How does God see it????

[ConcreteAngel]

Hi,

I've had a set back...I've SI'd again after not doing it for a month. I'm so angry at myself and i hate myself but that just makes it all worse cos in God's eyes I'm fearfully and wonderfully made but i'm just throwing that back in His face by SI'ing....but i feel like i need to SI...I'm so scared and feel so alone...What does God think of me? It's like i know that i am being defiant to God when i do it, but it's like i just say "God is have to do this, i don't care what you say"...i hate myself for that...like i know that God doesn't want me to hurt myself but i feel like i need to. I'm frightened cos my "mum" is away and she is my main support person and i'm so scared without her...i hate myself for letting myself get close to anyone cos it just makes the hurt worse. i don't even know why i'm posting this. Does God hate me? Why can't these urges go away? I've been fighting it so hard...but i can't do it...i'm not strong enough...i'm just a horrible horrible person and i want to die. i'm so sorry...everyone else would handle stuff better than me....i'm just too pathetic. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do...please will someone help me to under me or pray or something or just anything...why can't i just trust God and lean on Him? Why do i have to keep trying to take control and all that? I'm sorry.

Luv ConcreteAngel

 

[ConcreteAngel]

I feel so scared. I feel like i'm being such a bad Christian

 

[HolyOne87]

Hi,

I've had a set back...I've SI'd again after not doing it for a month. I'm so angry at myself and i hate myself but that just makes it all worse cos in God's eyes I'm fearfully and wonderfully made but i'm just throwing that back in His face by SI'ing....but i feel like i need to SI...I'm so scared and feel so alone...What does God think of me? It's like i know that i am being defiant to God when i do it, but it's like i just say "God is have to do this, i don't care what you say"...i hate myself for that...like i know that God doesn't want me to hurt myself but i feel like i need to. I'm frightened cos my "mum" is away and she is my main support person and i'm so scared without her...i hate myself for letting myself get close to anyone cos it just makes the hurt worse. i don't even know why i'm posting this. Does God hate me? Why can't these urges go away? I've been fighting it so hard...but i can't do it...i'm not strong enough...i'm just a horrible horrible person and i want to die. i'm so sorry...everyone else would handle stuff better than me....i'm just too pathetic. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do...please will someone help me to under me or pray or something or just anything...why can't i just trust God and lean on Him? Why do i have to keep trying to take control and all that? I'm sorry.

Luv ConcreteAngel

don't be sorry. I know how hard it can be to trust God. He's always there, yet we still struggle to open up to Him and stuff. I struggle still, but in order for me to deal with it, I call that one priest that has always helped me(its like you with your mum.you have that strong bond with her..its like the bond i have with that priest i talk about)
when i klnow i cannot contact that person, i devote my mind to my rosary..Each time i get an urge, I pick up my rosary and pray a decade..if i still feel the urge, I keep praying on(decade after decade). Sometimes its hard to focus the mind one way when its pushing towards another thought. Sometimes when that happens, I meditated(by just closing my eyes, and taking nice, calming breaths).
Don't hate yourself over this though. We all have our struggles..I didnt think I would struggle when I was 8 months of cut free..and i ended up struggling a lot a few days after my 8 months of cut free. I struggled for a good month, and now im focused on not cutting again. But if I fall, I know i can overcome the thoughts because i've done it before...Thats the type of thoughts you should have.. "if i fall, i know I can conquer over the thoughts and fight them..because i know i have the power to do so, for I've done it a lot in my past".
I'm sure God doesn't think any less of you because of this. He wants you to get better though, I know that much. God will be there with you no matter what you do. He loves you very much. Nothing can take away the love God has for you.
And you don't need to hurt yourself..Maybe find things around you area to occupy your mind with..maybe take yoga classes, or help out in a soup kitchen. I know when I dont have something occupying my time, that bad thoughts come in. I know helping others can really uplift ones heart as well. It helps one feel good, knowing that they mean something to a lot of people (i know i get uplifted each time i help out around my church).
and your not a horrible person CA. We all struggle with problems in different ways. I posted something about healthier ways to deal with the struggle of SIing (alternatives to SIing). Maybe give it a look. Maybe you can find some helpful and healthier alternatives to SIing.
the urges will go away. It just takes a lot of time. Even those who have been fine for years, still struggle with an urge here and there. God doesn't hate you. he doesn't just go, "oh im going to burden this person with this". God, i believe, doesn't hate. He loves us all, and just wants us to get better. And the only way we can, is if we open up to Him completely...not just in times of need, but in good times as well.
I feel maybe you should see someone for this as well...so you have someone else, other then your mum, to talk to. So when she isnt around, you have the other person to go to as well.

