How do I be sympathetic but still do whats right?

[Macchiato]

So my daughter's dad his father passed. He also lost his brother some months ago. So he lost a dad and brother not too long ago . Court is around the corner for him and I almost thought of canceling the support bc he was going through a lot

But after talking to my mom she said no keep him on it. Don't let him use his dad's passing as an excuse to get off child support. A friend of mine said the same thing. To me it sounds so harsh but he hasn't helped me with her. I lost 3 jobs and my car broke down bc I had zero help. He's 15minutes away and hasn't gotten her to be with her.

My friend said to take my emotions out and do what's best for your daughter and I agree. It just seems harsh bc he's going through a lot. However, after he text me telling me he was putting tires and insurance in his car but not give me money for his daughter I just see him as selfish.

He also called me Satan bc I'm still getting child support.. so there's that.

I'm not being mean am I?

 

[BobRyan]

Some times when a person is resisting the Christian path and God wants to encourage him to change -- He adds pressure to the person. Like giving a rebellious child even more punishment when the first lighter punishment fails.

But at the same time - you are not God and don't know everything God is thinking. If your husband is truly unsaved there is a good chance he won't change at all just bc you cancelled/deferred the court date.

But I would be sure to express your sympathy with his circumstances. Give him an open door for reconciliation as Christians - so that he might at least consider being one.

 

[Macchiato]

Some times when a person is resisting the Christian path and God wants to encourage him to change -- He adds pressure to the person. Like giving a rebellious child even more punishment when the first lighter punishment fails.

But at the same time - you are not God and don't know everything God is thinking. If your husband is truly unsaved there is a good chance he won't change at all just bc you cancelled/deferred the court date.

But I would be sure to express your sympathy with his circumstances. Give him an open door for reconciliation as Christians - so that he might at least consider being one.

Me and him aren't married. He isn't saved ..yet. Hopefully he changes. I will pray for him though. I'm wary of being with him bc God warned me not to.

 

[BobRyan]

Me and him aren't married. He isn't saved ..yet. Hopefully he changes. I will pray for him though. I'm wary of being with him bc God warned me not to.

ok so it is still evangelism not marriage that is the point of your interaction at the same time that you are working for the safety and security of your child.

 

[Macchiato]

ok so it is still evangelism not marriage that is the point of your interaction at the same time that you are working for the safety and security of your child.

Huh? I had a hard time reading this.

 

[BobRyan]

Huh? I had a hard time reading this.

I am saying that since you are not married and since he is not a Christian - your primary goal interacting with him is to help him realize his need of salvation and to encourage him to support his daughter.

Suppose for example you and your daughter end up in heaven and he ends up in hell. At that point he says "all she wanted was to get something out of me -- never tried to encourage me toward eternal life it was only about money". That might not be very satisfying for you or your daughter at that point.

 

[Macchiato]

I am saying that since you are not married and since he is not a Christian - your primary goal interacting with him is to help him realize his need of salvation and to encourage him to support his daughter.

Suppose for example you and your daughter end up in heaven and he ends up in hell. At that point he says "all she wanted was to get something out of me -- never tried to encourage me toward eternal life it was only about money". That might not be very satisfying for you or your daughter at that point.

So... all I can do is pray at this point. I did want a relationship with him but God warned me not to pursue it any further. And no it's not about the money I simply need help taking care of her. I lost 3 of my jobs. I shouldn't have to shoulder this alone. When I tell him about financial providing for her it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

[lsume]

So my daughter's dad his father passed. He also lost his brother some months ago. So he lost a dad and brother not too long ago . Court is around the corner for him and I almost thought of canceling the support bc he was going through a lot

But after talking to my mom she said no keep him on it. Don't let him use his dad's passing as an excuse to get off child support. A friend of mine said the same thing. To me it sounds so harsh but he hasn't helped me with her. I lost 3 jobs and my car broke down bc I had zero help. He's 15minutes away and hasn't gotten her to be with her.

My friend said to take my emotions out and do what's best for your daughter and I agree. It just seems harsh bc he's going through a lot. However, after he text me telling me he was putting tires and insurance in his car but not give me money for his daughter I just see him as selfish.

He also called me Satan bc I'm still getting child support.. so there's that.

I'm not being mean am I?

The demise of his dad and brother have zero to do with taking care of his children.

 

[Macchiato]

The demise of his dad and brother have zero to do with taking care of his children.

True. I agree.

 

[turkle]

The demise of his dad and brother have zero to do with taking care of his children.

This is absolutely true. His grief is temporary, but if you let him off the hook for child support, you will be the sole support for your daughter for the next 18 years.

It's very nice that you want to give him a break because of his losses, but in the past you have talked about all the nice things you did for him and he didn't reciprocate. That resulted in your own resentment. What makes you think this would be any different?

