How do you define an affair?

[pilgrimdon]

Pilgrimdon, might I ask for more information on these studies you're talking about? You're paraphrasing them, but could you offer us a link or some more info on what you are quoting from? What studies? By whom or from what book/magazine/website?

I still contend that a platonic relationship is not an affair. I have a friend who is a woman that I have been friends with for ten years with not so much as an inkling of romance involved, and have had another such friend as well who passed away from cancer nearly ten years ago. In both cases, we aren't of the same generation, (both women were/are at least eleven years older than I am). I'm pretty sure that makes it easier for the relationship to be platonic, but in any case neither relationship was an affair. How much more evidence do you need than 25 years of living with that sort of relationship? I'll readily admit however that such a relationship with someone who I am more compatible with would be much more difficult. I'm not sure I could have that sort of relationship with someone I found physically attractive, even in an objective, general sense.

A good test might be to ask yourself if you can share your friendship with your spouse. If not, what's missing from your relationship with your spouse that you are looking for in someone else? If you aren't communicating with your spouse, and are instead seeking out someone else to communicate with, then I'd say you have a whole different set of problems that you need to discuss with your spouse. That doesn't mean you are having an affair, but it does mean that you have serious communication issues that need to be resolved and that some element of your marriage isn't in a healthy state. It could lead to an affair if you don't deal with the underlying issues.

I have the information to the links on my other computer and I will get them to you as soon as I can.

I dont have any problem with friendships of the opposite sex. I am concerned about inappropriate and emotional boundaries that this person may have crossed.

As for your questions. I am not seeking out anyone else to communicate with or any other persons to bond with in any way and I feel confident there is nothing that I wouldnt discuss with my spouse.

 

[~Nikki~]

Hmmmm well I will just share from my personal experience this. The guy I had an affair with I had *absolutely no* sexual attraction to. In fact, I was not physically attracted to him at all. It started first and foremost as a friendship, and, get this, we talked about God, Christianity, the Bible and religion the most. What happened was that over time this friendship got too deep to where when something exciting happened, I wanted to tell *him* more than I wanted to tell my husband. That is a paradigm shift right there, when you start being more excited about communication with the other person than with your husband. Gradually, ever so gradually, as a result of our "harmless friendship" I grew to be attracted to him in inappropriate ways. This happened over the course of more than one year, and for much of that year all conversation was appropriate and permissible.

I agree completely that this is often the way things happen.

Maybe not so much for a guy, but I think that a woman can think someone's not at all attractive, and therefore feel *safe* with that person, build up a friendship, then start *sharing* stuff, then POW! before she knows it, the guy is suddenly better looking than she ever thought he could be, suddenly his smile becomes the cutest thing, and his eyes are fantastic, and *why did I never notice he has such a nice build before?*, then wow this guy is nice, and we talk so much more than my husband and I do...I'll just give him a friendly hug, and then you get zapped...often for women, that kind of electric feel between them and a guy wouldn't be there if they weren't emotionally connected in the first place.

And for married women who have close guy friends...I reckon they might start to become a lot more attractive when the marriage goes through a rough time and the husband and wife aren't communicating that well.

So my personal choice is not to have any male friends that I spend one on one time with...not because I'm scared I'll have an affair...but the thing is that it can happen to anyone...and I'd rather be safe than sorry. I know of people who are *not that type*, but still fell. And I will not take that chance for anything.

 

[bliz]

A good test might be to ask yourself if you can share your friendship with your spouse. If not, what's missing from your relationship with your spouse that you are looking for in someone else? If you aren't communicating with your spouse, and are instead seeking out someone else to communicate with, then I'd say you have a whole different set of problems that you need to discuss with your spouse. That doesn't mean you are having an affair, but it does mean that you have serious communication issues that need to be resolved and that some element of your marriage isn't in a healthy state. It could lead to an affair if you don't deal with the underlying issues.

I have some problems with this approach. My husband is my very best friend, my one and only lover, ever, and the person I most enjoy being with. However, my husband is not able to talk with me about many things, some becasue he has no interest in them at all, others becasue he has no knowledge or understanding of them, just as I have no knowledge and understanding about some things in his life. This is not a sign of failure on either of our parts, simply a reflection that as people we have limitations. My God can supply all my needs, but my husband cannot. No husband can, no friend can. I think we add a lot of pressure to our marriages when we expect this one other person to be everything we need in life. That's simply unrealistic and unfair.

My husband and I communicate just fine... but he and I choose to communicate on some subjects with other people in our lives. I think we have a healthy marriage - we've been married for almost 30 years and are still talking, still in love and still having lots of sex.

Many people spoke of outside relationship taking away from a marriage, which, of course, can happen. But outside friendships, with people of both genders, can add to marriages as well. I often come away from conversations with male friends very glad that I married the man I did and with better insight into how a man may view some things. Advice from male friends has often proven very helpful to me concerning how I do things in my marriage

 

[janny108]

It all begins in the mind.
Jan

 

[Jill Ann]

Archigeek, I completely agree with your post!!!

bliz-

You are so fortunate to be part of a healthy, strong, happy marriage!!! I'm sure you probably are someone that can have many friendships, male and female, and not ever be tempted in the least, let alone have it lead to anything inappropriate. The problem is that there are so many people that aren't in such fulfilling, happy marriages. This leaves them with unmet needs, ongoing hurts and disappointments and are therefore VERY VULNERABLE to any kind of positive attention they might get, even from what they've always considered to be a platonic "friend". This is where the problems start and it happens sooooo many times that I think we'd be irresponsible to ignore the facts.

While I'm glad that you have such a good marriage where you and your husband are on the same page about your outside friendships, I'm afraid the majority of us might not be in this position right now, not yet anyway. For the many, many marriages that are struggling with various issues (young marriage, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, porn addiction, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial problems, work stress, depression, etc. etc.) it just seems like opposite-sex friendships threaten to take away too much from a marriage while adding too huge a risk.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I'm very close to a lot of girls.
But there is an area of my life that falls under "marriage." I don't share that with anyone. It's where my wife belongs. I make it clear that nothing there is up for grabs.
Defining thigns clearly beforehand is a good way to steer clear of...problems.

 

[countrymouse33ad]

Jill Ann has a point; platonic friendships, even long-term ones, can be risky when either party is vulnerable. It takes commitment to remain faithful to God, to the marriage, and to the friendship to stay on the right track, and it can be a real struggle.

As for the original question, at what point does such a friendship cross the line, I think you have to stay alert to your feelings and how you handle them. A third party won't necessarily be able to make that judgment unless one or both of the people involved is talking openly and honestly about it. I don't know that it's necessarily measurable by how much time is spent conversing with the friend rather than the spouse; it's more a matter of what's being said and whether customary exchanges of affection are kept in check.