How do I break up correctly?

[EtainSkirata]

Okay so, I've been on here so many times trying to analyze my relationship with my bf... I'm calling it off. He's not ready to marry me, we came very close to committing "all the way" kind of sexual sin, and in general I don't respect him as I should.

However. In the last 24 hours I've said some very mean things to him. He said he was hurt, I did a 180 and asked him not to break up (I felt dread in me when he said he was hurt, but I didn't want him to break up with me, I wanted to be the one to do it). He said we need to take a break until Saturday.

I wrote him an apology I intend to read him, because he's a person and deserves not to be sinned against (my foul words). Once I'm done reading that, I want to then politely tell him I want to break up.

Two thoughts I have:
1) after I apologize, ask him what he wants to do and hope he says break up
2) tell him I want to break up right after I apologize

I don't want to tell him I disrespect him, except--I already did last night.

So how would I politely word it that we should end things? He made mistakes on his part and I don't want to minimize those; I had told him I want to get married and he didn't take much initiative at all to move us along towards that. It's been a year and he should know by now if he wants to get married. I mean, I could just say that?

 

[Neogaia777]

Okay so, I've been on here so many times trying to analyze my relationship with my bf... I'm calling it off. He's not ready to marry me, we came very close to committing "all the way" kind of sexual sin, and in general I don't respect him as I should.

However. In the last 24 hours I've said some very mean things to him. He said he was hurt, I did a 180 and asked him not to break up (I felt dread in me when he said he was hurt, but I didn't want him to break up with me, I wanted to be the one to do it). He said we need to take a break until Saturday.

I wrote him an apology I intend to read him, because he's a person and deserves not to be sinned against (my foul words). Once I'm done reading that, I want to then politely tell him I want to break up.

Two thoughts I have:
1) after I apologize, ask him what he wants to do and hope he says break up
2) tell him I want to break up right after I apologize

I don't want to tell him I disrespect him, except--I already did last night.

So how would I politely word it that we should end things? He made mistakes on his part and I don't want to minimize those; I had told him I want to get married and he didn't take much initiative at all to move us along towards that. It's been a year and he should know by now if he wants to get married. I mean, I could just say that?

Why you are wanting to break up with him should be of paramount importance.

Is it because you're angry or frustrated at the moment? Because, if so, you might regret it after it is done.

Is it because you want to get married and he doesn't? Again, you might regret it after it is done, etc.

Or do you just not think he is "the one" for you, and you're pretty sure of it/that? If so, you might be getting closer to the right reasons why, etc.

Or do you think you need some time on your own, or time being single, to maybe work on yourself, or analyze what you want, and your own priorities? If so, you might be getting even closer to the right reasons why, etc.

Either way, be honest with him, and tell him all the true reasons why, and don't do it from a place of emotion, or from being in an emotional state of mind.

God Bless.

 

[BeyondET]

Who would say take a break until Saturday. I find that a bit odd. Does he have other dates in that time frame.

 

[Sabri]

Who would say take a break until Saturday. I find that a bit odd. Does he have other dates in that time frame.

Lol

 

[Sabri]

Lol

 

[Soyeong]

Okay so, I've been on here so many times trying to analyze my relationship with my bf... I'm calling it off. He's not ready to marry me, we came very close to committing "all the way" kind of sexual sin, and in general I don't respect him as I should.

However. In the last 24 hours I've said some very mean things to him. He said he was hurt, I did a 180 and asked him not to break up (I felt dread in me when he said he was hurt, but I didn't want him to break up with me, I wanted to be the one to do it). He said we need to take a break until Saturday.

I wrote him an apology I intend to read him, because he's a person and deserves not to be sinned against (my foul words). Once I'm done reading that, I want to then politely tell him I want to break up.

Two thoughts I have:
1) after I apologize, ask him what he wants to do and hope he says break up
2) tell him I want to break up right after I apologize

I don't want to tell him I disrespect him, except--I already did last night.

So how would I politely word it that we should end things? He made mistakes on his part and I don't want to minimize those; I had told him I want to get married and he didn't take much initiative at all to move us along towards that. It's been a year and he should know by now if he wants to get married. I mean, I could just say that?

