How do you deal with it?

[Bigun]

How do you deal with it?

The sarcasm...
The swearing...
The depression...

The constant barrage of things that your spouse does that brings you down.

 

[c1ners]

How do you deal with it?

The sarcasm...
The swearing...
The depression...

The constant barrage of things that your spouse does that brings you down.

I don't know if I should be the one answering this question or not because right now I feel like screaming, yelling, and throwing things, but it normally helps to go to God when things get too rough. Let him be your strength.Give him control. Even if things dont get better, you'll feel stronger.

Sorry I couldn't help more.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like my ex-husband. I didn't deal with it very well either. I spent a lot of time praying and crying. It is such a lonely feeling to be in a place where you don't want to be. I just dealt with it the best I could. I had some friends that I could talk to, but only a few. I couldn't talk to my family about what was going on because they were 2500 miles away and felt helpless when I told them how he was treating me. No one should have to deal with it, but try to put your faith in God and HE will deliver you. Again, I am truely sorry you are feeling this way. Oh, yeah, read the bible too.

 

[free4all]

Hi Bigun,

Welcome to CF.

Well, I've dealt with it in a variety of ways over the years, depending on the situation and a lot of things. Some options are better than others, but I'll be honest with you about what I've done.

I've gone face to face and battled back during arguments.

I've calmly refuted every charge she threw at me. This infuriates her the most.

I've refused to discuss anything with her when she began to become irrational. I recommend this if your wife often loses control of her temper or emotions, and I especially recommend this if you think she would become violent or call the police and try to have you arrested.

I've left the house and spent the night elsewhere when she was irrational and intent on pursuing a violent argument. Maybe your wife doesn't lose control of herself like mine does.

I've located a few hole-in-the-wall restaurants around town I can eat at, ones that don't damage my budget. This can kill an hour or so easily.

I've gone to church just to get away from her. I live in a large metro area, and some churches have services at other than the normal Wed and Sunday services. This can take up the whole evening. So when she is really out of control, I'll just do that.

And just going to the regular service weekly is important for me. Even though I usually pay a price of stoney silence for going, I'm not going to let that deter my worship and service to God, nor will I let it hamper my association with other Christians. This is probably the most important one of all.

I've sat in the the parking lot of a convenience store, and in the parking lot of Walmart, because that was better than going home to her.

I've taken up hiking/jogging in the woods.

What I should have done earlier on is held her accountable for her actions. I'm reading the book Boundaries in Marriage now and I realize it is good to hold her accountable for the things she does that damage our marriage. Following the advice in the first few chapters of this book (I just started) has had more impact than anything else I've ever done. I confront her on a regular basis now for her destructive behavior. She will either:

1. Alter her behavior.
2. Leave.
3. Have me thrown out, which our marriage would then be over.
4. Learn to live with constant rebuke, which she cannot handle because she thinks she is always right.

Do you have kids? I stayed so I could be a Daddy to my daughter and so the cycle of hating men hopefully wouldn't repeat. I paid a price no one should have to pay, but I did it for my daughter, for a witness to my wife, and out of obedience to God. My daughter is older now, old enough to understand her Mom is irrational at times. Old enough to fare better if we do separate. But if we had divorced earlier, and I'd married again, that had the possibility of showing my daughter what a real marriage could be like. So it's not the end of the world if you have kids and divorce.

I hope you have a good church you can go to. I only found CF a couple months ago...wish I'd found this place earlier.

I'm praying for you. I know it is difficult, but any price you have to pay is worth it to follow and seek after God. Decide you are not going to let her bring you down, and do whatever it takes, no matter the cost.

 

[Battle Maiden]

How do you deal with it?

The sarcasm...
The swearing...
The depression...

The constant barrage of things that your spouse does that brings you down.

I understand were you are coming from, I too have had to deal with this in the past. But when I started to open up and get really close to God he would show me my husbands heart. So then I was able to pray for change. Sometimes the swearing and the sarcasm is due to a underlying problem. Ask God to show you and he will. When someone is like that it is usally because they are not happy with themselves. If you ask God for insight and wisdom he will give it in great measure.

