I am starting to think I have serious issues with jealousy and holding lifelong grudges. I still remember little things that I've been wronged against since grade school and sometimes I get angry. But the most prominent dilemma that I've recently been facing is when I encountered someone who used to be a bully at a hospital.
This guy used to hang around with "thugs" and was a wannabe "gangsta" for most of his teen years. I was almost sure he'd end up in jail during his adult years or something, after all his beatings, mugging, and threatening with knives and other weapons.
It turns out in the hospital he had just recently completed medical school and had begun residency to become some sort of surgeon. I thought by confronting him that it would help me feel better as I've seen that suggested a lot, but after a brief few-lines conversation, he plainly asked me what I wanted. In his defense, he didn't quite have an attitude in asking this, but rather a duller, monotonous tone. I responded with just a "nothing" as I wasn't sure how to reply and it caught me off guard, and that was that. We walked off to our own ways and maybe it was because he was busy, I don't know. I hear physicians spend an awful lot of time working, something like 100+ hours a week.
I came home and I hated myself for being angry. I was the kid who worked part-time to help with the bills and studied in my free time. I never got to play any video games or make any friends because I was so preoccupied with supporting myself, yet I apparently made the bigger mistake.
When I was 16 I ran away from home (abusive environment; I lived with friends of my mom whom I barely saw) and never finished school. I've been working ever since and I never quite got my life back on track, and the next thing you know, 10 years have passed. Honest to G*d, I didn't even know those many years had gone by until I had actually thought about it. It really does feel like it was all yesterday.
So I've been trying to find out why I am so angry all the time. I think it's because I feel like I didn't make as many mistakes as other people, yet others in my subjective perspective have become more "successful" than me, a guy working the counter at fast food joints and folding t-shirts at a retail clothing store for minimum wage.
I dwell on the past a lot, thinking about how I never got a chance to have fun, and wasted all these years doing absolutely nothing. I never got to live in a suburban house with nice parents, I never made any friends, I didn't get to do anything that everyone else did. Heck, even picking on folk weaker than myself probably would've made me feel better about myself, but now all I can think about is how I never got to have any fun. Probably a third of my life is already gone, and I feel that everyone else got to have more years to enjoy their life more than I do, unless they die at a much earlier age than I do (G*d forbid; I wish death on nobody).
I've tried thinking about those less fortunate than me, kids in war-torn Third World countries who don't even see to live past their teenage years, but it's just not helping me sympathize with myself or make me feel better or make me feel less angry.
I keep telling myself that the world isn't fair and some are just born with being dealt a crappy hand and some will always have to work more than others to get the same thing, but that just angers me even more.
So I'm not sure what to do to make this all go away.
I have considered converting to Christianity if it would assist me in making my anger go away, but I don't know if that's too selfish for G*d to accept me in doing something like that.
This guy used to hang around with "thugs" and was a wannabe "gangsta" for most of his teen years. I was almost sure he'd end up in jail during his adult years or something, after all his beatings, mugging, and threatening with knives and other weapons.
It turns out in the hospital he had just recently completed medical school and had begun residency to become some sort of surgeon. I thought by confronting him that it would help me feel better as I've seen that suggested a lot, but after a brief few-lines conversation, he plainly asked me what I wanted. In his defense, he didn't quite have an attitude in asking this, but rather a duller, monotonous tone. I responded with just a "nothing" as I wasn't sure how to reply and it caught me off guard, and that was that. We walked off to our own ways and maybe it was because he was busy, I don't know. I hear physicians spend an awful lot of time working, something like 100+ hours a week.
I came home and I hated myself for being angry. I was the kid who worked part-time to help with the bills and studied in my free time. I never got to play any video games or make any friends because I was so preoccupied with supporting myself, yet I apparently made the bigger mistake.
When I was 16 I ran away from home (abusive environment; I lived with friends of my mom whom I barely saw) and never finished school. I've been working ever since and I never quite got my life back on track, and the next thing you know, 10 years have passed. Honest to G*d, I didn't even know those many years had gone by until I had actually thought about it. It really does feel like it was all yesterday.
So I've been trying to find out why I am so angry all the time. I think it's because I feel like I didn't make as many mistakes as other people, yet others in my subjective perspective have become more "successful" than me, a guy working the counter at fast food joints and folding t-shirts at a retail clothing store for minimum wage.
I dwell on the past a lot, thinking about how I never got a chance to have fun, and wasted all these years doing absolutely nothing. I never got to live in a suburban house with nice parents, I never made any friends, I didn't get to do anything that everyone else did. Heck, even picking on folk weaker than myself probably would've made me feel better about myself, but now all I can think about is how I never got to have any fun. Probably a third of my life is already gone, and I feel that everyone else got to have more years to enjoy their life more than I do, unless they die at a much earlier age than I do (G*d forbid; I wish death on nobody).
I've tried thinking about those less fortunate than me, kids in war-torn Third World countries who don't even see to live past their teenage years, but it's just not helping me sympathize with myself or make me feel better or make me feel less angry.
I keep telling myself that the world isn't fair and some are just born with being dealt a crappy hand and some will always have to work more than others to get the same thing, but that just angers me even more.
So I'm not sure what to do to make this all go away.
I have considered converting to Christianity if it would assist me in making my anger go away, but I don't know if that's too selfish for G*d to accept me in doing something like that.
