How do I help?

[amyp31]

I don't know if I should be posting here since I'm not divorced. I apologize if I'm breaking the rules. I need some advice though on how to handle my parent's divorce. I will try to keep this as short as possible. My parent's have been seperated for 2 years now and the divorce was supposed to be final this past Friday. While they were in court my father tried again to stop the divorce and ask my mother for reconcilliation. (He still loves my mom very much.) My mother declined the reconcilliation but asked for a continuation to go over paperwork with her lawyer. So it was delayed until March 31st. Unfortunately what was a calm seperation has now turned into an ugly divorce. Neither of them have alot of property or assets but they are now bickering over every little thing. They will have been married for 32 years as of March 23rd. I find this all very sad and even though I'm 31 and this should not affect me as much as if I were 10, I'm having a hard time with it all. I need to hear from those who have been through this. I would like some advice on how to be there for both of my parents without taking sides. What can I say or do to help? Right now there are alot of hurt feelings between them. Also if anyone has any advice on how to support my 21 year old sister I'm all ears. (She lives at home with my mom.) I live about 1400 miles away but I talk to them often. I just want to be there for them, both of them.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Take the side of the parent fighting for the marriage so you can be congruent with yourself and God.

 

[madison1101]

I don't agree with taking sides at all. You can share your feelings honestly with your mother, if you believe that marriage is of God and divorce is sin, but love her unconditionally, and let her know that. The divorce is between your parents. Love them equally, and show them that love in whatever ways you can.

If your parents try to get you to choose sides, or talk bad about the other parent in front of you, set the boundary that you are not part of their marriage or divorce. Tell them you love them both and want them both to be happy.

My kids suffered during my divorce even though they were adults. The hard part is the holidays, having to choose between us for visits.

 

[Autumnleaf]

The divorce is between your parents. Love them equally, and show them that love in whatever ways you can.

My kids suffered during my divorce even though they were adults. The hard part is the holidays, having to choose between us for visits.

With respect, divorce is between the family. It is usually one person selfishly imposing their will upon everyone. If someone in your family said they were going to burn down the house and everyone would have to figure out where to live on their own, and someone else said, 'No, don't do it!' would you choose sides?

 

[madison1101]

With respect, divorce is between the family. It is usually one person selfishly imposing their will upon everyone. If someone in your family said they were going to burn down the house and everyone would have to figure out where to live on their own, and someone else said, 'No, don't do it!' would you choose sides?

Divorce is between the parents when the children are grown. Boundaries are to be respected. These children are adults and have their own lives to live. Yes, their family of origin will never be the same, compliments of the sin of one parent. However, the sin being committed is against the other spouse and God, not the kids.

To compare a very private, painful decision to divorce with that of saving one's life in a fire is ludicrous.

Are you divorced? Do you have children?

I hurt my children deeply by expecting them to side with me. They were torn apart because they love both their father and me. They saw how unhappy we were in our marriage. They understood my desire to stay married out of obedience to God, but could not take sides because they loved us both equally and wanted us both to be happy.

Taking sides is very unfair to all parties involved. It only causes more pain and wounds. Why should amyp hurt her mother by taking sides? Amyp is 31 years old. She is an independent adult who should have a life outside of her parents. If she doesn't she needs to get one and move on.

 

[Endless]

It is my sincere prayer that you could take this opportunity to witness to your mother. God imposed the restrictions he did on divorce, because "through God all things are possible". With prayer and devotion in the Lord our God two believers need never be torn apart.

But of course ... their decision notwithstanding ... your place in this family is NOT to judge. (judge not lest ye be judged) Choosing sides would be choosing who was right. And your job is only to love your parents and support them through the most grevious time in their lives.

Unfortunately, I cannot offer any advice on HOW best to support your family, but God can.

