How do You Deal?

[ZACTAK]

Whenever someone makes an ignorant comment because they don't understand your abuse, or they think you are making it up or even hiding behind it... how do you react to it and get over it? I have that problem with one of my suitemates, he is very ignorant of the issue and doesn't understand what I went through and so will make very rude remarks about it, or compare me to my father of whom he has never met... that really gets my blood boiling, and I just have a lot of problems dealing with it, does anyone else have this problem?

 

[Velcro]

May G-d bless you.

I don't have your experience, but this is what I have done:
When I admitted the abuse, the reponse I got in the church was, well, far less than supportive. I was trying to work through it, but because Father was a minister in that organization, when I was not getting "bricks" thrown at me, I was up against a "brick wall." There was no support whatsoever. So I had to let it go and quit hoping.

When Father began writing some interesting letters to me, I once again looked for help from the church. None was forthcoming, so I went into counseling. When they learned I was doing that, the pastor suddenly wanted to help. He made many promises, but what I got was one session with him, and he thought that would cure it all. When I asked about returning, he didn't want me to. And not long later, he told me that he didn't believe me.

Remember that this is my experience -- mine alone.

I finally learned that help just was not available, unless I paid for it from a professional. People do not want to deal with damaged or hurting people. If you ask for anything from someone, they back away. People only want a relationship if they are the receivers or if the give-and-take is consistantly equal and tending toward joyous times. They do not want to deal with anyone who is "needy."

For years, I had to learn not to appear needy. I had to quit asking questions and/or talking about what I was dealing with. I had to appear healthier than I really was. As a result, friendships and acquaintances were shallow, not real. And whenever I let down my guard, I paid -- permanently.

All this sounds so negative, but here are the facts for myself: no one can receive the honor for my healings other than G-d, because they refused to be a part of the process. I know, then, where my real help comes from -- it comes from the L-rd. Perhaps we need to learn to lean on other people, to trust, but for me, that was not possible during the difficult times. All of the glory, then, belongs to Him.

 

[wendythepooh]

I really feel for both of you. I was not abused as a child, however I landed myself a verbally/emotionally/and once in great while physically abusive husband. What bothers me the most is people who have never been in, nor known anyone in this situation. I have been told that it was my cross to bear, and that I would be in sin if I left him because I had no solid proof of his adultery. I still struggle with knowing how to handle these comments. My aunt even said that a bad man was better than no man.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I think it's hard when people don't understand and sometimes make hurtful comments. I've had a few people accidently make hurtful comments and they have realsied it and apologised. There was one person who harrassed me for details of my abuse - way more details than what anybody needed to know... he wasn't particularly close to me but felt it was his right to know so he could try to help me!!! He harrassed me so much that I had to get someone to ask him to back off because it really upset me and at the time I really didn't need that - anyway the person still doesn't believe that he did anything wrong!!!

 

[Velcro]

Wendy, I am sorry about what you went through. And wow, Diva. It is too bad, because perhaps he meant to be kind, but he was still hurtful. People without either the experience or knowledge often seem to think they know what is best, but when it comes to reality, they are clueless.