how do you explain an absent father?

[hatschie]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I'd really appreciate to get some advice.
I'm a single mother of a 3-year-old boy. His father and I split up when I was pregnant and we haven't been in touch since then.
Lately my son has begun to ask me why he doesn't have a dad and I'm really at a loss how to explain the situation to him.
I had this idealistic idea that I would like to keep the terms "dad" and "father" seperate in his mind. His idea of dads so far is that of his granddad, my friends' husbands and God - and I don't really want to spoil this positive image. Yet I'm not sure I'm doing him a favour by just claiming that he doesn't have a dad at this point and waiting until he is older to explain to him that he does have a (biological) father after all.
And I also don't know how to explain to him that his father doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Unlike some of my divorced friends I can't truthfully claim that he had nothing to do with the break-up. My ex-boyfriend left me because I was unwilling to have an abortion...
If anyone of you has any suggestions how I can tell my son "the truth" without causing him more pain than neccessary, I would really appreciate it.
Thanks for reading this far,
hatschie

 

[kittystrawberry]

I would suggest that you let him spend time with the male role models in the family.
It is too early to tell a 3 years old boy about his dad. It would make him feel unwant.

I would advice that you tell him that you would rather not discuss it. Anything you says aobut his dad will really hurt him, including making up stories.
The truth that you should tell him is that the Father God is his real Father. I know he have a earthly father but he also have a heavely Father. The trick is not to lie to him but to speak the truth to him.

 

[hatschie]

Thanks for your reply.

The truth that you should tell him is that the Father God is his real Father.

I did that. He thought for a moment and then said: "But the other kids have another dad as well...Why don't I?"

I would advice that you tell him that you would rather not discuss it.

So far I've been able to get him off the subject. But he keeps on coming back to it. And he's really stubborn when he wants to know something...

But I guess you're right that he's too young to have to deal with this. Just wish I would not have gotten him in the situation of having to deal with this at all in the first place...

 

[Nazaroo]

Explain the 'Love thy neighbor' law.

Make clear that what makes a man a father is not who his children are but whether he is willing to adopt children.

Read him "Horton hatches the egg." It is a famous Dr. Seuss story about absent parents and others taking up the slack, based upon commitment to a need.

 

[BethMae]

This is a tough one. I would go to see a therapist before explaining it to my son if I were you. My parents told me that my dad was not my real dad when I was six and I was traumatized by that. I still can't trust men. Anyhow, he is 3, it's probobly best to keep it simple. Most young children are unusually satisfied by simple answers to thier big questions. Just tell him that not everyone has a dad. Some families have a mom and some families have two moms and some families have one dad and some families have no mom and no dad but just aunts...so on and so forth. Don't make the answer to long or you'll confuse the kid, as I am sure you know.

I remember that when I was 3 years old I was looking at the TV and thinking "I wonder what the city in the TV looks like." I got up, went behind the television and looked in the holes in the back. My dad said, "What are you doing?" I said, "looking for Big Bird." Dad said, "He is not in there." And I said "OK" and that was that, I never thought about it again that I can remember.

Keep it simple, don't explain it now. Maybe don't explain it until he is in his teens. Just explain to him how much he was wanted by YOU. BE CAREFUL with this one.

-Beth Mae

 

[Leanna]

I wouldn't tell him that he has no father but simply that his father is "away" but he does have a father and maybe someday he will meet him. Like Beth said, keep it simple, do NOT say that daddy didn't want him or make excuses like "he is too busy" just say he is away. Perhaps when your ex gets older he will begin to value parenthood and will come back around to meet your son so away is a good description. Of course I am not a psychiatrist and this is a complicated question. I would recommend going to the bookstore and getting books that address this question. I am *sure* there are some out there as this is not an uncommon issue.

