How did you know when to finally LEAVE?

[livin4thelord8]

I knew it was heading there for a while. He'd asked for one a couple times but I refused until we really worked on things. He kept pornography going and searching for other women online so I was ready after much prayer and cousel to take a break. Not divorce...just a break to get where we needed to be. But when it came up he put a gun in his mouth and when I tried wrestling it away he was waving it carelessly in the direction of our boys room, I called the cops and had him arrested. The lying continued after the protection order was made and I felt at peace about going to the next and last step. I hated that I had to but he was too dangerous. Didn't bother him too much...he was living with another girl, an online one, before the divorce and now they are expecting a baby next month. I'm happy for him...sad for her. Anyway....that's my story in a nutshell. You will be in my prayers. God bless!

 

[michaelwriting]

I'm still married to my wife of 17 years w/ 6 kids. My wife has been absolutely horrible to me and the kids for pretty much our entire existence. I kept putting up with the rage and accusations toward me and kids, trying to turn the other cheek and 'love my wife'. I've spent money, went to counseling, prayed and pleaded, gave gifts, overcame evil with good, and tried everything I know to just get her to respect us.

I have been afraid of so many things like financial ruin, disappointing God, losing my children, and not knowing how to live without physical and emotional intimacy (which is not much anyway). I've been wanting to believe that the fairy tale will come true, believing any little shred of her 'changing' just so I would not have to experience leaving this marriage. I also believed the stuff about God rejecting me if I try to rescue my family from this prison camp.

Actually, I'm starting to realize that I'm being more irresponsible 'before God' by not protecting my children. Rather, I keep hanging on to my wife for selfish purposes because I feel like I can't live without sex and that no one else would ever take me. My wife has been a terrible manipulator to us, making us feel like we are nothing. I know too well the scriptures about 'going about as a roaring lion' and a 'thorn in the flesh' that will not heal. She openly says that she hates our children and that I'm the source of all the problems in her life. It hurts me terribly, because I believe half of the stuff that she says about me. I'm devastated and don't know how I've lived this long.

I saw a counselor in northern Illinois about a year ago that planted some good seeds. It's been a very long and slow process cutting the apron strings to my wife. The counselor said that we are basically hostile enemies and that we need to rebuild from the ground up (if she's willing). We can't continue living as if we're happily and functionally married when we are not. The counselor told us to have a time of separation, with no sex and almost no contact other than cordial discussions over the phone about how we would arrange household affairs and trade off the kids. I did it for about two days and started totally flaking out. I could not handle the intense loneliness. My wife starting calling the counselor a b* and heavily discouraged me from seeing the counselor anymore. Of course I caved in, which is unfortunately because I felt for the first time that I had some identity and power in this marriage, and I really felt like I was getting some healing from some of the pain and lies that I had been living in. So here we are a year later. God has been doing some work in my wife's life, but my patience has completely run down and I feel like it is my obligation to protect my children (which may include a trip to child services). I am just so angry that things had to go this way. I am starting to put together my exit strategy, and many things have already fallen into place. I totally hate this, but under the circumstances, I see now other alternative. I guess I could ramble on, but this is still a work in progress. Thanks for bearing with me, Mike

 

[tryinghard]

Knowing when to leave is never a short story when you are a Christian and got married with strong convictions that it was for life...
I married a man who had already separated from one wife and had three children... I was nieve and young (20) and desperate for affection and marraige and children - he gave me attention, so he must be the one so I thought. I didn't give enough thought to the reasons for his previous divorce (or I would have found he had had a beautiful loving wife and he had been definitely in the wrong), or why he lied about owning a house, the strange woman who came around smashing his windows or the reasons he didn't tell me he had children.
I was a rather wishy washy Christian at the time with strange ideas and we lived together before marraige. I left him several times after we were engaged and the wedding was being planned (after I found he had gambled away some of the wedding money and he kept coming home appearing to be drunk or stoned) But because we already lived together I felt that we were already as good as married and I couldn't easily break my resolve to be with him for life.
After we were married I practically supported him.. he never held down and job and regularly made up about working late when he was really at the pub... this happened a lot when his children came to visit him - he wouldn't be there and couldn't be found. He'd come home drunk which really bugged me and I would get angry about it. He would lie about it and hide the alcohol in the shed. I often spent hours searching it out and giving it away or tipping it down the drain.
When I was pregnant with my first child he was abusive toward me and said it was my fault for being angry - I believed him. I took out a loan to pay off the $2000 he stole from the SES and gambled.
After the baby was born I had to go back to work when he was three months old because he earnt too much money for us to receive benefits, but we never got the money he earnt because he gambled and drank it.
We had marriage counselling and I found out he lied in marriage counselling. He went to an alcoholic dryout place and then checked himself out to 'save our marraige'.
I left because of these things...
1. AFter a fight one night I saw my baby son lying in his cot not crying but just laying with his eyes open listening.
2. A christian lady implied it would be ok to go
3. When I was in hospital after a c-section he spent three weeks rent money on grog. we almost had no roof over our heads and we had no wood for the fire - the house was freezing.
4. I found out he lied in marraige counselling
5. I found out he lied about almost everything, therefore I had no idea who he was anymore.
He threatened to kill me and our son when I left. His ex-wife advised me to leave town. We haven't had contact with him since - 5 years.
I am now married to a wonderful christian man - I have sorted out my act and recommited myself to God. We have two children of our own as well as my son and his two sons and daughter. (6 altogether). God is good.

