How do you hold it together?

[AWorkInProgress]

Hello,

I am almost 2 months since the passing of my beloved wife of 13 years. I been a follower of Christ since 2007, I know Reformed theology and the Sovereignity of God. I believe he is very much in control of all things. My wife passed quickly and I know she is in a better place. Reviewing all the events that took place, it was her time. It is the only thing that makes sense.

Yet my heart tries not to war with God with taking my wife home. One part of me knows she is truly in "paradise" (Luke 23:43) and she fulfilled her purpose on earth. Other part of me wanted to grow old with her, think of all the things I wanted to show her, the things we never finished doing, see her become a mother finally.

From the hospital and here at my apartment, I grieved so much. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of her. I had to spend time purging her laundry to make room, I couldn't stop crying because I should be in this position.

I am still recoverying and I am stuck at home. I am trying to get back to work. The Lord has been gracious every step of the way, but there is just that knawing at my soul wanting to be selfish and have her back.

I never wanted to be a widower, so it's a whole new reality for me. How did you survive? Did things get better or worse?

Thank you for any responses.

 

[Jeshu]

My condolences

That Jesus comforts you with His love. Keep your eyes peeled on Jesus. brother.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I lost my son when he was 43yrs, not the same of course but the grief at times felt unbearable. I clung to the Lord and eventually found myself living parallel to the grief. It hasn't gone away but I can live. Hope this helps, I pray for you.

 

[Cormack]

Time heals. New memories help heal us of old pains. We often deny ourselves these new experiences and new memories because it feels like a betrayal of the person we lost, it’s like we don’t really want to move on, moving on is wrong somehow.

We don’t want to hurt, but we also want to preserve the hurt, it’s part of our love.

Over time I feel there’s a way to move on and enjoy life in a way that honours all the people we love.

C. S. Lewis wrote a wonderful book after the loss of his wife, “a grief observed.” It’s an oldie so you can probably find it with a quick google search.

God love you and keep you friend.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Hello,

I am almost 2 months since the passing of my beloved wife of 13 years. I been a follower of Christ since 2007, I know Reformed theology and the Sovereignity of God. I believe he is very much in control of all things. My wife passed quickly and I know she is in a better place. Reviewing all the events that took place, it was her time. It is the only thing that makes sense.

Yet my heart tries not to war with God with taking my wife home. One part of me knows she is truly in "paradise" (Luke 23:43) and she fulfilled her purpose on earth. Other part of me wanted to grow old with her, think of all the things I wanted to show her, the things we never finished doing, see her become a mother finally.

From the hospital and here at my apartment, I grieved so much. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of her. I had to spend time purging her laundry to make room, I couldn't stop crying because I should be in this position.

I am still recoverying and I am stuck at home. I am trying to get back to work. The Lord has been gracious every step of the way, but there is just that knawing at my soul wanting to be selfish and have her back.

I never wanted to be a widower, so it's a whole new reality for me. How did you survive? Did things get better or worse?

Thank you for any responses.

It may not help you to know, but you are fortunate for having the wife you did. Thank God for what time you did have with her. For too many others of us, the death of a spouse is relief and freedom.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

It may not help you to know, but you are fortunate for having the wife you did. Thank God for what time you did have with her. For too many others of us, the death of a spouse is relief and freedom.

I agree, she is very special in many ways. Everytime I would heal from my past and become stronger. Part of me want to go off on my own way, sense of independence. I would be quicken in my spirit, knowing if I go down that road I lose her for sure. Without God in the marriage, it ain't going to last.

I grew up watching other people's marriages fall apart including my own parents. They divorced when I was 6 years old, my father was out of the picture not long later. I was scared on our 10th year anniversary, because it was how many years my parents made before they got divorced. I sacrificed and fought for my marriage. I would do it all over again.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I lost my son when he was 43yrs, not the same of course but the grief at times felt unbearable. I clung to the Lord and eventually found myself living parallel to the grief. It hasn't gone away but I can live. Hope this helps, I pray for you.

Parent losing a child, I can't begin to imagine how that feels. I am sadden for your loss.

Thank you for your words.

 

[Shane R]

Now is the time you need a good friend; someone who will walk beside you as you find the way back to regular life. Most people are going to be uncomfortable and will just disappear on you. I had one person though who stayed close and he helped me find some new friends who would be present.

 

[mnphysicist]

Grieving the loss of a spouse is so individual. A buddy of mine lost his wife about 18 months ago, and he is doing ok, vs it took me a few years to get to where he is at today.

