How long to wait after divorce

A question for you all. If someone gets divorced how long should they wait to start dating again? Keep in mind sometimes the divorce process can take anywhere from 6 months to 5 years.

The question was a general question. I know a lot of people who are going through a divorce and I also have just gone through a divorce. I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship and have met with a Christian therapist for over 20 sessions over the last 9 months and am about to complete a divorce care class at church. I have done a lot of introspection, healing, processing and learning.

I have many things I would do different this time around but still am going to wait a bit longer. I am going to see where I am at in 60-90 days and see if I have a peace about moving on and entering into friendships with the opposite sex that are not romantic. Once I enter into one of those friendships (whenever that is) I will see what happens and keep it in prayer. I believe a relationship is built on a strong friendship anyhow. So, by the time I am dating more time will have passed.

Thanks for your feedback and suggestions.

Blackribbon,

My children are 7 and 10. I read the book Dinosaurs Divorce which covers a lot of the topics that come up for kids after a divorce. They asked me when I thought I would start dating. I told them maybe in one or two years but that I was not sure. They are supportive about this. But I would want to make sure that it is in their best interest and that they get along with the woman. My kids have to come first and that person will need to understand this.

In some ways if I re-marry someday it may be a good thing in this regard because with the extra support that a wife brings I would be able to spend more time with them (to increase my custody time) and have more ease and support around parenting. It might also model for them what a healthy relationship looks like instead of what they saw (which I pray will not be a blueprint for their future relationships).

Kenyamom,

I empathize with your situation. That must be hard. You have had sufficient time to heal, process and move on and yet legally you are still bound. Kudos to you for allowing God to heal you and change you!

I also agree with you that it is a personal decision that one must make not contingent about what others think. I will pray for your situation. That you can be loosed from this legal binding and be free in every sense to move on.

Grafted In,

I take into account what individuals who are filled with the Spirit have to say on this topic as well as if it aligns with inner peace and scripture. Yet, I am leery of when someone speaks for God as His mouthpiece.

If only it was that easy. Each situation is different and unique and Bible does not go into every situation that we encounter. The answers to these questions come in a large part through prayer and a peace that God gives us.

Kenyanmom,

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 states the following (NAV):

"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she find no favour in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, and give [it] in her hand, and sends her out from his house.

a. A certificate of divorce: According to these laws, divorce was allowed in Israel, but carefully regulated. Under God’s law, the marriage contract cannot be simply dissolved as soon as one partner wants out; there must be cause for a certificate of divorce. The certificate of divorce also protected women from being accused of adultery.

Indecency in Moses time covered more than just sexual immorality.

Now this seems different from Matthew 19:9.

"And some Pharisees came to Him, tempting Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?"

And He answered and said , "Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, And said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

They say unto him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?"

He said to them, "Because of the hardness of your heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery."

Intention of Marriage
Jesus, in the first part of this verse, is telling us of the intention of marriage. God's plan for it is that it is forever. Whenever this does not happen we have fallen short of the goal or ideal of marriage. We are not necessarily in sin but we did not accomplish what God intended for marriage.

Hard Hearts
Jesus states that in Moses time it was allowed because the Jews could not live up to a higher standard because their hearts were hard. They did not have the living Christ within them to change their hearts and model love in the toughest of circumstances.

When a married couple is seriously considering divorce or gets a divorce usually their hearts are very hard. They have been burned, hurt, burned out and in despair. Some would say they cannot take more or they may lose their worth or personhood.

God seems to know when his children are in this place and cannot keep the covenant. He makes a way for them to move on with Moses and I believe still today. Yet, we must realize we did fall short of the ideal that God had for marriage. It is good to mourn this and to recognize this before God.

I think both partners would have to have Christ and partner with the Spirit for the relationship to work (possibly meet with a therapist, pastor, etc.) .If only one is doing the work and the other's heart is hard divorce can be inevitable. We cannot change others and make them stay married or get them to become healthy so that our marriage cannot affect our children in a negative way.

Two Schools of Thought
Going back to Jesus raising the bar on divorce. Jesus says that it is ok if there is marital unfaithfulness to divorce. When he is speaking he is speaking to two different groups of people.

He is speaking to a group that believes that you should never divorce and one that believed it was okay for smallest infraction. So, when he shares with them I believe he is saying it is not okay to divorce for smallest infraction and also saying that there are circumstances where it may be warranted (marital unfaithfulness). He was talking in this context and taking them back to God's ideal for marriage.

If one of the parties leaves for a small infraction and then remarries it is like they cheated on the marriage covenant and committed adultery.

So, in this verse Jesus is answering a specific question and speaking in a certain context. If he was asked about domestic violence, dealing with someone who has an addiction or dealing with someone who is a non-believer and wants to leave the marriage he would have answered these questions more directly. But he wasn't.

Paul did address someone who is dealing with a non-believer and wants to leave. He added to what Jesus said. He was talking about this topic. There are some topics that didn't come up back then like domestic violence, child abuse, addictions. For these topics we must ask the Spirit of God to lead us.

Note: Paul writes in Corinthians that if the non-believer leaves we are free to divorce and re-marry.

I hope this is helpful. Thanks for posting your question Kenyanmom.

Grafted In,

Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I respect your decision to stay in your marriage. I also made this decision to stay for 8 more years. My wife's anger problems continued, though, and they were starting to affect me and my kids in ways that were very unhealthy. Jesus says in the case of sexual immorality that it is okay (meaning that he understands there are circumstances where it is appropriate to leave). I believe God released me from an unhealthy and abusive marriage. Two Christian therapist also agreed with me in this regard.

If my wife had changed her behavior I would have continued to stay.

When you no longer are living out your full potential in Christ and your personhood is deteriorating you are no good to anyone.

I would add that I do think it is important that we do not just stay in a marriage because we think that is what we are supposed to do. It is important that if we decide to say in a marriage that it moves towards getting healthy and that we long and desire for that. It is key to still love this person. I hope that is the case with your situation. I wasn't sure why you wish God would've let you move on. If you are committed and love your wife, I hope God will fully restore your marriage and it may be the best for you and your wife.