How far is too far?

[globe]

Hey im new to this site and i was just wondering what other people thought about this. Well im 17 and i have a girlfriend (its one of my first relationships) and i was just wondering from a christian point of view (cause i am a christian and want to do the right thing) how far is too far to go? Like i deffinately know that sex is way too far and should be saved till after marriage. But I want to know what I can and can't do with her. I read on a christian site that you should keep to holding hands, hugging and the occasional kiss. But im not really too clear on things and have never been told... Is it okay to lie next to eachother and hold eachother close? Is it okay to pash eachother for a little while? Is it okay to use tounge while kissing? And yeah, im sorry if your reading this and thinking "this guy is stupid" Im not, I just want to do the right thing by God and not feel bad. Its not a big deal, I would just like to know what other people think about what is okay and whats not. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Living4Him03]

There are A LOT of threads pertaining to this specific issue. I'd suggest visiting them to find out what people have said

 

[white dove]

globe, unfortunately I posted my response on the last forum & can't get back to it now...I'm sorry, I can't remember where you were! check out my second to the last posting under my name, hope that helps you a bit

 

[fishstix]

Hey im new to this site and i was just wondering what other people thought about this. Well im 17 and i have a girlfriend (its one of my first relationships) and i was just wondering from a christian point of view (cause i am a christian and want to do the right thing) how far is too far to go? Like i deffinately know that sex is way too far and should be saved till after marriage. But I want to know what I can and can't do with her. I read on a christian site that you should keep to holding hands, hugging and the occasional kiss. But im not really too clear on things and have never been told... Is it okay to lie next to eachother and hold eachother close? Is it okay to pash eachother for a little while? Is it okay to use tounge while kissing? And yeah, im sorry if your reading this and thinking "this guy is stupid" Im not, I just want to do the right thing by God and not feel bad. Its not a big deal, I would just like to know what other people think about what is okay and whats not. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Define "pash". I don't know what that means.

In general, I think some guidelines to use are:

-Don't do anything that could cause either of you to lose control and start wanting to go farther than you know you should.
-Don't do anything that you wouldn't be comfortable doing with Jesus in the room watching you.
-Don't do anything that either of you may feel guilty about later.
-Don't try to get as close as possible to sin - try to stay as far as possible from sin.
-Set up boundaries ahead of time that both of you are comfortable with and stick to them.
-If one person is comfortable going farther than the other, don't push the other person to compromise their standards.
-Keep in mind that you may not marry this person and she could eventually be someone else's wife. Keep in mind that your future wife may be dating some other guy right now. Don't do anything with your girlfriend that you wouldn't want some other guy to do with your future wife.

 

[Jack_Racz]

You should work for purity of the relationship. Meaning, don't lust.

 

[koppee1]

I would say it would be different for different people. With my ex, we set a limit to anything BUT penetration. But after awhile, we sort of felt guilty so we set our limits to anything but no oral sex. But after awhile, I missed it too much so we broke that limit and set it back to anything BUT penetration. What's my point? At the time, I thought I could proudly proclaim how strong my will power was to be able to fool around without having sex. But it was only later on did I realize how weak I was that I broke our set limit to fulfill my lust. Also, after we started fooling around, I would always want to fool around everytime we went out. The times we weren't able to, I felt irritated or sort of cheated. But before we had that first kiss and upgraded from there...our dates where talking, movies, etc. Relationship building stuff in my opinion. It was only after we (or at least I) liked the "fooling around" that it became my priority. I'm now married and have a 3 year old kid. I previously thought I'd tell him anything goes as long as you keep your clothes on. But now, I think i'll tell him this story and let him decide for himself. And advice him to leave fooling around for later (like when he's married).

