How Many Times?

[Ruthie]

I wrote a whole long post, but being my first time here I must have muffed it up, so I'll try again.

During our marriage, my husband has been unfaithful numerous times. I'll try and do a timeline because I think that might be the easiest way to see the progression - pregnant with first child after being married one year, one night stand, first child born, several cyber affairs (possible affair with girl at university, although never been sure), second child born, cyber affairs continued, I found out for the first time, I confronted him, thought things were being worked through, found letters to online girlfriends which indicated a continuing relationship, separated for a short time, came home when I felt the Lord told me to and my husband had sought counselling with our pastor, things weren't great but we started to put things back together, for a time he started coming back to church (which he'd stopped doing), church attendance dropped off again, he began working very late hours and out of town, found out mid last year through him confessing to me that adultery had continued including meeting women from online in motel rooms and visits to massage parlours until October 2002.

Basically, although I have no proof, my husband's current behaviour and lack of any real change leads me to believe he has probably continued to be unfaithful despite his confession.

I am at a loss what to do. I have no proof that he is currently being unfaithful, except nebulous feelings of ill-ease. I feel very insecure in our relationship.

Ruthie

 

[Micaiah]

From what you have said, you are facing a very difficult relationship. Are you considering divorce? What are your options?

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Me? I would divorce, no question.

 

[Flipper]

What Spoc says. Also, and I don't mean to be harsh, but you may want to go see your OB to get checked for STDs.

If you have to have proof, you might want to consider hiring a PI to follow him around for a while. You also can have a computer expert look at your CPU to see if he has been contacting any of these women.

 

[SirKenin]

I'd be walking too. That's the problem with unfaithfulness. It erodes your trust.

 

[PrNcSsChRmNg91]

You should consider divorce. If I found out that my husband was being unfaithful to me over and over, his clothes and his behind will be out of the door in no time. But alas, that's me.

 

[Mrs K 2004]

While divorce is a scary thing to consider; it sounds like the best option! It seems as though your husband has no intentions of honoring his marriage vows to you; let alone caring about your feelings and well being!!

I will keep you in my prayers

 

[dd24ck]

I totally agree with what everyone has said. Divorce seems to be an option for you. Just remember that the Bible tells you that adultry is a reason for divorce and that a man who "looks" at a woman lustfully has already committed already in his heart. GOD BLESS YOU!
Does your children know about this or seen any difference around the house? PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY AGAIN!!!

 

[Ruthie]

Well, our children are hardly likely to notice a difference when this has been happening since before the first was born. Our first child has just turned nine.

I am seriously considering walking out. At the moment I do not have a car. My car is unregistered because of finances being really out of order. I haven't been to church myself in over a month because of this situation, and I'm doubtful of getting help from that corner. My parents who would probably help me are out of state at the moment.

My biggest problem is not knowing what God would have me do. I don't want to walk out if God would have me stay, no matter how hard staying might be.

I have been told by other Christians that the only reason for divorce is hardness of heart, and that if I walk out it is saying that I'm unwilling to forgive my husband and am living in bitterness.

I don't think that's the case, but after so many years of living with this, maybe I'm just deceiving myself.

Ruthie

 

[Micaiah]

Many Christians would agree that adultery is a grounds for divorce. From a human point of view I agree. Consider the advice you are given prayerfully.

Have you considered a period of separation, with the possibility of being reunited if he changes. It may be an option if you want to help him and preserve your marriage. I can understand that it would be difficult to ever trust such a person again, and you have every reason to turn your back on him, but then again love is a not always a rational.

 

[E-beth]

Welcome to the forum and God bless you Sister!

Sending you some blessings, cause I have been there.

I sent you a PM.

 

[ceres]

If your husband is going to change then stay, if not, then I think you can leave with a clear conscience. He is not honoring his marriage and has no intentions of doing so. He is putting you at risk for STDs and will affect the children when they get older even if not now.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

I will pray for you. This is a tough decision and please consider your finances or at least make some plans (keep them to yourself) with some relatives on housing and such to get back on your feet. God Bless you and of course the folks here will support you either way.

Secondly, go to the top of your internet explorer bar and you should have a button thatlooks like a clock with an arrow or ancient sundial or something. Click on that and it should take you through your husband's visited sites at least. Unless of course he has erased them. Praying for you. Hang in there!!

 

[Flipper]

I have been told by other Christians that the only reason for divorce is hardness of heart, and that if I walk out it

I'm sorry, I've never heard of that.

 

[Mrs K 2004]

Most Christians that I know would agree that adultry (especially as you have been put through) would be grounds for divorce! You are putting yourself through a lot as well as your children! I don't think there would be anything wrong with you taking them and leaving!

 

[suecnm2b]

This is my first post here, so I hope I get this right. I am kind of in the same boat as you are. I have 4 children and am in the process of separating and most likely divorcing my husband of 10 years. He is an alcoholic and spends most, if not all, of his free time in a bar. He treats me and the kids like we are annoyances to him.

A couple of years ago I found pictures of him and another girl in an ummmmm...compromising position. When I confronted him with it, he said he was really drunk and backed out of the situation seconds after the picture was taken. That he felt bad about it (because of me) and that nothing happened. For whatever reason, not because I believed him, I stayed with him.

Anyway, I had had it with his drinking, staying out late, not doing anything around the house (at the time he didn't have a job) and decided to leave him. I got biblical counseling and was told that a separation was definately needed and then I should put him on every prayer list and have every person I knew praying for him and our marriage. I have been praying for God to take away my anger and bitterness and soften my heart to even want to put our marriage back together. This week, I found out that my husband has a message on a telephone dating service and listened to a message from a woman who "wanted to get together with him AGAIN".

That's the final straw for me. I am done. I will continue to pray for him, but I don't want to be married to him any longer. I also don't have a car and money to move, but my family and friends are being super supportive and I know my church will help out as well. I KNOW that God will see me through this and carry me on His shoulders as I walk this path. If God sees fit to restore our marriage, then I will continue to pray for a softening of my heart. I know God can do all things so I will keep the possibility open, but as of now, I am done.

I will pray for you. You need to separate for now and continue to pray

Sue U.

 

[Ruhama]

In your situation Ruthie I would separate definitely for starters.

The fact is he is putting you in physical harm, and has already put you in emotional harm and seems to intend to continue, and that affects the kids too. You are not thinking solely of yourself when you are thinking about leaving.

Sue, you have my prayers.
I had a thought about yours as well; the Bible does permit coming back together after a divorce has been carried out. Seems to me that you're free in conscience to get out now. If God does decide to repair what's been destroyed he could still do it. I don't know if that's good advice or not but it's something that I thought.