I know this sounds like an easy question but I am so lost. My husband has cheated on me several times now including just recently. I did not find out about the times before we were married until after I was married (or I would not have married him). I did what was right when he begged despretly for forgiveness and kept forgiving him. We have had our good and bad moments (we have been together 9 years, married 6). We are both Christian but I feel like he is so far behind me... he is like where I was at age 5! He says he is sorry but continues to lye to me about many things! He is obsessed with toys like motercycles, new cars, guns... you name it and he has every boy toy! He gets loans behind my back and just sits there watching me struggle to come up with the money to pay bills and his loans for toys, he watches me go to work with no food while he is splurging with his new money loan. I have nothing big, nor do I want anything I truely believe God gives me what I need but I feel so let down by my husband. I pray constantly for my husband and I mean several hours a day! But he doesn't change or get he has even gotten worse. He says he believes in Christ and has good morals and messes us somtimes because he is human. This sounds good but I dont know how much more of being on the back burner I can handle, and him putting God on the back burner hurts even more. He hates when I tell him he is not being Christ like. Just 2 weeks ago he told me he met someone for a few hours and he wants a divorce because he wants someone like her that lets him do what he wants. Of course, I told him I would not give up on our marriage and after his entire family told him he was fool he asked for forgiveness. I keep promising myself this will be the last time but I feel if I leave it will not be right in God's eyes. 9 years of cheating though? How long do I let myself be tortured? I work full time and go to school full time 7 days a week usually, clean house and pay bills I feel like I am about to have a break down! He works very hard full time also and makes most of the money but he is not being a man at all in my eyes!
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How long do I forgive?
- Thread starter Moonshade
- Start date
Hey
Im sorry to hear that things are so hard for you, we are told in the Bible to forgive over and over and over... you should never stop forgiving.
BUT forgivness dosent mean that you have to accept this... no-one can tell you what to do here, it is your decission and you need to pray about it... to me it sounds like your husband has some deep problems/issues (inc. sex addiction) that need some professional counceling, i highly doubt that this will fix itself, he needs some professional help aswell as some prayer. Have you/he tried counceling by a professional that is a Christian?
I will pray for you both,
Please pray about your situation i commend you for your prayers for your husband,
God bless you and fill you with His peace and lead you
Im sorry to hear that things are so hard for you, we are told in the Bible to forgive over and over and over... you should never stop forgiving.
BUT forgivness dosent mean that you have to accept this... no-one can tell you what to do here, it is your decission and you need to pray about it... to me it sounds like your husband has some deep problems/issues (inc. sex addiction) that need some professional counceling, i highly doubt that this will fix itself, he needs some professional help aswell as some prayer. Have you/he tried counceling by a professional that is a Christian?
I will pray for you both,
Please pray about your situation i commend you for your prayers for your husband,
God bless you and fill you with His peace and lead you
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growingupinhim
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your situation is tough..please have your pastor counsel you and him on this..I am not even sure your husband is true to the faith..certainly not acting like it..but selfish
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jmcgowan2
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Wow... I will definitely be praying for you. I have to agree with Emma, you should never stop forgiving your husband, but something definitely needs to change. I've always believed that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you have to trust them again, and it sounds like that's probably where you're at right now.
Jeremiah McGowan
Jeremiah McGowan
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charligirl
Senior Veteran
Emma! said:
Absolutely! Forgiving does not mean accepting. You can forgive him and still divorce him for his adultery, or forgive him and still take time out and leave for a while , or whatever it takes.
I am not neccessarily suggesting you do either of those things, this is something you need to sort out in prayer with God. WHat is clear though is that you do not keep accepting it and you can;t continue to live in a marriage based on mistrust and lies. He needs to accept his responsibilities and understand that you forgiving him DOES NOT mean everything is now ok and he has somehow 'got away with it'.
I would say he needs to grow up and accept he has problems that need professional counselling, it won't be easy and it could take many months, but God can do it if you are both willing to work at it. The only other option is to divorce which you could do biblically speaking.
I pray that you can come to the right decision.
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Shok
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Moonshade said:
If you feel leaving won't be right in God's eyes then don't do it. Save your marriage if possible.
If money is a problem and he's the cause of it consider handing over the finances to him. Let him pay the bills. Sometimes blind faith of the wife and getting him to bear responsibility can make him a better man/husband. Give it to him and see what happens. Can it get any worse?
Shok
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Forgiveness does not mean accepting every thing he does, there comes a point when enough is enough. You keep accepting his horrible behaviour so it keeps happening, so maybe you have to stop accepting it, because like the others have said forgiveness is one thing, acceptance is quite another.
Have you tried putting your foot down? Tell him these are the changes you want and if you don't get them, that's it?
