Hey guys, so I'll do the best I can with this because I'm not very eloquent but I'd love to share this with you all--
So recently, I accepted God back into my heart after a series of events had happened--
When I was younger, I had prayed to God almost every night that I would never lose my faith in Him. Well, in the past couple of years, I had come pretty close. After getting a taste of the 'real world' on a semester abroad trip in England, I came back home feeling ready to just grow up and move out and be a full-fledged college student (I was 18). My mom, of course, knew I wasn't ready and told me so upfront (she's very straightforward), and I got defiant. I entered what would be a two-year relationship with a guy who was agnostic, controlling, not very interested in getting to know my family and did things that weren't very Christian. He encouraged me to rebel against my mom and do "whatever makes me happy", as long as I stayed in a relationship with him. I didn't know at the time this was very manipulative, and I was lead away from my family to the point where I moved away from them and in with my grandparents so I wouldn't have to talk to them anymore. I began lying to them, as well as my grandparents, sneaking behind their backs, and staying at my boyfriend's house a lot. I also got into some bad habits I'm not proud of, either... I covered this all up and sort of justified it by maintaining pretty good grades at school and somehow keeping a job at the same time. As I became obsessed with making myself "happy" and making others "happy", I began questioning the Word of God. I changed my major to psychology to figure out whether or not God was something people created in their minds to cope with life. It was a shallow thing to think that completely disregarded faith, but I became obsessed with it. Later, I lost sight of it and told myself I just wanted to help others, but feared that I never could because what made me "happy" was different than what made others "happy". I tried to look at it extremely logically. The more I tried to figure this out, the more I seemed to be hitting a brick wall... I became very selfish, as well. After I finally decided it didn't make me happy to stay with my boyfriend, I broke up with him and went to a university. I began living with a guy who smoked weed every day, and I eventually began doing it as well. I became so dependent on pleasing people and pleasing myself that one day I finally had a panic attack because I was so confused and stressed out. I tried taking one of my roommates anti-depressants, which only helped for a bit until the crash, which brought me down into a worse mood than I was in before. At that point I felt so discouraged and worthless that I just wanted to escape-- I didn't want to live anymore. But there was this small part of me telling me I shouldn't kill myself. At that point, I prayed for the first time in a while, begging God to heal me and that if He did, I would come back to Him. I wanted a reason to live.
That following week, I kicked out my roommate and went into counseling. My aunt had given me the number of this lady who ran a church daycare a couple months back, and I was contemplating calling her for the past 3 days. On the third day, I got a call from her, apologizing that she hadn't called me sooner. She invited me to go to her church on Sunday, and skeptical but desperate, I told her "if I wasn't busy" I'd go.
That Sunday, I went feeling completely unworthy and down and nervous... but everyone was extremely welcoming and I was so grateful. As soon as the service started, I felt this immense feeling of peace. I couldn't explain it-- but it was this feeling of protection and love and holiness. I started crying but figured it might have just been because it's what I was used to (when I was younger and used to go to church) and felt familiar with it. But I decided to explore it further, and went to a Christian bookstore that afternoon. I asked the lady for a college devotional, and she found me one. At the checkout, she asked me, "Are you a student?" and I said I was, and she asked me how my semester was going. I was honest with her and told her it'd been hard, and I'd just gotten out of a not so great relationship, but things were getting better. She immediately teared up and said "Come here, let me give you a hug!". She hugged me and said, "Sometimes girls have good intentions and want to help men who they think they can "fix", but they don't realize it distracts them from their relationship with God-- and that's the most important relationship." It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I thanked her. She invited me to this thing at school called an Encouragement session for girls, and I said I'd love to go. Suddenly, a man behind me said, "I don't mean to eavesdrop, but would you be interested in joining our campus ministry?" I said I'd be willing to try it out, so he gave me the information and I thanked them and left.
The next day I tried out campus ministry. It actually turned out to be a church service at a small church nearby, and it began sort of weird. I was used to the ornate Orthodox church services but this had lots of snapping and gospel songs and dancing, but I sorta went with it because I had that same sense of peace I did before.
The strange part though, was right before the service. The first girl who introduced herself was named "Emily", which is my sister's name. The second girl who introduced herself to me was named "Colleen", which is my middle name, and they were roommates. I later found out that Emily's an education major like me and had my same birthday (I knew nobody with my birthday before). Not only that, but the only person I became friends with at my school popped up behind me and goes, "Oh wow, the world keeps getting smaller and smaller."
