How soon is now?

[Tumburu]

I’ve been reading this forum for about a month now, but this is my first post. Most of the feedback and discussions I’ve read have been very honest and compassionate. Even when people offer critical advice, I think it is generally expressed in a loving manner.

So here’s my thing: First off it’s actually a happy issue, not a negative one. That will probably turn off half the readers straight off . I’m wondering from the married couples out there about their courtship. Now, I’ve seen at least one thread asking you married folk about how long you dated before one of you popped the question. Of course the responses ran the gambit from about 3 months to several years.

I know that a lot of us posting stuff here already have the answer in our head and we’re just looking for some reinforcement from others. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to only listen to people who have the same view as me.

Ok, I’m babbling. Let me try again: I and my chica have been dating for 5 months. This is THE girl. I love her with all my heart. She is a very strong Christian woman who has an amazing relationship with the Lord. I am a relatively new Christian of about 10 or 11 months. Just like everyone else out there I have a life story marred with trying to fill that hole in me with inappropriate and down right dangerous things. It was quite a journey for me to finally come to Christ, but now that I have, my life and my outlook are so much more positive. It has been a completely life altering event. Anyway, this is definitely the girl I want to marry. However, I don’t want to jump into marriage too soon because the last thing I ever want to do is jeopardize this relationship just because I was impatient. But, I also don’t want to wait merely for the reason of waiting. If things feel “right”, how long are you supposed to wait? I have read over and over again on these forums that love is more then a feeling, it’s a decision. I totally agree and while I will admit my feelings are probably still in the “honeymoon” phase, I know in my heart that this is the woman I want to marry. I have had quite a hedonist life, filled with broken relationships, and I know that I have never cared for as deeply for someone as I do this woman. I know that it is all due to Christ and for that I am yet again amazed by His Grace. I have even gone so far as to do some online browsing of rings. Anyone ever gotten titanium bands? She likes silver on her, not gold, and they’re hypo-allergenic, very strong, and very light weight. Did I have a question somewhere in here? Oh yes…so what is your opinion on this issue? Is it time to run off to Vegas and get married by Elvis, or should I continue to wait until…well, I’m not really sure for what. I have prayed about this a great deal, and sometimes I feel like I can’t wait any more and need to pop the question, and other times I feel like if I had a friend in the same situation I would tell them to wait…but not for any reason other then 5 months doesn’t “sound” long enough. I’m confused, but I’m very happy. I figure sooner or later this woman will be my wife and we will have a very happy and fulfilling union. So there you go. Thanks for you input, I truly appreciate it.

Sasha

 

[HeatherJay]

Do you felt led by God to marry her? I think if you truly feel it's right NOW then there's no real advantage to waiting to pop the question. But do be sure that you two know each other on a much more than superficial level, and it would probably be helpful to be fairly certain that she feels the same?
I knew I would marry my husbnad the first time I met him, knew I loved him after a week, was engaged to him in 3 months and married to him in 6 months, and we've been married 7 years...so, is it any shock that I would tell you that the length of time doesn't matter?? It's the love between you that matters.

Love, Heather

 

[karla]

I agree with Heather. Time really doesn't matter. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we were married, but that was because we were both in college and wanted to graduate first (we got married a month after I graduate ) We both new fairly early on in the relationship that we would be together and would get married. We have been married for almost 6 years. If you have prayed about and feel led by God to propose, then go for it. There is no time frame on how things should be done. Waiting for years won't necessarily make for a better relationship. It's all about the people involved. And always remember that in any relatiohsip there are three people: you, the other person, and God. Too many times people try to leave God out of it and fail miserably. I would also suggest going to christian premarital counseling.

God Bless and best wishes

 

[charligirl]

If you are ready for marriage and have found the right person then I don't see any reason to wait.

Deciding whether you are ready for marriage or not is another thing entirely to knowing you have met the right one.... there is a great book that I often recommend called 'Should I get Married' by M Blaine Smith which covers this in detail, it gives pointers and asks questions of your relationship in all areas, age, finance, spiritual, interests, family, job, future etc etc.

