How Hard

[PsychoticPoet]

How are is it when you have asperger's syndrome to make friends?Its very hardfor me to even start. I think the syndrome is just a old saying the geek syndrome or loner syndrome and maybe lonely.Not sure why it is hard for me. But do you agree or disagree

 

[dayhiker]

It was hard for me to take the inititive when I was young. I was able to carry my side of the conversation tho. But there were still periods of silence. I learned to be comfortable with the silence.

Then I started to learn about small group dynamics and that helped me.

I started to figure out that people love stories. So I started practicing on people by making my life expereinces into stories to tell. Some would get bored. So I had to force myself to shorten or even just stop telling the story if I could figure out they didn't want to hear my story.

This helped me to be able to be freindly and make freinds.

 

[kbirdgirl]

It is hard to make friends when you have asperger's, but it's worth it!
You kind of need to have an interest in other people first and be willing to learn some of their rules.
My mom taught me to always say hello to everyone and smile when you walk in the room. It is good to be honest about yourself and let people know if you have a hard time understanding them or need feedback on how to handle a social situation and in return help them to understand you.
Just be yourself and try to find people who think you're awesome for who you are.

The most important thing to do is pray. God wants us to have friends because, we are all meant to take care of each other and not be left alone.
If you need a friend just ask in the name of Jesus and God will provide you with one.

 

[Sabertooth]

In school (K-12), it was easier for me in a way. I never really connected well with the "in" crowd (as might be expected), but I noticed a lot of other kids didn't either. That is where I generally found my friends. The main dividing line seemed to be introverts vs. extroverts, but not a 100%.

Some introverts were just dyssocial, like me, but others were anti-social and not open to anybody.

 

[Ultraviolet]

to be honest: its pretty hard to make friends at school or something , you can make acquaintences. its not impossible though, u just need time to be in a small group for a long time. like i am a TA office assistant this year in highsschool, it is one of my elective classes for 12th grade, and i am friends with some of the other TA's my age , because they were around me all year. i think the main difficulty for an aspergers person like me and you is that teachers never let us talk and when they do , they all tend to talk to their friends. and we make friends slower than others and this makes it hard.

i joined a church group. and i met friends there because they actively tried to get everyone together for events,etc.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Dear PsychoticPoet,
I can relate with you totally. I struggle with making friends, and if it weren't for my spouse, I'd be isolated! This may be a cliche answer, but I'd definitely recommend getting involved in a small group at your church. Especially if they have groups with your age. It makes a big difference. It may be helpful to tell them or your peers you struggle with being shy, they may be understanding that you don't share right away. Do they have a middle school/ high school program you can volunteer at?
Best of luck to you, friend.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

I can relate. If it wasn't for my wife I would have no interactions with other people.

I work from home and my wife and kids are visiting her parents right now. Nevermind not have any interactions I haven't even left the house in 4 days. Nowhere to go and no one to see.

 

[TalusJumper]

How are is it when you have asperger's syndrome to make friends?Its very hardfor me to even start. I think the syndrome is just a old saying the geek syndrome or loner syndrome and maybe lonely.Not sure why it is hard for me. But do you agree or disagree

In my case, I completely agree with you. I find it very hard to make friends- my only true friend is my wife (23 years ago- God miraculously put us together- I'd be a mess without her).

My experience with "friends" is that they end up being temporary. They quickly tend to find a more fitting friend for themselves and drift away from me. I assume it is probably my 'quirkiness' that drives them off. I am not particularly negative so I can't figure out what else it may be. I do know my dialog tends to be very logical and mechanical and I hate small talk so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe I am a bit too robotic or seem uncaring and non-reciprocal and that makes people uncomfortable?

 

[Letter Never Sent]

I don't think it's so much what we do (I think of the Pink Floyd lyric for Shine On You Crazy Diamond -- "You wore out your welcome with random precision") as it is what we DON'T do... make people feel good about themselves! You have to have something people want. This is especially difficult for guys. The basis for male bonding is "I stoke your ego, you stroke mine" I just can't do it, I won't do it. And if you're not naturally good at making others feel good you can't force it. It will come across weird, or even... well you know.

So what should you do? Get a dog. Just kidding! I honestly don't know or I'd have friends. I have my wife, our kids, and my brothers. Even my dad doesn't talk to me (not a huge loss) All I can say is pray, be content with the people that are in your life, and enjoy the fellowship from this forum!

 

[ThePurpleFlower]

I don't find it particularly hard to make acquaintances. Just ask people about themselves and then listen for a bit, make sure you nod at appropriate times, and maintain the proper sequence of look away, looking at them, smiling, blinking, etc. And make sure to be interested, even if it's well, boring. It can be a game to find something interesting. Plus, God made this person, so there's got to be a reason for it. They must matter somehow.

Honestly, I find it exhausting a lot, all the small talk that's a part of it. I do a lot of praying and a lot of studying of people. I actually pray to God to increase my compassion and empathy for others---I do have it, sort of, I just don't know how to access it in appropriate ways, or show it on my face. And the amazing thing is, He does come through, the Holy Spirit and all that. I know that I am more compassionate and empathetic now than I was when I was 18. I'm still AS, with the issues and stuff, but...it's like I get this extra blip that gives me a clue about someone. I am highly intuitive about systems, so maybe that's sort of translated to people.

Anyway, for all that, I have very few people I'd consider real friends--people that I don't have to wear a mask around or deal with as an odd entity. My husband's one of them, of course. I try to pray and ask God for one good female friend, just one that I can be my normal self with, wherever I'm at--and He's been really faithful so far, which is amazing. I disclosed to my current friend really quickly on, and she didn't even blink.

Maybe this is somehow easier for girls than for guys? Don't know.

 

[TheChristianAspie]

I am a girl. I had one friend when I was growing up and the only reason she was my friend was because she would come over to my house and call me. She reached out, I did not.

I got another friend when I was a little older, but it was the same thing.

I am married, but that relationship was a struggle at first. I have a lot of trouble maintaining a relationship.

I have a friend now and she is great, but I must admit, she does most of the reaching out.

I am trying to change that, but it is very difficult.