The sermon was called "Good, clean living" and was about how Christians need to be around other Christian people who can lift them up and encourage them. About how it's good to be open with these people, and not people who 'have your same problems' or people you think you need to help. He talked about how important it was to make time for these people and prioritize so that you don't lose sight of God and you maintain good habits through the encouragement of others. It was perfect for me, it seemed-- I thanked him and hugged him afterwards and he told me he hoped I'd come back. I did, for every service, and every Bible study and every sermon seemed to help me with my personal issues so much that I felt uplifted every time.
Everyone at the church called themselves a family, and were very welcoming. That was huge to me because I had been really shy before, and I opened up to these people more. I met tons of inspiring people this way, and learned about their lives and talked to them about their relationship with God. I began realizing a lot of the bad habits in my life, and started to change them. I opened up to my parents and was honest with them about the stuff I had gotten into before, and was shocked to have them respond with "We still love you and want you to come home"-- I began talking to my sister more, talking to certain people in my life less, focusing more on school and reading the Bible every night. It wasn't easy-- I had lots of moments of self-doubt and self-pity and guilt, but I pushed through that and tried to focus on God's compassion for me and all the blessings He'd brought into my life. This all happened over the course of three weeks and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I had been brought to such a place of healing, just because I had asked God and placed such little faith in Him. It reminded me of the Bible verse about the mustard seed, where Jesus said, "If you had as faith as small as a mustard seed, you'd be able to move a mountain." He definitely moved mountains in my life!
I recently talked to a woman who oversees a church here (I met her at the Encouragement session, actually), and she told me that I might have been sent here just to go back to my family and witness to them. This seemed like the right answer-- I'm going back on Monday and I pray that she's true, but I miss them and feel like I need to see them in order to continue to repair my relationship with them. I think she's right. I met her through the woman at the bookstore, who reminded me of my mom and who's husband apparently also had my same birthday as well. The Encouragement session turned out to be a Bible study for college-aged women, and the woman who ran it prayed for everyone on the last day. As she was praying, she walked by and touched my shoulder. I had been really sleep deprived and tense that day, but as she touched my shoulder, I felt this immense sense of peace and my muscles immediately relaxed.
I also found out recently the first service I went to was called the "Awakening" service.
It's only been a month since then, but I still feel extremely blessed that all of this happened. I'm probably not staying in this town because I feel like it's not right for me, but if I move back home I'm definitely going to come visit every once in a while. I made so many friends in the past month and even though I'm not close to them, they've brought me closer to God than I could ever imagine.
So recently, I accepted God back into my heart after a series of events had happened--
When I was younger, I had prayed to God almost every night that I would never lose my faith in Him. Well, in the past couple of years, I had come pretty close. After getting a taste of the 'real world' on a semester abroad trip in England, I came back home feeling ready to just grow up and move out and be a full-fledged college student (I was 18). My mom, of course, knew I wasn't ready and told me so upfront (she's very straightforward), and I got defiant. I entered what would be a two-year relationship with a guy who was agnostic, controlling, not very interested in getting to know my family and did things that weren't very Christian. He encouraged me to rebel against my mom and do "whatever makes me happy", as long as I stayed in a relationship with him. I didn't know at the time this was very manipulative, and I was lead away from my family to the point where I moved away from them and in with my grandparents so I wouldn't have to talk to them anymore. I began lying to them, as well as my grandparents, sneaking behind their backs, and staying at my boyfriend's house a lot. I also got into some bad habits I'm not proud of, either... I covered this all up and sort of justified it by maintaining pretty good grades at school and somehow keeping a job at the same time. As I became obsessed with making myself "happy" and making others "happy", I began questioning the Word of God. I changed my major to psychology to figure out whether or not God was something people created in their minds to cope with life. It was a shallow thing to think that completely disregarded faith, but I became obsessed with it. Later, I lost sight of it and told myself I just wanted to help others, but feared that I never could because what made me "happy" was different than what made others "happy". I tried to look at it extremely logically. The more I tried to figure this out, the more I seemed to be hitting a brick wall... I became very selfish, as well. After I finally decided it didn't make me happy to stay with my boyfriend, I broke up with him and went to a university. I began living with a guy who smoked weed every day, and I eventually began doing it as well. I became so dependent on pleasing people and pleasing myself that one day I finally had a panic attack because I was so confused and stressed out. I tried taking one of my roommates anti-depressants, which only helped for a bit until the crash, which brought me down into a worse mood than I was in before. At that point I felt so discouraged and worthless that I just wanted to escape-- I didn't want to live anymore. But there was this small part of me telling me I shouldn't kill myself. At that point, I prayed for the first time in a while, begging God to heal me and that if He did, I would come back to Him. I wanted a reason to live.