I think that the major decisions in a relationship should be made jointly as far as it is possible, so instead of one person unilaterally deciding to break up after fuming over problems that the other is blissfully unaware of leaving the other to wonder what happened, it would be better for both to sit down to have a conversation about the state of their relationship. For example, saying that if your relationship is going to continue, then certain things need things need to change, and if no progress towards those changes is made by a certain time, then the relationship will end, then discuss ways to go about making those changes. This treats them with respect, it values their input, it them to emotionally prepare for the possibility of the relationship ending, it gives them a chance to make changes, an if they don't make changes, then at the very least they have a good understanding of why the relationship ended and they and they shoulder part of the responsibility for it ending by being unwilling to makes those changes.

I'm not sure how much this applies to your situation given what has already happened, but if you can, tell him that there are things that are leading your to consider breaking up with him and give him a chance to make changes. For example, if there there are things that he is doing that are causing your not to respect him or if there are things that he could be doing that would cause you to respect him, then discuss those things. When weighing whether or not you want to get married to someone, it can also be important to know how well they handle conflict resolution. For example, it is a good sign when someone is able to recognize when to take a break and from a conflict and to return to the matter at a specified time in the future. Likewise, it can also be a good sign if you say mean things to him and he doesn't escalate the situation by saying mean things to you in return, though it is also good if you have control over your tongue so that you don't say mean things in the first place. Being quick to forgive is also important.

Two people generally learn enough about each other within the first year to have a pretty good idea of whether or not they want to get married and it is unlikely that anything learned about each other after the first year would sway that decision one way or the other, so I agree that a year is generally a sufficient amount time, though that can vary depending on how much they communicate and facts, though if you have expectations in this regard, then it is important to communicate them. The person that you decide to get married to is one of the most importance decisions in your life, so if you don't have a high degree of certainty after the first year and they are unwilling to make changes that you have communicated, then you are likely doing each other a favor by breaking up so that you can both use your time to find someone else who is a better fit.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Who would say take a break until Saturday. I find that a bit odd. Does he have other dates in that time frame.

He works nights and I work days so we don't have a chance to talk in person until Saturday.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I think that the major decisions in a relationship should be made jointly as far as it is possible, so instead of one person unilaterally deciding to break up after fuming over problems that the other is blissfully unaware of leaving the other to wonder what happened, it would be better for both to sit down to have a conversation about the state of their relationship. For example, saying that if your relationship is going to continue, then certain things need things need to change, and if no progress towards those changes is made by a certain time, then the relationship will end, then discuss ways to go about making those changes. This treats them with respect, it values their input, it them to emotionally prepare for the possibility of the relationship ending, it gives them a chance to make changes, an if they don't make changes, then at the very least they have a good understanding of why the relationship ended and they and they shoulder part of the responsibility for it ending by being unwilling to makes those changes.

I'm not sure how much this applies to your situation given what has already happened, but if you can, tell him that there are things that are leading your to consider breaking up with him and give him a chance to make changes. For example, if there there are things that he is doing that are causing your not to respect him or if there are things that he could be doing that would cause you to respect him, then discuss those things. When weighing whether or not you want to get married to someone, it can also be important to know how well they handle conflict resolution. For example, it is a good sign when someone is able to recognize when to take a break and from a conflict and to return to the matter at a specified time in the future. Likewise, it can also be a good sign if you say mean things to him and he doesn't escalate the situation by saying mean things to you in return, though it is also good if you have control over your tongue so that you don't say mean things in the first place. Being quick to forgive is also important.

Two people generally learn enough about each other within the first year to have a pretty good idea of whether or not they want to get married and it is unlikely that anything learned about each other after the first year would sway that decision one way or the other, so I agree that a year is generally a sufficient amount time, though that can vary depending on how much they communicate and facts, though if you have expectations in this regard, then it is important to communicate them. The person that you decide to get married to is one of the most importance decisions in your life, so if you don't have a high degree of certainty after the first year and they are unwilling to make changes that you have communicated, then you are likely doing each other a favor by breaking up so that you can both use your time to find someone else who is a better fit.