Battle Maiden

 

[Bigun]

Hi Bigun,

Welcome to CF.

Well, I've dealt with it in a variety of ways over the years, depending on the situation and a lot of things. Some options are better than others, but I'll be honest with you about what I've done.

I've gone face to face and battled back during arguments.

I've calmly refuted every charge she threw at me. This infuriates her the most.

I've refused to discuss anything with her when she began to become irrational. I recommend this if your wife often loses control of her temper or emotions, and I especially recommend this if you think she would become violent or call the police and try to have you arrested.

I've left the house and spent the night elsewhere when she was irrational and intent on pursuing a violent argument. Maybe your wife doesn't lose control of herself like mine does.

I've located a few hole-in-the-wall restaurants around town I can eat at, ones that don't damage my budget. This can kill an hour or so easily.

I've gone to church just to get away from her. I live in a large metro area, and some churches have services at other than the normal Wed and Sunday services. This can take up the whole evening. So when she is really out of control, I'll just do that.

And just going to the regular service weekly is important for me. Even though I usually pay a price of stoney silence for going, I'm not going to let that deter my worship and service to God, nor will I let it hamper my association with other Christians. This is probably the most important one of all.

I've sat in the the parking lot of a convenience store, and in the parking lot of Walmart, because that was better than going home to her.

I've taken up hiking/jogging in the woods.

What I should have done earlier on is held her accountable for her actions. I'm reading the book Boundaries in Marriage now and I realize it is good to hold her accountable for the things she does that damage our marriage. Following the advice in the first few chapters of this book (I just started) has had more impact than anything else I've ever done. I confront her on a regular basis now for her destructive behavior. She will either:

1. Alter her behavior.
2. Leave.
3. Have me thrown out, which our marriage would then be over.
4. Learn to live with constant rebuke, which she cannot handle because she thinks she is always right.

Do you have kids? I stayed so I could be a Daddy to my daughter and so the cycle of hating men hopefully wouldn't repeat. I paid a price no one should have to pay, but I did it for my daughter, for a witness to my wife, and out of obedience to God. My daughter is older now, old enough to understand her Mom is irrational at times. Old enough to fare better if we do separate. But if we had divorced earlier, and I'd married again, that had the possibility of showing my daughter what a real marriage could be like. So it's not the end of the world if you have kids and divorce.

I hope you have a good church you can go to. I only found CF a couple months ago...wish I'd found this place earlier.

I'm praying for you. I know it is difficult, but any price you have to pay is worth it to follow and seek after God. Decide you are not going to let her bring you down, and do whatever it takes, no matter the cost.

I thought I was the only one dealing with the yelling and the irrational behavior.

It's comforting to know other people are dealing with this same issue.

*EDIT*

No, no kids. I simply am staying with her because when I became a christian, the bible stated that adultry is the only valid reason for divorce.

 

[AbidingInHim]

1Peter 3:1-2 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear
To be chaste is to be modest, morally strict, innocent, pure in thought and act, simple in design,


I can't say I am always capable of it but being mild meek and prayerflu is how we are called to handle it.....I will tell him that I do not enjoy his ugly language and say how he's making me feel

 

[savedbygracebre]

Hi Bigun,

Welcome to CF.

Well, I've dealt with it in a variety of ways over the years, depending on the situation and a lot of things. Some options are better than others, but I'll be honest with you about what I've done.

I've gone face to face and battled back during arguments.

I've calmly refuted every charge she threw at me. This infuriates her the most.

I've refused to discuss anything with her when she began to become irrational. I recommend this if your wife often loses control of her temper or emotions, and I especially recommend this if you think she would become violent or call the police and try to have you arrested.

I've left the house and spent the night elsewhere when she was irrational and intent on pursuing a violent argument. Maybe your wife doesn't lose control of herself like mine does.

I've located a few hole-in-the-wall restaurants around town I can eat at, ones that don't damage my budget. This can kill an hour or so easily.

I've gone to church just to get away from her. I live in a large metro area, and some churches have services at other than the normal Wed and Sunday services. This can take up the whole evening. So when she is really out of control, I'll just do that.