That following week, I kicked out my roommate and went into counseling. My aunt had given me the number of this lady who ran a church daycare a couple months back, and I was contemplating calling her for the past 3 days. On the third day, I got a call from her, apologizing that she hadn't called me sooner. She invited me to go to her church on Sunday, and skeptical but desperate, I told her "if I wasn't busy" I'd go.
That Sunday, I went feeling completely unworthy and down and nervous... but everyone was extremely welcoming and I was so grateful. As soon as the service started, I felt this immense feeling of peace. I couldn't explain it-- but it was this feeling of protection and love and holiness. I started crying but figured it might have just been because it's what I was used to (when I was younger and used to go to church) and felt familiar with it. But I decided to explore it further, and went to a Christian bookstore that afternoon. I asked the lady for a college devotional, and she found me one. At the checkout, she asked me, "Are you a student?" and I said I was, and she asked me how my semester was going. I was honest with her and told her it'd been hard, and I'd just gotten out of a not so great relationship, but things were getting better. She immediately teared up and said "Come here, let me give you a hug!". She hugged me and said, "Sometimes girls have good intentions and want to help men who they think they can "fix", but they don't realize it distracts them from their relationship with God-- and that's the most important relationship." It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I thanked her. She invited me to this thing at school called an Encouragement session for girls, and I said I'd love to go. Suddenly, a man behind me said, "I don't mean to eavesdrop, but would you be interested in joining our campus ministry?" I said I'd be willing to try it out, so he gave me the information and I thanked them and left.
The next day I tried out campus ministry. It actually turned out to be a church service at a small church nearby, and it began sort of weird. I was used to the ornate Orthodox church services but this had lots of snapping and gospel songs and dancing, but I sorta went with it because I had that same sense of peace I did before.
The strange part though, was right before the service. The first girl who introduced herself was named "Emily", which is my sister's name. The second girl who introduced herself to me was named "Colleen", which is my middle name, and they were roommates. I later found out that Emily's an education major like me and had my same birthday (I knew nobody with my birthday before). Not only that, but the only person I became friends with at my school popped up behind me and goes, "Oh wow, the world keeps getting smaller and smaller."
The sermon was called "Good, clean living" and was about how Christians need to be around other Christian people who can lift them up and encourage them. About how it's good to be open with these people, and not people who 'have your same problems' or people you think you need to help. He talked about how important it was to make time for these people and prioritize so that you don't lose sight of God and you maintain good habits through the encouragement of others. It was perfect for me, it seemed-- I thanked him and hugged him afterwards and he told me he hoped I'd come back. I did, for every service, and every Bible study and every sermon seemed to help me with my personal issues so much that I felt uplifted every time.
Everyone at the church called themselves a family, and were very welcoming. That was huge to me because I had been really shy before, and I opened up to these people more. I met tons of inspiring people this way, and learned about their lives and talked to them about their relationship with God. I began realizing a lot of the bad habits in my life, and started to change them. I opened up to my parents and was honest with them about the stuff I had gotten into before, and was shocked to have them respond with "We still love you and want you to come home"-- I began talking to my sister more, talking to certain people in my life less, focusing more on school and reading the Bible every night. It wasn't easy-- I had lots of moments of self-doubt and self-pity and guilt, but I pushed through that and tried to focus on God's compassion for me and all the blessings He'd brought into my life. This all happened over the course of three weeks and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I had been brought to such a place of healing, just because I had asked God and placed such little faith in Him. It reminded me of the Bible verse about the mustard seed, where Jesus said, "If you had as faith as small as a mustard seed, you'd be able to move a mountain." He definitely moved mountains in my life!
I recently talked to a woman who oversees a church here (I met her at the Encouragement session, actually), and she told me that I might have been sent here just to go back to my family and witness to them. This seemed like the right answer-- I'm going back on Monday and I pray that she's true, but I miss them and feel like I need to see them in order to continue to repair my relationship with them. I think she's right. I met her through the woman at the bookstore, who reminded me of my mom and who's husband apparently also had my same birthday as well. The Encouragement session turned out to be a Bible study for college-aged women, and the woman who ran it prayed for everyone on the last day. As she was praying, she walked by and touched my shoulder. I had been really sleep deprived and tense that day, but as she touched my shoulder, I felt this immense sense of peace and my muscles immediately relaxed.
I also found out recently the first service I went to was called the "Awakening" service.
It's only been a month since then, but I still feel extremely blessed that all of this happened. I'm probably not staying in this town because I feel like it's not right for me, but if I move back home I'm definitely going to come visit every once in a while. I made so many friends in the past month and even though I'm not close to them, they've brought me closer to God than I could ever imagine.
