relationship.
You need to deal with your paranoia and some low self esteem issue.
Pray to The Lord to grant you inner peace, inner contentment, and inner belief in yourself.
You cannot change people in that way. You have to be content in yourself so that you can deal with how people act, so that it wont bother you or make you feel less loved.
Being self-confident, self-assured, having things going on for you and giving yourself some space does help build relationship with the other person.
Don't worry too much about the texts. I say this because; 'they don't answer calls or reply texts' does not always mean they are not that into you, or they care less or they want to break up with you. In some cases if you feel they want to break up with you solely because they don';t call back or answer texts, its not them, its your own deep rooted fear that stemmed possible from low self esteem, insecurity or some other fear or past related issues which you need to deal with.
If you can discuss it with him, let him know how you feel. 9 months is a while.
If you cant discuss this simple issue with him, then maybe its not the right relationship for you.
Lastly, The Lord can help you deal with whatever it is that is causing fear in you. Pray to Him

 

[ILWJ]

If the problems stem from texting, maybe you should stop texting him. Talking in person or on the phone is a better way to communicate because you can hear each others voices and assess the conversation more accurately. Also, in my experience, many guys do not like to chat about how their day is going, etc. on the phone but mainly to make plans that involve action as opposed to conversation. Once you understand how much Jesus loves you, your confidence will be higher and approval from a human guy won't be as important as it once was. =)

 

[paul1149]

I'm not even texting him about important things... Just trying to make conversation... I ask how his day has been or what his plans for tomorrow are

This might be at the root of the problem. After a while, I personally get tired of "make conversation" stuff. It works for a while, but then it becomes an annoyance. You might have an insecurity that ironically could drive him further away. You may need to stand more independently of him, and try to make sure your interaction with him is generally meaningful and edifying. Of course that does not mean you can't just pass time with him and have crazy fun, but there's a time for everything.

You actually could ask him how he feels about the light texts, and whether it would be good to cut back on them a bit. It could be a good exercise in communication and learning how to serve each other's needs.

 

[vortigen84]

I've been dating my boyfriend for nine months now (though we've known each other for almost two years). He is a really great guy, we have so much in common, and we get along really well.

Cool. Does he know if he wants you yet? If yes, then he needs to formally propose and stop mucking you around.

There are times that I get so paranoid that he wants to break up with me, which is nowhere close to the truth. I have no reason to think that he wants to, but every time a text message I send him goes unanswered for a day, I freak out and start thinking that he is mad at me, ignorning me, annoyed with me, etc. Again, not true.

If I was a young woman like you and had a "boyfriend" that I'd been dating for 9 months, I'd want to know if he wants to go all the way. I don't mean go to bed, but to the altar and to the end of your life. I don't think you're being that paranoid, I think you have some legitimate grounds for concern. To put it in an unglamorous metaphor: you're a car, and he's tire-kicking.

What I'd do is put him to the point. Tell him you're thinking of calling your relationship off, because he's being indecisive. That should give him a wake up call. He needs to know that's it either all in or all out. If he can't make his mind up, then he's not the one for you because he can't commit yet, he's too immature.

 

[Lprdgecko]

Thank you to all of you for your replies. As of today, my "fears" are gone, and I doubt they will be back anytime soon. I was at his family's house today for supper. His family (especially his mom) has, for the past couple months, have liked to ask hypothetical "If you guys ever got married" questions. Well today at dinner one of those types of conversations came up. I don't remember exactly what was said, and there were multiple people talking at the same time, but my boyfriend said, "Well, when we eventually get married..." when. Not if. When. Everyone noticed that he said that. He didn't deny it, either, even when his younger brothers were pestering him about it.

Could it have been a slip of the tongue? Sure. But the fact that he didn't say, "Oh, I meant 'if'" says to me that he's in it for the long haul. Of course, neither of us is ready to get married yet (we haven't quite gotten to the point of saying the L word to each other), so I seriously doubt that he is going to propose anytime soon, but still, that statement made me feel good

Of course, I can't get my hopes and expectations up too high. You never know what can happen down the road, but for now I'm a happy camper