It takes two to make a baby, and two to support her to adulthood. He is responsible, and his circumstances make no difference. Now that you are no longer a couple, I encourage you to remove all your emotions from this situation and treat all dealings with him as a business matter. Because that is what it is. Pray for him, express sympathy for his loss, be kind to him, but don't let him take advantage of you anymore. Because from what you've said on this forum, that is his MO.

 

[Macchiato]

This is absolutely true. His grief is temporary, but if you let him off the hook for child support, you will be the sole support for your daughter for the next 18 years.

It's very nice that you want to give him a break because of his losses, but in the past you have talked about all the nice things you did for him and he didn't reciprocate. That resulted in your own resentment. What makes you think this would be any different?

It takes two to make a baby, and two to support her to adulthood. He is responsible, and his circumstances make no difference. Now that you are no longer a couple, I encourage you to remove all your emotions from this situation and treat all dealings with him as a business matter. Because that is what it is. Pray for him, express sympathy for his loss, be kind to him, but don't let him take advantage of you anymore. Because from what you've said on this forum, that is his MO.

You all are right. CS is still in motion. He is coming today to see his daughter. I'll try and be nice and respectful. I hope it goes well.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Court is around the corner for him and I almost thought of canceling the support bc he was going through a lot

Don't cancel the support.

Was this guy ever meeting his obligations when he was not going through some kind of rough patch? I should qualify that, was this guy ever doing it without you hounding him to meet his child support obligations?

If the answer is something like "no, or yes he did do that a few too times but I really had to nag him to do it", then that would confirm my suspicion that you are probably dealing with a narcist or some other related thing.

This would mean that you breaking down based on sympathy etc. would be playing his game.

If true this would also be another reason to write this guy off as far as trying to hope he is sometime going to reform etc.

His visitations definitely should be linked to his degree of meeting his child support.

 

[Macchiato]

Don't cancel the support.

Was this guy ever meeting his obligations when he was not going through some kind of rough patch? I should qualify that, was this guy ever doing it without you hounding him to meet his child support obligations?

If the answer is something like "no, or yes he did do that a few too times but I really had to nag him to do it", then that would confirm my suspicion that you are probably dealing with a narcist or some other related thing.

This would mean that you breaking down based on sympathy etc. would be playing his game.

If true this would also be another reason to write this guy off as far as trying to hope he is sometime going to reform etc.

His visitations definitely should be linked to his degree of meeting his child support.

Don't cancel the support.

Was this guy ever meeting his obligations when he was not going through some kind of rough patch? I should qualify that, was this guy ever doing it without you hounding him to meet his child support obligations?

If the answer is something like "no, or yes he did do that a few too times but I really had to nag him to do it", then that would confirm my suspicion that you are probably dealing with a narcist or some other related thing.

This would mean that you breaking down based on sympathy etc. would be playing his game.

If true this would also be another reason to write this guy off as far as trying to hope he is sometime going to reform etc.

His visitations definitely should be linked to his degree of meeting his child support.

I definitely had to nag him. Even then he only saw her when I brought him to her and when I'd pack her bag for her to spend the night.. he would only get her a hand ful of times or make excuses. He's only been to her daycare twice and that's bc he was riding with me to pick her up.

 

[seashale76]

So my daughter's dad his father passed. He also lost his brother some months ago. So he lost a dad and brother not too long ago . Court is around the corner for him and I almost thought of canceling the support bc he was going through a lot

But after talking to my mom she said no keep him on it. Don't let him use his dad's passing as an excuse to get off child support. A friend of mine said the same thing. To me it sounds so harsh but he hasn't helped me with her. I lost 3 jobs and my car broke down bc I had zero help. He's 15minutes away and hasn't gotten her to be with her.

My friend said to take my emotions out and do what's best for your daughter and I agree. It just seems harsh bc he's going through a lot. However, after he text me telling me he was putting tires and insurance in his car but not give me money for his daughter I just see him as selfish.

He also called me Satan bc I'm still getting child support.. so there's that.

I'm not being mean am I?

Look- it's not about you or him at the end of the day. It's about your daughter- who is also his child. He has a responsibility towards her. It isn't mean to expect a parent to provide the bare minimum for their child, no matter what is going on in their personal life. He honestly should be providing more for her than simply child support. He should actually be helping you with parenting. If he isn't, then I feel sorry for your daughter. However, he should not be exempted from his 'bare minimum' duty to his own flesh and blood.

 

[Macchiato]

Look- it's not about you or him at the end of the day. It's about your daughter- who is also his child. He has a responsibility towards her. It isn't mean to expect a parent to provide the bare minimum for their child, no matter what is going on in their personal life. He honestly should be providing more for her than simply child support. He should actually be helping you with parenting. If he isn't, then I feel sorry for your daughter. However, he should not be exempted from his 'bare minimum' duty to his own flesh and blood.

Well. I tried to take his daughter to visit him. I told him I was coming and I got there. I knocked and honked and no one answered even though his car and his mom's car was there.

He later told me he was up the street. He doesn't care.

He gets no more sympathy from me.


And you're right about everything you said. He just sucks.