How do you define an affair?

[pilgrimdon]

I have a dear close friend in a situation I am questioning...I found this article and I am interested to know what others think or feel...

Webster describes the affair as "a romantic or passionate attachment, typically of limited duration." But the dictionary in no way describes the intensity and elation, or the pain, agony, and tragedy that we have seen in the lives of people who are involved in affairs.

Not all extramarital affairs have a sexual dimension, but they certainly have a dimension of emotional preoccupation. Thoughts continually drift to the other person, and commitment shifts away from the marriage to the other person.

An affair may be something that is very casual. It may be, as in the movie, Same Time Next Year, only a yearly contact. Affairs run the full spectrum--deep emotional sharing and caring, to full-blown sexual relationships. It isn't so important to define an affair as it is to face the facts that you are actually involved in an affair if another man/woman is drawing your emotions away from your husband/wife.

Don't justify your actions by saying that we are only great friends. If you are spending energy, time, and money on a relationship with another man/woman instead of your husband/wife, no matter how innocent that relationship may appear, you are in an affair.



After reading this and many other articles I still want clarification...
Tell me if you think that an emotional tie (someone you call in times of trouble or difficulties) to another person of the opposite sex other than your spouse is regarded as a safe friend to confide in or an emotional affair...

 

[Leanna]

it is an emotional affair, I think all your thoughts on it are right on...

And even more scary, it is usually the emotional affair or "friendship" that leads right into the sexual affair. That's why it is so commonly people at work, someone you spend a lot of time with, become friends with, and you think of it as "friendship" and don't recognize that, as you said, "another man/woman is drawing your emotions away from your husband/wife."

 

[archigeek]

To be an affair I believe it requires that both parties have an attraction of a sexual nature, and that they share it. That doesn't mean you need to have sex, it means you are attracted to them and you are mutually acting on it in some way, even if it is just a meeting.

Having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex who you are not attracted to is not an affair, that's called friendship, (though I'm sure some people don't think this is possible). If part of your reasoning for the contact is a mutual sexual attraction, then you are having an affair, even if you don't do more than meet for coffee.

No sexual attraction = friendship
One of the two attracted to the other = infatuation
Mutual sexual attraction = an affair

 

[pilgrimdon]

I dont know that I agree Archigeek. From research and other discussions with counseling and pastoral professionals I have been advised that an affair does not need to be sexual or physical (more often it leads to that) but the majority of the dissentigration and problems occur when one or another spouse begins the "friendship" with another person of the opposite sex. The internet is fast becoming the leading mechanism for this type of relationship and from what studies indicate is contributing to a large part of the marital problems.

Read this, "Emotional affairs are most likely to affect the person who would never intend to cheat."
What's toxic about an emotional affair is exactly what distinguishes it from a fleeting, fun crush: secrecy. "The number one way to know if you're having an emotional affair is if you're hiding it from your partner," the illicitness makes it all the more exciting and tempting.

Hheres and interesting test that could help determine the level of invlovment... according to the studies anyone answering 5 or more is activley involved in an affair.
0-1 is harmless and 2 -4 is dangerous.

1. Do you touch him/her in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his/her blazer/blouse?
2. Do you tell him/her more details of your day than you do your partner?
3. Do you talk with him/her more about your relationship than you do with your partner?
4. Does your partner have no idea how much time you spend with this person?
5. Do you pay attention to how you look or your internet profile before you see him/her?
6. Do you think crush-like thoughts like, "He'd/She'd love this song!"?
7. Has one of you said, "I'm attracted to you but I would never act on it because I/you are attached"?
8. Would you feel uncomfortable if your partner saw a videotape/or phone recording of the time you spend with this person?

I still would like more input and thank you....

 

[bliz]

What more input do you want? You clearly think your friend is having an affair. Are we a test case for the arguments you intend to make to her?

I am bothered by people so concerned about emotional affairs that they forbid themselves, and others, from having genuine friendships becasue they might be "friendships" that are really emotional/romantic entanglements. Jesus had friendships with men and women - look at his relationship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus.

There is not disagrement that an emotional/romantic entanglement outside of marriage is wrong, but that does not make friendships wrong. I refuse to live in a world where we keep ourselves so very "safe" that we never do anything that might possibly have any potential for risk. My experience has been that when we do so, it only hypersexualizes any contact between the sexes one does have and that created a sexually charged atmosphere for everyone.

 

[revjayman]

Any type of relationship with someone of the opposite sex that is not your spouse or a family member is wrong.

I wrote in a previous post that I put moral stop signs in my own life to not go over the edge and to protect me from myself.



I do not think that is OK to ride, go to lunch, or other things with someone of the opposite sex alone. It starts out small and then gets big and could eventually lead to a moral failure. I work as a professional for a well known corporation and see the flirting, and the stuff that goes on around me. A survey was recently taken and 65% of the people surveyed said that they had experienced a sexual experience with another co-worker.



