How do you know when God wants you to be with someone?

[JellyMarshmallow]

Hello everyone - I am new here, but I hope to return often now that i've found the site

I have recently joined this Christian group on my campus and I am very glad that I did because the people are great and it really has allowed me to learn more and grow in my faith. However there is a challenge. - I find myself very attracted to a guy in the group that it is becoming a distraction, and I am starting feel like I'm going to the meetings because of him, and not because of Him. I joined the group to grow closer to God, not to meet and crush on guys. Also, I am starting to feel lustful for him, and that's bad.

I am not sure what to do. The guy is single and so am I, but I am not sure if he even likes me the way I like him. He's outgoing, and I am shy and I've been scared to really talk to him. I have run into him randomly by chance (was it God?). Perhaps we just haven't really had the opportunity to talk much, but considering how outgoing this guy is, I tell myself that if he really liked me, I'd know it by now.

I pray about the situation and for God to give me a signal about this guy - I don't think he'd be a bad guy to get involved with - he's a very devout Christian, and I think it would be a very positive relationship. But as I said, if the man is not interested in me, I think I ought to move on - perhaps that's God's way of showing me it's not meant to be. Aside from greeting me enthusiastically all the time, and complimenting me, he barely acknowledges me (side note: which kinda made me confused why he'd compliment me out of nowhere after how we barely talk before). I am almost not sure if God IS giving me all the signals and it's me who is ruining things because I am too shy. The only time I see this guy is during the group meetings, but I figured if he was interested, he'd invite me to things or something... but that hasnt happened.

Sorry I went off on a tangent - do you have any advice about how to handle (get over?) my crush on this guy? AND how did you know when you met the one God wanted you to be with? did it just come so easily?

additional question:
do you think if a Christian man had a crush on a woman and started thinking lustful thoughts, would he avoid her? barely even acknowledge her?(just wondering...)

PS: I am not sure if I posted this in the correct category! sorry!

 

[parsley]

would he avoid her?

He might be thinking the same thing you are. He might have a commitment to a beau back home or out of town, and your timing might not be right. He might be outspoken and still shy, or fearful that women might reject him.

Lord, lead us not into temptation...

I think the easiest way for a shy person to fall into temptation, is to delay the pursuit. If you sit at home and wonder about him, you will start to build up assumptions about him that are not true, and relate to him as though you'd known him forever or already decided what your life with him will be like. Then suddenly he will be confronted with too much.

A little bit of that is normal caution and preparation. Too much of that sends people into stalker territory. Tempts them to blurt out with, "God told me that you're going to marry me." So keep the relationship healthy by testing the waters little by little, letting your thoughts coincide with your conversations more.

Ultimately, you want a good conversational relationship with him. So start building that now, responding to what he's saying and not distracted by how you can nab him. Conversation will come across fake or pushy if your motives are obvious. Try to live in the moment instead of in your plans. Care about him. Find out more of who he really is, and less of what your head and heart want from him.

It's natural reactions, so don't kick yourself for feeling this way. God made the impulses in you to find a mate, so He's not cracking the whip on relationships. Just keep God as your source of guidance, and listen to the cues the guy is giving you back.

Allow this fish to go back in the water if necessary... but also allow yourself to accept success.

 

[JellyMarshmallow]

I think the easiest way for a shy person to fall into temptation, is to delay the pursuit. If you sit at home and wonder about him, you will start to build up assumptions about him that are not true, and relate to him as though you'd known him forever or already decided what your life with him will be like. Then suddenly he will be confronted with too much.

A little bit of that is normal caution and preparation. Too much of that sends people into stalker territory. Tempts them to blurt out with, "God told me that you're going to marry me." So keep the relationship healthy by testing the waters little by little, letting your thoughts coincide with your conversations more.

Ultimately, you want a good conversational relationship with him. So start building that now, responding to what he's saying and not distracted by how you can nab him. Conversation will come across fake or pushy if your motives are obvious.

Yes, you are right, I agree with most of this, except for the part about the pursuit. I suppose I have an old fashioned way of seeing things - I believe if a man is interested in a woman he will ask her out. I assume the man does that, not the woman. And the fact that he has not asked me out tells me he's not interested, so I was focused on trying to get over my little crush and not like him any more. So rather than thinking about how I can nab him, I was more thinking about, how do I stop liking him?

See the thing is the conversations we've had were when I ran into him randomly one day, and the time he came and sat by me. Otherwise, even though he had opportunity to talk to me during a big event recently, he didn't. I was new to the group and even though I felt other people talked to me, this guy wouldn't and in fact I tried talking to him - and he'd sometimes not say a word back or maybe a very short response. He barely knew I existed at this time, which helped me at the time forget about him (I actually felt a little snubbed by him to be honest) then until he suddenly started talking to me!