 

[Bethshaya]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I'd really appreciate to get some advice.
I'm a single mother of a 3-year-old boy. His father and I split up when I was pregnant and we haven't been in touch since then.
Lately my son has begun to ask me why he doesn't have a dad and I'm really at a loss how to explain the situation to him.
I had this idealistic idea that I would like to keep the terms "dad" and "father" seperate in his mind. His idea of dads so far is that of his granddad, my friends' husbands and God - and I don't really want to spoil this positive image. Yet I'm not sure I'm doing him a favour by just claiming that he doesn't have a dad at this point and waiting until he is older to explain to him that he does have a (biological) father after all.
And I also don't know how to explain to him that his father doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Unlike some of my divorced friends I can't truthfully claim that he had nothing to do with the break-up. My ex-boyfriend left me because I was unwilling to have an abortion...
If anyone of you has any suggestions how I can tell my son "the truth" without causing him more pain than neccessary, I would really appreciate it.
Thanks for reading this far,
hatschie

Tell him the truth. Perhaps it is a good lesson in training a child on how to be as a future father one day.

Letting him know that children are a big blessing and a big change in life. His real father just wasnt ready for the changes in his life. But he has a mother that waited patiently for 9 months to see what he looked like and to hold him. He was doubly wanted by her and her family.

Explain to him that there are different kinds of families of all shapes and sizes. Not all of them look the same. Some children have no parents at all, some are raised by their grandparents. Some are raised by special people who chose them especially and the children do not know either of their birth parents.

 

[Willseeker]

Tricky one... I think i've been wondering about this one since the day my boy's father left.

My solution, was to teach him about choice... Basically that one should live according to choices and deal with the consequences, so that by the time he should ask about his daddy, that i can explain it in that context.

He's away, because, before he knew what he looks like chose to live the life that was familiar to him... bla-bla-bla... I don't really know anymore. It seems a bit to complicated now!

I'll opt for the family therapist option... eventually!? Since it a tender, fragile situation... This will influence the person he turns out to be and influence the way he sees father-figures... Like how do you not say what daddy did was wrong, but he's not a bad person (since kids have lower self-esteems when they hear that one of the parents are bad, mean or whatever...)

Parents are their primary representative figures of God!?

 

[westcoastmama]

Hi, I'm new. I've been going through the same thing. My daughter recently turned five and has started asking about her father more and more. I have always had her add him to her prayers (she calls him by his first name). It's heart breaking when a child asks where their parent is and, their is no logical reason that they are not around. I recently ran into my daughter's father after about 3 years of not seeing him (actually, I saw him and he didn't see me) and, I chose to leave things as they were. He's been avoiding paying child support by hiding. Basically, I've told my daughter the truth, that he has some things that he needs to work on and, we need to keep praying for him so that he can be a good father to her, one day. She still calls out for him and, I let her know that it's ok to do so. I also let her know that in God's time, He will send her a good father, even if it's not her biological father. Be honest with your child without putting the burden of "reality" on him. It may be the truth but, no child needs to hear that their parent just doesn't want them. Dead-beat fathers are just like the rest of us, a work in progress. Maybe, you can tell him that (minus the dead-beat part )


God Bless,

Westcoast~​

 

[WWbettyD]

hi Im new here,
i am a single mother on 2 boys age 3 and 5 i have been a single mother the whole time... i dont know if what im doing is the right way but i always tell my 5 year old that "everybody needs a dad to be born, but every family is different.. some have kids and a dad some have kids and grandparents and our has boys a mom and grandparents =) " then we get into a discussion about his friends and there different families... hope i help you a bit (im still worried about how i will answer them when they are older :S

 

[jrmaurer519]

My son's father lives in the same town as us, but he doesn't make any effort to see my son. When asked where he is, I tell my son he is away. I believe my son wants/needs that male bond, so I'll tell him of all the men in his life that love him. It's not an easy explanation for him or myself, and in time, it will have to be explained to him in detail. For now though, he's content with his daddy being "away."

 

[becstar77]

I have an 8yr old with High functioning Autism. These questions have only JUST started to come now and in the last 2months I have become upfront with him..

1) because Dad doesn't see your little boy, are you sure his Paternal Grandparents or Aunties/Uncles don't want contact?