No matter what the issue, when the subject matter itself becomes intimate with someone of the opposite sex that is not your wife, is like playing with fire.



Any need that is missing in marriage should be directed toward the spouse.

 

[MN John]

I agree. There should be no one in our lives that we share more intimately with than we do our spouses. There should be no one who takes our attention, time, energy away from our spouses. A wife should have a female best-friend who is a Christian. A husband should have a male best-friend who is a Christian. Close friendships with opposite-sex friends are dangerous territiory even if you manage to avoid the pitfalls all of your life. If your best friend isn't a Christian, you also take chances that their advice and views will lead you astray.

 

[Oblivious]

What more input do you want? You clearly think your friend is having an affair. Are we a test case for the arguments you intend to make to her?

I am bothered by people so concerned about emotional affairs that they forbid themselves, and others, from having genuine friendships becasue they might be "friendships" that are really emotional/romantic entanglements. Jesus had friendships with men and women - look at his relationship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus.

There is not disagrement that an emotional/romantic entanglement outside of marriage is wrong, but that does not make friendships wrong. I refuse to live in a world where we keep ourselves so very "safe" that we never do anything that might possibly have any potential for risk. My experience has been that when we do so, it only hypersexualizes any contact between the sexes one does have and that created a sexually charged atmosphere for everyone.

Another great post, Bliz. I totally agree with you.

 

[GutterRat]

Anything that takes away from your marriage - is an affair, IMHO. ANYTHING.

 

[lin1235]

I'm kinda confused on this issue. I agree with most of what was said above, but where I get confused is this: If we say that a deep emotional sharing bond without ANY sexual overtones at all is wrong if it's with a guy other than your husband, or a woman other than your wife, how is this different from me sharing a deep emotional bond with a woman? It just seems like a bit of a double standard if we say that very deep special friendships with people of the same sex is perfect, but a "moderate" friendship with a person of the opposite sex (and by moderate I mean one that doesn't necessarily go as deep as the one with the person of the same sex) is defined as an affair. I do agree that I don't want my husband to share deep emotions with other women, but how do we draw the line? If I say that any platonic relationship with another man could potentially take away from my relationship with my husband, why is it not more of a problem if I regularly share emotions with another woman and I don't share them with my husband?

Just to be clear: I am in no way advocating that we should say deep, emotional, meaningful relationships with a person of the opposite sex are not dangerous! It's just that, if we say sex and sexual overtones need not be a part of the deep relationship to make it an affair, I don't see how this is different from same-sex friendships.

 

[llghoney]

To be an affair I believe it requires that both parties have an attraction of a sexual nature, and that they share it. That doesn't mean you need to have sex, it means you are attracted to them and you are mutually acting on it in some way, even if it is just a meeting.

Having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex who you are not attracted to is not an affair, that's called friendship, (though I'm sure some people don't think this is possible). If part of your reasoning for the contact is a mutual sexual attraction, then you are having an affair, even if you don't do more than meet for coffee.

No sexual attraction = friendship
One of the two attracted to the other = infatuation
Mutual sexual attraction = an affair

I would say I agree with this. You should stear clear of people you are sexually attracted too. One of my best friends was male before I got married & we still remained friends after I got married. Now granted everyone thought he wanted to date me but I had NO desire for him in that way. But if I had I would not have been able to be around him when I got married.

 

[suzybeezy]

Here's my 2 cents. The OP ask how do you define an affair. My definition is when lust occurs in the heart. So I think its possible to have a friendship with an opposite sex member and it not be an affair. It all depends on the intent of your heart.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Many people put people other than their Spouses first. That is not an affair by my definition. That is wrong priorities. Some put Work, Golf, Football, parents, children or siblings/friends/neighbors first. Just wrong yes, even children come second to the spouse if the house is in order.

An affair implies something more clandestine. Something one would not want found out. Not that one is more improper than the other, just that an affair has a sexual connotation.

 

[Leanna]

Hmmmm well I will just share from my personal experience this. The guy I had an affair with I had *absolutely no* sexual attraction to. In fact, I was not physically attracted to him at all. It started first and foremost as a friendship, and, get this, we talked about God, Christianity, the Bible and religion the most. What happened was that over time this friendship got too deep to where when something exciting happened, I wanted to tell *him* more than I wanted to tell my husband. That is a paradigm shift right there, when you start being more excited about communication with the other person than with your husband. Gradually, ever so gradually, as a result of our "harmless friendship" I grew to be attracted to him in inappropriate ways. This happened over the course of more than one year, and for much of that year all conversation was appropriate and permissible.

 

[Leanna]

Here's my 2 cents. The OP ask how do you define an affair. My definition is when lust occurs in the heart. So I think its possible to have a friendship with an opposite sex member and it not be an affair. It all depends on the intent of your heart.