Pre -marriage counselling is great as well, it helps you thrash out issues before you make the committment, like children, money, church, conflict resolution, expectations of marriage and each other, dreams for the future, sex etc etc.

I came to my decision by reading the above book, having counselling, talking to pastor and parents about where they thought I was... but we were 32 and 44 so it's not like we needed permission!!!

I met and married my husband within 7 months! like your relationship he had only been saved months, whilst I had been saved years. This is something that works for us, but does bring it's own challenges as he feels like he is playing 'catch-up' but God covers that!

 

[Tumburu]

Thanks for the responses. I think your comment on premarital counseling is dead on. I definitely want to attend that with her. I would assume that’s something you do after you are engaged?

I should probably start a whole new thread on the ring thing. Due to research I’ve done on DeBeers and diamonds coming out of Africa, there’s no way I’m buying a diamond from that continent. There are some diamond mines in Canada I have looked at as an alternative.

In my mind I cannot justify a $2000 ring. I want something beautiful and unique for her, but I want to spend 5 or 6 hundred dollars. Marketing from jewelry companies would have you think you should spend lots to show your love (if you REALLY loved her, price would not be an issue, so go ahead and spend thousands so you start your marriage off in even more debt), but we all know that’s a load of horse manure.

Anyone have an opinion on styles or price? I’m wondering if women really feel that bigger is better when it comes to an engagement ring.

 

[charligirl]

I love big rings...but that's because I wear chunky jewellery, not because I want to be ostentatious and show off wealth! !

I always knew exactly which ring I wanted, it would be a square sapphire (about 6mm square) with little diamonds all around the 4 sides making about an 8mm square ring. When I actually came to choose my ring I tried on one like that and it felt all wrong.. like I was playing dressing up with granny's jewellery lol! So I am glad that my fiance didn't suprise me with my original idea!!

I ended up with a modest (£500/$750) 3 diamonds in a row on a platinum band, which I love... because the band is quite slim, and so is my wedding ring, I have room for an eternity ring on the same finger later on when we have more cash!!

All our money was going towards our house we were buying so every penny spent on a ring meant less on the home.

 

[Flipper]

Thanks for the responses. I think your comment on premarital counseling is dead on. I definitely want to attend that with her. I would assume that’s something you do after you are engaged?

I should probably start a whole new thread on the ring thing. Due to research I’ve done on DeBeers and diamonds coming out of Africa, there’s no way I’m buying a diamond from that continent. There are some diamond mines in Canada I have looked at as an alternative.

In my mind I cannot justify a $2000 ring. I want something beautiful and unique for her, but I want to spend 5 or 6 hundred dollars. Marketing from jewelry companies would have you think you should spend lots to show your love (if you REALLY loved her, price would not be an issue, so go ahead and spend thousands so you start your marriage off in even more debt), but we all know that’s a load of horse manure.

Anyone have an opinion on styles or price? I’m wondering if women really feel that bigger is better when it comes to an engagement ring.

I have friends who are jewelers. The two big things they give as advice in getting what you pay for are

(1) go to a private jeweler, not the fancy looking chain stores. The chain stores in the mall are usually way overpriced. It's the mom and pop shops that you will get a better stone and setting for less money.

(2) buy a solitare for the engagement ring - invest the most there. Then she can go back and pick out a wrap that might not be quite as expensive, and will be something she wants.

As far as when the pop the question - go with what your heart says, not what anyone tells you is proper.

 

[Kendrir]

Head over to www pricescope com if you're looking for more info on good deals for diamonds, setting, etc. Has a good diamond-search (with some amazing prices), tutorials for shopping around, and forums.

I'm in almost the same boat as you, Tumburu.. my s/o and I are going to talk with her pastor in a week or so to get some pre-engagement advice, just to make sure that we're asking the right questions and whatnot, and to get his input (he's basically a father to her). Until then we're just enjoying our time together, and keeping our eyes and ears turned to God in case of any confirmation

 

[momof3blessings]

Thanks for the responses. I think your comment on premarital counseling is dead on. I definitely want to attend that with her. I would assume that’s something you do after you are engaged?

