How do I know if I should marry?

[Job3163]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 15 months and I am still unsure about whether I will marry her. She has told me more than once that she wants to marry me and I sincerely believe that she loves me for the right reasons. I love her too and I want her to be happy. The problem is that I can see marriage interfering with how I want to spend my time. I'm a geek and I really enjoy learning and making software. I like contributing software to open-source projects and I have spent the past 6 months volunteering a lot of my free time to collaborate with some students on a computational-biology project...eventually I could see my career moving more in that area so my "hobby" of learning and writing software is related to my career path and I see it as professional development...and I ultimately believe that I am called to write software that will benefit other people...that's why I'm specifically interested in the biological application. Anyhow, I am unsure about getting married because I am worried that I won't be able to reach my full potential professionally. Unfortunately, our interests are a bit different and there are other things she would rather be doing that writing software with me. In fact, a lot of the time we spend together, I'd rather be doing something else, not all the time and I do enjoy many of the activities we do together, but I do enjoy working a lot more than she does. This has prompted me to ponder whether I am actually the right person to marry. I don't have a strong desire to have children anytime soon...but on the other hand, I don't want to be 58 and regret being alone later in life. I think I'm fine living by myself now and don't feel in any rush to have children, I just don't want to possibly regret not having that later in life. (I come from a large family with 3 sisters and 2 brothers so I could see myself wanting at least some immediate family later.) I'd keep dating, but I know that she wants me to come to a decision soon...she's not trying to pressure me to marry her, but she is 27 and really wants to have a family of her own. She's very sweet, attractive both in personality and looks. I'm very lucky to have her. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. I know a lot of people will say, when it comes to marriage, you should just know...others will say it just takes time. But I am a person who does have a tough time making big decisions. Even with smaller decisions, I tend to over-analyze a lot. Considering the risks that come with marriage, the consequences if it does not work out, and opportunity costs, I don't know if it would ever be an easy decision. Yes, I have been praying about the decision. How do I know what I should do?

 

[jehoiakim]

My wife and I knew almost instantly, with in the first 2 weeks of dating, we just didn't tell anyone because we knew they would think we were insane. We have been together for almost 10 years at this point and more in love then ever. If you don't feel strongly by now there is a good chance it is not for you, or at least not for you now. If you decide that it is not the time to marry and it really isn't even on your radar I think it would be wise if you didn't date, otherwise you will drive some poor girl nuts. Some people are called no to marry and Paul considered it a gift, but it is hard. Marriage is also a wonderful thing, but that too is also very hard work. Neither one is an easy path and it is all about call. I think you should spend a lot of time in prayer and self examination and figure out what to say to your girlfriend, should you decide to have relationships in the future I suggest you are quite clear from the beginning about where you are and try and keep it at a friend level. You need to ask yourself is all this stuff that you want to pursue selfish or immaturity or is it your calling from God. I don't know nor do I pretend to.

Peace and blessings

 

[Luther073082]

Do you have a job now and the software thing is sort of a free time thing?

Marriage reduces your free time but it doesn't totally eliminate it.

Your hobby, may be fun. But it isn't there for you when you are sick, it's not there for you when you need emotional support. It doesn't have sex with you, nor can you have children with it. And it doesn't provide you companionship. It's just simpily not a human.

The thing that bothers me is that you said that most of the time you spend with your girlfriend you would rather be doing something else. Does this mean that you value your time with your software more then you value your time with her?

Look I get hobbies, I have things I like to do as well. And I generally don't get to do them as much now that I'm married. But my wife was and is more important to me then those hobbies.

What you have to decide for yourself is which one would you rather lose forever. Girlfriend or software... That will tell you which is more important to you.

And honestly I'd be concerned about you if you felt that software was more important to you. And I'm not saying that because it's a "geek hobby" or whatever, I wouldn't care if your hobby was sports, working on cars, or collecting stamps. If that hobby is more important to you then your girlfriend and possibly future spouse then I think you have some priority issues.

And for the record if your hobby is more important to you then her. You need to break up with her now. Because it would be wrong to string her along and you would need to let her go find someone who would value her more.