So anyways, sorry just wanted to clarify. Should I just try not to think about him whatsoever unless I am in the meetings and I see him?

PS, i've never been a "stalker"

 

[parsley]

I know you're not a stalker -- just using that example as the extreme, so you can figure out how to balance your thoughts. Most people make themselves available or set up circumstances in a way that they are more likely to have contact with the person -- that's just part of accomplishing anything. Positioning.

The day he snubbed you might just be male focus -- they tend to think on one track more than women do. It also might have been his way of establishing the boundaries he wanted -- friendship that allows room for the meeting/concert/event/class etc.

With pursuit, I agree that romantic moves can easily backfire. But you said you were more shy than he was, so I was just encouraging you to be one step less shy -- not initiate the change in what the relationship is, or change who you are.

In trying to stop liking him... that's tougher. A new interest can help. (-;

Think of these strong feelings -- instincts-- as a snowball going down a hill. It looks impossible to stop, but if you don't, it will eventually break apart. The longer you hold onto them, the more snow will be built up and the more painful it will be.

 

[quitespirit]

Sounds like you are making assumptions about how he feels or thinks about you. I think you may be reading into your encounters more concrete evidence of his level of interest than you can really tell.

I don't know what the right answer is. If you are determined not to initiate interaction(and I don't mean asking him out, just conversation) with him I would pray about it. But as I tend to be more proactive I would personally want to make sure my interest was shown by taking the initiative to speak with him some more. You state that you are shy, that can come off as uninterested. I would try being more direct, but that is my approach.

Best of luck

 

[JellyMarshmallow]

Sounds like you are making assumptions about how he feels or thinks about you. I think you may be reading into your encounters more concrete evidence of his level of interest than you can really tell.

I don't know what the right answer is. If you are determined not to initiate interaction(and I don't mean asking him out, just conversation) with him I would pray about it. But as I tend to be more proactive I would personally want to make sure my interest was shown by taking the initiative to speak with him some more. You state that you are shy, that can come off as uninterested. I would try being more direct, but that is my approach.

Best of luck

oh oops, i see. I will definitely do that - try to initiate a few more times, and just be open, but ALSO pray about it In my experience I am pretty clueless about how guys feel unless they pretty much explicitly tell me. haha. I assume nobody is interested :-/

 

[parsley]

I can think of a few times when I took the stance you did, and obsessed until I gave up, then later found out the guys wanted to ask me out but were afraid to, or thought I was dating someone else.

You don't need to unleash all the feminine wiles to test the grounds... just be a little more confident. When you pray, ask God for specific things like "Show me how to be helpful to him today," or "Guide me toward opportunities to build the friendship."

 

[quitespirit]

oh oops, i see. I will definitely do that - try to initiate a few more times, and just be open, but ALSO pray about it In my experience I am pretty clueless about how guys feel unless they pretty much explicitly tell me. haha. I assume nobody is interested :-/

Feelings are a challenge aren't they? *sigh*

Praying for guidance from God, and to help us think with wisdom instead of feelings is something I need to do more of and am doing. You could always seek the advice of an older, wiser Christian woman. An outside, objective (non-invested), mature perspective could be helpful, at least for me- in regard to how to think about men in all kinds of ways. If you are like me, emotions want to rule over wisdom- and keeping my head out of the clouds is a challenge. Personally, I'm taking a break from dating for God knows how long, so I won't need to deal with this stuff unless God drops someone in my lap...lol.

I think the most important factor in a dating relationship (or our interest in pursuing one) is to be sober to where our relationship with God is. If it isn't solid and growing? Dating could be a disaster and even harmful spiritually, with the emotions and temptations that come into play. Not to mention that if the end goal is a marriage partner, if we are not stable in God we could end up in a nightmare of a marriage because we were not using wisdom of God to make our choices.

I know this is a bit OT but its what's on my mind on this topic at the moment, based on the painful lesson God is showing me. I wish you the best.

 

[JellyMarshmallow]

I can think of a few times when I took the stance you did, and obsessed until I gave up, then later found out the guys wanted to ask me out but were afraid to, or thought I was dating someone else.

