How do I stop appearing to take sides when my sons fight?

starry_night · Mar 24, 2010

Hello all.

I have two sons, 16 and 18, the eldest is my stepson. Since I didn't raise him he isn't as well turned out as my son. He has behavioral problems, and problems with drug taking. Whenever they fight, and I get in the middle of it, I invariably see that it is the fault of my stepson. He has accused me of playing favourates. I don't mean to. I try to treat both as my own. How can I appear to be more neutral when it is him who is invariably at fault?

PolarBear3 · Mar 25, 2010

Why do you get in the middle of their fights?

starry_night · Mar 25, 2010

To stop them from fighting.

IreneAdler · Mar 25, 2010

starry_night said:
Hello all.

I have two sons, 16 and 18, the eldest is my stepson. Since I didn't raise him he isn't as well turned out as my son. He has behavioral problems, and problems with drug taking. Whenever they fight, and I get in the middle of it, I invariably see that it is the fault of my stepson. He has accused me of playing favourates. I don't mean to. I try to treat both as my own. How can I appear to be more neutral when it is him who is invariably at fault?

Maybe you should spend more time fostering a relationship with this son and not worry about breaking up fights and drawing conclusions. When my girls fight I simply tell them to stop. Pretty much most of the time it doesn't matter what it's about, they need to discuss it rationally or not at all. kwim? There doesn't have to be a resolution of most sibling fights.

starry_night · Mar 25, 2010

I do try to foster a good relationship with him, and I am not drawing conclusions. He has accused me of playing favourites.

IreneAdler · Mar 25, 2010

You, by saying "I invariably see that it is the fault of my stepson" are drawing conclusions about who is right in these fights. If you stop, he won't have a leg to stand on. Just don't discuss the issue that they're arguing about unless someone is bleeding or something is missing. It's not important 99% of the time.

LyraJean · Mar 25, 2010

I have no children but I have babysat a lot. I realize that your sons are considerably older than children who need babysitting.

It takes two people to fight just punish both of them or tell them that they are now old enough to work out their problems on their own and wash your hands of it. If you punish both of them or completely stay out of it your step-son can not accuse you of choosing favorites.

bliz · Mar 25, 2010

starry_night said:
Hello all.

I have two sons, 16 and 18, the eldest is my stepson. Since I didn't raise him he isn't as well turned out as my son. He has behavioral problems, and problems with drug taking. Whenever they fight, and I get in the middle of it, I invariably see that it is the fault of my stepson. He has accused me of playing favourates. I don't mean to. I try to treat both as my own. How can I appear to be more neutral when it is him who is invariably at fault?

You can't appear to be neutral when you have a favorite.

A total change in your thinking and attitude is required. Have you asked God to show you the good traits he has? Have you asked God to give you a love for him? Have you asked God to change your attitude?

PolarBear3 · Mar 26, 2010

LyraJean said:
It takes two people to fight just punish both of them or tell them that they are now old enough to work out their problems on their own and wash your hands of it. If you punish both of them or completely stay out of it your step-son can not accuse you of choosing favorites.

That's the way I look at it too. I understand that it's hard to walk away, but they are old enough to fight their own battles.

You blame your step-son's problems on his upbringing, but even kids that were "raised right" have drug and behavioral problems. I agree with bliz that changing your view of your step-son would improve your relationship with him.

Cute Tink · Mar 26, 2010

I have problems with my two kids (10 and 5) fighting with each other. Usually, by the time I get a chance to intervene, they have both done something to the other that would get them a talking to anyway. Instead of puting the blame on either one at that point, I get both of them to explain, tell both of them where they went wrong and tell them how to deal with it next time to avoid getting in trouble. If they haven't done something really bad, it ends there.

If necessary, I will separate them from each other for a while, but that usually isn't necessary. After they both get into trouble, they tend to avoid each other.

starry_night · Mar 29, 2010

Gosh. I didn't expect all of the condemnation!!!

IreneAdler · Mar 29, 2010

It's not condemnation. I'm not sure what answer you wanted. We're just providing answers from experience. That's all.

If you say your son is right and the other is wrong (regardless of whether it is true) you are taking sides. Period. If you don't want to do that, then let them work it out. I'm not sure why you think we're saying bad things about you. We're not. We're just giving you a way to keep from being drug into the issues.

PolarBear3 · Mar 31, 2010

I agree - I don't think any condemnation was intended.

I think it's perfectly natural to want to protect your biological son. As a mom with a son and 3 step-daughters, I know that sometimes it's really difficult to resist that instinct. But in order to have a good relationship with step-kids of any age and no matter what issues they have, it is so very important to not take sides in a fight no matter who you think is right. You have to stay out of their arguments or you will end up taking sides. It's that simple.

Lady Barnabas · Apr 29, 2010

I want to encourage you to sit down with your oldest son when he says this and ask your oldest specific examples of playing favorites. Then address each issue showing asking him questions to make him respond to his own accusations. "You let my brother go out on a date alone why do you keep me under house arrest." You-"What was happened the last time you were trusted to go out alone?" Him-"I don't know...stuff." You-"No tell me what happened. What happened?" Him-"I got picked up by the cops smoking a joint." You-"Do you think that kind of behavior strengthen or breaks down our trust of your decisions?" Him- "Breaks it down I guess." You-"So do you think you should be treated equally for your poor choices as your brother is treated for his good choices?"

Now if he is unreasonable completely he will answer yes to this question and you will have to tell him no that is not how real life works and your trust level of him is direcly based on his behavior.

What is difficult with this process is that your son may lash out at you and personally attack you. You have to work past that and help him to see the consequences of his actions.

unfinished7181 · May 6, 2010

I have 2 stepkids and 3 of ours. I think you should not jump to defend your @on regardless of your perceived injustice bystep son. If you just take the time to talk to both and say that you have a new no fighting rule. Have them decide a consequence. From then on whenever they fight you can refer to your rule and say nothing about fault or anything. Ideas for consequence could be having to sit in bathroom together for a length of time. Or Separate rooms for a while. And just so you know I grew up in church with excellent parents, Christian education and rules To follow. My past would make your step sons look tame. It has little to do with parenting. Here I am, a far cry from what I was. I teach kids at church. I'm under 30 with 5 kids. God sees past our ugliness and loves us anyway. We should try not to judge anyone. I know you've been around but you're not your step son. You've no idea what he Feels inside or wishes his life was like. Anyway...good luck.

elahopes · May 19, 2010

Many times siblings fight to get their parents reaction...they want an audience...so if you don't give it to them, then they will have to find another way to handle disagreements or stop altogether. Also, you might have a meeting with them where you get their ideas and then write down together how to handle fights...this way you can also point them to the list THEY HELPED TO MAKE when and if they fight again...and it takes the focus off of you and your possible percieved bias by your stepson. Blessings to you....

Grace51 · Jan 8, 2012

firstly, it sounds like you are trying to treat your stepson as your own. good on you for doing that. i wish all christians parents would try to do what you do.

secondly, not judging, but merely trying to help you with the situation. i think the reality is that when it comes to your biological children, you will always feel protective towards them, hence you may apply double standard without realizing it. First i would pray to God to help you see the whether there are thing you have done that may be unfair to your step son.

Thirdly, if the situation does not improve, get his dad to do it.

we are not condemn you, but you are here because you want to resolve the situation , right? sometimes in order for us to do that is to fact some hard truth, and i admit, it is not easy, i find truth hard sometimes as well, but in my exp, that is the only way to solve problem.

How do I stop appearing to take sides when my sons fight?

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