My husband informed me 2 nights ago that he wanted a divorce.His timing is horrible because i am pregnant,have 3 other kids and only work part time(not enough to cover rent and bills).He says that he doesn't think he's good enough for me and that i deserve better when in reality i found him having an inappropriate relationship online.I don't know how to cope i'm very angry and hurt,What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife to fend for herself and 3 kids 1 on the way?????We have been through alot in our marriage but i didn't see this coming since things had been going better.Sometimes i start o go into a rage in my mind and i want to destroy all of his things or i just cant stop crying at times.I don't have any family where i am so my support system is not near me.How do you cope when you feel so terribly awful?????????
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How do you cope?
- Thread starter Lovey
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dayhiker
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- Sep 13, 2006
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Hi Lovey,
I'm not good wth much of what your going thru. But there are somethings that I'd suggest.
Are you in counceling? Who is helping you thru what you have been thru so far? Continue to relay one them.
Don't think of him not having responcibility for the kids. They are his kids as well, start saying he has to provide for them and take them for his share of the time.
So see a laywer and get some understanding of your legal position. Lawyers give one hour free to help you choose who your laywer will be.
Do you have a church that can support you? Talk to them.
I hope that helps some. I'll say a prayer for you.
dayhiker
I'm not good wth much of what your going thru. But there are somethings that I'd suggest.
Are you in counceling? Who is helping you thru what you have been thru so far? Continue to relay one them.
Don't think of him not having responcibility for the kids. They are his kids as well, start saying he has to provide for them and take them for his share of the time.
So see a laywer and get some understanding of your legal position. Lawyers give one hour free to help you choose who your laywer will be.
Do you have a church that can support you? Talk to them.
I hope that helps some. I'll say a prayer for you.
dayhiker
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TexasSky
Senior Veteran
Well, he is right about one thing. He isn't good enough for you.
If you are in the United States you have certain legal rights, and he has certain legal responsibilities. Contact a lawyer right away. In Texas he is required to continue paying whatever he paid prior to separation until a legal ruling is made by the court.
He is also going to be required to pay child support on all four children, and in some states he will be required to pay alimony to you.
As to dealing with the anger - you need to be able to vent some of that. Find a counselor if you can. Let your doctor know what is going on too. This stress can't be good on the baby you are carrying.
What kind of relationship do you have with your inlaws? Can you talk to them about how to help your children?
Channel that anger into useful things. Sit down and figure out what you absolutely have to have and what you don't. Look for a good attorney. Do not let them talk you into not fighting for what your children and you need to survive.
My ex literally lost his mind, per doctors, and I had to pick up the pieces. I was not about to give him "standard visitation" given the mental health issues, but I was told, "No judge in Texas will give you better visitation or better child support." A woman in my office said, "Nonsense. Whatever he will sign off on is what you CAN get." So I wrote out my own decree, being careful to be as fair as I could to my ex, and to provide clauses for the judge to fall back on, then sent it to my attorney, who said, "They'll NEVER go for this." said, "If I can get him to sign off on it will they?" He said, "Well, probably." I called my ex and said, "You and I know the truth. The bottom line is, I will protect my children, no matter what. So, are you going to sign this, or are we going to present our evidence in court?" He signed.
As a result I got the standard child support in Texas per child, PLUS, an agreement that he would reimburse 1/2 of all expenses related to medical care, school activities, and special child-related activities such as orchestra and sports. (Generally speaking, child suport does not cover that. It covers, supposedly, what it costs to feed and clothe a child, and that's it.) That he would pay for all house repairs necessary at the time he moved out of the house. (I was willing to fall back on 1/2 of those if I had to). That visitation would NOT be six months here, or 2 weeks there. It would be up to the children (they were old enough), and he could see them whenever they were willing to see him, for as long as they wanted to see him. The "fall back" clause was that if he had any reason to feel this was not working, we could fall back onto the standard Texas visitation arrangements. I also had him sign another arrangement to assist with paying for college tuition if the children go into college right out of high school. Within reasonable limits of course. I asked that the children remain living in the house until the children graduated, and stated, in writing, that if it came to standard "6 months here, 6 months there" visitation, that I would move out for 6 months and let him move in with the children, rather than force them to give up their friends, school, pets, etc. He ended up just giving me the house on the grounds I paid the rest of the mortgage.
This will NOT be easy.
It WILL be possible though.
Once you get through the initial pain and shock, and the anger, you may find that life is easier. No more fighting in the house every day. No more wondering what will happen next. You'll deal with the day to day stress of life the way you dealt with it before, without having to deal with the ex-spouse on top of it.
DO let your church family, friends, family and the school know what is going on. The school counselors and teachers can help your children deal with this.
Don't trash your spouse to your kids.
Do look for a full time job, or insist on a settlement that pays you support up to six months post delivery. Do insist that he pay for 1/2 of all child care related expenses caused by you having to go to work full time.
If you are in the United States you have certain legal rights, and he has certain legal responsibilities. Contact a lawyer right away. In Texas he is required to continue paying whatever he paid prior to separation until a legal ruling is made by the court.
He is also going to be required to pay child support on all four children, and in some states he will be required to pay alimony to you.
