How do I get through to him?

[Sheagle]

Any ideas how to communicate my needs to my husband?
It seems if I share something with him he will change for about 1 day then return to his old habits.
Nothing I am saying seems to sink in!

To clarify, the specific things I have asked him (in a respectful way) are:
1. To help me around the house a bit sometimes (maybe wash the dishes once in a while etc.)
2. Not to roll over and go to sleep after sex if I havent got a chance to O. Its hard to sleep with my body all wound up & not able to relax.

Any ideas?

 

[annafullofgrace]

I'd be respectively blunt and just say what you want/need. Men don't typically read between the lines-just tell him. That's the policy my hubs and I have anyway-perhaps it'll work for you guys too.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Praise him when he does what you want more of and don't when he doesn't.

 

[look4hope]

I would suggest being blunt, straight forward, no sugar coating, but its easier said than done. I tend to be the one who does that "one day- one week"" change, and got back to my old ways. I don't do it consciously. Not to Hurt my hubby's feelings or hurt my family. At least that's how I see it. It's hard. It's depressing, not being able to change completely, not temporarily. Reasurement of your love and sincere reasons why you want him to succeed into making positive changes for your family.

 

[ValleyGal]

Boundaries. "I am less inclined to want to give you an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] if you are not likely to reciprocate, and your unwillingness to reciprocate is going to have a negative impact on our marriage overall. A happy sex life involves two people's happiness, not just one."

As for the dishes, stop doing his. Do yours as you need them. Maybe he will get the hint that he needs to do his share at home.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I agree with the advice to be blunt. In one of our counseling sessions, that was the advice I was given. Don't tiptoe around. Be blunt and straightforward without being rude or sarcastic (VERY DIFFICULT). Make your expectations plain. If you want help around the house, tell him exactly what you expect, such as "I cook dinner every night, I expect you to wash the dishes/load the dishwasher". Then, if he doesn't do it, you don't cook dinner. My husband's excuse for not doing dishes/cleaning up after dinner was "you wreck the kitchen when you cook". My response was "you like what I cook, right? You want me to continue cooking dinner, right? Well...if I cook, you clean up instead of sitting on your behind watching TV."

Regarding the sex thing...you may have to show him exactly what he needs to do to bring you to O. But that rolling over and going to sleep thing would not work for me, my response to that would be "umm...no, we are not having sex."

 

[Inkachu]

I agree with the rest who suggest being straightforward and blunt (but still KIND, don't get mean). But also, be consistent and be persistent. Don't ask him once and then expect him to remember it forever. Men - bless their lil hearts - have brains that are rather like Swiss cheese... stuff falls through the holes, despite their best intentions lol. Now, if you're repeating yourself on a weekly basis for 20 years, something is wrong But you may need to revisit the issue several times before it becomes normal and habit for him.

 

[mkgal1]

Men - bless their lil hearts - have brains that are rather like Swiss cheese... stuff falls through the holes, despite their best intentions lol.

Inka.....

 

[Inkachu]

Inka.....

What? lol

 

[mkgal1]

Any ideas how to communicate my needs to my husband?
It seems if I share something with him he will change for about 1 day then return to his old habits.
Nothing I am saying seems to sink in!

To clarify, the specific things I have asked him (in a respectful way) are:
1. To help me around the house a bit sometimes (maybe wash the dishes once in a while etc.)
2. Not to roll over and go to sleep after sex if I havent got a chance to O. Its hard to sleep with my body all wound up & not able to relax.

Any ideas?

For help out around the house.....that's probably something that's best negotiated between the two of you. Instead of "telling" him (not that I'm suggested you've done that)----it should be more of an agreement (and, I think, that will be more long-lasting). It *all* depends on his desire, though. If he is more concerned with doing as he pleases....no matter how you approach the topic the results will remain the same (most likely).

On the topic of sex, though---I realize it's not a popular response, but I believe you have every right to say that unless this is going to be about the TWO of you---you aren't interested (that it makes you feel used and it interferes with your sleep). I'd probably add that instead of bringing the two of you closer (as it should).......his habit of rolling over is making sex about angst and possible resentment.

 

[mkgal1]

What? lol

I'm hesitant to post more. I'm lacking the proper words right now. I'll just leave it at the fact that I'm not a fan of stereotypes.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I would also advise getting a dry erase board or bulletin board to hang in a very visible place (ours is on the wall next to the pantry). On there, write down things needed from the grocery store, chores that need to be done, appointments, etc. Let him know you expect him to read what's on there and then choose a chore to do, an errand to run or something like that.

Having that is stopping a lot of "I didn't know" or "I forgot". It's really hard to "forget" when it's right in front of you in a very visible place.

 

[lisah]

How about asking for help while you are doing it. Doing chores together can be a very positive experience, if you work well together.

If you don't . . . completely ignore this.

Regarding sex, find out how you can help him out in the bedroom so you can achieve [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. For instance, you might need to slow him down, or find a way to focus only on you for a time.

 

[.chrys.]

<tongue in cheek>
<sarcasm alert>

Don't do the dishes until after sex. With your body wound up, you'll have the energy and the angst to get those dishes REALLY clean!