Have you tried putting your foot down? Tell him these are the changes you want and if you don't get them, that's it?
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Yitzchak
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Since this thing seems to run in cycles that repeat themselves, I suggest that you plan ahead for the next time he gets to one of his desperatelty seeking forgiveness phases. This time have some conditions that you insist upon. Things like joint counseling after an affair , things like some way to have accountability about certain basic responsibilities when it comes to the money.
Maybe go to your pastor and let them know your desire is to work these problems out and not to leave your spouse. Ask what can be done to make it more livable. Maybe some counseling for you would be a good place to start.
Maybe go to your pastor and let them know your desire is to work these problems out and not to leave your spouse. Ask what can be done to make it more livable. Maybe some counseling for you would be a good place to start.
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In the profoundly unlikely event that I ever do something so bad as cheat on my wife, I hope that she would shoot me with my own gun.
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christalee4
Senior Veteran
Mr.Cheese said:
NOT that I am sure Mr. Cheese is advocating that you DO this.
BUT, look within yourself and ask yourself, why are you accepting his bad behaviors and treatment of you over and over again? Is there something deep inside yourself that tells you that you deserve this or bring this on yourself? You must square your shoulders and put a stop to this now. Don't be a martyr and accept this garbage. Lay down the law with his behavior now and set up a session for counseling. It's time for him to stop being a little boy and be a man.
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He has tried running the finances before and almost buried himself! I am scared that he will completely ruin my credit if I let him take over the money! I do not feel like like I deserve any of this, my head says I am stupid for staying but my heart says give my self up to God and he will bless me... I have prayed this for 6 years though. I read that only God can change my husband so I need to just pray for him....
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There is this mistake some women make, they think if they pray hard enough or they try long enough they can "change" their husbands. Most of those women after years of falling short, they one day figure out he won't change, because they can't change the core of who someone is no matter how they try.
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christalee4
Senior Veteran
Moonshade said:
Since your husband has stated it before, is your main fear that he will divorce you?
I have gone through the ruined credit situation and I can tell you it's not fun. And my husband divorced me anyway, because he met someone else.
Stand your ground and protect yourself. Let him know that if he loves you, he should fight for you.
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YAWANNAKNOWJESUS?
Bond Slave of Christ
Same advice I recently gave a friend in the same situation. Open your own bank account do not put his name on it. Stop paying those foolish toys of his pay what is necessary. And seek marriage counselling. Try to save your marriage. Use divorce only as a last resort. Yes under the grounds of unfaithfulness it is biblically legal. But only as a last resort.
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Moonshade said:
You need to pray for clarity of mind, if God is prompting you to pray for him and stay to work things out then that is a different story all together... if God is telling you to stay, stay and pray... BUT pray that you have clarity to know if that is where God is leading you or not (He will show you the way that is the best)... I just pray clarity of mind for you, seek some wise councle from church (pastor or someone who does marital stuff)...
I dont think that you should have him take care of the money if he cannot be trusted with it, there is nothing wrong with you taking care of the money.
God bless you for your faithfulness, love and patients
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Keep forgiving....but don't be a doormat while you're doing it.
Instead of looking at ways to change someone else, sometimes we have to look at ways to change ourselves. Sometimes, unknowingly, we enable someone to make bad choices.
Most people get defensive and think they aren't the one that needs to change, but there's some logic in it. Everyday, our day consists of a chain of events. If you are the one that makes some changes, the chain of events that follows will be different than what they would have been if you hadn't changed something.
I know you said you don't really want for anything, but, what if you put a few "wants" on the list? Some people are really insensitive to others without meaning to be. If your hubby thinks you have everything you need...he might not see the problem with his buying things that he thinks he needs.
If you know there is good in your husband to make your marriage work, you'll never regret trying to make it better. Even if the marriage were to fail somewhere down the line (God forbid), you'll NEVER feel guilty for not trying hard enough. You see some warning signs and it's very smart that you want to make some repairs before it's too late.
Instead of looking at ways to change someone else, sometimes we have to look at ways to change ourselves. Sometimes, unknowingly, we enable someone to make bad choices.
Most people get defensive and think they aren't the one that needs to change, but there's some logic in it. Everyday, our day consists of a chain of events. If you are the one that makes some changes, the chain of events that follows will be different than what they would have been if you hadn't changed something.
I know you said you don't really want for anything, but, what if you put a few "wants" on the list? Some people are really insensitive to others without meaning to be. If your hubby thinks you have everything you need...he might not see the problem with his buying things that he thinks he needs.
If you know there is good in your husband to make your marriage work, you'll never regret trying to make it better. Even if the marriage were to fail somewhere down the line (God forbid), you'll NEVER feel guilty for not trying hard enough. You see some warning signs and it's very smart that you want to make some repairs before it's too late.
