How do I stop the anger and bitterness?

[hopelovefaith]

Is it a symptom of the problem?

My husband is extremely passive. To the point of inactivity. He hasn't worked the whole time we've been married almost 8 years now. He is passive in almost everyway except the marriage bed. I know he loves me, but he puts forth hardly any effort emotionally, financially or on himself even.

What do I do if I can't just ignore it and accept him as he is sometimes?

How do I deal with those times were I just can't keep it in anylonger?

I don't think he'll ever change, and I've decided to stay with him even though he makes my life very hard.

 

[John-Phillip]

Am I right in thinking that your husband is unemployed but does make no effort to find work? That is, he is living on welfare? Or is there another reason llike he is handicapped.? It isn't clear from what you say. It might be that he is depressed. There is no point in 'browbeating' a person who has lost all will to do anything. If that might be the case then you should seek medical advice. The following is taking your question at face value: he is being extremely lazy and not carrying out his responsibilities (forgive me if thats wrong). I would consult your church leadership: talk it through with someone you both respect and get a senior person to visit him and talk it through and if necessary to confront him. There shouldn't be shame associated with unemployment (tho' of course there usually is) as long as the person is trying to get a job. If he really is being a 'bum' then he needs to be rebuked and encouranged to set things right. If that worked then a successful change in one area of his life might be the catalyst to cause change elsewhere, especially if the change creates goodwill in you and he gets positive feedback. Hope that helps!

 

[etmama]

Try finding a marriage conference such as "Weekend To Remember" through www.familylife.com or "Love and Respect" through www.loveandrespect.com. See if he'll go to a good Christian counselor with you. He needs to see that he is not being a leader in the home. You might look at yourself and see how you are treating him. I was disrespectful to my husband for the first five years of our marriage as he was very passive, leaving the leader role to me. I found that my negative talk and disrespectful words to him just pushed him farther into passiveness. Uplifting, encouraging words is what has changed him to want to be a leader. Start believing in him, encouraging him and praying for him and you just might see that change you are desiring!

 

[etmama]

Oh...and if you can't find anything to praise him for, set him up to do something that you can praise him for! Praise him and encourage him in what he's talented in. If he's good at working on cars, say "I feel so safe driving the cars you work on. I bet you would make an excellent mechanic!". Then just leave it at that.

 

[PerrySB]

Slouthfulness is considered one of the seven deadly sins. I’m a believer in tough love when it comes to a man that won’t support his family. You are an enabler and therefore he has no need or desire to take part in supporting you. Why would you allow him to use you in this way? He isn’t going to change unless he is motivated to do so. I assume you are supporting him financially and he isn’t the least bit embarrassed about that. What would happen to him if you weren’t supporting him? He would be forced to get off his lazy hind end and get a job.

Personally I have no respect for a man that won’t take care of his family but that is just me. You are committed to your marriage vows and that is wonderful, however I wouldn’t see any problem with separation for a time to motivate this guy to get a life.

 

[needingchange]

I really dont think seperation is an answer. Take the example of God with Israel. His people often failed to live up to their covenant to God. Did God abandon His people? Never, nor though did He ignore their failures. God always confronted Israel, but always stood ready to forgive.
Fair enough, confronting him about the issue, may cause problems, but you got them now anyway.
You have decided to stay with him regardless, which I think is a brilliant Christian act, but you cannot continue to live this way. Get help before it leads to seperation.

 

[PerrySB]

I don’t want to get off topic too much here but God did withdraw (separate) from Israel several times because they turned to false gods. Look at the amount of times Israel was put into captivity due to their turning away from God. Israel has paid a heavy price for their disobedience, but you are correct God has always forgiven them when they repented and turned from their sin.

I personally don’t think that is a good example for not separating under certain conditions. However I fully believe we should be willing to forgive and forget and restore the relationship.

 

[needingchange]

I would actually like to see where in scripture God did seperate Himself from Israel...Israel on many occasions 'seperated' from God, but He was always there. Bringing them into captivity is an example. God was there watching and looking after them (Daniel, Nehemiah, Ezra, etc). He was there to bring them out - lessons learnt, they were again ready to serve Him again.
That relationship is a perfect link to 1 Cor 7, Israel being the 'unbelieving spouse' that could leave, but God being the 'Believing spouse' that stayed and worked hard on reconciliation.

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake (leave, loosen) thee." DEUT 31v6

 

[McScribe]

How do you let go of the anger and bitterness? It's a tough thing, that's for sure. 8 years? You must have built up a lot of frustration in that time. So how do you deal with it?

Apart from searching for solutions I encourage you not to feel alone in this. Do you know anyone, friends or family or churchgoers you might be able to talk to? It helps to have someone face to face or someone you can call when you're freally frustrated.

Letting yourself open up to God also helps. It doesn't make your problems okay, rather it reminds you as David did to let Him know all your troubles and heartaches and then remind yourself of God's goodness and mercy. God is not satisfied with our troubles. Others are talking about the Israelites and I think this needs to be said: when the Israelites finally reached the Promised Land they were afraid to capture it. How often did this happen? Fear is a real thing--people in church tend to laugh at the antics of the Israelites and the disciples but in fact we're just like them. Life can be really depressing, really scary. It's awful to think of shaking open a big can of worms in your relationship when things are already bad enough. But just as God promises victory to the Israelites so does He promise victory to us. God has a way of not doing things our way, often His ways are confusing and strange. This is why you need I believe to really bare your heart to God. Don't be afraid to rant and rave, sob and wail, scream and pound the wall with anger if it comes to that--think of Elijah howling his frustration, think of Christ weeping in the garden! God often meets our understanding when we are at our most emotional with Him. God loves you and does not expect you to silently endure all this like a beast of burden, but rather to turn to Him in your time of trouble.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Is it a symptom of the problem?

My husband is extremely passive. To the point of inactivity. He hasn't worked the whole time we've been married almost 8 years now. He is passive in almost everyway except the marriage bed. I know he loves me, but he puts forth hardly any effort emotionally, financially or on himself even.

What do I do if I can't just ignore it and accept him as he is sometimes?

How do I deal with those times were I just can't keep it in anylonger?

I don't think he'll ever change, and I've decided to stay with him even though he makes my life very hard.

Why would you want to stay with him if he makes your life very hard? Separate from him for a time so he has to get a job to support himself. Then decide what you want to do next. You can't nag him into changing but you might be able to kick him to the curb to make him change.

 

[kate_spencer]

What do I do if I can't just ignore it and accept him as he is sometimes?
How do I deal with those times were I just can't keep it in anylonger?

Talk to him.. tell him everything you feel. But don't nag.. a good talk could solve it..

I don't think he'll ever change, and I've decided to stay with him even though he makes my life very hard.

Give him a chance.. maybe he just don't know how to start, but you could help him.. I believe that everyone changes, and they change for a reason.. and give him the best reason to change.
Tell him that you can't support your family alone, that you need him on your side.. not only on bed. Just talk to him about all this you told us.
You could also seek for a professional help so you could understand your situation more.. and to give you much better advice.