You don't need to unleash all the feminine wiles to test the grounds... just be a little more confident. When you pray, ask God for specific things like "Show me how to be helpful to him today," or "Guide me toward opportunities to build the friendship."

ok I will. Thanks this helps. I will stay in the group b/c it also helps me with my faith (i was considering dropping out.. because I felt I was getting distracted and going for the wrong reasons). i think with this new mindset and praying i will be able to have faith and concentrate on God while I'm there

 

[JellyMarshmallow]

Feelings are a challenge aren't they? *sigh*

Praying for guidance from God, and to help us think with wisdom instead of feelings is something I need to do more of and am doing. You could always seek the advice of an older, wiser Christian woman. An outside, objective (non-invested), mature perspective could be helpful, at least for me- in regard to how to think about men in all kinds of ways. If you are like me, emotions want to rule over wisdom- and keeping my head out of the clouds is a challenge. Personally, I'm taking a break from dating for God knows how long, so I won't need to deal with this stuff unless God drops someone in my lap...lol.

I think the most important factor in a dating relationship (or our interest in pursuing one) is to be sober to where our relationship with God is. If it isn't solid and growing? Dating could be a disaster and even harmful spiritually, with the emotions and temptations that come into play. Not to mention that if the end goal is a marriage partner, if we are not stable in God we could end up in a nightmare of a marriage because we were not using wisdom of God to make our choices.

I know this is a bit OT but its what's on my mind on this topic at the moment, based on the painful lesson God is showing me. I wish you the best.

Sorry i just saw this

I agree with what you're saying... I think you're definitely right about making sure our relationship with God is solid - that's actually one of the reasons I was worried and considering dropping this group - because he was distracting me!

 

[madetoworship]

I'd surround myself with more sisters in Christ to keep you accountable. And seek out a discipleship and guidance from an older more experienced sister in Christ that will speak truth to you in love.

Ephesians 4

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Hello everyone - I am new here, but I hope to return often now that i've found the site

I have recently joined this Christian group on my campus and I am very glad that I did because the people are great and it really has allowed me to learn more and grow in my faith. However there is a challenge. - I find myself very attracted to a guy in the group that it is becoming a distraction, and I am starting feel like I'm going to the meetings because of him, and not because of Him. I joined the group to grow closer to God, not to meet and crush on guys. Also, I am starting to feel lustful for him, and that's bad.

I am not sure what to do. The guy is single and so am I, but I am not sure if he even likes me the way I like him. He's outgoing, and I am shy and I've been scared to really talk to him. I have run into him randomly by chance (was it God?). Perhaps we just haven't really had the opportunity to talk much, but considering how outgoing this guy is, I tell myself that if he really liked me, I'd know it by now.

I pray about the situation and for God to give me a signal about this guy - I don't think he'd be a bad guy to get involved with - he's a very devout Christian, and I think it would be a very positive relationship. But as I said, if the man is not interested in me, I think I ought to move on - perhaps that's God's way of showing me it's not meant to be. Aside from greeting me enthusiastically all the time, and complimenting me, he barely acknowledges me (side note: which kinda made me confused why he'd compliment me out of nowhere after how we barely talk before). I am almost not sure if God IS giving me all the signals and it's me who is ruining things because I am too shy. The only time I see this guy is during the group meetings, but I figured if he was interested, he'd invite me to things or something... but that hasnt happened.

Sorry I went off on a tangent - do you have any advice about how to handle (get over?) my crush on this guy? AND how did you know when you met the one God wanted you to be with? did it just come so easily?

additional question:
do you think if a Christian man had a crush on a woman and started thinking lustful thoughts, would he avoid her? barely even acknowledge her?(just wondering...)

PS: I am not sure if I posted this in the correct category! sorry!

As far as considering the opposite sex for a romantic (no sex) relationship (versus just friendship)... God would swing the door wide open for you to pursue a romantic relationship so long as you both meet certain God given criteria ; some being :

1. You both are genuine Christians. That is, youve both recieved Christ into your Life as Saviour, King., and have made him your Lord which is evidenced by a complete letting go of any known lifestyle sins , and, there has been a true heart change having taken place that results in diligent serving of him and Others by using the time, talents, and treasures God has allowed you. And preferably , for some time now.

2. You both have made your minds up that you will honor one another AND Christ, by staying away from giving into the temptation of the sexual with one another and that you will take the necessary precautions not to fuel sexual passion (this incorporates a few different things which we can discuss if youre interested) . You both agree to this verbally and even in writing if you like.

3. You both agree to have your Relationship be one of integrity and selfLESSness and to where God is glorified thru it. This too comes in a variety of ways.



This criteria is about it as far as the kind of Christian Man God would want for his Daughter in Christ. Now...if the relationship grows to the point where it becomes extremely serious after a good amount of time to where marriage is being considered, then, there are more specifics that you would need to consider.