2) Do you have photo's of his Dad?

3) do you have family or friends around you that would help you establish contact with his father's family?

let me explain... my son's family have lived locally (except his father who moved interstate) and I always "assumed" that they didn't wish to have contact with my son. I had previously contacted the brother to inform them that my son was born and at another stage to obtain some medical history. At these times I was never asked for any contact/ or details of our phone numbers or addresses BUT I never offered them either.

After getting questions from my son that were consistently coming back to the where abouts of his Dad and over hearing him tell others "he doesn't have a Dad" I started correcting it by telling him "you have a dad, he just doesn't live with us"

As I could see that he was becoming ready to hear the "facts" that he was curious I contacted the Grandmother and arranged to meet her for coffee. I asked her if she would have some photos of her son I could give to my son...

The meeting went well, I didn't give her my contact details - I gave her the contact details of a family member of mine (with their permission) she gave me some photos BUT she was adamant that she would like contact.

Contact is still in the early stages BUT my son is stoked that he now has a Nanna(my Mum) and a Grandma... One of his father's brother's lives in the area (actually about three doors down!! BUT expressed that he was keen to meet us. We have since met him and he is totally supportive... doors are opened

I am still cautious at this stage but at the moment it seems to be going well

having a photo of my son's father to give him really helped. My son doesn't call his father "dad" he looks at the photo's (he has one in his bedroom) and he says "this is Kevin, my Dad."

having a Name and a face has really helped. It also helped to have a logical explanation as to why he couldn't see his Dad - interstate happened to be convenient

I will keep this situation in prayer for you - I know its a hard one

 

[TexasSky]

I think you could truthfully say to him, "Babies take a long time to make. Almost a whole year. Daddy helped Mommy start making you, but then Daddy went away, and he never got to see you when you were finished."

Do be ready to let him learn what he can about his father. Every child has a natural curiosity about such things. My friend's mother refused to discuss her father with her, and it put my friend through terrible pain.

As to "why he left." You can honestly say that it is not your child's fault. Leaving because he wanted you to abort the child does not make it the child's fault he left. When your son is older, you can say, "Daddy wasn't ready to be a grown up," and leave it at that.

 

[Kaylynn]

i would tell him that there are all types of families, some families just have a mom, some families just have a dad, some families have both and some families have neither, and just have a gramma and grampa or an aunt or uncle.

tell him that you are one of the very special families that just have a mom, but make sure you also explain to him that there are a lot of people who love him, tell him you don't know why you are a family that just has a mom but that's just the way it is, but you love him so much and that's never going to change

oh, i just saw that someone said that already....i agree with them!

 

[Laurie919]

It is so hard when they dad doesn't want to be part of the childs life. I don't understand how anyone can be a parent and just not want anything at all to do wth the child.

You are in my prayers to get you through this hard time.

 

[ido]

I read a great book - I'll have to find the title - that talks about telling our children the "truth in love". In other words, we tell them how much they can handle at the age they are at.

I think you've gotten some good advice regarding telling your son that he has a daddy, but that he doesn't live with you. When he asks why daddy doesn't live with you - it's OK to tell him that you don't know. If he keeps asking, just tell him that you're sorry, but Mommy doesn't have all the answers. Then, gently re-direct him to the father figures in his life. You can talk about the "dad" things that a father does with his son, the identify the men in your son's life that do those types of things for him.

It's good that he wants to talk about it. The worst thing we can do for our children is make them feel like the subject of the other parent/divorce, etc. is taboo, IMO.

Prayers for you.

 

[Ceili]

I think if your childs behavior changes get an evaluation. I finished this book called I Don't Want to Talk About It by Jeanie Franz Ranson to guide me with my daughter and her father who is a potential hazard to her due to his alcoholism. My situation is a bit different as she has a bond to my boyfriend,and he is straightforward with her about him not being her birth Daddy but allows her to feel the protection from an adult male.
With a little boy,this may be frustrating and I feel very sorry for you.It's never your fault though.Dead beat dads are everywhere.

