How do I lovingly get rid of her

[Sketcher]

Here's an interesting question for you all. If there is a Christian girl who obviously likes me, how can I turn her down while at the same time be sensitive to her needs as a fellow believer? This girl has mental problems. She is recieving counselling, which is good. But she - keeps - following - me - around . I know I could belittle her and send her away crying, but that won't help her relationship to God. I need to break it to her with a little more grace than that.

 

[LynneClomina]

why not develope a friendship with her? you can be clear about your boundaries, and she wont feel belittled or not good enough to have friends.... it can be disheartening for ppl like this, becasue they are so persistant and dogged about following you around or talking your ears off that they turn others off and get rejected by so many ppl. they get to expect it, y'know? you could give a big boost to her feeling of being loved by God by loving her as a friend. friendships like with ppl like that have been very rewarding for me!

 

[fishstix]

Talk with her about why she is following you around; make it clear that you don't have feelings for her in that way (say it clearly, don't just infer it or beat around the bush). Also, if you make yourself available as a friend - include her and make time for her sometimes and show her that she doesn't need to follow you around to get you to spend time with her as a friend - then she may not feel the need to try to struggle for any little bit of time or attention she can get.

 

[HoT-MetaL]

This is why I believe there is ONE way to do this whole thing.

Let God decide - I look at how sad my mates get when they split up with their girlfriends... then I think about how Im not ever going to have to go through with that.

God is the ultimate match-maker, his perfect will.

God Bless, metal.

 

[seangoh]

hmm..that situation of yours seem quite crazy. I guess that girl is real young..i can't imagine those in their 20s following guys around. Anyway, some things you can do.
1) Avoid her everytime
2) Ask God for help
3) Ask friends for help
4) Talk to her and reveal how you feel about the whole thing

If it were me, i'll pick 2 and 4. I'll start asking her why she's been following me and tell her that i don't like it.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Here's an interesting question for you all. If there is a Christian who obviously likes me, how can I turn her down while at the same time be sensitive to her needs as a fellow believer? This has mental problems. She is recieving counselling, which is good. But she - keeps - following - me - around . I know I could belittle her and send her away crying, but that won't help her relationship to God. I need to break it to her with a little more grace than that.

When I'm in this situation, I usually qupte my buddy Clarence and say:

"You're a great person, but hey, I just don't feel about you that way."

Don't be mean, but no games, no "protecting feelings", just tell her what the deal is. In the long run, that's the nicer thing to do.

 

[jenptcfan]

I agree that it's better to be straight with her than beat around the bush.

In a typical situation, it might be a good idea to make it clear that you'll be a friend to her but nothing more. In THIS situation, you've already said she is following you around. I don't know her, but do you think that if you said "I'd like to be your friend." that she would think "OK, I'll be his friend and then he'll start to like me as more than a friend." Some girls think that way. You don't want to get into a situation where she's using your friendship to try to get closer to you. That's not really a friendship, just another game.

I'm sure that with prayer you will be able to find a Godly response to this situation. That doesn't mean that your response won't bruise her ego a little bit, but anytime someone lets us know they're not interested in us, it bruises our ego. Just find the most gentle way you can and trust God.

 

[Sketcher]

Well right now I can't honestly say she's a great person or that I'd like to be her friend. I mean, the first conversation we had she told me I looked like her ex, for crying out loud. The second day that I knew her, she was openly jealous and nagging me because I said "hi" to another girl I know before I greeted her. She is new to our Bible study but has been devoting special attention to me that I do not want. I just want her to back off.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

What kind of mental problems?

 

[Sketcher]

I sense that she is excessively needy and wants to be the center of attention. She is very clingy to me. I suspect it is because I look like her ex. Did I mention she's only been coming to the Bible study for about two weeks? Also, speaks up during the messages WAY TOO MUCH. It disrupts the flow of the teaching. Leadership is going to talk to her about that. A mutual aquaintance says she does the exact same thing in her math class to the point that people laugh at her. As for the other mental problems, I cannot warrent more than a guess.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Gotcha.
That's a tricky situation.
Don't be mean, but don't candy coat things either. If you're getting a funny vibe from her, talk to her and say those exact words. "I'm getting this feeling/vibe..."
Go from there. If she indicates she likes you shut her down. You don't have to be mean about it. Just make it crystal clear where you stand so there may be no confusion on her part. If anything maybe you can get into talking about her behavior with her in one of these conversations.

Speaking the truth in love never means that what you say is supposed to feel good.

 

[Jinnapiban]

The young lady definitely sounds like she has some insecurity issues. I agree with the others, even though it is painful being clear and speaking the truth is the best thing you can do for anyone and then you have to let it go and let God deal with her.

I suspect she knows she's at the bible study for the wrong reasons and maybe this will convict her to stay for the right reasons or leave.

God will use this circumstance to glorify Himself in both your lives.... it's what He does, even though sometimes we don't see it that way.

jp

 

[LynneClomina]

I sense that she is excessively needy and wants to be the center of attention. She is very clingy to me. I suspect it is because I look like her ex. Did I mention she's only been coming to the Bible study for about two weeks? Also, speaks up during the messages WAY TOO MUCH. It disrupts the flow of the teaching. Leadership is going to talk to her about that. A mutual aquaintance says she does the exact same thing in her math class to the point that people laugh at her. As for the other mental problems, I cannot warrent more than a guess.

my friend is pretty much exactly the same. seriously. you have to be VERY firm as to what your boundaries are. when my friend starts talking in church, i will hush her or tell her "later", or say now is not an appropriate time. she has been an incredible grace builder for everyone. she doesnt get upset when we tell her to hush (in a loving way of course) becasue she has heard instruction like that from her parents all her life, she's totally used to it. the trick is to let her talk at appropriate times so that she does not percieve us to be lying to her all the time. my friendship with her is never going to be one where i recieve from her as much as i give, but it has been very rewarding personally.

if this girl is like my friend, i think the biggest thing is to take control of the situation and the atmosphere, and to be HONEST (always keeping in mind that she wont understand alot of things). NEVER try to "hint", because the best of us arent mind readers, and she'll probably miss most of it. the biggest change in her personality might come when she feels welcomed and included A LOT. she might speak up alot becuase (unconciously) she wants to be acknowledged. so acknowledge her, accept her, lay out your boundaries and take active responsibility in not letting her "trespass" them. Jesus said that whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto ME. so agape-love her and accept her and minister to her as though you were doing it to Jesus. in that you will be blessed.

