How far is ... not far enough?

[Jill Pole]

This is my first post - I've been lurking for a while and finally signed on. It's a delicate question, and I'm struggling with even how to ask it, because it may be misinterpreted. But here goes ...

I've been dating a good man since December, and he's been very respectful of me. He's held my hand for a few moments at a time - twice - and has kissed me goodbye on some of our last few dates. But other than that, he never touches me. Sometimes he even pulls away when I get into his personal space. And although I have seen signs in other men's eyes that they find me attractive, I haven't seen it from him.

I'm glad he's being so careful to keep us off the slippery slope, but I'm starting to question whether or not he's actually feeling any chemistry for me. I'm feeling it for him, but it's fading for lack of fuel! At first I thought maybe he was doing the "no kissing until the wedding ceremony" thing, but that's been ruled out. And except for the few kisses, I've felt more like his cousin than his girlfriend. I haven't dated much, and he's the first man who's ever kissed me, so I don't have any basis for comparison. He does keep asking me out, so it would seem that he enjoys my company, but my gut says something's just not quite right.

I think he could tell that I liked the kisses, and I even told him once that it would be OK to put his arm around me. But nothing changed, and I felt like I'd been overly forward. I also felt rejected and undesirable. Please understand - I'm talking about G-rated affectionate behaviors, NOT sleeping with him. I ABSOLUTELY don't want to be some kind of temptress, and I realize these things can get out of control quickly. But I'm realizing I could never survive in a marriage with this little physical contact - one casual touch from a male co-worker and I'd be on the road to adultery, at least in my heart.

So ... how can I figure out whether this lack of physical affection is a sign of his great restraint, or is he's just plain not feeling it? And if he says it's restraint and respect, how can I be certain he's telling me the truth before it's too late to get out?

Thanks for any insights ...

 

[LifeInYou]

So ... how can I figure out whether this lack of physical affection is a sign of his great restraint, or is he's just plain not feeling it?

Just ask him, it's awkward and difficult at times, but ya need to find out. I don't see why he would hang around if he doesn't have the hots for you.

And if he says it's restraint and respect, how can I be certain he's telling me the truth before it's too late to get out?

Date him for a long time, if he's consistent in his actions then I'd say it's safe. If women use discernment, usually they can eventually see through the "i'm prince charming, let me sweep you off your feet at first so I can have you, and then turn into a monster once you're mine" routine. LOL, heh, i make myself laugh. No, but really, date him for awhile and also look to see how he behaves in his other relationships. Is his body language and speech aggressive or reserved in those situations? Maybe he's just really timid, and given time he'll open up.

 

[seekingsomething]

TALK TO HIM x x x Just the same as you dont want a lack of physical relationship, without communication there wont BE a relationship. Also try thinkin that maybe someone has maybe tempted him before or he has tempted someone, so he might be just bein careful. Or the way you havent had any experience before, well maybe he hasnt and just needs some guidance. Take it day by day and let him know what you do and dont like. KEEP TALKIN!!!!!!!! This could be a good chance to experiment together. I really hope this works out for you and please try to remember that even if THIS guy doesnt find you desirable, many more will. Love in Christ x x x

 

[cutekid 4 Jesus]

Maybe he has very conservative views on what you do when you date,well not that conservative if he has kissed you. I think if you have been dating him for a few months now you should be quite close right?I am a great believer in the utility of communication,it can do a lot for a relationship,so basically ask him why he isnt more affectionate. Maybe he finds you so attractive so he knows if he starts cuddling and stuff it will awaken desires that should be awoken until marriage?Or it could be that he is not a very affectionate person,if so that is something you may just have to put up with unless he is willing to change or you just get out the relationship. I know myself that I couldnt do without lots of hugs and cuddles but thats just me! But is seems like you have a very nice and respectful man out there and I wish I could find one like that now

 

[jenptcfan]

Definately talk to him.

 

[backpeddler]

Hi Lucy

As with the ladies earlier comments - Communication is the key. Ask him how he feels about you and let him know how you feel; express your needs in a relationship and discuss with him openly the boundaries of the relationship. You may have to express your feelings first, which is always a little daunting. However, no one but the two of you will ever know what passes... so chin up if you would like to progress. I'm assuming he is a Christian, in which case, he maybe purposely avoiding too much physical intimacy. Realisation of (both) your boundaries will allow for a comfortable and relaxing relationship. Continue to be positive, and show your affection for him!

If you are keen, you should look to develop the relationship beyond the "cousin" stage... in a "G-rated" sense.