And just going to the regular service weekly is important for me. Even though I usually pay a price of stoney silence for going, I'm not going to let that deter my worship and service to God, nor will I let it hamper my association with other Christians. This is probably the most important one of all.

I've sat in the the parking lot of a convenience store, and in the parking lot of Walmart, because that was better than going home to her.

I've taken up hiking/jogging in the woods.

What I should have done earlier on is held her accountable for her actions. I'm reading the book Boundaries in Marriage now and I realize it is good to hold her accountable for the things she does that damage our marriage. Following the advice in the first few chapters of this book (I just started) has had more impact than anything else I've ever done. I confront her on a regular basis now for her destructive behavior. She will either:

1. Alter her behavior.
2. Leave.
3. Have me thrown out, which our marriage would then be over.
4. Learn to live with constant rebuke, which she cannot handle because she thinks she is always right.

Do you have kids? I stayed so I could be a Daddy to my daughter and so the cycle of hating men hopefully wouldn't repeat. I paid a price no one should have to pay, but I did it for my daughter, for a witness to my wife, and out of obedience to God. My daughter is older now, old enough to understand her Mom is irrational at times. Old enough to fare better if we do separate. But if we had divorced earlier, and I'd married again, that had the possibility of showing my daughter what a real marriage could be like. So it's not the end of the world if you have kids and divorce.

I hope you have a good church you can go to. I only found CF a couple months ago...wish I'd found this place earlier.

I'm praying for you. I know it is difficult, but any price you have to pay is worth it to follow and seek after God. Decide you are not going to let her bring you down, and do whatever it takes, no matter the cost.

Clearly i can se that you are a fellow brother in Christ and that we also share somewhat the same kind of life. My wife, however, believes: she just hasn't accepted Christ and refuses to read the Bible.Iwill pray for you and God bless. By the way i will be praying for God's grace towards you Bigun to help you resolve your conflicts also.

 

[free4all]

Thank you for your kind words and prayers, savedbygracebre. I pray your wife comes to know God. I pray for all of us in this situation.

Bigun, how's it going?

 

[Bigun]

Thank you for your kind words and prayers, savedbygracebre. I pray your wife comes to know God. I pray for all of us in this situation.

Bigun, how's it going?

It always seems to go somewhat well until I do something with God. This morning she found my tithe check and became livid.

She first took the check from me and told me that I wasn't going to give money to the church, I would be better off giving it to someone who actually needed it. Along with that she called my Christianity a front and that it was all an 'act'.

Without going into too much detail you guys can probably fill in the blanks from there. In the end, I still went to church and I still payed my tithe.

At times I don't know what to do, it's hard to keep my voice down and keep my cool when someone is doing almost everything within their power to control you.

 

[WashedClean]

Hi Bigun

Regarding the tithing issue, is it possible to ask her where she would like your tithe to go? In other words, maybe you could find a Christian charity that you both agree on (or any charity for that matter, as long as it's feeding the poor, clothing the naked, etc). Perhaps she thinks giving it all to the church is not something she's comfortable with, so maybe you could give her a choice? I'm not saying not to tithe, but at least engage her in the activity?

Not sure if this is an option, but I felt lead to share it. God bless you!

Jill/WashedClean

 

[free4all]

Hi Bigun,

Jill has a great suggestion, if it's reasonable for your situation and you feel peace about it. I had similar situations years ago every time I paid my tithe. It always generated arguments. I got sick of it. I'll tell you what I did, although I'm making no recommendations. And I'm sure to rankle some who will read this, but here goes:

Because we would have the same old argument after every payday when I would tithe, I finally got a separate checking account and paid the tithe from that. So although she knew I was probably tithing, it removed a trigger for her anger. So now I just get the silent treatment for that once a year after tax time, rather than every payday throughout the year. For my situation, it was a good thing. Maybe not for everyone's.

My life or marriage are not ones to model, judging from the current situation with my wife. But I continued to tithe because I knew God expected me to. I used to wonder what I would say to God about giving when I got to heaven if I didn't give because of my wife. I hear Him asking me why I didn't give. And then I hear myself saying, "Well, because my wife didn't want me to." I don't think that would be a sufficient answer. I gave because I believe it's scriptural to do so, and because it's my choice to do it, not my wife's.

