How do you rid yourself of negative thoughts?

[Nette83]

Hello everyone, I am currently going through the process of a legal separation from my husband...this was his decision, not mine. My husband filed for this legal separation for supposed financial reasons (even though my credit is better than his and I've maintained a job the entire marriage; he was unemployed for over 2 years) because before I married him I cosigned on a mortgage that I have not yet gotten off. I don't really need anyone to tell me how unwise I was for doing this, but the thing is that my husband knew when I did it, and yet he still married me and now this is the reason he wants to be separated (even though my credit is better than his). My husband defaulted on a few loans...I just have a higher debt to income ratio than I want. I find myself struggling a lot during this time as I start to have thoughts such as:

"Was I really that bad of a wife?"
"Why doesn't he want me?"
"Will anyone ever want me again?"

And so on. I feel worthless and I will get myself off the mortgage, but I am starting to wonder if I want to reconcile with my controlling husband. He will not give or bend on any issue...it has to be his way or no way and I'm paying the price for having married him without knowing he wouldn't treat me as an adult. How do you rid yourself of negative thoughts such as these? I am praying and fasting but I am still struggling on this one issue. Any advice is welcome. Thanks!

 

[bethrow]

He wants to be separated for financial reasons? Wow. He's not even thinking about the marriage at all. I can't give you advice for the financial things, but as far as the negative thoughts. The enemy is constantly putting deceitful lies into your head making you feel as if your marriage breakdown is your fault. It isn't. You are worthy of love. Your husband was controlling and that is abuse. I would seek legal counseling so that you know your rights and if I were you I'd get my money some place where he can't touch it. At this point he is only thinking of money.
Sorry, but is legal separation the same as divorce?
Take care of yourself. Ask God to stand between you and the enemy and fill your head with positive thoughts about yourself and strength to stand up to your husband's controlling behavior.

 

[foundthecure]

All i could do was emersemyself in hobbies, friends & new activities.
I lost 60lbs, started working out & moved to a new town.

The chance at a new life is what kept me going.

I also had bad thoughts, but you haveto realise it was his decision & you did what you could.
I had to keep reminding myself that I was anways faithful and I'm only human.. but I was a good husband.


look to the future & new possibilities.

 

[Nette83]

Legal separation in the state I live is same as divorce without the title. I wish he'd just divorce me because I hate the way he treats me. I wish I could do more, but I do have a 2 year old child. I think it might hurt more because I have a son and I've been raising him as a single mother because I've had very little consistent help from my husband in anything. I'm also a full time phd student at a crucial stage in my program and I can't even concentrate on doing that. I'm trying to will myself to not give up and i'm crying a lot, but i'm reminding myself of Psalm 30:5 weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

My colleagues do not know what i'm going through, my close friend does and I just told my other friend and she does not believe me. My family also knows but they're far away and they can't do anything without wanting to hurt him, so they stay away. I'll keep praying and fasting and stand tall in court Wednesday and once that is over I think I'll be better just knowing one part is over. Thanks for your replies.

 

[savedbygracebre]

Separation is hard. I'm the Christian husband and the stbx(soon to be ex) is not one. She fights with abuse and foul immoral language, yet that is not an option for me. It gets hard sometimes and the negative thoughts do start mounting up.
I find a few good songs will help lift me to the place I need to be in. They ease my mind. One of my favorites is Matt Redman(10,000 reasons bless the Lord).
Reading scripture(once my mind is relaxed also helps).