 

[JCmyFriend]

My Hubby was married previously. He wouldn't divorce for biblical reasons, so he put up with it for 7 years until she finally left him.

 

[ido]

When staying was no longer an option b/c it compromised the health and safety of myself and my children.

 

[faith177]

he would not stop gambling our money away, it took a year of really bad behaviour and lots of threats of leaving, but if he changed I would prob go back because I love him

 

[girl2]

For those that are divorced, what was the last straw?
Were there ANY sort of feelings or love left for your spouse? Were you 100% sure of your decision??? Did you have reservations....do you regret it or was it the best thing you ever did?
Thanks!

The Last straw was when my "christian", ex-youth pastor husband of 16 years pushed our oldest daughter because she was defending me from his verbal abuse.

I have been divorced from him for over 5 years. I have never regretted it, infact, wish I would have done it alot sooner. I can't go back and change the past but I so wish I had never choose to marry him in the first place because that choice hurt alot of people, especially the children we made.

 

[CoolMom6]

Knowing when to leave is never a short story when you are a Christian and got married with strong convictions that it was for life...
I married a man who had already separated from one wife and had three children... I was nieve and young (20) and desperate for affection and marraige and children - he gave me attention, so he must be the one so I thought. I didn't give enough thought to the reasons for his previous divorce (or I would have found he had had a beautiful loving wife and he had been definitely in the wrong), or why he lied about owning a house, the strange woman who came around smashing his windows or the reasons he didn't tell me he had children.
I was a rather wishy washy Christian at the time with strange ideas and we lived together before marraige. I left him several times after we were engaged and the wedding was being planned (after I found he had gambled away some of the wedding money and he kept coming home appearing to be drunk or stoned) But because we already lived together I felt that we were already as good as married and I couldn't easily break my resolve to be with him for life.
After we were married I practically supported him.. he never held down and job and regularly made up about working late when he was really at the pub... this happened a lot when his children came to visit him - he wouldn't be there and couldn't be found. He'd come home drunk which really bugged me and I would get angry about it. He would lie about it and hide the alcohol in the shed. I often spent hours searching it out and giving it away or tipping it down the drain.
When I was pregnant with my first child he was abusive toward me and said it was my fault for being angry - I believed him. I took out a loan to pay off the $2000 he stole from the SES and gambled.
After the baby was born I had to go back to work when he was three months old because he earnt too much money for us to receive benefits, but we never got the money he earnt because he gambled and drank it.
We had marriage counselling and I found out he lied in marriage counselling. He went to an alcoholic dryout place and then checked himself out to 'save our marraige'.
I left because of these things...
1. AFter a fight one night I saw my baby son lying in his cot not crying but just laying with his eyes open listening.
2. A christian lady implied it would be ok to go
3. When I was in hospital after a c-section he spent three weeks rent money on grog. we almost had no roof over our heads and we had no wood for the fire - the house was freezing.
4. I found out he lied in marraige counselling
5. I found out he lied about almost everything, therefore I had no idea who he was anymore.
He threatened to kill me and our son when I left. His ex-wife advised me to leave town. We haven't had contact with him since - 5 years.
I am now married to a wonderful christian man - I have sorted out my act and recommited myself to God. We have two children of our own as well as my son and his two sons and daughter. (6 altogether). God is good.

Sounds like my one ex...exactly.
He is much better in some ways now, but has not totally changed; still gambles, but never drank, but what you call a "dry drunk" with the same attitudes and beliefs about others owing him a living, etc.

Glad you got out and congrats on your wonderful new family.