I can't speak for the situation where the wife is the believer, but for you and I, we are the heads of our households. It is our decision. If my wife wants to make an issue of it, so be it. But the decision is still mine.

I don't know your wife, but my wife tries to be controlling over everything. If your wife is similar, you will have to draw the line about what you will or won't allow her to control.

After praying about it, do what you feel peace with.

Glad to see you are still here.

Wayne

 

[Bigun]

Hi Bigun,

Jill has a great suggestion, if it's reasonable for your situation and you feel peace about it. I had similar situations years ago every time I paid my tithe. It always generated arguments. I got sick of it. I'll tell you what I did, although I'm making no recommendations. And I'm sure to rankle some who will read this, but here goes:

Because we would have the same old argument after every payday when I would tithe, I finally got a separate checking account and paid the tithe from that. So although she knew I was probably tithing, it removed a trigger for her anger. So now I just get the silent treatment for that once a year after tax time, rather than every payday throughout the year. For my situation, it was a good thing. Maybe not for everyone's.

My life or marriage are not ones to model, judging from the current situation with my wife. But I continued to tithe because I knew God expected me to. I used to wonder what I would say to God about giving when I got to heaven if I didn't give because of my wife. I hear Him asking me why I didn't give. And then I hear myself saying, "Well, because my wife didn't want me to." I don't think that would be a sufficient answer. I gave because I believe it's scriptural to do so, and because it's my choice to do it, not my wife's.

I can't speak for the situation where the wife is the believer, but for you and I, we are the heads of our households. It is our decision. If my wife wants to make an issue of it, so be it. But the decision is still mine.

I don't know your wife, but my wife tries to be controlling over everything. If your wife is similar, you will have to draw the line about what you will or won't allow her to control.

After praying about it, do what you feel peace with.

Glad to see you are still here.

Wayne

Sounds like our wives came from the same gene pool Wayne.

See, what's odd about Jill's suggestion is that my wife suggested the very same thing. But it seems she has more animosity to me giving money to the church rather than giving it to God.

So the question is this: Is it the same as tithing if your tithe money went to a worthy cause (homeless shelter, etc.)?

Another better question is this another attempt at her to control me? And if so, would compromising on this be an issue?

As far as the seperate checking account, that was one of the first things I mentioned, but for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do that. *shrug* I'm just plain confused.

 

[free4all]

Sounds like our wives came from the same gene pool Wayne.

See, what's odd about Jill's suggestion is that my wife suggested the very same thing. But it seems she has more animosity to me giving money to the church rather than giving it to God.

So the question is this: Is it the same as tithing if your tithe money went to a worthy cause (homeless shelter, etc.)?

Another better question is this another attempt at her to control me? And if so, would compromising on this be an issue?

As far as the seperate checking account, that was one of the first things I mentioned, but for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do that. *shrug* I'm just plain confused.

Same gene pool? Honestly, I'm sorry for you. My wife's issues stem from her poor relationship with her father, which she transferred to all men, especially me. My FIL is laying on his death bed now, and she's preparing to go see him. One last chance, perhaps, for her to deal with issues between them.

And your wife's animosity about giving to the church (same as mine)...could be she doesn't like churches, or authority, or male authority, or like you said, just trying to control you. Who knows. If you determine it is an issue of her trying to control you, well, IMO it would be time for you to not compromise on that one. The more you allow a controlling person to control you, the more they will continue.

Is it the same as giving to the church if you give to another worthy cause? Depends on which Pastor you ask. I would not dismiss it out of hand, as every situation is different and requires prayer for God's wisdom. I will say that my Pastor doesn't believe it is the same. He often quotes Malachi 3:10, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house" as being a reference to giving to the local church you are attending. And the churches need income to survive.

And of course she doesn't want a separate checking account. That would be less control for her, or perhaps she likes to share everything with total openness in a marriage. I was like that once. But when it's only one-way, it gets old after awhile.