 

[arapo926]

I agree with savedbygrace Worship music is a great mind shifter. I have found that hiding scripture in your heart by way of memorization and study is really a great tool for stopping negative thinking and transforming our minds. Pray for the renewal of your mind. Find scripture that proves your thoughts untrue and repeat it over and over until you believe it. You seem to be focusing more so on your husband and how he feels towards you as well as If there will be anyone else out there to want you. You must embark during this time on a journey to find your worth in God alone. God wants you so it shouldn't really matter if anyone else does. That might sound crazy - I remember thinking ya but I want a man to want me, it's different and better. But since I got to the point where I have a real relationship with God I can actually say it really doesn't matter if my husband wants me. It might sting if he doesn't but no big deal. God makes all things work together for my good (there's one of those scriptures). As far as looking towards new possibilities I wouldn't go there just yet. You still have a husband. You need to be praying for that reconciliation. God is for your marriage. He is for the restoration of husband-and-wife. Pray for your husbands transformation pray for your own transformation. Continue to pray for your marriage. Try not to look at the circumstances but see what God could have for the both of you together. Really come to understand if God's will for your life really is separation/divorce. You may see your situation is hopeless but through God all things are possible. Take a look at the book of Hosea.

 

[Nette83]

Thank you for your replies and for reminding me that praise/worship through music used to be my go to way to destress and keep my mind on Christ. I've gotten away from that and I realize that I do need to get back to that. I seem to have lost track of who I am, which isn't good. We went to court on the 8th, I kept myself encouraged by repeating scripture and praying. Things went well enough, but I do see that my husband is intent on doing what he is doing. He added yet another lie to the reason pile: we're too different.

I have not been looking to move forward, I have been praying in earnest for my marriage and husband. It is not easy especially since this man thinks he is right even though there is no biblical backing for his "reasons" for wanting to separate. I realize that I do have to do better in regards to my prayers for him. I now have to focus on myself, but its difficult when having a 2 year old that I care for primarily (no amount of joint placement will ever even this out). I'm now more at ease and peace, but now my husband's immaturity has reared its head again to try and drive me out on my own, since the courts did not rule in his favor. I'm going to stay in God's word, I'm going to stay prayerful and fast, I'm going to encourage myself more and realize that God has it all in his hands. I also have to focus on my son and school work since I have that too.

I know it won't be easy especially since my husband is the way he is. I keep expecting him to be different, but a change hasn't happened yet. So I have to learn to focus on myself, ignore him as much as I can and pray God's will be done.

 

[Angie65]