I mean, I've TOLD him I want to get married. His response is that we need to take time to work on ourselves. Which is odd, you can do that in a marriage.

As far as the respect question, I think there's a lot of factors, but I just think maybe our personalities just don't quite mesh up. For some reason I feel like he's my younger brother sometimes. And I feel like I need to correct him, guide him, whatever. I can't point to a specific instance.


But I go back and forth on this, because there are things I DO respect about him. His knowledge of world events, his steadfast fight against the sin in the world, his knowledge of nutrition and exercise. Today I had an issue in traffic and I wanted to call him and get reassurance--but we haven't been speaking and probably won't until Saturday.

My father thinks we need to break up given the sexual sin and the fact that he won't commit to me. I've already told our pastor too that im breaking up with him and asked for prayers (been seeing him for biblical counseling). And my bf himself said that he doesn't know what I could say to mend the hurtful things I said.

I intend to apologize for treating him poorly. But I'm struggling with locking down my specific reasons for breaking up

 

[Sabri]

He works nights and I work days so we don't have a chance to talk in person until Saturday.

I agree. That sounds fishy.

 

[BeyondET]

He works nights and I work days so we don't have a chance to talk in person until Saturday.

On the two thoughts you have, number 2 is the way to go, short and sweet good bye.

Its your feelings that matters in the long run if you are 100% sure it's not working out, appears thats where you are it. Prolonging the inevitable usely is not a wise choice for both party's involved. You could do it before Saturday

 

[angelsaroundme]

My suggestion is to do it as gently as possible to spare him and yourself. If you do it harshly, you're very likely to beat yourself up over it later as someone with OCD.

My other suggestion is to do very serious work on your OCD in general, and especially your relationship OCD, before getting into another relationship. OCD is called the doubting disease. It can exacerbate the normal stress of relationships to what seems like unbearable levels, often leading to the person projecting on to their partner, thinking they must be at fault for them to feel this way. Without getting better at managing your OCD the same problems are likely to arise in a future relationship.

 

[Sabri]

On the two thoughts you have, number 2 is the way to go, short and sweet good bye.

Its your feelings that matters in the long run if you are 100% sure it's not working out, appears thats where you are it. Prolonging the inevitable usely is not a wise choice for both party's involved. You could do it before Saturday

So why break up

I mean, I've TOLD him I want to get married. His response is that we need to take time to work on ourselves. Which is odd, you can do that in a marriage.

As far as the respect question, I think there's a lot of factors, but I just think maybe our personalities just don't quite mesh up. For some reason I feel like he's my younger brother sometimes. And I feel like I need to correct him, guide him, whatever. I can't point to a specific instance.


But I go back and forth on this, because there are things I DO respect about him. His knowledge of world events, his steadfast fight against the sin in the world, his knowledge of nutrition and exercise. Today I had an issue in traffic and I wanted to call him and get reassurance--but we haven't been speaking and probably won't until Saturday.

My father thinks we need to break up given the sexual sin and the fact that he won't commit to me. I've already told our pastor too that im breaking up with him and asked for prayers (been seeing him for biblical counseling). And my bf himself said that he doesn't know what I could say to mend the hurtful things I said.

I intend to apologize for treating him poorly. But I'm struggling with locking down my specific reasons for breaking up

it sounds light he’s trying to gas light you. If he’s a Christian. How can he justify dating you for about a year and not wanting to get married? It’s best to marry than to burn. I’ve seen this type of stuff happen all the time. The man holds the proposal/marriage until he’s “tasted and see”. He wants to first have sex so he knows what he’s getting.

 

[bèlla]

Marriage is a serious commitment and shouldn't be entered lightly if either are uncertain of their willingness to work together and stay the course. Just because you like someone or you're attracted to them doesn't mean there's enough undergirding those feelings to make a marriage.

Men aren't complicated. If you acknowledged your desire for marriage and he admitted the same but didn't follow with a plan or time frame there's a reason. In this instance, he believes the pairing can't go forward without some housekeeping beforehand to create healthier parts for the union.