Listen to what God tells you.

peace

 

[LadyBird]

I don't think it's you. I think that he is just trying to keep your relationship pure. You never know (unless you ask) how far he is comfortable going without it turning into temptation. He may not want to start something that he can't finish right now...which is really good I think. I wish more men were like that! Bottom line, talk with him about it!!! If he didn't have feelings for you he wouldn't be with .

 

[goat37]

As a guy... I think a few things could be causing his behavior.

The first could just be the fact that he is not an outwardly affectionate person... some people are like that and don't like to hug, or hold, or kiss etc... I hope that's not the case, as that is usually some of the best parts.

It could be that he doesn't want you thinking that he is overly aggressive and is it it only for the 'affection and passion' parts of the relationship... thus is trying to communicate to you that he is interested in you as a whole... not just the affection. (guys are weird like that)

Could be he is self-conscious about himself in some way and so he is afraid to let you get too close to him, maybe he feels he doesn't kiss well...(or maybe he's never really done these things before with a girlfriend and doesn't know how to start) or whatever... in which case, I would recommend for you to be the aggressor for a little while... until he figures out that you really are into him too. Don't do anything that you feel would make you cross a line you normally wouldn't, but just enough to let him know your interest. (plus, guys like it when girls are aggressive... )

It could also be that he's not interested... but I am really doubting this one seeing as how you guys keep going out together...

Don't know if that helps, but it gives you some possible insight into what it /could/ be... I hope it all works out for ya!!!!

 

[Jill Pole]

It's me again - the poster of the original question, but I had to change my username because there were too many Lucy Pevensies in this forum already. Everybody likes Narnia!

Thanks for all your insights. I did tell him how I felt and asked him what was up. His response: he hadn't actually been feeling any sparks for me, but had been thinking if he just held on long enough he might be able to find some. I guess I can choose to see that as flattering - he must have thought I was worth it at some level. But maybe he just didn't want to hurt my feelings, and hanging on was easier and less stressful than breaking up with me.

He felt terrible about having "strung me along" with mixed messages for so long. But now that I look back, it wasn't just the lack of physical contact - there were things he said and did from the beginning that made me question his enthusiasm about all this. At the time I interpreted them in the best light possible - he's not an excitable guy in the first place, and he was, after all, continuing to desire my company. But I think my gut knew the truth all along.

I'm sad, and disappointed, and feeling like the last good man on earth didn't want me. But even now I realize that being single is better than being in a bad relationship - and this wasn't going to be a good one. I already feel more peaceful now that the constant question is off my mind. It was really a relief to get the truth at last!

Sadder, but wiser ...

Jill Pole (formerly Lucy Pevensie)

 

[jenptcfan]

Jill,

I'm glad that you had that talk with him and got to the bottom of things so you weren't left wondering. Still painful, I know. *hugs*

Don't buy into the lie that you've been passed up by the last good man on earth. God is in control and there's a plan for your life. God says his plans are to prosper us and not to harm us.

 

[KristiXP]

Sadder, but wiser ...

Girl, you've got it right there! You are wiser now, you know what to look for, you know what the signs are, so if there's a next time (I hope there will be), you'll know.

Trust me, he's not the last good man out there. God probably has this awesome guy out there just waiting for you! Even if it isn't in His plan for you not to find someone, He only want's you to be happy and He will provide!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Ditto that.
Go Kristi!

 

[Jill Pole]

Thanks for all your support! I've actually been feeling pretty good about things. God is taking good care of me, largely via good friends and family. I feel like maybe the purpose of all this really WAS to bring me close to Him, which is rather exciting. The farther out I get from the breakup, the more I can see that this relationship just wasn't the right thing. This isn't to say that I'm not occasionally hit unexpectedly with feelings of deep sadness over the loss. Odd things remind me of him and the hopes I once had for this relationship. But I'm remembering that every tear I shed over this is one closer to the last one, and that God is storing all of them in a bottle. I'm getting kind of tired of crying about it, actually. But it feels like something I just have to do until I'm done. Does that make sense?

Girl, you've got it right there! You are wiser now, you know what to look for, you know what the signs are, so if there's a next time (I hope there will be), you'll know.

And this statement kind of brings me back to my original question: how far is not far enough? I can see now that the problem in my relationship wasn't merely a physical chemistry thing, so I suppose it was the wrong question to be asking in the first place. However, IS there such a thing as "not far enough?" If "too far" means that you've activated feelings and thoughts in yourself or the other person that shouldn't be activated until marriage, and yet you want to avoid at all costs a marriage where those feelings aren't going to exist ... well ... how DO you do that?