Dear Nette83, This will be a long note, hold on! I don't have any real answers for you, but would like to selfishly share my story - for my own therapeutic reasons. My divorce was final almost 8 months ago. I'm 47, shared custody of a 4.5 - year -old boy. We were married only 4.5 yrs before separating. He is an Iraqi Muslim, I met him in Baghdad and asked him to marry me. He said he would only marry me if I converted to Islam. Like an idiot, I thought that was no big deal, and did! I was not religious before that, really. Quite a story after that. We waited, apart, for 2 yrs before he finally got his visa. He flew here, I was in the Army in the Pentagon (you'd think I'd be a stronger woman, right?), we married in Feb 2007, and had our son in Aug 2008. Just a few months into our marriage, I announced that I would no longer follow Islam, because I disagreed with some of the basic tenets. Funny how our marriage started to disintegrate that day. He is conservative, I'm not. He threatened to divorce me if I ever had wine in front of him. No pork, no booze, conservative dress (no shorts!!), the list goes on and on and on. I lived under this guy's thumb/foot. YET: I financially supported this guy since Day 1! I put him thru nursing school. Now he's a successful RN. ALL of his friends here are Iraqis. He put me about #5 on his list of priorities during our marriage. Embarrassingly, during several heated arguments, he got physical. All because I wouldn't "act" the way he wanted me to act - Iraqi, conservative, Islamic. I finally had enough of his criticism (he called me a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] one day when I wore a summer skirt!!!). I am a very, very good woman, but he insisted on trying to make me feel guilty and shameful - for what? I now know that this is all due to his Arab insecure mindset. My therapist last summer told me it's normal to go thru this process of healing from all the pain he caused me. I'm just so sad and lonely now, because I don't have my son fulltime anymore, and my ex will teach him ways.....! I'm sad about losing my marriage and the dreams with it. I'm hurt that he never made an effort to reconcile (I filed, etc - he just accepted the whole divorce process). I'm embarrassed that I fell for him in the first place and let this happen to me. I'm afraid I'll never be loved in the right way by a good man again. I fear loneliness. I envy my ex's ability to walk around life just happy as a clam now, with his Iraqi friends, family, and nursing career. All he can say to me now is that he appreciates all I did for him, and that I'm a good mom! He made a weak attempt at an apology once or twice, but WEAK. The man honestly doesn't think he did anything wrong! Yet here I am, obsessed with thoughts of him: negative ones. I wake up, he's on my mind. I'm at work, I think of him. Night time, there he is again on my mind. Why can't I shake him? Sharing a child makes it nearly impossible - but I can't seem to get unstuck, and move on - part of me even wishes we would get back together some day! Is that sick or what? After the abuse? I know. Low self esteem playing here. It just makes me sick that I'm so alone and lonely now, and he's living it up without me. It's not fair. I went to a new church yesterday with my son (I had to move to get a job after military retirement -- same week as my divorce last fall!! Quite a crappy year). I met many of these folks at small group events, but this was my first Sunday service. The pastor gave a great Mother's Day sermon- I cried!! But you know what? After the service, NO ONE approached me to talk, NOTHING. I just picked up my son from Sunday school and left -- why are Christians like this? Why are family and friends like this? Why do so many of us who are going thru divorce recovery get rebuffed, and end up trying to suffer the pain and anguish all alone like this? Where is the desperately-needed support??? I cry myself to sleep weekly, just because I'm so alone. Where is everyone? I just want to make new friends and get on with my life without my ex husband, but our society seems too busy? What is it with our culture? I envy my ex, being Iraqi--they are very social. I miss this a great deal...Sorry, I'm just in so much pain here. I even feel my blood pressure rising lately, remembering the ex's abuse against me. Why can't I just shake this off for once??? I'm tired of being tired, lonely, depressed, hurt, and angry. I want to live, to be free, to be happy, but share life with people, not by myself. Drives me crazy...I thought I could be friends with my ex, but I keep slipping back into memories of his abuse, and I can't look at him without disdain and horror. Yet he walks around with all these friends who idolize the guy like he's a god, and can do no wrong! I think they all believe I'm the crazy one, but I was the one who was mistreated! What is up with that??? Now we are battling religion with our son. I'm taking him to church, ex wants him to be Muslim. EVERYTHING that we argue about traces back to either our religious or cultural differences. EVERYTHING. And he has an excuse for everything, too--and it's never his fault. There's always an excuse. Narcissist? Sorry - this fast typing is therapeutic for me. I'm just tired of hurting and crying. I pray and pray and pray, but don't know why I still feel so far from God. I'm so tired...Then I feel guilty, because I often hope that something bad will happen to him (but NOT to my son), so he'll pay for what he did to me. And I know that's awful!!!

 

[Nette83]

Angie65, I am very sorry to hear your story. I know how it feels to want support from others and then they not live up to it. I don't really know many people at the church I attend, my husband works for the church as well so that's a difficult situation for me. I've also had thoughts wishing something will happen to him, but that's wrong so I immediately rebuke it. Some advice i've repeatedly been given is to get closer to God during this time. At times it seems too hard and it'd be better to give up, but I've realized that I am the only person I can control. Put your ex in God's hands...he'll work things out for you.

 

[Angie65]

Thanks for writing back! I know you are right. So many questions, though. Why is it, that I feel like I'm going thru "hell" with this transition (divorce, moving, new job, trying to make new friends, on and on), feeling lonely, missing my marriage (not HIM specifically), and the ex, who truly abused me in every way, is living such a happy life now? It just never seems fair. I always wonder why I seem to be tested over and over and over again. I feel like if I do ANYTHING remotely wrong, I will be severely punished by God. That's a terrible way to think and live! I know that my ex is sitting there thinking, "Well, some day, she will finally figure out that my religion - Islam - IS the right way, that's why she is suffering and I am not - and my Iraqi culture is superior - this is why I am happier than she is." I KNOW he feels this way. He has a superior attitude, already. I wish I could just take a happy pill and make the negativity go away for good! Lately, I imagine that he's got a new girlfriend or even fiancee, and that helps me - makes me not want to bug him with emotional emails anymore, etc. Yes, I still do that...! And he either gets a little defensive, or just ignores me. So he has moved on, big time. Why can't I??? I feel like he owes me so much for everything I did for him, and gave to him since Feb 2005. Seriously. But you're right: I really need to put this behind me, look forward, and keep working as hard as I can on my faith in God. Maybe because I didn't really grow up knowing how to have faith, that's why at 47, this is especially hard for me, because it's somewhat new? I just know it's very hard. But yes, I notice that when I do finally get on my knees at night and sincerely pray, I feel a sense of peace, relief, calmness. I just need to do that every single day, morning and night (like Muslims that pray 5 times a day - there's a good reason for that -- you never forget about God! Gotta give them that.). I do pray for the ex, too. Evidently, it's working! haha! He's having a great life now! Take care, and I'd love to hear from you again! -Angie