 

[pgmike]

i choose to keep it limited to kissing, and not on a bed. no wandering of the hands either to her chest or below her belt. this is the best way to keep myself from becoming too aroused and begin to lust and go further. i want it to remain pure. as far as the analogy about not doing anything you wouldnt do if jesus was in the room, i think that doesnt always work bc i wouldnt kiss my gf on the lips in front of anybody, even my best friend who i have no problem telling every detail of my life. its not that i feel guilty about it, its that its something personal that you dont want them to view, just as i wouldnt want him to be there listening to me say those romantic things.

 

[plum]

Everyone has their own limits, or boundaries as they could be called. The point of not going "too far" is getting away with everything UP TO that line, isn't it?. What's the point then of setting a line? If our mindset isn't the pursuit or purity and a spiritual connection, we're kinda kidding ourselves. I think physical intimacy is something for which we can openly seek guidance from God. I'm still learning more about my sexual ethic, and I've made PLENTY of mistakes by setting lines for myself and then crossing them. After you cross them, where do you go from there? I think perhaps the focus needs to change from getting all we can physically out of a relationship ("how far can i go before it's wrong?" mindset) and set our minds on the spirituality of sexuality and how God wants us to use it.

man i babbled. it's obviously a topic I've been wrestling with. So in that way, buddy, I empathize! it's hard to know our boundaries without them being told to us by someone else, but I encourage you to go to Christ about it continually. It's never too late to commit yourself to a sexual ethic (which is essentially, figuring out what each sexual activity -means- and why you would do it with someone, and what doing that with them would actually mean).

 

[Pirch80]

I'd say to go as far that makes it comfortable for you and your partner. As long as you're both comfortable it should be alright. With my last girlfriend I started off by going over to her house and hugging her and snuggling but that was my comfort zone. I'm very sure she'll tell you if it's uncomfortable to her but you also got to watch. As long as it's comfortable for both of you I'm sure you'll be alright.

 

[fishstix]

I'd say to go as far that makes it comfortable for you and your partner. As long as you're both comfortable it should be alright. With my last girlfriend I started off by going over to her house and hugging her and snuggling but that was my comfort zone. I'm very sure she'll tell you if it's uncomfortable to her but you also got to watch. As long as it's comfortable for both of you I'm sure you'll be alright.

Some people are comfortable with all-out sex...

 

[MagusAlbertus]

when you are indulging in lustful behavior and not married you have gone to far.



may sound 'prudish' but God's got His ways for good reasons, such as the beauty and goodness of Love with your wife.

 

[Melee]

when you are indulging in lustful behavior and not married you have gone to far.

I'm new here, but this seems like a simple-minded point of view. It is completely natural to want sexual contact and desire to be with members of the opposite sex. It also makes relationships exciting and interesting. So what is wrong with kissing passionately or touching or going further if it is for the purpose of expressing your feelings for another?

 

[stray bullet]

I'm new here, but this seems like a simple-minded point of view. It is completely natural to want sexual contact and desire to be with members of the opposite sex. It also makes relationships exciting and interesting. So what is wrong with kissing passionately or touching or going further if it is for the purpose of expressing your feelings for another?

Because it is inappropriate. You don't passionately kiss your relatives or friends do you?

 

[Pirch80]

But there's a difference between a relationship with a girlfriend or fiancee than between a friend or a family member. A friend or family member you don't get as close as you ever would with a girlfriend or fiancee. But I do have to agree that you should hold off on all out sex for a while. Cuddling is alright but past that you want to watch out.

 

[stray bullet]

But there's a difference between a relationship with a girlfriend or fiancee than between a friend or a family member. A friend or family member you don't get as close as you ever would with a girlfriend or fiancee. But I do have to agree that you should hold off on all out sex for a while. Cuddling is alright but past that you want to watch out.

I was referring the "it's ok to show affection" excuse.

 

[fishstix]

I'm new here, but this seems like a simple-minded point of view. It is completely natural to want sexual contact and desire to be with members of the opposite sex. It also makes relationships exciting and interesting. So what is wrong with kissing passionately or touching or going further if it is for the purpose of expressing your feelings for another?

