How do I explain death to a child?

[Neenie1]

My dad is slowly dying. (it's a liver problem related to alcohol and his body is slowly shutting down, the doctors are saying he may only have a few months left, he's been in and out of hospital all year, the lastest complication is a bleed in the brain and because he has no blood clotting agents in his blood he can't be operated on because surgery will kill him - so yes it's pretty serious)

I have no idea what to say to my children, they are 3 and 6. Dd (3) I don't think she will really understand what's going on and hasn't seen much of my dad for a while (as he's been in and out of the hospital all year) but does know my mum well. I think the main thing that will affect her is the emotions of everyone else, you know how kids pick up on it if someone is sad or under stress. So I am trying so hard to be "normal" in this and not fall apart. Easier said than done.

My ds - I told him a while ago that grandpa is sick and he might not be alive for very much longer. He didn't really respond to that. I don't know if I should keep telling him or just wait until my dad dies and then tell him then. I just have no idea how to handle this.

Also - should I take them to the funeral - I know it's morbid and it's sad, but really. He has been told that he only has months.

 

[Lisa0315]

My dad is slowly dying. (it's a liver problem related to alcohol and his body is slowly shutting down, the doctors are saying he may only have a few months left, he's been in and out of hospital all year, the lastest complication is a bleed in the brain and because he has no blood clotting agents in his blood he can't be operated on because surgery will kill him - so yes it's pretty serious)

I have no idea what to say to my children, they are 3 and 6. Dd (3) I don't think she will really understand what's going on and hasn't seen much of my dad for a while (as he's been in and out of the hospital all year) but does know my mum well. I think the main thing that will affect her is the emotions of everyone else, you know how kids pick up on it if someone is sad or under stress. So I am trying so hard to be "normal" in this and not fall apart. Easier said than done.

My ds - I told him a while ago that grandpa is sick and he might not be alive for very much longer. He didn't really respond to that. I don't know if I should keep telling him or just wait until my dad dies and then tell him then. I just have no idea how to handle this.

Also - should I take them to the funeral - I know it's morbid and it's sad, but really. He has been told that he only has months.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

My daughter was five when her grandpa died. It was sudden. There was no time to prepare her. I tried to explain about heaven to her and she told her cousin the day of the funeral that Grandpa was going to be there in a new body. I learned that five year olds are very literal. They are just beginning to be able to tell the difference between fact and fantasy.

We did take our daughter to the funeral but not to the burial. We did not take my son who was not even two years old yet.

My advice is for you to call hospice and ask for their advice. I called after the fact and they were the ones who explained about how kids that age take things so literally. They can probably help you come up with words that a six year old can understand.

Lisa

 

[CelticRose]

Neenie, We have always taken our kids with us to funerals. They accepted that death was a *rite of passage* so to speak & prefered to be included & part of the process than sidelined as being *too young*. We have had some funny looks but the kids actually helped some of the older people.

It does depend a lot on the child & the family dynamics. Our children did expect to be included in the mourning process. It was actually easier when they were younger. My dad & then my youngest brother died when the kids were 21, 18,16 &10. The 10 yr old took it really hard; old enough to understand the finality of death, not old enough to process it properly, but they all found it really hard, especially my brother's death which was the result of a flying accident & completely unexpected.

We did keep talking about what was happening when my dad wasn't improving so they were prepared for his death though we visited before he died & again that was pretty hard on everyone.

These things are never easy & I have no wise words for you but I have been there if you want to talk.

 

[Neenie1]

Lisa - I don't want to talk so muich about heaven with my ds. Simply because I don't know for sure that my dad is a Christian. I know that he has heard the gospel at least once, possibly more. I used to invite him to my church when I was still living at home and he was there one day when they did an altar call (which he didn't respond to) and has also done an Alpha course with my mum. I know he has heard the gospel but I don't know if he is a Christian so I won't tell my son that grandpa is going to heaven because I don't know for sure if he is. Now the thing I face is also communicating the gospel to my dad. I have prayed about it, and he is interested in Astronomy (but can't use his telescope at the moment because it is middle of Winter and these drugs he is on are making him feel the cold too much at night). I really feel the right thing to do at this stage is to give him the Indescribable DVD. I haven't even seen it, it's just that is what I feel God is wanting me to do. So I said to God well then I have to have the finances, and an hour or so after, I got a phone call for some babysitting, so God does answer prayer. (lol, well and truly, it's enough to pay for the DVD, and to take the kids out somewhere fun in the holidays)

Celtic Rose - no it's not easy, and I guess this has sort of been happening all year and you would think I am used to it. I know I should be all sad - and I am, but I'm not crying. I'm sort of in denial. To hear that the doctors are finally saying that it's only a few months. I guess he's just going to get sicker and sicker and I don't know what my parents are going to do, because mum is only 57 and still has to work full time - so I don't know if she will eventually have to become his carer or what will happen.

