I feel grieved and punished and overwhelmed- it hurts. But I work at having joy in it. It always feels like having mental health issues and like I gotta get outa this place. Now it’s not so bad it’s endurable. But I have thought some pretty terrible things and treated the Lord way bad worse than any person in my lifetime.
I just don’t understand sometimes,but it happens from disobedience in my case. I don’t exactly feel loved and I’m slow but I see Him working and it getting better overall.
Ah, I dont know that you are being chastened. It sounds like something else. Please have confidence in your stand in Christ. Self-condemnation has a hard time holding to hope. The not feeling loved part concerns me. It sounds a bit like spiritual warfare though I'm no expert.
I'm glad you are looking for joy in your trial. If you have a pet sin eating at you, that might play a part. And maybe a bit more confidence in the Lord's goodness would ease your mind and bring peace.
There was one area of my life once I knew I crossed the line too many times. I kept brushing it off and making excuses. I'd been warned by the Holy Spirit more than once. I was a bit out of control there. I still had a lot of great things going on in my life and my walk with Christ but that dark knot I let loose habitually and didnt properly address it as I knew to do.
My last strike out had me drop to my knees. And I just waited because I knew something was coming. Not a presence but a punishment. I could feel it. Sure enough that evening I got very very sick. I vomited all night long after my stomach was completely empty. Thought I might die at the most feverish point. But nope. I was given more chances to check myself. Felt much better the next day. Whirlwind illness. Still I knew the whole time I was loved. No question.
The Lord was way too up in my business to think I wasnt part of his family. It was a loving swat so to speak. Or maybe this is just how the Lord deals with me? Maybe he has to get my attention through extreme means, lol.
If you doubt God's love, it may not be what you think. I have reason to believe the Lord doesnt spare the rod everytime no matter how many hives break out on popular theologians today at the implication the New Testament isn’t short on accountability. Trending theories on God do not change God. I’ll stop ranting now.
But your case doesnt seem to be punishment. I pray you get it sorted. One of my favorite things to do when I was a lonely single airman overseas and far from loved ones was to read Gods promises in the Bible and watch for them to come true. That is an empowering way to gain confidence in your Christian identity.
Too many people are self condemning. We can examine ourselves but we have no right to think the Lord doesnt love us anymore. Hang in there. I'm glad you feel things might be getting better. You are so loved! You dont have enough sin to undo what Christ did for you.
Roman's 15:13 ESV "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."