How many children do you have?

[c1ners]

When asked this question I always answer with "2". When my husband is asked this quesiton he answers with "4".
Sometimes I feel really bad for not counting his two in with my two, but I just can't.

You see, when he's two daughters were growing up I was never allowed to be a part of their life. I couldn't love them, I couldn't disipline them. If I bought them something I was trying to buy their love, but if I didn't buy them something I was selfish and rude. If I called them my daughters or step daughters I was quickly reminded of how they already had a mom and didn't need nor want another. And the biggest culprit was my husband. He never allowed me in and made it so that those girls grew up hating me.

So, is it wrong of me now to say I only have two children? Should he really expect me to start being their step mom now after 18 years? Because I really don't think I can. Sorry.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I took a compromise position on this question I suppose. I say that I have a daughter, a son and a step-daughter.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

All I say is that I have three stepchildren and none of my own. Fortunately, I am not their mother and they would be very quick to remind me of that.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

You could just say that you have 4 children between you - his 2 from a prior marriage and your 2.

 

[klynnmiller]

I always say I have 4. In reality, he has 2 from his prior marriage, and I have my 2. I am reminded once in a while that I am their step-mom, but I let in bounce off me like I didn't notice I was corrected. Yes, they have their mother, but they know that I love them too. I'm just their added bonus and they are mine. I have learned to have thick skin at times, but I made the decision before we got married to love them, no matter what.

 

[PlanN2WalkONwata]

I say I have two. I have one with my husband and one from a previous girlfriend of his. He's 6, knows who is who, and still calls me Mommy. There are still those times when I'm reminded I'm not his real mom, but he doesn't do it on purpose. It usually happens when he's missing her.

 

[Alysonsdad]

To the original poster...I am praying for you. I understand what you are saying, but I cannot help but feel a little resentment and anger in you over this issue. Step parenting is an extremely tough role, and even more burdensome on the step mom I think, so I have empathy.

But I disagree with you that you "are not allowed to love" your husbands kids. The one true beauty of step-parenting (and foster care) is that the children get additional love. I think what is really at play here is, you are not getting loved back, or are not getting loved back as you wish.

I have dealt with this a lot, in the past as a foster parent. Because it is not my role to be their bio-parents, I must simply accept that my role is to love and care for abused children while they are in my home. Despite lots of tears, prayers and struggles with these children, many never return the love you give to them. But to stop loving them would not be what Jesus would do.

To love children without getting any outward signs in return is an extremely tough task to do, but is too critical to give up on. So I will pray that the Lord will soften your heart in this regard, and help you love, and if nothing else, obtain a bit of love from the Lord so that you are encouraged to continue this lofty work. I will pray for peace within your home.

 

[Alysonsdad]

To answer the question though, I have 2-1/2.

Two about to be step-daughters, and a bio-daughter with shared residency!

 

[bananaboat64]

sometimes i say 4, sometimes i say 3, but i always say 6 grandkids-- my stepson is only 10 years younger than i am, and i don't always feel like explaining.

 

[wholehalfmom]

I say I have two step-sons. I will never be their mother, but I love them anyway. I am very sorry to hear you did not get that chance, OP. My prayers are with you on this.

 

[c1ners]

To the original poster...I am praying for you. I understand what you are saying, but I cannot help but feel a little resentment and anger in you over this issue. Step parenting is an extremely tough role, and even more burdensome on the step mom I think, so I have empathy.

But I disagree with you that you "are not allowed to love" your husbands kids. The one true beauty of step-parenting (and foster care) is that the children get additional love. I think what is really at play here is, you are not getting loved back, or are not getting loved back as you wish.

I have dealt with this a lot, in the past as a foster parent. Because it is not my role to be their bio-parents, I must simply accept that my role is to love and care for abused children while they are in my home. Despite lots of tears, prayers and struggles with these children, many never return the love you give to them. But to stop loving them would not be what Jesus would do.

To love children without getting any outward signs in return is an extremely tough task to do, but is too critical to give up on. So I will pray that the Lord will soften your heart in this regard, and help you love, and if nothing else, obtain a bit of love from the Lord so that you are encouraged to continue this lofty work. I will pray for peace within your home.

Them not loving me back would have been understandable. Acceptable even. They already have a mom and they didn't need me as a friend. And they were children. Disrespecting me was one thing, but not loving (or even liking me for that matter) out of respect for them mom was understandable.

When I say that I wasn't allowed to love them, I meant just that. Their father (my husband) never allowed me to love them. They were "his" and they were his "ex-wifes", but they were not mine.

When they would come for the summer I was allowed to cook for them, to care their personal needs, to buy them stuff (when husband allowed it) and to be their chauffer, but I was never allowed to love them.

It doesn't anymore. They are adults now with children of their own. Children who call my husband papa and sometimes call me granny. Sometimes. However, I will stand my ground with the grand children. I don't care how many times their moms and papa tell them that I don't love them I will always come back with "yes, I do".

 

[Finn88]

Hey c1ners!

It sounds like you had a really tough time of it! I'm totally baffled by your husbands attitude! I would have thought that he would have been happy that you tried to love his kids as well as your own...it just seems really weird to me that he married you, said he would share his life his love his all with you...except the children!

Jesus called us to love everyone, even our enemies so as Christians, love comes naturally. Being told you were not allowed to express it must have been really hard!

Be strong, and draw close to God an show those grandkids what Jesus would do, regardless of what they call you Keep praying too...God may still soften your husbands heart!

Finn xx

 

[Max Shade]

I pay attention to context.

I have three stepsons, they live with my wife/their mother and I and occasionally spend time with their father. We are very clear that I am not trying to replace their father but am an additional adult who loves them.

I have a son and a daughter, but I haven't seen them since their mother kidnapped them and moved them across the country to an undisclosed location.

There are so many ways to answer that question for me. . .

 

[Believer1972]

I have one grown son and my husband has 3 daughters, of which two are grown. So I only have 1 teenage step daughter to deal with. We were both widowed so there are no biological parents in the picture.

 

[GrapeGirl]

I say I have 4. I'm pregnant with the 4th. But my hubby's two kids are older and grown up now, but they still acknowledge me as their step mom. It helps that his ex tells them that I am their mom too. Hubby got me a mothers ring for my birthday with all 4 kids' stones in it. The older two know I claim them as mine and that I love them just the same, and that if anyone hurts them, they can come to me and I'll beat whoever is giving them a hard time off with a baseball bat. Nobody hurts my babies! I'm blessed for sure.