When I felt convicted to tithe years ago, I knew the only way I could ensure it would happen was to have separate checking accounts. Otherwise, my wife could spend the money before I was able to tithe. Or hide the money somewhere. So I didn't ask her permission. I did it. And you know what? I had money to tithe. And I obeyed and pleased God. That is worth more to me than letting her control everything. Do I pay a price? Yes. Will I be rewarded in heaven? I expect so. Would I do it again? Absolutely.

For me, it boiled down to one thing: am I willing to obey God? Adam chose his wife's opinion over God's instruction, and look at the price paid for that. My wife wouldn't compromise or agree to tithing, so I took the only action I knew would ensure I would obey God. Some things are not worth compromising over.

So, if she gets mad at you, perhaps she will withhold sex from you as a punishment. God will deal with that in His own time.

Again, I'm no expert at relationships, but I do know that my wife will try to control everything I do unless I take a stand and say enough. I don't remember how long you've been married (sorry), but if that is an issue between you, the sooner you refuse to allow her to control you, the better.

I'm no expert, but I've been to hell and back many times in this relationship. Hope you fare better.

Wayne

 

[Bigun]

Same gene pool? Honestly, I'm sorry for you. My wife's issues stem from her poor relationship with her father, which she transferred to all men, especially me. My FIL is laying on his death bed now, and she's preparing to go see him. One last chance, perhaps, for her to deal with issues between them.

And your wife's animosity about giving to the church (same as mine)...could be she doesn't like churches, or authority, or male authority, or like you said, just trying to control you. Who knows. If you determine it is an issue of her trying to control you, well, IMO it would be time for you to not compromise on that one. The more you allow a controlling person to control you, the more they will continue.

Is it the same as giving to the church if you give to another worthy cause? Depends on which Pastor you ask. I would not dismiss it out of hand, as every situation is different and requires prayer for God's wisdom. I will say that my Pastor doesn't believe it is the same. He often quotes Malachi 3:10, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house" as being a reference to giving to the local church you are attending. And the churches need income to survive.

And of course she doesn't want a separate checking account. That would be less control for her, or perhaps she likes to share everything with total openness in a marriage. I was like that once. But when it's only one-way, it gets old after awhile.

When I felt convicted to tithe years ago, I knew the only way I could ensure it would happen was to have separate checking accounts. Otherwise, my wife could spend the money before I was able to tithe. Or hide the money somewhere. So I didn't ask her permission. I did it. And you know what? I had money to tithe. And I obeyed and pleased God. That is worth more to me than letting her control everything. Do I pay a price? Yes. Will I be rewarded in heaven? I expect so. Would I do it again? Absolutely.

For me, it boiled down to one thing: am I willing to obey God? Adam chose his wife's opinion over God's instruction, and look at the price paid for that. My wife wouldn't compromise or agree to tithing, so I took the only action I knew would ensure I would obey God. Some things are not worth compromising over.

So, if she gets mad at you, perhaps she will withhold sex from you as a punishment. God will deal with that in His own time.

Again, I'm no expert at relationships, but I do know that my wife will try to control everything I do unless I take a stand and say enough. I don't remember how long you've been married (sorry), but if that is an issue between you, the sooner you refuse to allow her to control you, the better.

I'm no expert, but I've been to hell and back many times in this relationship. Hope you fare better.

Wayne

I believe my wife's issues stem from her father being *completely* controlled by her mother for her entire life. Her mother has been known to be physically and verbally abusive towards him over everything. Her control borderlines psychotic IMHO.

And when I spoke to her about giving 10% to the church, at first she was angry about giving it to the church, then it was about giving a whole 10%, she throws that "I don't compromise" in my face, and I'm clueless as if she means it or if she is just tryinng to control. I really need to do some praying to God about this, he's the only one with a clue at the moment.

 

[free4all]

I believe my wife's issues stem from her father being *completely* controlled by her mother for her entire life. Her mother has been known to be physically and verbally abusive towards him over everything. Her control borderlines psychotic IMHO.