I am not going to treat this any different from any other hobby even though you think it could lead you someplace professionally speaking. I am not meaning to kill your dreams and by all means I think you should go for it if you think this can get you places. . . it very well may. BUT if I had a dime for every young man or woman who thought they where going to turn their pet hobby into riches, I'd be spending more time on my own hobbies because I wouldn't have to work.

Some people do in fact turn their hobbies into a profession that makes them good money. But for every 1 person that does do that, 500 people think they are going to do it and fail. And listen, I am not saying you should quit because of that. I'm just saying I'm not going to look at this any different from any other hobby on account of that.

And for the record your spouse should be more important to you then your career.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

God allows us to feel doubt for a reason.

If you aren't sure, don't.

If you tend to be the more "self centered" sort of person (and that's not an insult), then singlehood may be a happier option for you. From your OP, it sounds like your girlfriend is just a nice little side perk of life, not a main factor in your mind and heart and future plans. She obviously thinks more of you. As someone above posted, you need to lay it on the line, and either put her first or consider ending the relationship (which might be painful and sad, but if she's looking for a husband, and you aren't looking for a wife, will be kinder to both of you). Some people would rather spend more time alone focused on their hobbies/passions/pursuits than investing all that time and energy into other people. I don't think that's necessarily a bad way to be; different people are called to lead different lives.

 

[Thunder Peel]

If you're still uncertain after 15 months then you're better off by yourself. It's not fair to keep stringing her along if you don't know how you feel after all this time. I knew within a month that I wanted to marry my wife and most people will know within the first year or so.

We all have hobbies and interests that we enjoy doing. You can still pursue your passions when you're married; however, they will need to take a backseat her and the marriage. If you're not prepared to spend a bit less time working on software in order to be with her then it's best to end it now. Only you can make that call and you need to be in serious prayer about where God would have you to be.

Just remember the words of The Gaslight Anthem: "Maybe your work will love you when I'm just not there to hold you."

 

[Job3163]

First of all, I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses.


I do not want to lead anyone on and she does know how I feel. I think it's very common that one person in the relationship is ready to move forward to the next stage before the other. When we first started dating, I wanted to move the relationship forward faster than she did. I do remember many times when, although I was overall happy with my life and fine with spending time alone, I would wish that I would have had someone to come home to after the holidays or someone to spend a Friday night with. But I also did not understand how much time and other sacrifices relationships and eventually marriage requires (especially if the couple decides to have children).

You need to ask yourself is all this stuff that you want to pursue selfish or immaturity or is it your calling from God. I don't know nor do I pretend to.

How do you really know if you're called by God to do something? I think that if you have a talent or a productive gift...something that is your competitive advantage, which you can do better than other things and by doing it also brings benefit to the rest of society...that's probably a pretty good indication that you should pursue it.

Do you have a job now and the software thing is sort of a free time thing?

I have a job, I work as a software developer. I am interested in changing the application of what I develop software for...to develop software for more fulfilling purposes.

The thing that bothers me is that you said that most of the time you spend with your girlfriend you would rather be doing something else. Does this mean that you value your time with your software more then you value your time with her?

No, I want both. Time with her and activities spent together, but also individual time where I can work on my interests. Why is it necessary to choose one exclusively over the other? Which do you value more: food or water? At this point in my life, I think that I value personal development at the same level or greater than the need for companionship, but I don't know for sure if that won't change later in life. It's hard to tell because to know for sure would require going through the same life twice having one without the other and there is a lot to consider, and a lot of factors that I may not be considering. I'm not sure that there's actually a need to choose one exclusive of the other.

Some people do in fact turn their hobbies into a profession that makes them good money. But for every 1 person that does do that, 500 people think they are going to do it and fail. And listen, I am not saying you should quit because of that. I'm just saying I'm not going to look at this any different from any other hobby on account of that.