I should probably start a whole new thread on the ring thing. Due to research I’ve done on DeBeers and diamonds coming out of Africa, there’s no way I’m buying a diamond from that continent. There are some diamond mines in Canada I have looked at as an alternative.

In my mind I cannot justify a $2000 ring. I want something beautiful and unique for her, but I want to spend 5 or 6 hundred dollars. Marketing from jewelry companies would have you think you should spend lots to show your love (if you REALLY loved her, price would not be an issue, so go ahead and spend thousands so you start your marriage off in even more debt), but we all know that’s a load of horse manure.

Anyone have an opinion on styles or price? I’m wondering if women really feel that bigger is better when it comes to an engagement ring.

First like the others. Time is not important. I knew my husband 6 months 15 days when we married. We've been married 17 years.

As far as the ring goes. Find out her favorite stone. You might be suprised it might not be a diamond. If you plan on suprising her with a ring maybe ask one of her friends to help you find out what she likes. Or just walk by a jewerly counter one day and see if she points anything out. You never know
If I had that part to do over again I would pick a sapphire or garnet or amathyst(sp). Yes diamonds are tradition but aren't required. In fact I see more and more people opting for other stones....You already know she doesn't care for gold so that's start. Platnium is great. I personally like silver too. I like the way it looks.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

(AWWWWWWWWWW, running away quickly, it's something positive)LOL.
Well, I can tell you this. You can't forsee the problems that marriage will inevitably bring. No matter how long you wait- though I'm sure that those who have dated for years no eachother a lot more intimately, I think that may be the biggest downfall of a short engagement/or courtship is how well you know eachother. On the other hand, if you both are ready and feel it's right, I personally don't see the problem with it. I'm not one that believes you should date someone for so many months/years. But I will encourage you this way though. Take some time to take the love blinders off- it's ok to have love blinders, but really take in consideration this girl you want to marrry as a whole- because marriage is not something to lightly jump into- because when you say I Do, like you may already have seen, you are saying i'm going to commit the rest of my life to being with you. And look at it this way, it won't hurt to wait longer if you aren't sure, because a few more months- or even years for that matter if it were the case, is nothing compared to committing to this person for the rest of your life.

I also think (just a recommendation here) that you two ought to seek pre-marital counseling- a buy a book to go through together and ask those tough questions that you may be too shy to ask so that you two can really see what the other expects and thinks about certain things- I think in that case it would be important for the two of you to be open and honest- because after marriage the pretending goes away. Just a recommendation- you two may already be open. And of course, truly pray and seek God about it. Ask him that if it's not his will for some unknown reason (and yes, there are times God leads people out of the engangement because there are times he does have someone better for you in mind). Whatever you do, listen to your conscience and to God.

God Bless

 

[HeatherJay]

A big ring didn't matter at all to me. I was so in love with my husband and so ready to get married, that he could have probably given me a plastic ring and I'd have still said yes. My ring is beautiful and was around $500, I think (hubby never told me for sure), so you can surely find something she'll like for around that price.

Also, there are LOTS of options for wedding'engagement rings these days. The stone doesn't necessarily have to be a diamond. There are beautiful sapphire rings (and other less expensive stones) that are GORGEOUS. What's her birthstone? Maybe you could get her something like that?

Also, there's a couple here (Is it Picklereed??? I can't remember) who has a tattoo around her ring finger as sort of a permanant reminder of the commitment she made.

So explore all the options, there's all kinds of things out there.

Love, Heather

 

[hisbloodformysins]

What is an eternity ring??