Maybe some of the guys here could respond ... how do you act when you're definitely feeling physically drawn to the woman you're dating but don't want to push the wrong buttons? Are there signs I can look for, even from a very respectful guy, that would show it's definitely restraint and not just disinterest? For example, it bothered me that this guy would pull away when I got too close, but I thought maybe he was just being careful. Turned out he didn't want to be close to me. Opposite emotions, same action ... yeah, I guess I'd just have to talk to him. ::

Thanks again ...

Jill Pole

 

[KristiXP]

Well, I don't think I can really pin point a stage that isn't far enough, but I would have to say that if he/you are doing things with eachother that are bringing you to have sexual feelings then that is too far. I am an touchy person with my boyfriend, I have to be holding his hand, have my arm around him, a finger in a belt loop...etc... He's the same way though and I like it that way. If I didn't have kissing, I think I would feel that he's not attracted to me. Hugging, holding, cudling... It totally depends on the people in the relationship.

The above is pretty much my relationship.

 

[horuhe00]

Well, for me, my first serious relationship was back in November-December...*sigh* I had a friend that was at a university 100 miles away so we mostly talked over the net. We ended up having feelings for each other and one day in November, I went to visit her(the excuse was I was going to see Matrix Revolution which was $3.50 over there) and we spent the whole day together with 2 more of her girlfriends. Anyway, that day made it clear that we were interested in each other... The relationship lasted about 5 weeks and only once in that time did we go out alone together. Every other time, there were other people tagging along.
Making a long story short, it was my first serious relationship and hers too, so we were both entering uncharted waters. We could only see each other on the weekends. It took us 4 weeks to actualy admit to each other that we liked each other and that night I tried to kiss her bu it got messed up and we didn't kiss. (How pathetic is THAT?) We lasted one more weekend and then she started ignoring me....

Now that I got your pitty, (thank you) I'll tell you my point of view. At first, i realy liked her but I didn't know if it was deep enough to get serious. So the first 3 weeks, I was prety distant and not very affectionate when we were close. I didn't do it on purpous, I did it to protect her feelings and mine too. Honest. After that, we started holding hands a few times and hugs. I had decided that "I don't know if she's the one but she's good enough for me to try." Then came weekend #4 and that night, after 3 hours of running around the subject, we finaly declared out, not love... deep feelings for one another. There I tried to kiss her but I messed up and we didn't. (she later told me she wanted to get kissed but oh well) Weekend #5 came along and we went out with 3 more of her friends. We were in a group all night so I didn't get to kiss her that night cose she stayed at her best friend's house. That was the last weekend of our brief relationship.

Wow... I'm ranting... Anyway, we were new to the relationship thing, we didn't have experience being "lovey dovey" with someone, we could only see each other on the weekends, and we would almost always go out with someone (except one night and when we got to the beach, it started raining). But the worst thing of it was the lack of comunication. We took a month to talk about our feelings. And we hardly talked about inportant stuff like that.

It was a failed relationship primarily because of no/poor communication.

But going back to the original question... We both wanted more but didn't do enough. Hugs, cuddling, kisses, french kissing... it's all good but if you are touching anything that is covered by a bathing suit, your doing too much.

*Sigh* Sorry for the rant...

 

[micaela]

Hi there, this is my first post ever as I've just discovered this website. I'm excited by the godly advice that people appear to be offering here.
I'm 25 and I've been dating my first serious boyfriend for three months now, and we've hit a stumbling block. He is very touchy-feely but tends to lose control after a while in a private situation, so we've put boundaries in place so that it shouldn't happen. On the other hand, I would love to be able to kiss him (without it having to lead anywhere) but he feels that that is a level of intimacy he would prefer to save for marriage. I understand why it would be best to, but I really struggle with wanting to save it. I keep coming up with silly compromises, (e.g. can we kiss until we get engaged and then not until the wedding?! ) I respect him so much for wanting to stay as pure as possible, but it almost seems like double-standards if he is allowed to 'roam' as such.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

 

[horuhe00]

Micaela:

If he loses control over kissing, then I'm happy to say your going to have a very happy marage

I think you guys should at least be able to kiss without anything terrbly, horribly bad happening (This coming from someone who has yet to kiss.)

I mean, wanting to be pure for marage is one thing... but not kissing? Then what's the difference between that and being friends?