During the friendship or relationship stage...you both should be in constant prayer about your union praying for each other and for strentgh, wisdom, integrity to be maintained for yourselves.

DId any of this help ? I hope so. Just remember...go slow, tread cautiously, enjoy having the company of another true Christian Man by your side, and watch carefully for Gods confirmations or lack of confirmations whether you should stay together.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Hello everyone - I am new here, but I hope to return often now that i've found the site

I have recently joined this Christian group on my campus and I am very glad that I did because the people are great and it really has allowed me to learn more and grow in my faith. However there is a challenge. - I find myself very attracted to a guy in the group that it is becoming a distraction, and I am starting feel like I'm going to the meetings because of him, and not because of Him. I joined the group to grow closer to God, not to meet and crush on guys. Also, I am starting to feel lustful for him, and that's bad.

I am not sure what to do. The guy is single and so am I, but I am not sure if he even likes me the way I like him. He's outgoing, and I am shy and I've been scared to really talk to him. I have run into him randomly by chance (was it God?). Perhaps we just haven't really had the opportunity to talk much, but considering how outgoing this guy is, I tell myself that if he really liked me, I'd know it by now.

I pray about the situation and for God to give me a signal about this guy - I don't think he'd be a bad guy to get involved with - he's a very devout Christian, and I think it would be a very positive relationship. But as I said, if the man is not interested in me, I think I ought to move on - perhaps that's God's way of showing me it's not meant to be. Aside from greeting me enthusiastically all the time, and complimenting me, he barely acknowledges me (side note: which kinda made me confused why he'd compliment me out of nowhere after how we barely talk before). I am almost not sure if God IS giving me all the signals and it's me who is ruining things because I am too shy. The only time I see this guy is during the group meetings, but I figured if he was interested, he'd invite me to things or something... but that hasnt happened.

Sorry I went off on a tangent - do you have any advice about how to handle (get over?) my crush on this guy? AND how did you know when you met the one God wanted you to be with? did it just come so easily?

additional question:
do you think if a Christian man had a crush on a woman and started thinking lustful thoughts, would he avoid her? barely even acknowledge her?(just wondering...)

PS: I am not sure if I posted this in the correct category! sorry!

As far as considering the opposite sex for a romantic (no sex) relationship (versus just friendship)... God would swing the door wide open for you to pursue a romantic relationship so long as you both meet certain God given criteria ; some being :

1. You both are genuine Christians. That is, youve both recieved Christ into your Life as Saviour, King., and have made him your Lord which is evidenced by a complete letting go of any known lifestyle sins , and, there has been a true heart change having taken place that results in diligent serving of him and Others by using the time, talents, and treasures God has allowed you. And preferably , for some time now.

2. You both have made your minds up that you will honor one another AND Christ, by staying away from giving into the temptation of the sexual with one another and that you will take the necessary precautions not to fuel sexual passion (this incorporates a few different things which we can discuss if youre interested) . You both agree to this verbally and even in writing if you like.

3. You both agree to have your Relationship be one of integrity and selfLESSness and to where God is glorified thru it. This too comes in a variety of ways.



This criteria is about it as far as the kind of Christian Man God would want for his Daughter in Christ. Now...if the relationship grows to the point where it becomes extremely serious after a good amount of time to where marriage is being considered, then, there are more specifics that you would need to consider.

During the friendship or relationship stage...you both should be in constant prayer about your union praying for each other and for strentgh, wisdom, integrity to be maintained for yourselves.

DId any of this help ? I hope so. Just remember...go slow, tread cautiously, enjoy having the company of another true Christian Man by your side, and watch carefully for Gods confirmations or lack of confirmations whether you should stay together.

 

[JellyMarshmallow]

As far as considering the opposite sex for a romantic (no sex) relationship (versus just friendship)... God would swing the door wide open for you to pursue a romantic relationship so long as you both meet certain God given criteria ; some being :

1. You both are genuine Christians. That is, youve both recieved Christ into your Life as Saviour, King., and have made him your Lord which is evidenced by a complete letting go of any known lifestyle sins , and, there has been a true heart change having taken place that results in diligent serving of him and Others by using the time, talents, and treasures God has allowed you. And preferably , for some time now.

2. You both have made your minds up that you will honor one another AND Christ, by staying away from giving into the temptation of the sexual with one another and that you will take the necessary precautions not to fuel sexual passion (this incorporates a few different things which we can discuss if youre interested) . You both agree to this verbally and even in writing if you like.