 

[Nette83]

You know what, he may actually be thinking that your suffering is because you do not follow Islam. I used to have many discussions with various men who followed Islam and always concluded that we just couldn't be because there was no way I was going to convert and I know they were not going to convert for me. As for moving on...I think most times it is harder for women to move on. We put so much time and effort into the spouse only to not have it returned. Those feelings of wanting to be recompensed for all you've done during the marriage and for the spouse is pretty normal (I think), I know that I am feeling the same way right now.

Life does not seem fair at times, but it does get better. It may never be perfect, but perhaps sometimes it just requires changing our outlook on things. I'm going through a lot myself...it does feel like hell for me because I am living with my husband as we go through this process. The judge ruled that I did not have to leave the home during this preliminary process and urged us to work it out. Well, I'm doing everything I need and should be doing, but my husband makes me feel horribly. I think this would be considered emotional/verbal abuse. I feel like i'm walking on eggshells sometimes as he is very inflexible and has unrealistic expectations from me even though he does not wish to be married to me. I'm miserable and no one knows what i'm going through. I wonder all the time what I did to deserve being treated like this. I know i'm a good woman, a good wife, mother, etc. I have never felt so low as I do now. The longer this situation continues the more depression tries to come upon me. Pray for me as I pray for you.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't know a complete answer .. but it seems to me that your picturing that his life is just as good if not better since you left him. I really really doubt that that is true. Since he isn't telling you what is going on inside, your reading the few good things he has in his life as if that makes everything OK. But I don't think Islam gives peace in their hearts. He knows at some level that he lost a woman who was doing a lot for him, while he can't show it to anyone, he knows. I read this over and over that Islam has a culture that people have to live up to. Its much tougher for women, but also men have some things they have to do, that aren't that fun either. So this is one thing to do, don't think he now has a bed of roses.

 

[Angie65]

Hi, Thanks for writing, Nette 83 and dayhiker. Recently the ex told me his "excuse" for being the way he is, is not all about his religion, but his culture is "much stronger than religion!" So now he claims that because he's Iraqi, this gives him carte blanche to act the way he does (he was abusive, too, in every way possible). I give up on trying to analyze and figure him out. We rarely speak now. I'm sad these days because he won't let our son come to northern VA to live with me (I had to move to get a job), because he fears "losing his 'influence' on his son" -- meaning, his Iraqi and Muslim influence. He also doesn't like that I'm now Christian, so he wants to minimize my son's exposure to that. With our current written custody agreement, I can't do anything about this until spring 2014, when my son is supposed to move back in with me up here, granting ex liberal visitation. Not sure the ex really understands that modification that he signed in March - but I'm just going to stay silent and hold on until next spring. I drive down there (2-3 hours one way) almost every weekend to spend time with my mother and my son. Very sad, because my son used to live primarily with me, before I retired from the Army and had to move to DC to get a job. So chaotic. Now, my mom and my ex are simply babysitting my son, not really raising him! Son bounces between their two homes constantly. It's sad. Ex refuses to give son to me early (before spring 2014), which would be best interest of the child, since I can now provide him with a stable, routine home environment, and one bedroom to call his own 7 days a week -- they aren't providing that -- and I'd provide the necessary discipline, boundaries, and parenting -- not babysitting and "buddying" like they are -- but ex is so wrapped up in his own selfish feelings, he can't see outside of them -- what our son really NEEDS. I'm so sad and frustrated, and feeling sorry for my own child. Lawyer said I can only ensure the ex abides by agreement terms, so my mom and I are documenting every little thing.
Nette83: Are you guys in fact not starting the legal process of separation? It sadly sounds like your husband is not interested in working on your marriage! Why are so many people like that--treating marriage so flippantly? And with kids involved, too? If he's this stubborn and unwilling to change/compromise/get help/work on the marriage, you guys probably don't have much choice but to file for separation/divorce. I tried soooo hard to make my marriage work, but I could only take so much criticism and abuse from this guy, so I finally asked him to move out, and I found a lawyer. I pray and pray for you This is all so hard, I know. Please don't allow him to treat you like this for any longer! Protect yourself and your child, please. You don't deserve this.