<on a serious note>

Beats me, honestly. It's taken 25 years of marriage and he's finally starting to help around the house a whole lot more. The year my husband lost his job he got to see all the things I do everyday that keep this household running and the kids fed. Maybe he just learned that it's not as easy as he thought.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Inkachu
I agree with the rest who suggest being straightforward and blunt (but still KIND, don't get mean). But also, be consistent and be persistent. Don't ask him once and then expect him to remember it forever. Men - bless their lil hearts - have brains that are rather like Swiss cheese... stuff falls through the holes, despite their best intentions lol. Now, if you're repeating yourself on a weekly basis for 20 years, something is wrong

But you may need to revisit the issue several times before it becomes normal and habit for him

[FONT=&quot]Inkachu is right on for me. I LIKE IT BLUNT![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I want to be reminded rather than fail to please.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I can get it after several times of her being very blunt and kind. I can turn my Swiss cheese brain into a jalapeno hot pepper cheese after you work with me for a while![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]As for the sex thing, I also like MKGAL and ValleyGal's post on that subject.
[/FONT]

 

[RedPonyDriver]

something else that works...although I wouldn't necessarily suggest it as a great idea is to go on strike. He doesn't help, then it doesn't get done. I didn't cook AT ALL for probably a couple of months. We had the agreement that I cooked and he cleaned up but then he decided that I made too much of a mess and cleaning it up took time away from his TV watching...so I stopped cooking COMPLETELY! If it wasn't take-out or microwavable, forget it. He got all boo boo hurt about it so I told him...I cook, you clean. You don't clean, I don't cook. It worked...

BUT...then again I'm a mean one who doesn't usually play very nice....

 

[LinkH]

Any ideas how to communicate my needs to my husband?
It seems if I share something with him he will change for about 1 day then return to his old habits.
Nothing I am saying seems to sink in!

To clarify, the specific things I have asked him (in a respectful way) are:
1. To help me around the house a bit sometimes (maybe wash the dishes once in a while etc.)

Proverbs 25:15 says that 'a gentle word can break a bone.' Some wives think that turning into harpies will motivate their husband, when it just brings discord. (Not saying that's you, of course.)

Are you both working and then you get stuck with the dishes at the end of the day? If you were stay-at-home with no kids or he spent a lot of time working outside, your doing the dishes might make sense as far as division of labor goes. If you are both working full-time, leaving you with all the housework isn't a balanced 'division of labor' from that perspective. But I don't agree with telling him you won't wash his dishes anymore. I don't see how that lines up with Ephesians 5 or I Peter 3. But if you are both working and he expects you to cook and do all the dishes on top of that, you can tell him how you think it is unfair, explain how it makes you feel, then get up right then and do the dishes and let him think about it and see how he reacts.

You don't want your marriage to become this kind of contractual relationship that is all about being 'fair' either. "You did this. So I'll do that." You didn't do this, so I won't do that for you. You want to be giving and serving because you love each other, without limiting it to whatever the other person did for you. Tit for tat isn't a good situation in marriage. You want a relationship where you are loving and serving each other without keeping score.

2. Not to roll over and go to sleep after sex if I havent got a chance to O. Its hard to sleep with my body all wound up & not able to relax.

Can we really talk about this here? I'd suggest you really talk about the issue. Tell him what you'd like him to do. Being sleepy after he's finished is normal. You could suggest he take care of your needs first, before going all the way with other activities.

 

[moerunamida]

I've been married coming up on 3 years. My husband is the laziest person I have ever met. The man cannot even pick up his dirty dishes and load them into the empty dishwasher (let alone just bring them to the kitchen). I've asked, begged, pleaded, and even took drastic measures all to no avail. Your husband is who he is, and the only way he will change is if he truly wants to by his own accord. If you get on his case about it, you unfortunately become a nag. In my opinion this is a catch 22. In the end, silence suffices. It's far better to have harmony in my household even if it is at my expensive once in awhile.

Most days I am good, and I fully accept that I have to pick up after my husband all the time. Other times, I crack and start a bickering match. On those bad days, I have to remind myself of the good my husband does for me. My husband is the cook of the household. I cannot cook and I do not enjoy it, but he loves to and usually cooks for us everyday even after work.

So all in all, it's more like a trade.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Any ideas how to communicate my needs to my husband?
It seems if I share something with him he will change for about 1 day then return to his old habits.
Nothing I am saying seems to sink in!

To clarify, the specific things I have asked him (in a respectful way) are:
1. To help me around the house a bit sometimes (maybe wash the dishes once in a while etc.)
2. Not to roll over and go to sleep after sex if I havent got a chance to O. Its hard to sleep with my body all wound up & not able to relax.

Any ideas?

Have you tried nagging?

 

[pdudgeon]

Any ideas how to communicate my needs to my husband?
It seems if I share something with him he will change for about 1 day then return to his old habits.
Nothing I am saying seems to sink in!

To clarify, the specific things I have asked him (in a respectful way) are:
1. To help me around the house a bit sometimes (maybe wash the dishes once in a while etc.)
2. Not to roll over and go to sleep after sex if I haven't got a chance to O. Its hard to sleep with my body all wound up & not able to relax.

Any ideas?

First, take a long hard look at you FIL. This is the role model your husband has for "how to be a husband". If your FIL isn't doing these things around his house, then you'll be breaking new ground in your marriage.

Secondly, take a hard look at his male friends, buddies and guys he works with. How they treat their own wives will tell you a lot about what your husband thinks is 'normal'.

If the things you want in your own marriage aren't happening in those two places, then you'll need to bring in some 'outside authority' into your marriage (that your husband will respect) in order to establish the fact that other guys think in this way and do these things to show their love for their wives...

somewhere the idea that 'this is something my wife wants' needs to change to 'this is how i show her as a man that i love her'.