3. You both agree to have your Relationship be one of integrity and selfLESSness and to where God is glorified thru it. This too comes in a variety of ways.



This criteria is about it as far as the kind of Christian Man God would want for his Daughter in Christ. Now...if the relationship grows to the point where it becomes extremely serious after a good amount of time to where marriage is being considered, then, there are more specifics that you would need to consider.

During the friendship or relationship stage...you both should be in constant prayer about your union praying for each other and for strentgh, wisdom, integrity to be maintained for yourselves.

DId any of this help ? I hope so. Just remember...go slow, tread cautiously, enjoy having the company of another true Christian Man by your side, and watch carefully for Gods confirmations or lack of confirmations whether you should stay together.

Thank you very much. I believe this guy is very secure in his relationship with God. I am the one who was more recently saved. I actually think that a relationship with him would be very positive because I could learn a lot from him and see him as a good example of faith

the one thing i wonder though is that when you say God will open the door - does that mean Ill see SIGNS that it's meant to be? will it be so clear that me and this guy should date? and if it feels like a struggle or forced, that means it's not right? any guidance is welcome

I will pray for him tonight.

EDIT: the confirmations you speak of - that's what i mean - can anybody give me some examples of some of these confirmations they've seen in their own life? I think i need some examples!

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Hello everyone - I am new here, but I hope to return often now that i've found the site

I have recently joined this Christian group on my campus and I am very glad that I did because the people are great and it really has allowed me to learn more and grow in my faith. However there is a challenge. - I find myself very attracted to a guy in the group that it is becoming a distraction, and I am starting feel like I'm going to the meetings because of him, and not because of Him. I joined the group to grow closer to God, not to meet and crush on guys. Also, I am starting to feel lustful for him, and that's bad.

I am not sure what to do. The guy is single and so am I, but I am not sure if he even likes me the way I like him. He's outgoing, and I am shy and I've been scared to really talk to him. I have run into him randomly by chance (was it God?). Perhaps we just haven't really had the opportunity to talk much, but considering how outgoing this guy is, I tell myself that if he really liked me, I'd know it by now.

I pray about the situation and for God to give me a signal about this guy - I don't think he'd be a bad guy to get involved with - he's a very devout Christian, and I think it would be a very positive relationship. But as I said, if the man is not interested in me, I think I ought to move on - perhaps that's God's way of showing me it's not meant to be. Aside from greeting me enthusiastically all the time, and complimenting me, he barely acknowledges me (side note: which kinda made me confused why he'd compliment me out of nowhere after how we barely talk before). I am almost not sure if God IS giving me all the signals and it's me who is ruining things because I am too shy. The only time I see this guy is during the group meetings, but I figured if he was interested, he'd invite me to things or something... but that hasnt happened.

Sorry I went off on a tangent - do you have any advice about how to handle (get over?) my crush on this guy? AND how did you know when you met the one God wanted you to be with? did it just come so easily?

additional question:
do you think if a Christian man had a crush on a woman and started thinking lustful thoughts, would he avoid her? barely even acknowledge her?(just wondering...)

PS: I am not sure if I posted this in the correct category! sorry!

As far as considering the opposite sex for a romantic (no sex) relationship (versus just friendship)... God would swing the door wide open for you to pursue a romantic relationship so long as you both meet certain God given criteria ; some being :


1. You both are genuine Christians. That is, youve both recieved Christ into your Life as Saviour, King., and have made him your Lord which is evidenced by a complete letting go of any known lifestyle sins , and, there has been a true heart change having taken place that results in diligent serving of him and Others by using the time, talents, and treasures God has allowed you. And preferably , for some time now.

2. You both have made your minds up that you will honor one another AND Christ, by staying away from giving into the temptation of the sexual with one another and that you will take the necessary precautions not to fuel sexual passion (this incorporates a few different things which we can discuss if youre interested) . You both agree to this verbally and even in writing if you like.

3. You both agree to have your Relationship be one of integrity and selfLESSness and to where God is glorified thru it. This too comes in a variety of ways.




This criteria is about it as far as the kind of Christian Man God would want for his Daughter in Christ. Now...if the relationship grows to the point where it becomes extremely serious after a good amount of time to where marriage is being considered, then, there are more specifics that you would need to consider.


During the friendship or relationship stage...you both should be in constant prayer about your union praying for each other and for strentgh, wisdom, integrity to be maintained for yourselves.


DId any of this help ? I hope so. Just remember...go slow, tread cautiously, enjoy having the company of another true Christian Man by your side, and watch carefully for Gods confirmations or lack of confirmations whether you should stay together.