I am trying my best to do what God wants for me, even though I have failed to stay on the path over the years. My problems started 40+ years ago when my parents divorced. It was not pretty. I meet my wife while in the AF, and neither of us was saved. She became a Christian b-4 me, while she was still stationed in the PI. Over the years my frustration and anger would get to unhealthy levels, but I never struck her or the children. She was attacked in our home in July of 2001, while I was away on my job. {I feel she still blames me for taking a job that required me to be gone, and could not protect her} 
In March of '03 she filed a PFA {Protection From Abuse} against me. Went to court, and it was dismissed. Opened my eyes to my problems, and searched out help. Found out I have Adult ADHD. Explained some problems. Lost my job, because of the medication, and was out of work for 3 months. New job, still having to be gone from home {how I hate and despise that!!}. Tried to get more help for my "illness", hard to do when gone 5 to 6 days a week. She became further and further from me emotionally and physically. Had a really hard time adjusting to my "new" mind, the meds changed much of how my mind worked. Tried for over the last three years to get her to open up and tell me how to make the marriage work, what she required or wanted, all I got was "I don't know". During this time she was going to school for Criminology, and she now has an assoc. degree. A lot of the pulling away happened during this time also. Part of her classes dealt with the DSM IV, and I asked her for advice on who I could see, or what actions I could peruse to get help. Her response was "you need to figure that out on your own", or "I don't know". I kept trying to "find out for myself", but could never find the balance between seeking out help, and earning enough to support the family.{We have been married 20 years, and have 9 children. Aug 17th would have been 21 years.} 
Every time I came home, the money argument would start again. Never enough to pay the bills, and she always let me know which ones were behind. The guilt I felt drove me crazy. After a time, I gave up trying to get my mind "fixed", and just soldiered on. Problems only mounted. Found out in early March that I would be laid off. Started making plans to get help. Did not bother to tell her, for I could no longer talk to her, she was totally closed off. She even went out with her sister and "friends" when I was home to take her out for our 20th anniversary. Told me she "forgot". She does that a lot any more. Laid off from my job on March 31st and on March 24th of this year she filed for divorce. I found out on March 29th. That week SUCKED! I returned "home" homeless, spent 10 days out patient in classes at local nut house, and found out the real reasons behind my illness, {Adult ADHD With Major Depression} and received different meds for the healing. I felt like the first time in my life I was "normal". Could think and act like a rational human. Problem? I could now see where she was "abusive" towards me for 15+ years. {Locking the check book in her car, grilling me every time I needed money, being nice to me so she could get big ticket items without me, treating me like a doormat when she did not need me, ridiculing me, and making jokes of me in front of "her" friends embarrassing me to no end and then telling me that she was "only kidding"} I also started questioning her as to why she wanted a divorce, when God's word does not allow it except for adultery. {Not the reason!!} She has yet to tell me anything other than "I'm just tired of it". You figure it out, I have zero clue. She has become increasingly hostile towards me, including having me arrested during church when I was legally allowed to be there. {Delaware laws are Pro-Woman, The woman is always right, and the man is guilty until proven guilty} Cops did not even ask if I was allowed to be there, just cuffed and stuffed me in front of the Church with about 30 people watching. I have since turned everything over to God, and am letting Him do His work. That brings me to the big question. I still love her, and want to grow old with her despite all of the wrongs. I never once wavered in my support of her, and stood by her when hard times fell, even when others attacked her integrity. After 21 years together, and all of the feelings, memories and emotions, just how does one let go and let them take their own path? I am now living alone, and cannot even see or talk to my children due to the legal proceedings she has caused. I am more than justified in the worlds eyes to hate her, to lash out at her, and to retaliate against her thru the courts, but I am refusing to do ANY of that. I want to show Gods Love towards her, and to follow in the path my Father God ahs for me. I just wish I could let go of the pain and hurt in my heart, for I feel that this is holding me back from Gods blessings.
Sorry for making this such a large post, but I feel that the back ground info, though breif, was necassary.
In March of '03 she filed a PFA {Protection From Abuse} against me. Went to court, and it was dismissed. Opened my eyes to my problems, and searched out help. Found out I have Adult ADHD. Explained some problems. Lost my job, because of the medication, and was out of work for 3 months. New job, still having to be gone from home {how I hate and despise that!!}. Tried to get more help for my "illness", hard to do when gone 5 to 6 days a week. She became further and further from me emotionally and physically. Had a really hard time adjusting to my "new" mind, the meds changed much of how my mind worked. Tried for over the last three years to get her to open up and tell me how to make the marriage work, what she required or wanted, all I got was "I don't know". During this time she was going to school for Criminology, and she now has an assoc. degree. A lot of the pulling away happened during this time also. Part of her classes dealt with the DSM IV, and I asked her for advice on who I could see, or what actions I could peruse to get help. Her response was "you need to figure that out on your own", or "I don't know". I kept trying to "find out for myself", but could never find the balance between seeking out help, and earning enough to support the family.{We have been married 20 years, and have 9 children. Aug 17th would have been 21 years.} Every time I came home, the money argument would start again. Never enough to pay the bills, and she always let me know which ones were behind. The guilt I felt drove me crazy. After a time, I gave up trying to get my mind "fixed", and just soldiered on. Problems only mounted. Found out in early March that I would be laid off. Started making plans to get help. Did not bother to tell her, for I could no longer talk to her, she was totally closed off. She even went out with her sister and "friends" when I was home to take her out for our 20th anniversary. Told me she "forgot". She does that a lot any more. Laid off from my job on March 31st and on March 24th of this year she filed for divorce. I found out on March 29th. That week SUCKED! I returned "home" homeless, spent 10 days out patient in classes at local nut house, and found out the real reasons behind my illness, {Adult ADHD With Major Depression} and received different meds for the healing. I felt like the first time in my life I was "normal". Could think and act like a rational human. Problem? I could now see where she was "abusive" towards me for 15+ years. {Locking the check book in her car, grilling me every time I needed money, being nice to me so she could get big ticket items without me, treating me like a doormat when she did not need me, ridiculing me, and making jokes of me in front of "her" friends embarrassing me to no end and then telling me that she was "only kidding"} I also started questioning her as to why she wanted a divorce, when God's word does not allow it except for adultery. {Not the reason!!} She has yet to tell me anything other than "I'm just tired of it". You figure it out, I have zero clue. She has become increasingly hostile towards me, including having me arrested during church when I was legally allowed to be there. {Delaware laws are Pro-Woman, The woman is always right, and the man is guilty until proven guilty} Cops did not even ask if I was allowed to be there, just cuffed and stuffed me in front of the Church with about 30 people watching. I have since turned everything over to God, and am letting Him do His work. That brings me to the big question. I still love her, and want to grow old with her despite all of the wrongs. I never once wavered in my support of her, and stood by her when hard times fell, even when others attacked her integrity. After 21 years together, and all of the feelings, memories and emotions, just how does one let go and let them take their own path? I am now living alone, and cannot even see or talk to my children due to the legal proceedings she has caused. I am more than justified in the worlds eyes to hate her, to lash out at her, and to retaliate against her thru the courts, but I am refusing to do ANY of that. I want to show Gods Love towards her, and to follow in the path my Father God ahs for me. I just wish I could let go of the pain and hurt in my heart, for I feel that this is holding me back from Gods blessings. Sorry for making this such a large post, but I feel that the back ground info, though breif, was necassary.