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E-beth
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Moonshade, your story reminds me alot of mine. Reading posts like yours reminds me that God gives us stressful situations and the strength to live through them so that we can possibly help others.
My first husband was also continuously unfaithful, also from before we were married. He also would tell me about minor infractions, such as going to strip clubs or picking up a prostitute "just to talk" and I, wanting to be teh best Godly wife, forgave him every single time. I say forgive, but basically I just acted like it never happened while he continued to mess up and I continued to die inside, little by little.
He also liked to spend money we didn't have. He got a second mortgage on our house without telling me the full details. He borrowed money frm credit cards to pay other credit cards, and used credit cards to get cash to take with him on his little sexcapades. All the while I did what I thought I was supposed to...keeping the house clean, working all the time, and not making waves in the marriage.
My ex husband saw my continuous forgiveness as permission to do it over and over. He figured I would be OK with it and would forgive him, so why not just do what he wanted?
One day he told me he had not only seen prostitutes but had cheated with them, and not feared he had AIDS. My forgiveness had reached the end of its tether. I shut down my heart and my body to him right there, and it was as if blinders fell off my eyes. What I had been doing is not forgiving...it was enabling. What he had been doing was not asking to be forgiven...it was asking me to relieve his guilt. God created forgiveness as a gracious and sacred thing. To ask for forgiveness means that you are truly sorry and do not intend to do it again. To grant forgiveness means you acknowledge the transgression but will not stop loving them. God can forgive us over and over when we aren't really sorry or don't intend to stop that sin. It is harder for us. And even in our spiritual lives God does hold us accountable and responsible for our sin. Look at David, a man highly favored by God. He sinned big time and even he was punished after finally taking responsibility.
I have forgiven my ex-husband. Now to me, it is water under the bridge. I still carry the scars from his big announcement and all teh ugly secrets I endured for so long. But with God's guidance and through LOTS of prayer, I came out on top. I am re-married to a wonderful guy, and have a son. God has blessed me and made me a survivor.
It is time for you to seek the Lord about His will for your life. Read His word about marriage, forgiveness, and the roles of Godly wives and husbands. Then ask God what He wants you to do.
Praying for ya!!! PM or email me if you ever need to talk.
My first husband was also continuously unfaithful, also from before we were married. He also would tell me about minor infractions, such as going to strip clubs or picking up a prostitute "just to talk" and I, wanting to be teh best Godly wife, forgave him every single time. I say forgive, but basically I just acted like it never happened while he continued to mess up and I continued to die inside, little by little.
He also liked to spend money we didn't have. He got a second mortgage on our house without telling me the full details. He borrowed money frm credit cards to pay other credit cards, and used credit cards to get cash to take with him on his little sexcapades. All the while I did what I thought I was supposed to...keeping the house clean, working all the time, and not making waves in the marriage.
My ex husband saw my continuous forgiveness as permission to do it over and over. He figured I would be OK with it and would forgive him, so why not just do what he wanted?
One day he told me he had not only seen prostitutes but had cheated with them, and not feared he had AIDS. My forgiveness had reached the end of its tether. I shut down my heart and my body to him right there, and it was as if blinders fell off my eyes. What I had been doing is not forgiving...it was enabling. What he had been doing was not asking to be forgiven...it was asking me to relieve his guilt. God created forgiveness as a gracious and sacred thing. To ask for forgiveness means that you are truly sorry and do not intend to do it again. To grant forgiveness means you acknowledge the transgression but will not stop loving them. God can forgive us over and over when we aren't really sorry or don't intend to stop that sin. It is harder for us. And even in our spiritual lives God does hold us accountable and responsible for our sin. Look at David, a man highly favored by God. He sinned big time and even he was punished after finally taking responsibility.
I have forgiven my ex-husband. Now to me, it is water under the bridge. I still carry the scars from his big announcement and all teh ugly secrets I endured for so long. But with God's guidance and through LOTS of prayer, I came out on top. I am re-married to a wonderful guy, and have a son. God has blessed me and made me a survivor.
It is time for you to seek the Lord about His will for your life. Read His word about marriage, forgiveness, and the roles of Godly wives and husbands. Then ask God what He wants you to do.
Praying for ya!!! PM or email me if you ever need to talk.
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Thank you all for your words. I do not like to burden anyone with my problems and this is the first time I have talked to anyone about it, except for my husband. We have both been walking zombies for the past two weeks since this last occurance. It has taken a toll on both of us. We cannot sleep, our minds our cloudy, we can't work efficiently, we are both exhausted from talking (yelling occasionally), crying, pacing... We have a councling session set up for next Thursday, please pray that we will do what is best.
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