~Emily

Heavenly father, we come before you humbly to ask for guidance in this matter of divorce. We know that you hate divorce Lord. To that end, please touch our sister's heart so that she might give her husband another chance. If her will be stubborn Lord, please give our sister Amy the ability to support her family without judging and impress upon her the needs of her sister. -amen

 

[Autumnleaf]

Divorce is between the parents when the children are grown. Boundaries are to be respected. These children are adults and have their own lives to live. Yes, their family of origin will never be the same, compliments of the sin of one parent. However, the sin being committed is against the other spouse and God, not the kids.

To compare a very private, painful decision to divorce with that of saving one's life in a fire is ludicrous.

Are you divorced? Do you have children?

I hurt my children deeply by expecting them to side with me. They were torn apart because they love both their father and me. They saw how unhappy we were in our marriage. They understood my desire to stay married out of obedience to God, but could not take sides because they loved us both equally and wanted us both to be happy.

Taking sides is very unfair to all parties involved. It only causes more pain and wounds. Why should amyp hurt her mother by taking sides? Amyp is 31 years old. She is an independent adult who should have a life outside of her parents. If she doesn't she needs to get one and move on.

I'm a child of divorce and there is nothing personal or private about something that forces a family apart. That forces a child and grandchildren to choose between which (grand)parent to see on Christmas or any other holiday. Failure to take sides on such a moral issue is to condone it. Divorce is wrong and should be discouraged for the good of the family. Divorce is a selfish decision some people make which destroys their families as much as or more than a house fire would.

As an independent adult Amyp should do the right thing and help her father fight for her parent's marriage.

 

[heartnsoul]

Unfortunately, all you can do is continue being loving to both of your parents. I agree with Madison1101. Taking sides would only fuel the fire in my opinion. You can gently and humbly express your own personal opinion to both parents but realize that they are adults and they have free will. If your parents end up divorcing, they will both need your support and comfort through it.

The other thing you can do is daily pray for both of your parents. There is so much power in prayer. May God give you wisdom and peace during this tough time.

My parents divorced when I was 15 years old. So I know how you feel. It's an emotional struggle for everyone involved. Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[madison1101]

I'm a child of divorce and there is nothing personal or private about something that forces a family apart. That forces a child and grandchildren to choose between which (grand)parent to see on Christmas or any other holiday. Failure to take sides on such a moral issue is to condone it. Divorce is wrong and should be discouraged for the good of the family. Divorce is a selfish decision some people make which destroys their families as much as or more than a house fire would.

As an independent adult Amyp should do the right thing and help her father fight for her parent's marriage.

To side with the father would be to alienate and hurt the mother. In some families this damage could be irreparable. AmyP is not a little girl, but a grown adult woman. It is time for her to focus her energy on her life as an adult and not hurt her parents as they get on in years.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Divorce is between the parents when the children are grown. Boundaries are to be respected. These children are adults and have their own lives to live. Yes, their family of origin will never be the same, compliments of the sin of one parent. However, the sin being committed is against the other spouse and God, not the kids.

To compare a very private, painful decision to divorce with that of saving one's life in a fire is ludicrous.

Are you divorced? Do you have children?

I hurt my children deeply by expecting them to side with me. They were torn apart because they love both their father and me. They saw how unhappy we were in our marriage. They understood my desire to stay married out of obedience to God, but could not take sides because they loved us both equally and wanted us both to be happy.

Taking sides is very unfair to all parties involved. It only causes more pain and wounds. Why should amyp hurt her mother by taking sides? Amyp is 31 years old. She is an independent adult who should have a life outside of her parents. If she doesn't she needs to get one and move on.

You keep insisting people should get a life if they are concerned about their parent's divorce. This is as intelligent as saying a parent should get a life and leave their child alone if their teenager gets into drugs. Discouraging sin is an obligation if we value salvation. Especially so for those we love.

 

[dmp]

My parents divorced after 34? years of marriage. The best bet is to stay completely out of it. it will NOT help your marriage or your situation, and could harm it. Pray for them, Love them, but refuse to get involved.