He's unwilling to marry you as you are right now. While it's impossible to gauge all the stumbling blocks the ocd is probably a factor and disrespect doesn't move the needle in your favor. If anything, it works against you. Wanting to be the one to end it is unimportant. You're exploring the possibility for companionship. There's no guarantees.

It's important to take responsibility for our actions. You're equally accountable for the physical slips and should refrain from placing yourself in situations where sex could occur. You can't place the onus on the man alone. You have to control yourself too and set boundaries to protect yourself.

I agree with @angelsaroundme and believe time alone will allow you to grow and mature if used intentionally. Work towards emotional stability. A continuum of hot and cold or up and down with anyone is stressful. Men look to women for comfort and ease. While you're alone, build connections with older women in healthy marriages and start discovering what it implies.

Read Fascinating Womanhood and learn from it. Men overlook a lot if the woman respects and honors him and has a pleasing temperament. They don't want battles, push and pull or drama. You should be a source of peace and provide a respite (home and family).

Guarding the tongue is the biggest impediment for women. We frequently go too far and men aren't like us. Apologies aren't enough. Once you pierce him he'll protect himself to prevent further injury and you'll have to win back his trust.

The silence is two-fold. It allows him to calm down and consider his options. When a man wants to think he gets quiet. There's a way to say things. Telling him you don't respect him in an unloving manner isn't the way to share your heart and secure his ear. How we convey things is equally important to what is said. Learn the difference and try to do better next time. Good luck.

~bella

 

[EtainSkirata]

@angelsaroundme and @bèlla
Thank you for your words. I messed up in really big ways in this relationship, and I do intend to apologize to him. I've acted horribly. I wrote him a letter that hopefully helps, but I admit I've hurt him. It breaks my heart to know what I did.

The part I am struggling with is what exactly to say to him when I tell him we should break up. I know i don't give him the respect he deserves, and I struggle to do that. I KNOW it's something I can learn to do and to practice it until it becomes a habit. In fact, I could even give this relationship another try and try not to second guess him so much and try not to take charge so much.

But I just have a hard time sometimes letting him be in charge. It happens a lot. And maybe that's something a lot of women struggle with, maybe not.

I don't want to go into this and say, "I have a hard time respecting you; I know I could learn to do so but I don't want to with you." That's so mean and hurtful!

But the concrete issues are that he doesn't want to commit to marrying me. And that we sinned (and I do agree I had a part to play).

The respect part, though, is a huge underlying issue. And I just can't rationally explain it in a way that's honest without feeling like I'm being hurtful. It feels like an underlying personality clash, where I just feel like I can't let him be in charge, I feel like I have to correct him or guide him like a big sister. But this guy has been around the world twice in the military and is extremely smart!

We disagree on some ethical issues, and I've posted on here and on a FB support group about those. His convictions on some things are not the same as mine, but perhaps not necessarily wrong.

I just don't feel like I can continue in the relationship, but I can't explain why without second guessing myself or feeling like my reasons aren't enough. I can't even lock down a solid reason on WHY I don't feel like I can give him enough respect and allow him to lead. I just can't do it, and it feels like a failing on my part that I should try to work through and I'm being rude to choose not to work through it with him specifically.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Honestly I think part of it is because he's shorter than me and so I feel "bigger." Like I'm the leader because I'm bigger. But that is so stupid and shallow! And I DO let him lead sometimes, and I've asked him before to give me push back when I'm being stubborn or whatever.

 

[bèlla]

I wouldn't pledge myself to someone who doesn't respect me. That's a must for healthy relationships. While you're analyzing him have you scrutinized yourself in the same measure? What does he gain by choosing you? What is he taking on by saying yes? Everybody compromises.

Thank him for your time together and wish him the best. Everyone wants to valued. Men delight in respect and admiration. They want to be appreciated. If that isn't possible let him go.

~bella

 

[EtainSkirata]

I wouldn't pledge myself to someone who doesn't respect me. That's a must for healthy relationships. While you're analyzing him have you scrutinized yourself in the same measure? What does he gain by choosing you? What is he taking on by saying yes? Everybody compromises.