I hope my long post helped, even if it was only a little.
if you ever want to talk, PM me. I am on this forum pretty much everyday.

I will be praying for you CA

 

[Finn88]

Hey CA!
thankx for sharing! I totally identify with you...except instead of hating myself for it, i get really apathetic! I feel like, I've fallen away in one aspect of my faith, so why bother with anything else! (which, really is just as unhealthy as hating myself)
Those are wise words from Holy one! thank you for that

love and prayers,
Finnxxxx

 

[ConcreteAngel]

Hey CA!
thankx for sharing! I totally identify with you...except instead of hating myself for it, i get really apathetic! I feel like, I've fallen away in one aspect of my faith, so why bother with anything else! (which, really is just as unhealthy as hating myself)
Those are wise words from Holy one! thank you for that

love and prayers,
Finnxxxx

Thanks hun! hmmm...i understand the apathetic part...i hate myself and get like that!...love and prayers CA

 

[brea]

Hi,

I've had a set back...I've SI'd again after not doing it for a month. I'm so angry at myself and i hate myself but that just makes it all worse cos in God's eyes I'm fearfully and wonderfully made but i'm just throwing that back in His face by SI'ing....but i feel like i need to SI...I'm so scared and feel so alone...What does God think of me? It's like i know that i am being defiant to God when i do it, but it's like i just say "God is have to do this, i don't care what you say"...i hate myself for that...like i know that God doesn't want me to hurt myself but i feel like i need to. I'm frightened cos my "mum" is away and she is my main support person and i'm so scared without her...i hate myself for letting myself get close to anyone cos it just makes the hurt worse. i don't even know why i'm posting this. Does God hate me? Why can't these urges go away? I've been fighting it so hard...but i can't do it...i'm not strong enough...i'm just a horrible horrible person and i want to die. i'm so sorry...everyone else would handle stuff better than me....i'm just too pathetic. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do...please will someone help me to under me or pray or something or just anything...why can't i just trust God and lean on Him? Why do i have to keep trying to take control and all that? I'm sorry.

Luv ConcreteAngel

If you were a parent, and your child was struggling with SI, what would be your feeling toward them? Would you think "I carried you for nine months and have taken care of you; you're just spitting in my face when you injure yourself."

No way! You'd realize that your child's SI has nothing to do with you, and you'd be concerned for them out of love and want to help them. As the Bible says "If you, being evil, can give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts?"

I think that God sees you as His child who is hurting and it makes Him sad, like it would make any parent sad. I don't think it's a "sad because I was betrayed" but a "sad because a person I love is hurting", kwim?

It really does no good to get hung up on viewing SI as a sin, in my opinion. SI is a reflection/outgrowth of a greater problem and you will be distracted from that problem by focusing all your energies on eradicating SI. Are you in counseling now?

Try to not listen to churchy people who don't understand and say things like "you are violating God's temple." You are MUCH MORE than a 'temple' to God; you are His beloved child, and he would not stand there, looking at your pain, and accuse and condemn you(it's very telling that 'Satan' means accuser).

I hope that helped some, please PM me if you ever need to talk or anything. Hugs and prayers

 

[ConcreteAngel]

If you were a parent, and your child was struggling with SI, what would be your feeling toward them? Would you think "I carried you for nine months and have taken care of you; you're just spitting in my face when you injure yourself."

No way! You'd realize that your child's SI has nothing to do with you, and you'd be concerned for them out of love and want to help them. As the Bible says "If you, being evil, can give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts?"

I think that God sees you as His child who is hurting and it makes Him sad, like it would make any parent sad. I don't think it's a "sad because I was betrayed" but a "sad because a person I love is hurting", kwim?

It really does no good to get hung up on viewing SI as a sin, in my opinion. SI is a reflection/outgrowth of a greater problem and you will be distracted from that problem by focusing all your energies on eradicating SI. Are you in counseling now?