 

[CoolMom6]

I'm still married to my wife of 17 years w/ 6 kids. My wife has been absolutely horrible to me and the kids for pretty much our entire existence. I kept putting up with the rage and accusations toward me and kids, trying to turn the other cheek and 'love my wife'. I've spent money, went to counseling, prayed and pleaded, gave gifts, overcame evil with good, and tried everything I know to just get her to respect us.

I have been afraid of so many things like financial ruin, disappointing God, losing my children, and not knowing how to live without physical and emotional intimacy (which is not much anyway). I've been wanting to believe that the fairy tale will come true, believing any little shred of her 'changing' just so I would not have to experience leaving this marriage. I also believed the stuff about God rejecting me if I try to rescue my family from this prison camp.

Actually, I'm starting to realize that I'm being more irresponsible 'before God' by not protecting my children. Rather, I keep hanging on to my wife for selfish purposes because I feel like I can't live without sex and that no one else would ever take me. My wife has been a terrible manipulator to us, making us feel like we are nothing. I know too well the scriptures about 'going about as a roaring lion' and a 'thorn in the flesh' that will not heal. She openly says that she hates our children and that I'm the source of all the problems in her life. It hurts me terribly, because I believe half of the stuff that she says about me. I'm devastated and don't know how I've lived this long.

I saw a counselor in northern Illinois about a year ago that planted some good seeds. It's been a very long and slow process cutting the apron strings to my wife. The counselor said that we are basically hostile enemies and that we need to rebuild from the ground up (if she's willing). We can't continue living as if we're happily and functionally married when we are not. The counselor told us to have a time of separation, with no sex and almost no contact other than cordial discussions over the phone about how we would arrange household affairs and trade off the kids. I did it for about two days and started totally flaking out. I could not handle the intense loneliness. My wife starting calling the counselor a b* and heavily discouraged me from seeing the counselor anymore. Of course I caved in, which is unfortunately because I felt for the first time that I had some identity and power in this marriage, and I really felt like I was getting some healing from some of the pain and lies that I had been living in. So here we are a year later. God has been doing some work in my wife's life, but my patience has completely run down and I feel like it is my obligation to protect my children (which may include a trip to child services). I am just so angry that things had to go this way. I am starting to put together my exit strategy, and many things have already fallen into place. I totally hate this, but under the circumstances, I see now other alternative. I guess I could ramble on, but this is still a work in progress. Thanks for bearing with me, Mike

I would like to keep you in prayers, Michael.

 

[question33]

After my Christian Councilor suggested I file after six months of trying to get through to her. And my pastor supported it. But the last straw was when my wife started taking my children on outings with the other man. While still living with me and refusing to move out.

 

[HuntingMan]

With the first wife I felt it was finally time when she, after 3 straight years of sleeping with anything that had a penis, decided that when dear old dad blew his brains out with a 357 that it was a perfect time to take the money we had left and use it to get her best friends husband drunk and sleep with him in my bed with my newborn daugther in the same room with them......then lie and say a dear friend of the family stole the money she had spent on this chap.

With the second wife it was after trying separation 3 times and on the third attempt she decided that moving in with her adulterer and abandoning her own child was a good idea....

 

[Adamantium]

For those that are divorced, what was the last straw?
Were there ANY sort of feelings or love left for your spouse? Were you 100% sure of your decision??? Did you have reservations....do you regret it or was it the best thing you ever did?
Thanks!

How did I know when it was time to leave? I never did. It took a friend to jolt me awake.

My ex-husband and I were married for almost 17 years. For the final 10, he had a porn addiction. He lost all interest in being a husband to me, and in fact he decided that I was ugly because I didn't look like those air-brushed women. He spent all of his free time looking at violent porn and, well, doing what men usually do when they look at porn. He refused to go to counseling, because he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. As the years went by, he changed toward me in other ways too. He rarely spoke to me, and when he did it was to berate me.

I considered it a good day when I felt nothing at all. I spent my life putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to think or feel.

We had no children, so I didn't stay for that reason. I stayed because I made a promise, you know? I couldn't see beyond that. I confided in no one, because I was ashamed, and because I didn't think it was right to discuss marital problems with the world at large, but I was slowly breaking apart.

Finally, I confided in an old friend, who pointed out that the wedding vows had been broken into tiny bits many years ago, and trampled on repeatedly since then. This had the effect of waking me up and setting me free.

I told my then-husband to leave within the week.

But that is in the past. I'm trying to let it go, because now I'm married to a wonderful man and together we're trying to live a Christ centered life.