A few random bits from my experience.

Brain chemistry went whacko. My fight/flight response cranked up and remained at super high... this is normal for most for a period of time. However, if it stays their too long, your body starts to go sideways. I'd spent so many years with my late wife in and our of the hospital and doc offices, I blew off routine care... until I about died and came back multiple times on the way to the ER. Thus, don't do what I did Lol. On the other hand, I'm in better physical shape now as I approach 60 than I was in my 20's, but you really don't want to nearly kick the bucket to get motivated to do so. Plus, its a lot easier to be do weights and vigorous exercise when you are relatively young, than to get into it in your 50's.

Memory looping / waves of grief were pretty insane that first year, but as time passes, they became less in frequency, duration, and amplitude. What i chose to do, and while I don't know if it was helpful or not, was to intentionally seek out triggers, times, places, and events to engage with grief, rather than to avoid it. I asked a friend in the psych business about this, and he says, it helps for some, its a disaster for others... so ymmv.

The betrayal / moving on thing... this is pretty common, and it can be a minefield for a new relationship until you get it under control. Its the sort of thing with the rush of new love that can get glossed over, only to rear its ugliness at a later time seemingly coming from nowhere. At 2 months out, this may not be applicable, but I think being aware of it can be helpful once you get closer to that point.

I echo what Shane R said up thread about finding a friend to walk with you through this. I had a couple folks who were immensely helpful during those dark times. Crazy thing was, we only engaged via email, since we were geographically distant, and hadn't seen each other in decades, but it was super helpful, much more so than friends in 3d space.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Thanks for sharing mnphysicist.

Yeah, I have good days and bad ones. Today was a good day. Other days the little things that remind me of my wife start to trigger all the thoughts of how much I miss her and how angry about how powerless I was to save her. Then it leads to getting angry with God for allowing it and such. I have been in this rut for a week or so, if not longer.

I am finally at the point where I am burnt out being angry. I been doing small studies on trust. I found myself in Proverbs chapter 3. Verses 1-12 just broke me down. Verse 5, 'Trust with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding', is a tough pill to swallow at first. The Lord has been very good to me since I became saved, even blessed me with my wife. I don't and probably won't fully understand why she was taken from me. Yet it is the same sovereign God who put us together.

Do I truly believe He is sovereign or not? Standing on my conviction that He is, I am trying to grow in the trust department each day. My needs for companionship, and being affectionate I have to lay at his feet each day or they tear me apart. I depended on my wife for a lot of things.

Since the collapse of our church years ago, it left a sour taste in our mouths about rejoining any church. We did 'church' for years just to have it crash and burn. We did home church group, but we were still pretty isolated. With my wife gone, I think it is more important than ever to start going to a church again. To be part of the body of Christ again, but we (my mother-in-law and I) are going to take it slowly doing so.

 

[raeeldri]

Hello,

I am almost 2 months since the passing of my beloved wife of 13 years. I been a follower of Christ since 2007, I know Reformed theology and the Sovereignity of God. I believe he is very much in control of all things. My wife passed quickly and I know she is in a better place. Reviewing all the events that took place, it was her time. It is the only thing that makes sense.

Yet my heart tries not to war with God with taking my wife home. One part of me knows she is truly in "paradise" (Luke 23:43) and she fulfilled her purpose on earth. Other part of me wanted to grow old with her, think of all the things I wanted to show her, the things we never finished doing, see her become a mother finally.

From the hospital and here at my apartment, I grieved so much. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of her. I had to spend time purging her laundry to make room, I couldn't stop crying because I should be in this position.

I am still recoverying and I am stuck at home. I am trying to get back to work. The Lord has been gracious every step of the way, but there is just that knawing at my soul wanting to be selfish and have her back.

I never wanted to be a widower, so it's a whole new reality for me. How did you survive? Did things get better or worse?

Thank you for any responses.

It was that way with me at first and as each day that goes by it is a little easier than the day before. Then there are days I am moody and mad at everyone for nothing, Yet I know that He loves me. My wife and I were married 36 years when she passed last September. When I was dealing with our room I had many tear-filled nights and even now there are times I just want to cry when I remember the things we did together. The things we laughed about and enjoyed. We love each other and everyone knew it. I pray that each day that passes will be easier for you. The pain will get better, she will always be with you in your heart. It is a process and do not let anyone tell you that you need to move on. When you are ready you will know. That is between you and God. I am here for you and I know that you are here for me. We are in this together. And through the power of Jesus, He will bring us through. Blessing to you.
Rick