 

[Hadassah]

I have no advise, but I wanted you to know I'd been in the position of your little ones.

My dad's father (who I was very close to) died in surgery when I was around 2 years old. Mom was expecting my brother at the time, and my dad was out to sea in the Middle East when it happened. I don't remember if I was taken to the funeral home or not, but I know I didn't go to the gravesite until after the fact.

When my great grandmother (maternal side) passed away at the funeral home, I was around 6 or 7. I remember the funeral vaguely, but I think my parents brought us home before the burial.


I don't even know what they told us, but I remember it being explained that they are no longer with us in our lives, but they stay with us every day in our hearts. We will miss them lots, but she was sure they missed us too.

 

[£amb]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through right now. Advice like this is so hard to give cause all children are different in how they handle or hear about things like this.

Even when my mom passed away over a year ago, it was hard for me to find the right words to let my boys know (and they are old enough to understand death). I simply told them that Grandma was very sick and we will not see her again until we go to heaven. I know for your dad it's alittle different in how you would need to explain to them since you're not sure of his salvation. This sounds really strange, but it's the only advice I have for you....call a funeral home and get some advice on how to explain situations like this to young children. They are quite prepared for things like this. When my brother's father-in-law passed away, the funeral home had a special thing for my niece (who was 6 yr. old) in which they gave her special time and they answered some of her questions. It was really nice.

If you do take your children to the funeral, make sure to have back-up help. What I mean is have someone there to help with the kids when you need them to. You may be busy at times, and will need extra-hands.

Here's a couple more hugs!!

 

[BeanMak]

In trying to be "normal", let your children see your sadness! THAT is normal. Let them know that sadness and grief is a normal part of life, and that it is really ok to have these feelings. You can let them know Grandpa is very sick and sometimes when people are very sick, they die and we miss them very much. Let them know we can keep good thoughts about them in our hearts. Let them know it is ok to talk about them.

 

[jgonz]

I agree with the above advice....

And, as far as him not being a Believer, definately mention that to the kids~ praying for his salvation will give them something to contribute to the situation.

(((hugs)))

 

[Lisa0315]

I agree with the above advice....

And, as far as him not being a Believer, definately mention that to the kids~ praying for his salvation will give them something to contribute to the situation.

(((hugs)))

I don't know if I agree with that. These kids are very, very young. If they were a few years older, say age ten or above, then, I would agree with you. However, I think this could cause them severe Spiritual harm. The mind of a child is a very delicate thing. I don't think that I would introduce them to the concept of salvation and hell in the same breath as the possibility of their grandpa dying.

Lisa

 

[LoisGriffin]

My granddad died when I was 7. I remember it so well even now. I am personally glad my parents didn't take me to the funeral. I said goodbye to him in my own way to be honest. The were very honest with me about everything and the same with my little brother who was 4 at the time.

The first funeral I went to was when I was 14 which was a classmates funeral who died of a very short and deadly illness (took her within 24 hours). I was more mature and ready for that because I understood death more.

 

[jgonz]

Lisa, that's true, I'd forgotten how young her kids are. I had to go back and look after you said that... 3 & 6... that is young. When our 3rd child died, my two oldest were 5.5 and 4. We were honest with them about what was going on and encouraged them to talk about her if they needed to. She still comes up to this day (she'd be 20 yrs old now). The younger kids love to say that she's in heaven and that they will meet her one day. (All my kids except the baby have accepted the L-rd).

 

[Neenie1]

Thanks for the input. I am just so sad, I don't know how long he has got, so probably should really be thinking "funerals" at the moment.

 

[GolfingMom]

Thanks for the input. I am just so sad, I don't know how long he has got, so probably should really be thinking "funerals" at the moment.

 

[marezee]

Neenie! I just want to say i am so sorry to hear that your dad is dying. i will pray for your strength and wisom with your children through all of this!

 

[Neenie1]

Aw thanks.