As to dealing with the anger - you need to be able to vent some of that. Find a counselor if you can. Let your doctor know what is going on too. This stress can't be good on the baby you are carrying.
What kind of relationship do you have with your inlaws? Can you talk to them about how to help your children?
Channel that anger into useful things. Sit down and figure out what you absolutely have to have and what you don't. Look for a good attorney. Do not let them talk you into not fighting for what your children and you need to survive.
My ex literally lost his mind, per doctors, and I had to pick up the pieces. I was not about to give him "standard visitation" given the mental health issues, but I was told, "No judge in Texas will give you better visitation or better child support." A woman in my office said, "Nonsense. Whatever he will sign off on is what you CAN get." So I wrote out my own decree, being careful to be as fair as I could to my ex, and to provide clauses for the judge to fall back on, then sent it to my attorney, who said, "They'll NEVER go for this." said, "If I can get him to sign off on it will they?" He said, "Well, probably." I called my ex and said, "You and I know the truth. The bottom line is, I will protect my children, no matter what. So, are you going to sign this, or are we going to present our evidence in court?" He signed.
As a result I got the standard child support in Texas per child, PLUS, an agreement that he would reimburse 1/2 of all expenses related to medical care, school activities, and special child-related activities such as orchestra and sports. (Generally speaking, child suport does not cover that. It covers, supposedly, what it costs to feed and clothe a child, and that's it.) That he would pay for all house repairs necessary at the time he moved out of the house. (I was willing to fall back on 1/2 of those if I had to). That visitation would NOT be six months here, or 2 weeks there. It would be up to the children (they were old enough), and he could see them whenever they were willing to see him, for as long as they wanted to see him. The "fall back" clause was that if he had any reason to feel this was not working, we could fall back onto the standard Texas visitation arrangements. I also had him sign another arrangement to assist with paying for college tuition if the children go into college right out of high school. Within reasonable limits of course. I asked that the children remain living in the house until the children graduated, and stated, in writing, that if it came to standard "6 months here, 6 months there" visitation, that I would move out for 6 months and let him move in with the children, rather than force them to give up their friends, school, pets, etc. He ended up just giving me the house on the grounds I paid the rest of the mortgage.
This will NOT be easy.
It WILL be possible though.
Once you get through the initial pain and shock, and the anger, you may find that life is easier. No more fighting in the house every day. No more wondering what will happen next. You'll deal with the day to day stress of life the way you dealt with it before, without having to deal with the ex-spouse on top of it.
DO let your church family, friends, family and the school know what is going on. The school counselors and teachers can help your children deal with this.
Don't trash your spouse to your kids.
Do look for a full time job, or insist on a settlement that pays you support up to six months post delivery. Do insist that he pay for 1/2 of all child care related expenses caused by you having to go to work full time.
Upvote
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My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can suggest is pray a lot. I know that may seem like I'm simplifying things but it truly helps and honestly works. You, your pregnancy and the children have to be what is most important right now. The resources and the people here are helpful too, so post often. May God lift you and protect you during this painful time.
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QUALITYWOMAN
Senior Member
HI LOVLEY, I HAD MY HUSBAND WALK OUT ON ME TO. I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. GOD SUPPLIED ALL MY NEEDS A MY PRAYER IS THAT HE WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU. I PRAY THAT GOD WILL DO SOMETHING EXTRORDINARY IN YOUR LIFE. 
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SearcherKris
Regular Member
There is a resource for people who are going through divorce and separation. It is for spiritual and emotional support. It is a non-denominational Christian support group. If there is not a local group which meets near you, you can also recieve daily e-mails and there is an on-line study.
http://www.divorcecare.com/
They also have DivorceCare for kids. DC4K
Child care is usually provided at the meetings.
http://www.divorcecare.com/
They also have DivorceCare for kids. DC4K
Child care is usually provided at the meetings.
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I definitely agree that speaking with a lawyer is necessary. They can give you a lot of insight on what can be done to provide for your family.
Counseling may help also, especially if you don't have family close by. Plus, they are impartial, which has helped me to get some of my issues out on the table without my family's emotions getting involved. My kids have been a big source of comfort for me, giving me joy to focus on when I need it the most.
You are in my prayers.
Counseling may help also, especially if you don't have family close by. Plus, they are impartial, which has helped me to get some of my issues out on the table without my family's emotions getting involved. My kids have been a big source of comfort for me, giving me joy to focus on when I need it the most.
You are in my prayers.
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L
littlenova
Guest
that's such a sad situation,i'm so sorry. my hug 4 u.
i am just days away from being divoriced,i am in massive heartache as i dont want it and he's got mental problems and i dont really think he wants it but the papers are done and feb 1st it's done with. coping? i dont know if i am,i jsut go through the motions and i cry more than i've cried in a long time. what helps me is knowing he still luvs me.
i am just days away from being divoriced,i am in massive heartache as i dont want it and he's got mental problems and i dont really think he wants it but the papers are done and feb 1st it's done with. coping? i dont know if i am,i jsut go through the motions and i cry more than i've cried in a long time. what helps me is knowing he still luvs me.
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