IMHO.

 

[mina]

Be honest and kind. do it nicely. Don't be a jerk. If you want to be her friend then tell her that and then be her friend, nothing more. Make the boundaries clear.

 

[Razzie]

why not develope a friendship with her? you can be clear about your boundaries, and she wont feel belittled or not good enough to have friends.... it can be disheartening for ppl like this, becasue they are so persistant and dogged about following you around or talking your ears off that they turn others off and get rejected by so many ppl. they get to expect it, y'know? you could give a big boost to her feeling of being loved by God by loving her as a friend. friendships like with ppl like that have been very rewarding for me!

I agree with Lynne!!! Frienship is most likely what she is really looking for anyway!
Razzie

 

[fishstix]

Well right now I can't honestly say she's a great person or that I'd like to be her friend. I mean, the first conversation we had she told me I looked like her ex, for crying out loud. The second day that I knew her, she was openly jealous and nagging me because I said "hi" to another girl I know before I greeted her. She is new to our Bible study but has been devoting special attention to me that I do not want. I just want her to back off.

In that case tell her something along the lines of "I hardly know you; I am not your ex; and I would appreciate it if you would stop following me around."

 

[Living4Him03]

I have a good friend who is like this girl you describe. She doesn't follow guys around, but she will always approach guys before they approach her, gets jealous if they talk to other girls, and is very loud. She speaks up all the time in any situation! It's kind of annoying and embarrassing sometimes and guys get that "funny vibe" from her that she's gonna cling to them like gum on your shoe..lol. I feel bad for her, I don't think she knows that people or guys perceive her this way. Another friend of hers and I have conveyed some of the things she is doing to her, but other things that is just her personality.

The best way I have found that a guy could let someone down like this is to not spend time with her, say Hi, be polite, but do not tell her you're getting a funny vibe from her. She would probably cry from that! I would suggest just telling her openly that you need to talk to her and let her know that you are not interested in dating her, not because she's not pretty, etc. Tell her the truth, you do not feel the two of you are compatible and leave it at that. It might help to get some of the girls in the group to take her aside (not gang up on her or something) and mention to her how she is coming across to them and to others in the group. This may help her realize that she should tone it down a bit. Hope it works out! God Bless!

 

[klewlis]

I disagree with those who are saying you should try to be friends with her--this will only feed her emotions more. I'm not saying you should be *un*friendly, but that you should not try to pursue a friendship. Definitely keep very clear boundaries with her and let her know where you stand--bluntly but kindly (if you can find that precarious balance!). Like someone else said, she will not get the hint if you don't come right out and say it.

She needs some good female friends to help mentor her--maybe it would help for you to mention that to some mature, kind girls in your church who could befriend her.

 

[seangoh]

i'm wondering that since she's so obvious in her intentions, why not the "victim" be obvious too by obviously avoiding her? I don't think she would be so stupid to not pick up the signs. What do you think girls? Coz that's what i did and it worked. And when we meet, i'll just say simple acquaintence sentences like "hello" but i'll NEVER ask how she is or what coz i don't want to portray the idea that i care about her.

 

[Living4Him03]

It seems like he cares about this girl, just not in a romantic way and he does not want to pursue a friendship. That doesn't mean you don't care. I agree that you should stick to aquaintances type "talk" and don't pursue a friendship with her. Definitely help her become friends with some women in the church, get involved in the women's ministry or other ministry there, so that she can start realizing that she needs to let God heal her and that following you around is not going to make you like her. It does seem that she is craving friendship....so talk to your female friends at church and ask them to include her in activities and to become friends with her. That's what she needs right now. Also, pray for her! I think most of the advice that has been given is good advice.

Oh, also I have a personal story about this. When I was in youth group I liked this guy there. He actually was not the most popular guy and he was not the nicest to me, but I still liked him. Probably because I wanted to fit in. I was even more overweight than I am now and I did not wear cute clothes, I was not a cheerleader, I had low self esteem , etc. So, for probably many reasons, he did not want to date me. I tried to build a friendship with him, hoping he would see how great I am (lol) and start wanting to date me, but he always pursued other girls in the group, never me. Not only that but he actually treated me differently than the other girls, in a negative way. He would often ignore me or act like I was not good enough to join in on an activity. On a ski trip once, one of the guys that was in his "ski group" asked me to join them to ski some blue runs because I didn't have anyone to ski with and we were not supposed to ski alone. I accepted the offer because I knew my youth pastor would be upset if I skied alone. The girls in the group and most of the guys were nice to me, but this guy that I liked was awful. He kept trying to leave me behind! Talk about disliking someone! He was trying to get the group to leave me behind...lol. I'm not even a loud person or anything like that, quite the opposite, which may be why he didn't like me who knows. ANYWAY, I know how it feels to be the one who is not liked, so be kind to this girl and don't do things intentionally to say "hey I don't like you at all"