How do I help a guy to stop cheating with another woman?

[pastellee]

Hello...

I posted about this in another topic, but I thought I would get some advice here as well... :/

I'm actually very frustrated right now, seeing how a guy i know, refuses to stop engaging in cheating behaviors with his friend's girlfriend.

Ever since I found out about his secret relationship with her, and confronted him about it, he has been avoiding me.

I somehow feel responsible for his behaviors, as he seemed to have been a clueless lad, who was wrongly influenced by me at one point of time...

Back then, I had backslid from God and gone my own ways... I was overwhelmed by my sexual desires, and thought he was the one for me, so i started pursuing him for several reasons, including the fulfilment of my sexual desires. i put him above God, and chased after him for a long time.

I have since realized my sins, and repented from them. But I feel like I may have led him to think that we could do whatever we wanted. I also fear that because of my seemingly loose, casual and seductive behaviors towards him, he could have learned from my bad example, and henceforth, continued to seek out other girls for his sexual desires.

Although he has always been living promiscuously himself, i feel like as a Christian, I should have been a better example, and not succumbed to the flesh and improper thoughts and behaviors. Therefore I feel a greater burden upon myself for perhaps having led him back to his promiscuous ways of living.

I too fear that because I acted quite improperly towards him, he could have learned from me and started acting improperly towards other girls. (though he has always been close to females, and has been promiscuous himself)

Since at times, he would try to act proper and do the right thing too.

What should I do now..?

I feel responsible for his illicit relationship with his friend's girlfriend. He was seeing her the entire time he was seeing me as well, and i worry that he could have been more motivated to go after her after seeing how i went after him. Is there any way I could make things right again..?

 

[Saucy]

Well, the first thing you should do is sit down with him and talk about it. Talk about everything you just shared here. And if he still keeps at it, then just stop talking with the guy and move on. You don't want someone in your life who might tempt you to go back to your old ways.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Thank you for your reply!

But what if he does not even want to meet up with me?

Examine yourself young lady.First none of that is your business. All of you are single( I think), all are adults(hopefully),If it is over between you and him, let it be over. He is not cheating on you.What I see in your OP is you want to control his behavior. That is not healthy for you.

 

[pastellee]

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[Handmaid for Jesus]

Examine myself...? He is not cheating on me, but he is cheating with his friend's girlfriend. I wanted to break all ties with him once and for all before, but he did not want to, and instead told me that we should just stop seeing one another "for a while", but that he did not know for how long. He would still respond from time to time, and it seems like though he does not want to meet up with me during this sensitive period, he still wants to come back in the future, once I've stopped trying to meddle in his relationships with other women.

And I feel somewhat responsible for correcting his behavior... :/

Let him go! You are not responsible for his behavior. That you think you are is called codependency. Do not wait for him. He is playing you like a fiddle. You go on about your life sweetheart. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don't let yourself be used like that.

 

[pastellee]

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[Handmaid for Jesus]

But I can't help having thoughts that if I had not acted in a certain way towards him, he would not have approached his friend's girlfriend, and talked about my flirtatious behaviors with her.

You cannot undo what is already past. Repent to God and forgive yourself, go and sin no more.

What if the both of them got aroused, while talking about such topics, and ended up sinning sexually with one another..? Then it would have become my fault for having led them to sin.

Put these thoughts away. They are adults, and responsible for their own behavior. It is not your fault. Plus Lord Jesus died for the sins of the world, not you.

 

[Sketcher]

Sometimes you can't fix what you helped to break.

He has to want to stop cheating. I don't know how you can make him not want to do that anymore.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[Greg J.]

The Ezekiel passage means someone might need to make sure he is aware that he can choose God or choose to sin, but not both (Matthew 6:24). He is in a state of rejecting God. If he doesn't consider what he is doing a sin, then making sure he knows that comes first. However if you have done the same thing, you might not be the right person to do that. Either way, it sounds like he is intentionally resisting God, and I agree with others who thing it may be best to cut off your relationship with him (1 Corinthians 15:33). Doubly so because he sounds like someone who would be unable (at this time of his life) to remain faithful to anyone. You cannot change him. That is something only God can do. He can choose to resist his natural instincts, but it typically takes years of effort to solidify that, and it sounds like he hasn't even started.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[Greg J.]

I don't know either of you or your relationship well enough to suggest what might work or not. Trying to teach him new meanings to right and wrong probably won't work. Strictly behaving according to what God says is right as a personal decision will have a good long-term effect on him (but the effect may not be visible). Pointing out what God considers right and wrong might be useful if he doesn't know.

Do what you can do, not what you can't do, then leave the rest up to God. Don't try to control any other person under any circumstances. Trust God to deal with him in the best ways possible. You need to let any idea of "improving him" go from your heart and then just accept him as he is (which may mean not spending time with him). You cannot change him. I realize it doesn't always seem to be the case, because we can adjust our behavior (and we usually should be trying to be better people in line with God's commands), but that doesn't automatically result in a transformation in character. A person's true character can only be seen when the person is in pain or under pressure, and is only changed by God, and even then it is almost always a very slow process.

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Hello Greg, thank you for your reply...

Do you think if it would be more possible for him to humble himself, and repent, if I were to apologize to him first? Though I had tried that once, and all he said was "I guess it works both ways". :/ Maybe if I tried to apologize to him again, he might realize what I was doing was wrong, and therefore not mimic me?

Dear one.Please stop trying to take responsibility for this man's sin. That is not your job. Leave it alone. My concern for you is that you may inadvertently shipwreck your own faith by trying to have a face to face with this man. You did say that there was something between you two in the past. This overwhelming desire you have to see him is temptation.The best you can do for him is to pray for him. If he is a Christian, Lord Jesus knows how to deliver him.You need to concentrate on yourself. Get the beam out of your own eye, you are not seeing clearly enough to be trying,to clear the mote in this man's eye.Your expressed logic here is illogical. Why would you want to break up this man's intrest in another woman. He is single and from your report so is she. Yes she has a boyfriend but maybe she likes the other guy better. Like I said, it is not your business who this guy pursues. You are going to get hurt if you don't stop interfering. Now if your over concern is because you want him and are a little jealous that he is interested in another woman and you are trying to rekindle your relationship with him, maybe that is really what you are not telling us. Is this the real case?

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Sometimes you can't fix what you helped to break.

He has to want to stop cheating. I don't know how you can make him not want to do that anymore.

Is it cheating if all parties are single?

 

[pastellee]

~

 

[pastellee]

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[Handmaid for Jesus]

Hello, nope I have decided that I no longer want to be with this guy, as I do not agree with his moral choices...

I have stopped wanting to see him since a long time ago, and only wanted to talk to him in person again because i had things i wanted to apologize to him about. and also things i wanted to talk to him about with regards to some things he had confided in me in the past too, that are sinful in God's eyes (i.e. being single but with kids).

If both the guy and the girl really were upfront and open about their relationship, and not cheating, i would not have cared, but the guy has been trying to gaslight me into believing that he has not been in a relationship with her. I really do not agree with their ways and somehow feel like if I had not pursued him back then, he would not have gone after this girl either, and things would not be as complicated now. As my interest in him seemed to give him confidence in himself to pursue her (each time i asked him out in the past, he would ask her out after we met as well).

I say again, check yourself. It is not your business who he chooses to pursue. Count your blessings that he no longer pursues you if he is morally bankrupt.You dodged a bullet.Personally, I have given my best advice to you. Take it or leave it.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

Um... that girl was already in a relationship with another man before this guy came into the picture... And through it all, I think that the guy already knew that what he was doing wasn't very glorious, which was why he tried to hide it from me.

But she is not married.