 

[Nette83]

Angie65, we have temporary orders in place now, we go back in August for the finalization of the legal separation process. My husband has no desire to work on our marriage, he thinks his only option is to leave (I just wonder why he hasn't left yet). At this point I am so ready to let things just happen. I am tired of all of his negativity and it's really getting to me. I don't get any parental support unless its something negative that he has to say in regards to something i'm doing (or not doing) with our son. He doesn't do much of anything. He has gotten so lazy and complacent in his attitude. I don't have the finances to move out, but his parents live in our downstairs flat so he could just stay there, I wish he would.

It's really hard to deal with men who think they are our "rewards" when the bible says, "when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing." Not when a woman finds a husband...but, I know who and what I am...everything my husband will miss out on because he's too blind to know what he has in front of him. I am so sorry to hear about your custody situation, I know that has to be hard. I really want to take my son far from my husband especially since he doesn't participate in parenting very much. Everything will work out okay and I know you don't want your husband to have too much influence in regards to your son, but sometimes I think its okay for children to have differing perspectives, that way they will be able to decipher the truth (not just his dad's truth). I hope I make sense. Pray for me as I pray for you.

 

[episkopos]

It's probably too late, but since the divorce process is on-going, healing the marriage is a way out. I certainly do not know how healthy the marriage was how much effort has been made to save it. But I believe we shouldn't give the devil a free pass in and out our marriages; in this case giving in to a divorce, reasons of which are not clearly understood [from what I understand].
In the institution of marriage ,God being the author, there should be love that suffereth long because there will always be difficulties. "Should" because, although love is how you feel about someone, there is a voluntary part to it.

This type of love has to be a conscious decision. You walk in love because the Word of God commands you to love your spouse.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Colossians 3:19
The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness ...That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
Titus 2:3-4

Excerpt From: Dag Heward-Mills. “Model Marriage.” Dag Heward-Mills,iBooks.[bless and do not curse]
This material may be protected by copyright.
This does not merely involve accepting [bless and do not curse]one's spouse for who they are, but making effective contributions into their lives through prayer, communication, etc in humility especially since whatever trait that seems to be a problem in the marriage was there before the marriage . That's the whole point of being one in marriage - complementing each other. This way, we can honour the covenants made before God.

 

[olds8598]

Nette83,

I highly recommend The Businessman's Topical Bible by Honor Books. Don't let the title fool you. It's not just for the businessman. It has Scriptures for different situations like Needing Strength, Wisdom, Deliverance, or Having Bad Memories of the Past. One of my favorites for my current circumstance (grieving over an unwanted divorce) is Psalm 147:3, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Highlight the verses that "speak" to you or you feel are applicable to you and your scenario. Read them, and read them, over and over. I have found this to help not only the situation but it deepens my faith and relationship with God.

I would also recommend getting a book on Psalm 91. I have the military edition and it also helps me in my post-divorce woes and other woes. Psalm 91:5, Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. The terrors and arrows are anything that hurts us physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

I also echo foundthecure’s post, especially emersing yourself in hobbies and friends. Rent favorites movies (not related to your marriage). Go to a comedy club—get a laugh. Do something job-related or start an online business. Distraction and doing other things not pertaining to the marriage scenario are good. If you feel the need, see a therapist. Make sure it is one you feel comfortable with; this is very important. Most of all, lean on God. He wants you to. His shoulders and love are big enough for the task.