And when I spoke to her about giving 10% to the church, at first she was angry about giving it to the church, then it was about giving a whole 10%, she throws that "I don't compromise" in my face, and I'm clueless as if she means it or if she is just tryinng to control. I really need to do some praying to God about this, he's the only one with a clue at the moment.

So, our wives are similar. They grew up with the Mom controlling everything, and now they want to do the same.

I do not believe a husband can be domineered by his wife unless the husband allows it. I tried to get along and seek peace for a long time, because peace in the home is good. But now I realize my wife does want to control every facet of my life. And I will not allow that. Will it lead to divisiveness? Yes. How long? As long as she is here and wants to control.

Men in this situation have a couple options:
1. Lay down and let the wife make all the decisions.
2. Fight for and take control of the decisions that are ours to make. If the wife doesn't want to compromise and be reasonable, so be it.

Anybody have any literature they can recommend on this?

You've got a long road ahead of you, depending on how stubborn your wife is. I am seeing this issue clearer all the time.

I am praying about it much, but I am putting my battle gear on. It'll be a cold day in hell before I let her run my life like a Mommy with a two-year-old.

 

[Bigun]

So, our wives are similar. They grew up with the Mom controlling everything, and now they want to do the same.

I do not believe a husband can be domineered by his wife unless the husband allows it. I tried to get along and seek peace for a long time, because peace in the home is good. But now I realize my wife does want to control every facet of my life. And I will not allow that. Will it lead to divisiveness? Yes. How long? As long as she is here and wants to control.

Men in this situation have a couple options:
1. Lay down and let the wife make all the decisions.
2. Fight for and take control of the decisions that are ours to make. If the wife doesn't want to compromise and be reasonable, so be it.

Anybody have any literature they can recommend on this?

You've got a long road ahead of you, depending on how stubborn your wife is. I am seeing this issue clearer all the time.

I am praying about it much, but I am putting my battle gear on. It'll be a cold day in hell before I let her run my life like a Mommy with a two-year-old.

 

[Bigun]

Well, things did not go well tonight.

My wife decided she was going out with a friend Saturday evening. I was ok with this, only because we had discussed her going out maybe once a month and not staying out near as late as she was.

Well, she has only been back a matter of two weeks, and she is going out, which is a bit soon, but I overlook it. Then, I have some friends over here to keep me company until she got home. We had our fun, they left at an appropriate time, 1 AM or so.

1 AM rolled around.... then 2.... then 2:30. At this point I called her and begin to discuss with her about what we had discussed. She said that she wanted to stay until the club closed (3 AM), I told her she needed to come home now and act like a wife. I let her know I was very upset and that she needed to get home soon. So, I make every attempt to make myself go to sleep. I get a call around 4 AM, it's my wife letting me know she is off to grab something to eat before she comes home, at this point I'm becoming livid, but I let it go one last time. 5 AM rolls around, and I'm boiling at this point. I call her up to let her know the doors are locked and that she needed to find another place to sleep, and that the next time we talk it will be about her going out or about who get's what in the divorce.

I feel like I am being stepped on as a husband and as a person, and I don't believe for one second that I am important in her life anymore. She even said herself over the phone this very night, that "other things" are more important in her life than me. That was all I needed to hear.

 

[free4all]

Hi Bigun,

Sorry to hear about that. Don't know if I have any wisdom on this matter, judging from the current condition of my marriage. But I'll share with you what God has been teaching me. Maybe it will apply to you, and maybe not.

I was with some friend's last night, and one of them is a chaplain. I haven't revealed much about my situation to him. He starts telling us about people he counsels with marriage/relationship issues. He mentions a lot of verses. So this morning I decide to search out all of them and read them. I get to Genesis 3:16, where as a result of their sin God is telling Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

This isn't real clear to me, so I read it in 5 translations.

KJV thy desire shall be to thy husband
NIV Your desire will be for your husband
NLT your desire will be for your husband
AMP your desire and craving will be for your husband
ESV your desire shall be for* your husband (*in footnote, "against")

KJV and he shall rull over thee
NIV and he will rule over you
NLT he will be your master
AMP he will rule over you
ESV he shall rule over you

It's still not clear to me, so I look up the main words in my Strong's Concordance to find out the Hebrew meanings:

desire: a stretching out after: a longing.
rule: to rule, have dominion, govern, reign.

