how to deal with frustrating mother

[myquestions]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

 

[heron]

So sorry about that. I wonder what some people are thinking!

Take a few minutes to look at from a distance--

Some of the great achievers of our day were so fed up with an environment that didn't nurture, that they broke out of it and lived for what they knew would get them through. They became capable despite circumstances and criticism, and were able to handle criticism better on the job.

Let me think....

Roald Dahl was fresh on my mind from another post. Apparently he grew up in horrible boarding schools, and wrote with compassion for kids who might face similar circumstances.

Oprah G. Winfrey was abused at age 9 by a family friend.

Dolly Parton lived in one room with 12 family members.

I'm blanking out, but you get the idea.

You're at an age where I think there's a natural instinct that kicks in, a flee-the-nest thing that drives kids and parents crazy. Birds kick their babies out into open air to get them to fly...it's cruel, but they don't do it for cruelty. Look at some of this tension as slightly natural. Not all of it, of course.

Start taking initiative to find ways to set up your life. You've probably been obedient for many years, and it could feel like independent decisions are a form of rebellion. But you're an adult now, and you'll need to mix independence with respect for a good five years before she catches on that you're capable. Show her you are.

Parents have to make sacrifices for their kids. It's hard to understand exactly what that means unless you're in that spot...it's a parent's job, right?

Imagine if you had to come up with college payments and wedding expenses for your brother, or a friend. Of course you want to take care of them, but there are so many unknowns...so much incertainty as to whether the sacrifice will pay off.

Then imagine if you didn't do those things for people you love... what their future would look like.

Meanwhile, she might be frustrated with her own aging process, not having the energy, health and capabilities she used to have. This will increase with time. In a couple decades, you won't see her as oppressive and not always right, but as truly not thinking clearly.

Work with what you have, and move in ways that you need to for your own future.

​

 

[Robinsegg]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

One thing you can do is "consider the source". Don't expect that which your mother is unlikely (and maybe unable) to give you. Don't look for affirmation from her. Find someone else to look up to and find affirmation from.

That doesn't mean your mother is inconsequential or no longer worthy of your respect. You may never end up respecting her as a person, but you need to respect her position as your mother.

The ultimate provider of affirmation is God. He loved you (even if you don't recognize it yet) enough to allow His Son to come to Earth and suffer for you. He's willing to make you worthy of Him and He's willing to adopt you into His family and be your Father. He wants to make you feel good about your accomplishments and about yourself. But He can't do that without a relationship with you. If you're willing to search for a relationship, a friendship with Him, He's willing to do all I said above.

Rachel

 

[dvd_holc]

It is rough for you. It is a very bad thing for a parent to mistreat their children...My heart goes out to you...You aren't alone in this...God knows your injustce...You can give it to him. Don't hold onto the words and deeds of your mother...they will make you bitter, hatful, and spiteful. Living like that is not the way you were meant to be. So please, ask God to take this burden from you and to help you forgive her for the past, present, and future. For now...you have to humble before your mother because if you don't break free of his burden, you will be like her to others around you...and you already know how that feels.

 

[heron]

Don't expect that which your mother is unlikely (and maybe unable) to give you.

Living like that is not the way you were meant to be....if you don't break free of his burden, you will be like her to others around you

Wise words.

Think of all the kids who are abused and neglected, whose parents are junkies...then think backward from there. Anyone can become a parent. Parents are just average humans, even when they insist they know best.

 

[devotee]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

Your mum sounds like how my dad can be - someitmes.

I find that knowing his background lets me see where his anger, jealousy and pain are coming from - he's 8 years old and his dad is treting himas he does me now. I find it difficult to hold a lot of anger at 8 yr olds, so the technique helps me have compassion for him He is in pain, he is reverting to a time long ago. Perhaps your mum is too.

This doesn't excuse her behaviour. As for how to interact with her...mmm With my dad when he really gets going I say "Have peace dad" and that stops his barrleing train. But you need to mean it, and if your angry well its hard to wish others well.

A monk once remined a pupil that when the pupil didn't want something he just said "No thanks". So I do this now with my dad, and others - no thanks(outloud), no thanks (in my mind). Their anger is theirs I can choose not to take it when they offer it. But i've had to practice.