I think it's more about the accomplishment / contribution to society than the money. And you're right, some things are harder to accomplish than others. But your argument generally encourages one to not take risks. Why study to become a doctor? There's a higher risk of failure than becoming a janitor. In fact, knowing nothing about the person, there's also significant risk in pursuing marriage...what's the divorce rate? How many of those people divorced had the instant “I want to marry this person” feeling? The reason that I'm here is because I'm trying to find the right answer to a question that has significant risk for both decision outcomes. I'm trying to find out more about myself and I have never had to make such an important decision before in my life. I am a risk-adverse person. I don't know if the doubt is really due to her or marriage in general or my fear of making change that has lifetime consequences.

"Maybe your work will love you when I'm just not there to hold you." [\QUOTE]


That's very true...if I broke up with her now, I would feel very uncomfortable and strongly doubt or regret my decision. That might be a sign that I'm just stuck in limbo over fear of making long-term commitment or it's due to discomfort with changing something that I have grown comfortable having, a relationship. I am trying to figure out which one it is.

 

[ValleyGal]

Although you do not have to choose hobby or girlfriend/marriage exclusive of each other, which would you choose if you HAD to? The reason I ask is that mature love is sacrificial. Are you willing to give up your hobby for her sake, if it came to it?

Some questions to ask yourself: Is she someone you want to be like? If she never changes, would you want to wake up with her every day for the rest of your life? If she does change, would you still want to wake up with her every day? Is she changing in the right (godly) direction? Are you?

Are you totally crazy about her and willing to do anything and everything for her best interest?

Think about what it means to really love someone. It has nothing to do with "feeling in love". It has to do with doing what is in her best interest in the face of conflict, trial, hardship. Are you willing to do this? This is mature love.

She wants children. What about you? If you also want children, do you want her to be their mother? Have you talked about parenting styles and how you will raise your children, including discipline methods? How did her parents raise her? Is it similar to your own?

You might want to think about buying a book or two that address marriage preparation. They might be able to help you sort out your thoughts and priorities.

 

[JCLover779]

It sound like she is not the right one for you. And you are not the right one for her.

I have a friend who never planned to get married. She is a "computer nerd". She didn't want marriage or kids. Then she met her husband (also a computer nerd, and they met online, in the 90's before it was common). They would die for each other. (I would not say that about my marriage.) Now they have three kids, and she home schools them. Things changed for her...she found she did want marriage, and she did want kids, but it took meeting the right guy. Their computer link IS the key for them, because they share a passion together...still.

You sound like you have a passion that needs a match like theirs has. Or maybe you need a companion who can support you in your passion and that could work. I also know a few couples like that...one has a passion and the other supports them in that. But I'm guessing you either don't already feel that support, or question whether it will still be there in the future. The way you speak of your "hobby", I think you have a unique passion/drive that is different than what most of the rest of us have.

On the other hand, you might let her go, and realize later what a mistake that was. If you decide to go separate ways, please take the time to wite down your reasons now so that you can refer to them if that time should come. (For example, you might print out/save the post you opened here with.)

The fact that you would rather be doing something else than the things you do with her tells me that you enjoy her company, and THAT is why you do those things. I think that would change after marriage and those activities could turn into opportunities for resentment that you are not doing the other things.

It sure would be nice to have that parallel life option where you could know which road to take. Do you need to pursue your passion (maybe find someone along the way...soon, or years from now) or do you need to change your focus and let this relationship change you (which could also be a good thing)?

It does sound like you need to decide soon so she can get on with her life.

 

[JCLover779]

I am a risk-adverse person. I don't know if the doubt is really due to her or marriage in general or my fear of making change that has lifetime consequences.
...if I broke up with her now, I would feel very uncomfortable and strongly doubt or regret my decision. That might be a sign that I'm just stuck in limbo over fear of making long-term commitment or it's due to discomfort with changing something that I have grown comfortable having, a relationship. I am trying to figure out which one it is.

Just saw this.

Are both of you praying about this? That would be a good thing to do...that God would reveal to both of you. Maybe even fasting separately, a time of separation to seek God, then come back together and see where you are feeling led.

 

[Luther073082]

No, I want both. Time with her and activities spent together, but also individual time where I can work on my interests. Why is it necessary to choose one exclusively over the other? Which do you value more: food or water?

Water because it's more necessary to my immediate survival then food is. I could live for a few months without food. I'd likely not survive a week without water.