Plus, as far as rings go- I think that the ring itself is not so much what is important (as long as it's not so obvious that you were far more concerned about being cheap than getting a nice ring- thought is important I think) but it's the fact that the special someone who wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. If you want to know the truth, my ring is beautiful, I picked it out myself- but I was told by a friend who actually worked at that store how much the ring was really worth- less than what we paid. There are attractive rings at Walmart for 400-800 dollars, something like that. I agree that spending 2,000 dollars, or even 1200 like we did, isn't necessary- we got a high quality diamond, that's why it costed so much. But truth be told, I think I would've been happy with a pretty one from Walmart just as well. Hey, you could also shop at pawn shops. I don't see anything wrong with that. P.S. I also recommend that if you are going to take her just to see the kind she likes, that is ok, but don't let her just pick it out- that's my opinion- suprise her with it.

 

[Tumburu]

I certainly don't want to come across as searching for a "cheap" alternative. I just want the ring to be more about my expression of love to her then about how much it costs.

Getting a different stone, like a sapphire or her birthstone, is an intriguing thought. I’ll have to check that out. As a quick aside, her birthstone is the same as mine since we were both born on the same day (makes remembering her birthday easy). Well, not the exact same day…I’m 6 years older then her, but we were both born on the same date and on the same day of the week. Does this have some huge, deep cosmic meaning? I doubt it, but it is a funny coincidence.

I definitely want her to be completely surprised when I give it to her. While I would like the security of her picking it out, so I know it’s something she’ll be pleased with, I rather risk it and make the choice solo. Now I just need to get up the courage to ask her Dad for his blessing…

 

[mistygail]

My ring was made especially for me it is diamonds and rubies and white gold. The rubies are a reminder to myself and Andy (my husband) of what a good wife is supposed to be. (Proverbs 31:10-31)

Andy's ring is titanium. It is nice looking, and very strong!

 

[Jengi]

No lie, Walmart! My husband got my engagement ring at walmart. It is a certified diamond (just like from a jewlery store) and he paid way less than the apraisal price. He asked them to order the best qualilty diamond they could get because they did not have what he wanted in stock.

BTW, if you are truely sure that this is the person God had led you to, time is not an issue!

 

[charligirl]

What is an eternity ring??

They are usually like wedding rings but have diamonds all the way around the band or half way round. They are apparantly traditionally given after 7 years or at birth of the first child


http://www.sndgems.com/eternityrings.htm

 

[Crofter]

I believed my boyfriend was they guy I would spend the rest of my life with on the day I first heard him speak... all he said was he was 19! lol! But that was it! love!

We were going out for 4 months before he aked me to marry him.. but I said 'no'

He didn't ask me again.. So.. I had to ask him a couple of months later.. and he said 'yes' .

19 years since we met. Been soooo great. Love him to bits. Hope you will be just as happy.

....shuuush! Don't mention rings! lol..I lost mine several years ago! lol...I say 'no' when should say 'yes' then I loose my ring! lol! lol.... guess that makes me major qualified to offer relationship advice to folk!

 

[Mistyfogg]

There is no time limit for engagement. My husband and I were dating for only two months when he asked me to marry him. We got married after a year of dating and have been married for over a year and a half. I am glad that you have found Christ and that you have a wonderful person in your life that you plan on sharing the rest of your life with.
(By the way....there is nothing wrong with going to Las Vegas and getting married by Elvis...Graceland Wedding Chapel....lol...I had to talk my husband into that one, but I tell you, it was awesome!!!!)
Back to the subject, rings are just a symbol of love and you do not have to break the bank for a ring. Titanium rings do last a long time, but they happen to be very expensive. Personally, I have white gold. Once, my husband and I went to a ring store (before getting married) and my honey said the sales guy made him feel like a jerk because he couldn't afford that stuff, saying things like "Doesn't she deserve this beautiful 3000 dollar necklace? Give her something beautiful to compliment her beauty....". Honestly, my engagement ring was 795 dollars. It is a 3 stone diamond ring (that represents the past present and future). It is not small, but it is not big. You should ask your girlfriends mother or sister or friend for any ideas of what she might like. A real girl cares about the meaning of the ring, not the size! Good luck with everything....