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How Do you Know
- Thread starter Ronan
- Start date
Having been married, and divorced once, I have a certain opinion, not necessarily that of a burned person.
I think GOD ususally wants YOU to choose, in fact almost always lets you choose. However, if you are smart you would do well to ask God to HELP you pick the right person.
Another thing, if I were to do it over again I would first go to a Christian Psychologist and pay him/her to examine me over a period of a year and help me get a lot of issues straightened out. Without being psycho we can all benefit from some serious psychological analysis. Really, 98% have some kind of imbalance, like a mild disorder, or what's called distorted thinking, that we would do well not to foist onto our perspective spouse. Also my psych said (while in post marriage counseling) that most of us mistakenly let our 'wounded' parts choose the other person.
I would even go so far as to say it would be better to have some trusted mature adult christian friends of yours help you pick the right spouse for you. I really believe it is more important to be compatible.
In my case I waited unitil I was finanicially ready, and mature enough to look for a nominally Christian girl, but it was so called called 'romantic' love that took control, and I was gone like a mad dog.
Don't forget to look for the beauty IN her heart. Meditate on that.
--desp
I think GOD ususally wants YOU to choose, in fact almost always lets you choose. However, if you are smart you would do well to ask God to HELP you pick the right person.
Another thing, if I were to do it over again I would first go to a Christian Psychologist and pay him/her to examine me over a period of a year and help me get a lot of issues straightened out. Without being psycho we can all benefit from some serious psychological analysis. Really, 98% have some kind of imbalance, like a mild disorder, or what's called distorted thinking, that we would do well not to foist onto our perspective spouse. Also my psych said (while in post marriage counseling) that most of us mistakenly let our 'wounded' parts choose the other person.
I would even go so far as to say it would be better to have some trusted mature adult christian friends of yours help you pick the right spouse for you. I really believe it is more important to be compatible.
In my case I waited unitil I was finanicially ready, and mature enough to look for a nominally Christian girl, but it was so called called 'romantic' love that took control, and I was gone like a mad dog.
Don't forget to look for the beauty IN her heart. Meditate on that.
--desp
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I was trying to find you the thread we did about this a few weeks ago....no luck though.
Here's my thoughts.......I think if you have to ask "How Do I Know?" then it's not the right person or right timing perhaps. It's such a cliche statement but I really DO think you just 'know when you know'. Here's the catch though.......I think you have to spend AT LEAST a year with the person. Then, if at THAT time you are certain of your love and you don't feel you have to question things- go for it.
I imagine this kind of love.......(the kind you don't have to question).....as secure, comfortable, passionate, free, enduring, intangible, patient, understanding, filled with laughter, kind..........just utterly satisfying. A true replica of what we'll feel when we are brought home to our Lord in heaven.
I love love.
Here's my thoughts.......I think if you have to ask "How Do I Know?" then it's not the right person or right timing perhaps. It's such a cliche statement but I really DO think you just 'know when you know'. Here's the catch though.......I think you have to spend AT LEAST a year with the person. Then, if at THAT time you are certain of your love and you don't feel you have to question things- go for it.
I imagine this kind of love.......(the kind you don't have to question).....as secure, comfortable, passionate, free, enduring, intangible, patient, understanding, filled with laughter, kind..........just utterly satisfying. A true replica of what we'll feel when we are brought home to our Lord in heaven.
I love love.
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I believe God will give you both peace .And you will be confident that it's a good thing. If not then something is wrong. Don't be in a hurry. 
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ukok
Freaked out, insecure, neurotic and Emotional
When i lived for me i did what i wanted to do, got involved with who i wanted to get involved with, and i made a lot of mistakes.
I have since learned to really listen to God, to not rush things. This is the longest that i have ever been single, but it isn't because i haven't been asked out, it's because i am leaving things up to God this time, i'm putting my life entirely in His hands concerning future relationships. I used to think that when someone came along, it was because God wanted me to be with them, but that was totally illogical thinking on my part.
I know that if He wants me to be with someone now, then I will know, just as i know right now, because I am getting so much out of being single, that this is how He wants me to be at the present time.
I suggest lot's of prayer.
I have since learned to really listen to God, to not rush things. This is the longest that i have ever been single, but it isn't because i haven't been asked out, it's because i am leaving things up to God this time, i'm putting my life entirely in His hands concerning future relationships. I used to think that when someone came along, it was because God wanted me to be with them, but that was totally illogical thinking on my part.
I know that if He wants me to be with someone now, then I will know, just as i know right now, because I am getting so much out of being single, that this is how He wants me to be at the present time.
I suggest lot's of prayer.
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charligirl
Senior Veteran
Tough question, I believe God guides.... but gives choice. Pray, but don't overspiritualise. I also don't believe there is just 'the one' person for everyone.
I am getting married in 3-weeks and went through a lot of soul searching... the book that helped me enormously was 'should I get married?' by M.Blaine Smith, biblical and practical. There is a sample chapter on his website gospelcom.net/nehemiah/
I am getting married in 3-weeks and went through a lot of soul searching... the book that helped me enormously was 'should I get married?' by M.Blaine Smith, biblical and practical. There is a sample chapter on his website gospelcom.net/nehemiah/
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Reminds me of another question:Ronan said:
Just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?