It's still not real clear to me. Then I accidentally notice the same Hebrew root words are used in Genesis 4:7 when God is talking to Cain after Cain killed Abel. God says,

KJV And unto thee shall be his desire
NIV (sin) desires to have you
NLT Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you
AMP (sin's) desire is for you
ESV (sin's) desire is for* you (*in footnote, "against")

KJV thou shalt rule over him
NIV you must master it
NLT you must subdue it
AMP you must master it
ESV you must rule over it

The same Hebrew word is used for the woman's desire for her husband, as well as sin's desire for Cain. The same Hebrew word is used for instruction to Adam as well as instruction to Cain: they must rule over it.

So it seems to me (as part of the punishment for sin) the woman's innate desire is to control the husband, as is sin's desire to control us. But we must rule over both.

So at this point I've probably rankled a lot of females reading this. And there's a whole lot more to relationships than just not allowing our wives to control us. Should we respond in love? Yes. A lot of New Testament verses give detailed instructions on how to love our wives and deal with them. But I haven't got that far yet in my current study.

From what limited information you've given, it seems like your wife is not respecting you or your desires, and wants to control every aspect of her life without interference from you.

I think God is clear in His instruction to husands, that we have dominion of some nature over our wives, and that we are not to allow them control, just as we are not to allow sin control in our lives. No, ladies, I am not comparing women to sin. But perhaps we are to deal with the unchecked sinful nature of wives the same way we are to deal with other sinful influences in our lives: do not give it any place in our lives, don't overlook it, and don't allow it control.

(For the record, I do not believe females are intrinsically more sinful than males. We all have our issues to deal with: we are all sinners and need God's help in every aspect of our lives.)

So I say all that to say this: I don't think the right path for you to take is to overlook this. I think holding her accountable for her actions is the right thing to do. If you do not hold her accountable, expect more of the same of her doing exactly what she wants regardless of your concerns or desires. I don't think that's healthy in a marriage, regardless of who is doing the selfish behavior, whether it's the husband or the wife.

I'm curious: when you said you would lock the doors, doesn't she have a key? Or did you mean lock from the inside? Another option (here's where I offend more people) is to change the lock. Probably only takes a screwdriver and another similar doorknob with a different core.

So, I've probably offended enough people this morning, but I do think you are right to not overlook something like this, especially after you two have talked about it.

One further word of concern: I wouldn't recommend you pursuing divorce because of God's viewpoint on divorce and remarriage. If you divorce her for an unbiblical reason, God may not recognize any further marriage. What I would recommend is to hold her accountable for her actions, especially the destructive ones like this. At some point in a marriage it's good to overlook some offenses, but I don't think that applies to your current situation.

If you continue to hold her accountable, and not overlook situations like this, she may alter her behavior, or she may divorce you. If she divorces you and you tried everything you could (short of allowing her control in every issue), IMO you are free to remarry. I know it's a little early to be thinking along those lines, but I just want to caution you about you filing for divorce immediately.

Hold her accountable, be available to work on the marriage (as it sounds like you are), and if she chooses to divorce you, then that is her choice.

One final disclaimer: If I think I am such an expert, why is my marriage in such a bad condition? Well, obviously I still have issues to work on. But I have learned that I cannot force another adult (my wife) to make the right choices, no matter how destructive her choices are to our lives and our marriage. At some point, Bigun, you and I have to stand up and say, "Enough." I think I've reached that point. How about you?

 

[jillluvsjesus]

Very prayerfully. Always remember to keep a balance so your spouse doesnt feel threatened by your relationship with God. I found the best book that deals with the subject is "Unequally Yoked" by Kaye Edwards. It changed my life and my outlook.

Other readings I have found helpful are Chuck and Nancy Missler's "The Way of Agape" followed immediately by "Why Should I be the First to Change" and the "Power of a Praying Wife" (there is one for the men also..."Power of a Praying Husband") by Stormie O'Martian.

God bless.