Hello again walkingdead.
I can relate to you very well in your struggle with awareness of what you are doing and your sins. I was a christian for 7 years, was growing in the Lord, and even graduated Bible college with an Associate of Theology... yet I began to struggle greatly in recognizing the Holy Spirit, became paranoid and withdrew from church life, left my job, and even lost my home... for 1 1/2 years I lived in a hotel room, using up all my resources, avoiding human contact, and quickly loosing my faith. I was depressed, demon oppressed, and delusional. In the depths of my despair I went so far as to tell God; "If this is salvation, I don't want it!". To my everlasting shame, in my heart I renounced my salvation in Jesus. I became addicted to porn, and did nothing else but watch TV, play video games, and watch internet porn for over 6 months. Many times I contemplated suicide, and came very close to attempting it a couple times.
Yet God sent my parents to seek me out. With their urging I got psychiatric help, got a job, and began to live again. Slowly, the fog of depression lifted, yet the delusions and demonic attacks remained. Gradually, as an OTR truck driver, God began reaching out to me, drawing me back to Him; and slowly my faith returned. Yet now I had a huge hurdle to overcome that the enemy threw in my face evey time I tried to pray. I had renounced my salvation, and Satan wanted me to think I had commited blasphemy ofthe Holy Spirit as was lost forever. Still, the Holy Spirit reached out to me, and my faith became stronger and stronger again... until I overcame that hurdle, repented of my shamefull behavior and my rejection of Him, and pleaded for forgiveness in Jesus' name. Of course God responded to a broken and contrite spirit (Psalms 51:17), and I truly believe He has restored me to fellowship with Him. Everything isn't perfect; I still struggle with demonic attacks on my mind, and I still struggle with discerning what is soul and what is Spirit, and what is of man and what is of God or demonic-- yet God is with me, He carries and sustains me through it all.
I share this because I believe you are under attack from the enemy, and God is allowing all this to test your faith in Him... don't let the enemy have victory, even the temporary one he had over me. Confess your sinfulness to the Lord, and He is faithfull and just to forgive you, and cleanse you of all unrighteousness (1John 1:9). A pastor/teacher I cannot remember the name of right now once said; "The path to holiness is paved with a sense of our own wretchedness". Solomon lamented "with much wisdom comes much sorrow of heart" (Ecclesiastes 1:18). I urge you to prayerfully put on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18), stand firm against the enemy of your soul by trusting Jesus fully.
I urge you to contemplate that passage in light of your awareness... is this not coming into the light? Do not shrink back! Accept the fact that you are a sinfull man, confess your sins to God in prayer, repent from them as best you can, and allow the blood of Jesus to cleanse you from all unrighteousness, for He is faithfull and just to do so. If you are not in fellowship with other Christians, I strongly urge you to seek out a Bible preaching, Bible believing, Holy Spirit filled church in your area. It may take weeks to find one that the Lord gives you a peace about, but His desire is that we experience the Christian life in community with other believers (Hebrews 10:25).
Suming it up, as Winston Churchill famously said (my paraphrase):
"Don't give up. Never... ever, EVER give up!"
God bless you, walkingdead... I hope this tesimony and encouragement helps you, and I'm sorry it is such a long post.
Mike