There's are books about Verbal Self-Defense on the web; a fav response to criticism for me is to respond with a platitutde or proverb b/c it derails their anger train, and I can wlak away calmly while the other tries to work out what I meant e.g., A train's tracks go both ways.

Hope this helps some.

Perhaps if you gave us specific examples we could give you some options on responding. Sometimes ignoring is great - you are the eye, they are the storm (we have cyclones over here); someimtes it is viewed as a punishment and so they retaliate. And answering back will usually give them what they want: your attention, your acknowedgement that they can push your buttons, a scapegoat for thier pain.

What is happening to you is not fair. You have a right to get angry, but not to take it out on her as she does you. You have a right to let your anger go.

 

[Deb7777]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

Hi Sister, alot of time people don't see themselves as others see them. It would be good if you could be as positive as possible with your Mother so she can see another way of communicating. People get into these communication ruts and need examples which would benefit you if you can over the negativity with a positive attitude as best you can. It will be a challenge to say the least but then you are determined not to fall into the same patterns of those who are close to you. I would also say a prayer for your Mother everyday because that is a positive action on your behalf for her and pleasing to God. God bless. You can give it to Jesus and probably be a Saint in no time because not to argue back with those in our householf is very tempting when pushed. God bless. We do have our moments of communicating , one thing for sure you don't want to have a constant arguement, sometimes they do happen but try very hard to make them as scarce as possible.

 

[heron]

For kicks, make note of some of the changes this situation makes inside you. Temporarily separate your need for change from this analysis. For example...

• muscle tension or total body tension
• shallower breathing
• increasing your level of negative talk in other situations
• heart rate increase
• clenching jaw, grinding teeth at night
• fear of entering the same room
• anxiety about needing personal space
• doubting your competence while knowing you're competent
• allowing yourself to take in intimidation that isn't true
• rationalizing accusations that are true, to balance the score
• resisting advice that you know is helpful, because of the source
• insomnia
• nausea, heartburn, or acid reflux
• headaches, back aches, or similar physical manifestations
• avoiding conversations or being home
• less confidence in public
• less respect for adults or coordinators, bosses
• too much respect/fear of adults or coordinators, bosses

With each reaction that you come up with, ask yourself whether it will continue if the situation doesn't change. Are there steps you can take to keep the reactions from harming you and hindering your future... are there health issues that could get worse over time...

 

[matthewgoh]

I am not sure if I can help, without knowing the actual situation you are in.

Love is very important. Both of you must continue to develop on your love for each other. Then, communication plays very important part too. You must understand why she is who you said she is. Do not let conversation ends into argument, it just makes things worst. Be frank, communicate, be loving and forgiving, that's how family works.

Just my 2 cents. Take care and God bless.

 

[Fares]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

See why she is doing it ?
Maybe she is just trying to protect you .
Maybe you are acting like a child and she feels she can not trust you enought to let you do what you wish .

Again like my brother matthewgoh said we dont know the situation so its hard to say .

 

[Monica02]

Your mother sounds like my mother. I am in my forties and she still is never pleased with anything I do.

I have learned to simply pay no heed to anything she says. Unfortunately I cannot share anything but the basics of my life with her or she will go off with a string of insults. I believe she is more miserable with herself than with anything I may or may not do.

 

[Chris Norwood]

my mother always sabotages me, by not letting me be the best i can and achieving things. she always tries to hold be down. how should i deal with her critercising words?? should i ignore her or answer back?? it been going on far too long, what should i do//?? it's really affecting me. i hate it

The way I see it, you have two options. In either case, you need to take this to God in prayer, both that your mother will change the way she relates to you and that you will have the patience and restraint to show your mother respect and not make the situation worse by retaliating in kind.

Anyway, number one involves first inspecting what your mother is saying to decide if there is any truth to it. If there really are things you need to work on, then don't let the fact that your mom is telling you to do them hold you back from making them right. On the other hand, you will just have to learn to let go of comments and criticisms she makes that have no merit or are purely negative. You are an adult now and ultimately are responsible for your own life. I wouldn't exactly "answer back" in the heat of an argument, but I would instead try to talk to her some time when neither of you are angry/emotional and let her know how her criticism makes you feel. If she doesn't listen to you, at least you got your feeling out in the open. And just maybe she will actually hear and understand that her child is not a child anymore.

The other thing you can do is to get her to go with you to be on the Dr. Phil show, he'll straighten your mom out!