 

[TexasSky]

I would tell him something like, "Your Daddy and Mommy stopped being friends before you were born, so your Daddy never got to know what an awesome person you are." If he asks why you two "stopped being friends," you can just say, "Mommy and your Daddy found out that we disagreed on a lot more things than we agreed on, and that we made each other sad." Then you can point out how lucky he is to have really wonderful people around him like his grandfather.

 

[Mayzoo]

My father abandoned me at 12. My mom did all the things a parent should NOT do. Ask if you need the list....or just use your imagination

My mom still being the gem she is, had to be removed from my daughters life when my daughter was 18mo old. We have a whole plan of attack on this subject. (explaing to my daughter why her grandmother and grandfather are not around)

3-5 yrs of age
1. Early age when she asks about grandmother because she saw it on Caillou.....we tell her Grandmother/Grandfather is not able to live close enough for us to go visit her/him. It is too far to drive, and my kiddo should not fly (for medical reasons). I have a few old photos of them back when I was a child----so she can at least have a face to see when she is ready.

6-9yrs age
2. More inquisitive age gets older---Why cant they come and see us? Your grandparents are very fragile. They do not travel well, their car is unreliable to drive, and flying is a potential medical and financial issue.

9-12
1. Grandmom had an illness that made her act in ways that were not very nice around you. I tried to help her change these ways, but they had gone on too long and like any bad habit---it takes time to change them. Had she received some help, and made some changes, seeing you supervised might be allowed. I will ask around about her current mental health.

12-15
Mom and Dad each had some serious mental disturbances. I would have allowed them to be around you only if they received some appropriate psychology treatments. I had to make the choice to save you, and raise you in a normal lifestyle, or work on their relationship
with you. I could have never leave you with them alone. The fighting you would see during these transfers, and the potential slop that you would be feed while with them (slop==negative/hateful comments about us----then the negative comments towards you "you are evil" "you are fat" "You are toooooooooooo skinny" and the goodie---you are a [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] and God will come and slowely take away every you love to punish. I lived that lifestyle and I choose to protect you from that lifestyle as much as possible. It is a lifestyle founded in mental illness.

15-20
They probably ought to be given full disclosure in a completely neutral fashion. Let them ask questions...answer them in as honest an answer you gave, that is a neutral as well. Adding fuel to the fire is never a good. Always be honest, but not cruel. Again explain why felt it best they did not have contact (if you terminated it) or try to make a plausible guess for the other partner....but not more than one plausible answer.

Again-----LEAVE THE ANGER/HATE AT THE DOOR when you to your children and talk to them, They will already sense the anger you hiding. The whole goal when I started was to raise my child without my mother having any access to my child. Also, to not have my daughter harbor any hatred or disgust over my mother. But I don't think my child needs ALL the details.....Shoot small pets when they outlive their usefulness or a punishment is imminent and she can't come up with something other than kill the canary/hamster/dog. And the rest of childhood was just as exciting........to bad she could not put that on the back burner long enough to get to see her granddaughter she beg/prayed for.
My daughter will never know the difference. Probably would not remember her at all. And a "true death bed" visit will not help my daughter in the least.

This has the most heart wrentching experience I have ever been through. Even my dad bailing was not as bad as having to tell my Mother she could not have any contact with Mary anymore.

 

[Lori-lee]

The OP is quite old now but I think there's great advice here for all single parents facing this situation.

My daughter is turning 18months soon (tomorrow, actually) so obviously no questions yet... but I already have a bit of a plan for when they arise. I will tailor the actual answers i give her to her personality, age and the question but I basically plan to tell her that she had a Dad but he was gone before she was born so he never got to meet her.

It's important to me that she understands that he didnt meet her and then reject her... he just never met her.

If she needs more detail then i will say something like he was scared to have a baby, he was scared that he wouldnt be a good dad. When she's much older she will figure out that a guy who turns his back on a woman carrying his child isnt much of a man at all... but she won't hear anything negative about him from me.