Try to not listen to churchy people who don't understand and say things like "you are violating God's temple." You are MUCH MORE than a 'temple' to God; you are His beloved child, and he would not stand there, looking at your pain, and accuse and condemn you(it's very telling that 'Satan' means accuser).

I hope that helped some, please PM me if you ever need to talk or anything. Hugs and prayers

Hey Brea

Thanks so much...what you say makes sense....i just feel so horrible about it...i don't want to do it, but it just gets too much to bare. My concern is that if i don't view SI behaviour as a sin, then was is there to stop me from doing it?...that's probably a stupid question, but i'm not thinking very well at the moment. Thanks again...luv CA

 

[brea]

Hey Brea

Thanks so much...what you say makes sense....i just feel so horrible about it...i don't want to do it, but it just gets too much to bare. My concern is that if i don't view SI behaviour as a sin, then was is there to stop me from doing it?...that's probably a stupid question, but i'm not thinking very well at the moment. Thanks again...luv CA

It's not a stupid question at all. I think that many Christians have this view- "I need to view my bad habit/harmful behavior as a sin so that I feel shameful enough about it to stop."

The thing is, change based on shame is short lived. Sometimes your desire for the behavior becomes greater than the shame, so you end up choosing the behavior. Clearly, that's not a long-term solution, and you feeling shameful about yourself will only perpetuate your desire for SI.

I think the real way for you to stop SI is to get healing for the *actual reasons* that you SI. SI is not the disease, it is a symptom. Healing will be a *much* greater impetus for change than shame will ever be. You'll stop or greatly reduce the desire for SI, instead of just trying to resist really strong desires.

Many people will encourage you to view the world as very black and white- X is a sin, and Z is not a sin. If X is sin, you must absolutley stop doing it, no question. But I think those of us with mental illness know that the world has many more gray areas than that. Many people would rather put everything (and, in fact, God) in a box so that they can understand Him/life better, but it just doesn't work like that.

Personally, I don't think "I will absolutley not SI anymore! I have gone X amount of days without it- victory!"
My SI or lack thereof is not a sign or victory or defeat. There have been times when I am really in a lot of pain psychologically or not in a good place, and I don't SI, and times when I'm doing better, but I still SI. Now, my measure of victory or defeat is my thought patterns and outlooks "are they healthy? have I learned a lot? are my ways of thinking in line with what God wants them to be? do I desire healthy things?" etc. And when I do feel those things- that I am healthier- my desire for SI is naturally lessened, and the amount of desire I still do feel is much easier to deal with/deny.

I always say "the most lasting changes are the slowest ones"; it's frustrating to not have a quick-fix, but quick fixes usually don't stand up to the test of time.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

It's not a stupid question at all. I think that many Christians have this view- "I need to view my bad habit/harmful behavior as a sin so that I feel shameful enough about it to stop."

The thing is, change based on shame is short lived. Sometimes your desire for the behavior becomes greater than the shame, so you end up choosing the behavior. Clearly, that's not a long-term solution, and you feeling shameful about yourself will only perpetuate your desire for SI.

I think the real way for you to stop SI is to get healing for the *actual reasons* that you SI. SI is not the disease, it is a symptom. Healing will be a *much* greater impetus for change than shame will ever be. You'll stop or greatly reduce the desire for SI, instead of just trying to resist really strong desires.

Many people will encourage you to view the world as very black and white- X is a sin, and Z is not a sin. If X is sin, you must absolutley stop doing it, no question. But I think those of us with mental illness know that the world has many more gray areas than that. Many people would rather put everything (and, in fact, God) in a box so that they can understand Him/life better, but it just doesn't work like that.

Personally, I don't think "I will absolutley not SI anymore! I have gone X amount of days without it- victory!"
My SI or lack thereof is not a sign or victory or defeat. There have been times when I am really in a lot of pain psychologically or not in a good place, and I don't SI, and times when I'm doing better, but I still SI. Now, my measure of victory or defeat is my thought patterns and outlooks "are they healthy? have I learned a lot? are my ways of thinking in line with what God wants them to be? do I desire healthy things?" etc. And when I do feel those things- that I am healthier- my desire for SI is naturally lessened, and the amount of desire I still do feel is much easier to deal with/deny.

I always say "the most lasting changes are the slowest ones"; it's frustrating to not have a quick-fix, but quick fixes usually don't stand up to the test of time.

Thanks heaps brea....i've pm'd you.....makes sense!

luv CA