At this point in my life, I think that I value personal development at the same level or greater than the need for companionship, but I don't know for sure if that won't change later in life. It's hard to tell because to know for sure would require going through the same life twice having one without the other and there is a lot to consider, and a lot of factors that I may not be considering. I'm not sure that there's actually a need to choose one exclusive of the other.

Well here is the thing though. You can probably have both, marrying her and spending some time on the hobby. But you will have less time with the hobby after you are married, and you have to value her more then the hobby. Because if she marry's you, then she needs to be able to depend on you to be a husband.

I think it's more about the accomplishment / contribution to society than the money. And you're right, some things are harder to accomplish than others. But your argument generally encourages one to not take risks. Why study to become a doctor? There's a higher risk of failure than becoming a janitor. In fact, knowing nothing about the person, there's also significant risk in pursuing marriage...what's the divorce rate? How many of those people divorced had the instant “I want to marry this person” feeling? The reason that I'm here is because I'm trying to find the right answer to a question that has significant risk for both decision outcomes. I'm trying to find out more about myself and I have never had to make such an important decision before in my life. I am a risk-adverse person. I don't know if the doubt is really due to her or marriage in general or my fear of making change that has lifetime consequences.

I don't think my arguement discourages risk taking. . . What I think it does that is important is that it reminds one that they are taking risks.

The difference I find between a mature person who takes this sort of risk and an immature person is that the mature person generally understands the obstacles to his objective better and acknowledges the possibility of failure better.

And some risks are good ones if you are mature, you know the obstacles and know that it's not going to be easy. However there are a lot of young people out there that don't really know the obstacles, havn't had time to do the research, and think it's going to be easy.

Marriage is a lot like those other risks. You stand lot better chance if both partners are mature, know the obstacles to a good marriage, and recognize that marriage is not going to be easy. The people who have the most trouble are those who expect it to be easy and have not even acknowledged the possibility of failure.

That's very true...if I broke up with her now, I would feel very uncomfortable and strongly doubt or regret my decision. That might be a sign that I'm just stuck in limbo over fear of making long-term commitment or it's due to discomfort with changing something that I have grown comfortable having, a relationship. I am trying to figure out which one it is.

I think you are better off getting married and just remember that she's more important then your hobby. Getting married doesn't mean that you have to give up this hobby. But it does mean that you will have to make a decision throughout your marriage to put her needs and wants before it.

Lots of married guys have done many great things. And the good thing is that it seems to me that working on software in and of itself does not seem like a large financial risk. . . So in order to pursue what you are trying to do, you are not likely to need to roll the dice on your entire family's financial future just to pursue this.

 

[lovinlife33]

Hi there! Your hobbies are a lot like my husband's. We have been married 11 years now. Anyway, may I offer you my honest opinion. Please, wait.

My husband and I got married when he was 23 and I was 22. We do well, are both Christians and really, his position as web application specialist for a Downtown Chicago marketing firm has been great for us.

People often tell us what an inspiration we are to them, having gotten married so young, accomplished things together, so forth and so on.

I still say, "Wait." Just wait. Don't rush into marriage! Please take your time and enjoy YOU. Enjoy your time, your freedom, your ability to choose what to do when you want to. Don't let ANYBODY push or prod you into marriage. Period.

Now, this is coming from someone who has money in the bank. A fine, Christian husband and beautiful children. I'm telling you, it's worth it to Wait. If she loves you, then by gosh, she will wait until you are ready. Heaven knows, I would hate it if I knew in my heart that I pressured my husband into marrying me. Enjoy your singleness.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

She's very sweet, attractive both in personality and looks. I'm very lucky to have her. I just don't want to make the wrong decision.

On just the basis of your post i'd say shes not for you. Not because of your concerns regarding whether marriage will interfere with your aspirations. Theres no reason why you cant pursue your career just as zealously when married. You have your own lives - you should'nt be attached at the hip! Rather, my concern is that she is just 'very sweet' and not 'the love of my life'.

Envision the following: Does the thought of spending your life together predominately make you feel anticipation and excitement? Do you get excited over the thought of doing something which will make her happy? Does the thought of losing her fill you with dread? If you answer 'no' to these, then you have your answer.