Wanting to have sex with each other is natural too, but that doesn't make it right to go through with it if the two people aren't married to each other. The Bible says that sex outside of marriage is wrong. There are a number of problems with pushing boundaries too far. One thing leads to another and eventually you're going to get to a really strong urge to have sex. All those deeper kinds of physical contact are designed to arouse the people engaging in them and lead up to sex. It is unwise to get yourselves to the point where you're going to be tempted like that. Another problem is that diving into the physical/sexual too soon or too deeply can make that the whole focus of the relationship and stunt growth in other areas. Also, it can lead to more extreme hurt if the relationship ends.

 

[Melee]

Wanting to have sex with each other is natural too, but that doesn't make it right to go through with it if the two people aren't married to each other. The Bible says that sex outside of marriage is wrong. There are a number of problems with pushing boundaries too far. One thing leads to another and eventually you're going to get to a really strong urge to have sex. All those deeper kinds of physical contact are designed to arouse the people engaging in them and lead up to sex. It is unwise to get yourselves to the point where you're going to be tempted like that. Another problem is that diving into the physical/sexual too soon or too deeply can make that the whole focus of the relationship and stunt growth in other areas. Also, it can lead to more extreme hurt if the relationship ends.

That would make the relationship entirely too sterile. A relationship is supposed to involve becoming closer and more intimate. I've been dating a girl now for a week and we had sex on the second date. Sex is an important part of any serious relationship. Isn't it important to determine early on whether you are sexually compatible? Isn't that better than finding out after you've invested years into a relationship, or even marriage, that you are not sexually compatible, and the relationship ends as a result?

 

[fishstix]

That would make the relationship entirely too sterile. A relationship is supposed to involve becoming closer and more intimate. I've been dating a girl now for a week and we had sex on the second date. Sex is an important part of any serious relationship. Isn't it important to determine early on whether you are sexually compatible? Isn't that better than finding out after you've invested years into a relationship, or even marriage, that you are not sexually compatible, and the relationship ends as a result?

What do you think your priest would say about that? Having sex outside of marriage is a sin, plain and simple. Sex should not be a part of a relationship until marriage. Determining sexual compatibility can be done without actually having sex - it's called talking. There are far more important parts of a relationship that sex, which you may never get a chance to work on if you are skipping right to the sex. Furthermore, how can a relationship be that serious after just 2 dates?

What would you do if your girlfriend got pregnant or you got an STD?

 

[Melee]

What do you think your priest would say about that? Having sex outside of marriage is a sin, plain and simple. Sex should not be a part of a relationship until marriage. Determining sexual compatibility can be done without actually having sex - it's called talking. There are far more important parts of a relationship that sex, which you may never get a chance to work on if you are skipping right to the sex. Furthermore, how can a relationship be that serious after just 2 dates?

What would you do if your girlfriend got pregnant or you got an STD?

We are responsible as far as pregnancy and STD's go. And I agree that the relationship is not serious yet. But if one is going to invest the time and effort towards a relationship in the hope that it becomes serious, shouldn't the parties make sure that they are right for one another in that department. Sex is still important, and in some relationships can be a dealbreaker - better to know now than later.

I always have sex early in relationships, sometimes on the first date. Maybe I am weak and naive. But I believe I benefit from taking one unknown out of the equation and can focus on other important elements of the relationship.

 

[fishstix]

We are responsible as far as pregnancy and STD's go. And I agree that the relationship is not serious yet. But if one is going to invest the time and effort towards a relationship in the hope that it becomes serious, shouldn't the parties make sure that they are right for one another in that department. Sex is still important, and in some relationships can be a dealbreaker - better to know now than later.

I always have sex early in relationships, sometimes on the first date. Maybe I am weak and naive. But I believe I benefit from taking one unknown out of the equation and can focus on other important elements of the relationship.

What do you mean by responsible? How is starting relationships with sex responsible?