God bless.

 

[olds8598]

Nette83,

I just thought of something else. Write down all your good points, traits, deeds, etc. that you brought/did/etc. in the marriage on a piece of paper. Review them and remind yourself of the good you brought to the union. It helped me in terms of work.

I did this because of my job. It is a very negative atmosphere full of power egos, intimidation, back-stabbing, lies, and talking behind backs. In January I am going to look for a new job in an old industry of mine. Here is an email I sent a friend about what I did.

I just had to share with the wonderful and successful brain-storming session I had for skills and achievements to apply to my resume and my targeted job search!

I got a piece of paper and wrote on the top "What do I bring to the company?" My initial goal was just to put pen to paper, and write all professional/job-related items--just brain storm. Next I filtered out the ones not relatable to my intended new career. From the remainders I will "add flesh to bone" by providing detailed, dated examples of each one. I came away with ten relatable skills/attributes!

Not only was this good in terms of resume and interview preparation, it was a great confidence booster. I recalled some valuable traits, and seeing on paper these traits--written by me--sent my confidence soaring to the moon and reaffirming my belief I will bring value and benefit to my new employer.

Hope this helps!

This impending career-change for me is a great distraction to the marital grieving. I am turning the negativity of my current work into something positive. I have bought books and been online about resume writing, interview prep, and reacquainting myself with my old career. I get so happy and focused when I am doing all these things! I can't wait for the new year. Granted I am grieving over and healing from this terrible situation. I will find someone new when I am ready. In the meantime, I am so excited about my career future!

 

[Nette83]

I guess now would be a good time for an update. We went in to court in August, but it turned out we had two court dates that day and ended up cancelling the second which would have finalized the separation, but that one is now in November and I also have been ordered by the court to move out by the 1st of November. Although I still struggle with negative thoughts I find myself returning more to myself. I find myself smiling more, laughing more and just taking things one day at a time although my husband wants to dump everything on me everyday no matter what I say.

I will definitely take some of the advice given here, I have written down all of the positive things that have happened in the marriage and I've also gone through the things that made me fall in love and ultimately marry my husband. The only thing is that no matter what I do, it does not seem to influence my husband in a positive way. All he has for me is hanging on to any anger and resentment; he has turned himself into the victim here although i'm sure I've been victimized more.

I do realize that although I'm returning to myself that I need to keep God a part of the equation. I will find that book and start the bible study on it. I have really needed bible studies, but I need support where I am, it would be really nice to have people where I am to discuss it with and I pray the Lord opens a door for that to happen as well.

 

[olds8598]

I find myself smiling more, laughing more and just taking things one day at a time This is good.

The only thing is that no matter what I do, it does not seem to influence my husband in a positive way. The purpose of the writing the positive things you brought to the marriage is for you, not him. You have to be reminded of the good and positive about yourself in the situation to rebuild your confidence and self-esteen. You writing it down is the result of you thinking positively about yourself and reminding yourself of your good as a partner and person.

I do realize that although I'm returning to myself that I need to keep God a part of the equation. Definitely keep Him in the loop, especially for support and love.

it would be really nice to have people where I am to discuss it with and I pray the Lord opens a door for that to happen as well. I agree. Having people local who are going through the same thing is a good thing. Perhaps google marriage/divorce support groups in your area. Sometimes there are group therapy sessions/support offered by a therapist or church.

[[Hugs]]

 

[Nette83]

I have to admit that as things progress I am finding myself really coming to despise my husband. He is constantly doing things to disrespect me (not that he ever had respect for me in the first place) but it's really bad now. I view myself more positively because I know who I am in Christ, but it still hurts everyday that I have to be around him and his negativity. I move out soon but I can't afford it and he knows it...but I have to fake it until I make it. Pray for me. Thank you.