Thank him for your time together and wish him the best. Everyone wants to valued. Men delight in respect and admiration. They want to be appreciated. If that isn't possible let him go.

~bella

I've gone through some of my posts on here and I'm seeing just how badly my anxiety and inability to control my emotions has hurt this relationship.

I appreciate so many things about him. I keep telling myself that I can LEARN to respect him. I keep thinking I can give it another shot. Because he's amazing and on paper, the things I worry about aren't that bad. It's just that my emotions get in the way. And I wouldn't say there's a total lack of respect on my end.

 

[Terri Dactyl]

I mean, I've TOLD him I want to get married. His response is that we need to take time to work on ourselves. Which is odd, you can do that in a marriage.

As far as the respect question, I think there's a lot of factors, but I just think maybe our personalities just don't quite mesh up. For some reason I feel like he's my younger brother sometimes. And I feel like I need to correct him, guide him, whatever. I can't point to a specific instance.


But I go back and forth on this, because there are things I DO respect about him. His knowledge of world events, his steadfast fight against the sin in the world, his knowledge of nutrition and exercise. Today I had an issue in traffic and I wanted to call him and get reassurance--but we haven't been speaking and probably won't until Saturday.

My father thinks we need to break up given the sexual sin and the fact that he won't commit to me. I've already told our pastor too that im breaking up with him and asked for prayers (been seeing him for biblical counseling). And my bf himself said that he doesn't know what I could say to mend the hurtful things I said.

I intend to apologize for treating him poorly. But I'm struggling with locking down my specific reasons for breaking up

Sorry--the Bible says that is a man takes a womans flower, he commits no sin--let them marry. You have been together a long time. It is the most natural thing in the world to desire each other in a committed loving relationship.
And i can also understand the younger brother, friend stuff too. Your relationship will not always be the same. You interact with each other in different ways. We all have pluses and minuses in our relationships

 

[BeyondET]

So why break up

it sounds light he’s trying to gas light you. If he’s a Christian. How can he justify dating you for about a year and not wanting to get married? It’s best to marry than to burn. I’ve seen this type of stuff happen all the time. The man holds the proposal/marriage until he’s “tasted and see”. He wants to first have sex so he knows what he’s getting.

You certainly didn't understand what I said.

If someone is hoping the other person will do it or vise versa. There's no sense in prolonging the break up.

I am for the poster breaking up with the he.

It's pretty obvious he is not ready for marriage this year or next or could be 10 years down the road and still waiting.

Sounds like the OP wants to get married have a family possibly etc. Usually the marriages that last is the ones that both are excited about and can't wait to get married once the subject is brought up. I would think if a person is deeply in love they wouldn't hesitate.

 

[bèlla]

I've gone through some of my posts on here and I'm seeing just how badly my anxiety and inability to control my emotions has hurt this relationship.

I appreciate so many things about him. I keep telling myself that I can LEARN to respect him. I keep thinking I can give it another shot. Because he's amazing and on paper, the things I worry about aren't that bad. It's just that my emotions get in the way. And I wouldn't say there's a total lack of respect on my end.

A person whose emotions are erratic is challenging. Are you bipolar by chance?

How much experience have you had with the opposite sex? Do you believe you can find another? If so, how long did it take you to meet him? I ask for an important reason. If you want to get married you have to view yourself and your circumstances realistically.

Overestimation can compel you set aside promising suitors. How many men would stay the course as long as he has? And you can't respect that? You're living in an age when expectations are at their greatest. There's a lot of single women who want to get married. He's been in the military and around the world twice and intelligent too? Someone will grab him.

When we recognize our shortcomings and develop a humble opinion of ourselves we're more likely to see others in a similar light and be more appreciative. He has positive qualities and others less appealing as do you. Would you marry someone like yourself? Think about it. Would you turn a blind eye to the missteps and remain? Or prefer someone more even keeled? Now you're seeing things from his perspective.

That's how love works. You have to get outside of yourself to see the other person's viewpoint. That's when you see the grace and patience. You don't see your blessing. If you understood the magnitude of someone's willingness to bear your burden when they could have another without it you'd find the respect that evades you.

~bella