Just kidding. I would say there are a couple of things. First, you should know what you want in advance. I know girls that have books of qualifications, but remember to use this only as a guide.
Secondly, I would tell you to wait until you can see the bad things about that person that your friends and/or family says is there. If you can wait past being in love, for what it's worth, then you can see if they really are worth it.
Alternatively, you could rely on your friends and family to help make decisions, but remember that they won't have to live with him/her for the rest of thier life - you will.
I would say prayer is important, and peace is important. Still, I'm not totally convinced that Judas was not at peace when he delivered Christ to be crucified. He was in turmoil thereafter, much as you could be if you rely solely on feelings to make a determination for marriage.
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hotknikkels
™Barbarian Christian™
I would like to add something... Life in You is spot on!
Can I expand? I think there are a few factors that help you come to know if you have met the right person. We can not just trust our feelings, because well that is silly, you all know that feelings can lie, they can decieve us! But feelings do play a part in knowing. I think that you and her will both know if you are right for each other when you get to know each other really well and those feelings of love increase over a long period of time, a year is a good period, but that ain't a rule. I think that first you need to be friends. This person must be your best friend. You must see this person as someone you know you can spend the rest of your life with, you must share the same vision for your lives. I have seen people get married and then divorced and the main factor behind the divorce was that they had conflicting visions for their family life, that ain't good. Obviously sacrifice can be a part, but I don't wanna get into that! Just a side note, do not enter marriage if you think escape from it is an option, that is a big "no no". I have met many couples who entered marriage with the thought that if it don't work out they can get divorced, big mistake because they usually end up getting divorced.
Okay lets sum up what I just said! Number one, feelings get stronger. Number two, you share a similar vision for life, especially family life. Number three, you are best friends. Number four, you don't even think about divorce, an escape route, if you are, you don't even think about getting married!
What else? I think it is really important that those people in authority over your life should agree that you should get married. That would include your parents, Pastor and those who know you both the most! Also, you should be as free as possible from any baggage you may have. Now the later is a hard thing, and Desper84unity touched on this. I don't believe you need to seek the help of a professional Christian Psychologist to get straight, but that can help you. I do believe however that you are not ready to get married until you have sorted out certain problems in your life. That is where and how the church can help in this, along with your own personal study. I have said this before, but marriage is a magnifying glass. If you enter marriage with problems, they will normally only increase while in marriage. (The flipside is that your good values will shine brighter in marriage also!) I am not saying you have to be perfect to get married or none of us will ever get married, but there are some things that need to be worked out before you get married. I will list them briefly and then I will shut up!
1. Finances, get them sorted before marriage or you will both get into debt. Even if the other person is amazing at personal finance, you will still mess the equation!
2. Sexual sin/list/purity. Just because you will be married, don't solve the problem. Get sexually pure before getting married. There are loads of good books on this available. For the guys, best book is "Every young man's battle" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey. There are also some good books out for the ladies too, I have just not read any of them!
3. Anger, get a grip of it or watch yourself explode in marriage!
There are others but this is all I can think of at the moment! Hope this helps!
Can I expand? I think there are a few factors that help you come to know if you have met the right person. We can not just trust our feelings, because well that is silly, you all know that feelings can lie, they can decieve us! But feelings do play a part in knowing. I think that you and her will both know if you are right for each other when you get to know each other really well and those feelings of love increase over a long period of time, a year is a good period, but that ain't a rule. I think that first you need to be friends. This person must be your best friend. You must see this person as someone you know you can spend the rest of your life with, you must share the same vision for your lives. I have seen people get married and then divorced and the main factor behind the divorce was that they had conflicting visions for their family life, that ain't good. Obviously sacrifice can be a part, but I don't wanna get into that! Just a side note, do not enter marriage if you think escape from it is an option, that is a big "no no". I have met many couples who entered marriage with the thought that if it don't work out they can get divorced, big mistake because they usually end up getting divorced.
Okay lets sum up what I just said! Number one, feelings get stronger. Number two, you share a similar vision for life, especially family life. Number three, you are best friends. Number four, you don't even think about divorce, an escape route, if you are, you don't even think about getting married!
What else? I think it is really important that those people in authority over your life should agree that you should get married. That would include your parents, Pastor and those who know you both the most! Also, you should be as free as possible from any baggage you may have. Now the later is a hard thing, and Desper84unity touched on this. I don't believe you need to seek the help of a professional Christian Psychologist to get straight, but that can help you. I do believe however that you are not ready to get married until you have sorted out certain problems in your life. That is where and how the church can help in this, along with your own personal study. I have said this before, but marriage is a magnifying glass. If you enter marriage with problems, they will normally only increase while in marriage. (The flipside is that your good values will shine brighter in marriage also!) I am not saying you have to be perfect to get married or none of us will ever get married, but there are some things that need to be worked out before you get married. I will list them briefly and then I will shut up!
1. Finances, get them sorted before marriage or you will both get into debt. Even if the other person is amazing at personal finance, you will still mess the equation!
2. Sexual sin/list/purity. Just because you will be married, don't solve the problem. Get sexually pure before getting married. There are loads of good books on this available. For the guys, best book is "Every young man's battle" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey. There are also some good books out for the ladies too, I have just not read any of them!
3. Anger, get a grip of it or watch yourself explode in marriage!
There are others but this is all I can think of at the moment! Hope this helps!
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