It is possible, so long as the friendship is kept at arm's length because the husband should be the number one friend and confidant.

 

[Jill Ann]

You're exactly right, Leanna.


The problem is not in having friendships with those of the opposite sex, the problem is when people fail to have appropriate boundaries within the friendship. Appropriate boundaries (which should be discussed and agreed upon by you and your spouse) act as the barrier that will protect your marriage from having an outside person get too close.

I firmly believe one of Satan's favorite ploys for destroying marriages is by tricking us into thinking we can get close to opposite sex "friends" without having problems because we don't think we're sexually attracted to them. As Leanna pointed out, the emotional ties we have with others is extremely powerful and if another person is meeting our emotional needs it is almost inevitable that the physical part will enter in there at some point.

Of course not every opposite-sex friendship will lead to an affair, but the staggering numbers of marriages being ruined by this exact scenario should be enough to warn us of the huge risk....why gamble with your marriage?

 

[sanctyfiedsinger]

You're exactly right, Leanna.


The problem is not in having friendships with those of the opposite sex, the problem is when people fail to have appropriate boundaries within the friendship. Appropriate boundaries (which should be discussed and agreed upon by you and your spouse) act as the barrier that will protect your marriage from having an outside person get too close.

I firmly believe one of Satan's favorite ploys for destroying marriages is by tricking us into thinking we can get close to opposite sex "friends" without having problems because we don't think we're sexually attracted to them. As Leanna pointed out, the emotional ties we have with others is extremely powerful and if another person is meeting our emotional needs it is almost inevitable that the physical part will enter in there at some point.

Of course not every opposite-sex friendship will lead to an affair, but the staggering numbers of marriages being ruined by this exact scenario should be enough to warn us of the huge risk....why gamble with your marriage?

I completely agree...Satan will do anything in his power to destroy marriages and families. My husband and I are each other's best friend...and that is what I believe God has meant for us....we have become "one." IMO it's best not to put yourself in a situation to be tempted. It's not worth it!

 

[archigeek]

Pilgrimdon, might I ask for more information on these studies you're talking about? You're paraphrasing them, but could you offer us a link or some more info on what you are quoting from? What studies? By whom or from what book/magazine/website?

I still contend that a platonic relationship is not an affair. I have a friend who is a woman that I have been friends with for ten years with not so much as an inkling of romance involved, and have had another such friend as well who passed away from cancer nearly ten years ago. In both cases, we aren't of the same generation, (both women were/are at least eleven years older than I am). I'm pretty sure that makes it easier for the relationship to be platonic, but in any case neither relationship was an affair. How much more evidence do you need than 25 years of living with that sort of relationship? I'll readily admit however that such a relationship with someone who I am more compatible with would be much more difficult. I'm not sure I could have that sort of relationship with someone I found physically attractive, even in an objective, general sense.

A good test might be to ask yourself if you can share your friendship with your spouse. If not, what's missing from your relationship with your spouse that you are looking for in someone else? If you aren't communicating with your spouse, and are instead seeking out someone else to communicate with, then I'd say you have a whole different set of problems that you need to discuss with your spouse. That doesn't mean you are having an affair, but it does mean that you have serious communication issues that need to be resolved and that some element of your marriage isn't in a healthy state. It could lead to an affair if you don't deal with the underlying issues.

 

[pilgrimdon]

What more input do you want? You clearly think your friend is having an affair. Are we a test case for the arguments you intend to make to her?

I am bothered by people so concerned about emotional affairs that they forbid themselves, and others, from having genuine friendships becasue they might be "friendships" that are really emotional/romantic entanglements. Jesus had friendships with men and women - look at his relationship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus.

There is not disagrement that an emotional/romantic entanglement outside of marriage is wrong, but that does not make friendships wrong. I refuse to live in a world where we keep ourselves so very "safe" that we never do anything that might possibly have any potential for risk. My experience has been that when we do so, it only hypersexualizes any contact between the sexes one does have and that created a sexually charged atmosphere for everyone.

I am struggling with the same thing you mention. I dont want to place the notion that "friendships" are wqorng but I want clarity on when it crosses that line.

 

[pilgrimdon]

Hmmmm well I will just share from my personal experience this. The guy I had an affair with I had *absolutely no* sexual attraction to. In fact, I was not physically attracted to him at all. It started first and foremost as a friendship, and, get this, we talked about God, Christianity, the Bible and religion the most. What happened was that over time this friendship got too deep to where when something exciting happened, I wanted to tell *him* more than I wanted to tell my husband. That is a paradigm shift right there, when you start being more excited about communication with the other person than with your husband. Gradually, ever so gradually, as a result of our "harmless friendship" I grew to be attracted to him in inappropriate ways. This happened over the course of more than one year, and for much of that year all conversation was appropriate and permissible.

Interesting...
Thanks....