How did you know when to finally LEAVE?

[alwaysyoung]

For those that are divorced, what was the last straw?
Were there ANY sort of feelings or love left for your spouse? Were you 100% sure of your decision??? Did you have reservations....do you regret it or was it the best thing you ever did?
Thanks!

 

[Believer55]

For those that are divorced, what was the last straw?
Were there ANY sort of feelings or love left for your spouse? Were you 100% sure of your decision??? Did you have reservations....do you regret it or was it the best thing you ever did?
Thanks!

Hi! I saw your post and thought I'd respond. I was married for 2 years after 2 years of dating. When we were dating all was good. We married and had a child. Soon after that my ex-husband started showing "interest" in other women. We fought all the time. We fought so much that my kids would cover our mouths so we couldn't yell at each other anymore. (That still pains me). He lost motivation to help around the house. I was always alone with the kids and he was out and about. I guess the reason we divorced was because the kids were suffering,he had no interest in me, and we were just bad people when we were together. If that makes sense. We were going to seperate and continue with marriage counseling but he could not vow to not "date" other people. I did still love him and I still do I just knew we couldnt be together. (Kinda confusing). I had reservations at first but now I see it was a good thing for many reasons. I struggled with Christianity and divorce but I talked with God the best I could and I think it is now ok. Take care! Claudia

 

[alwaysyoung]

Claudia...thank you so much for responding. I appreciate your story. Your family has been through a lot.
Good for you for being strong and taking a stand for you and your children! Thank you again for sharing...it is helpful.
Hugs
xoxo Lisa

 

[marciebaby]

Hey Lisa,
My ex-husband had numerous issues. He would spend all of our grocery money on pay-per-view. He would skip work all the time. He was also very abusive. I kept hanging in there though. I was sure that if iI was faithful to my marriage vows, that God would reward me by healing my marriage. I was completely miserable for years.
The final straw came when he crushed our baby's skull one night five years ago. I realize with regret that I should have left long before things escalated to this point, but at least I know in my heart that I did try everything I could.

I remarried about 2 years ago and have been SO HAPPY. I have no doubts in my mind that I've done the right thing.
Just continue to pray. I'll pray for you, too.
Love,
Marcie

 

[fulltime]

Hey Lisa,
My ex-husband had numerous issues. He would spend all of our grocery money on pay-per-view. He would skip work all the time. He was also very abusive. I kept hanging in there though. I was sure that if iI was faithful to my marriage vows, that God would reward me by healing my marriage. I was completely miserable for years.
The final straw came when he crushed our baby's skull one night five years ago. I realize with regret that I should have left long before things escalated to this point, but at least I know in my heart that I did try everything I could.

I remarried about 2 years ago and have been SO HAPPY. I have no doubts in my mind that I've done the right thing.
Just continue to pray. I'll pray for you, too.
Love,
Marcie

God is watching over you this time and it sounds like that you are very happy. I hope that you follow the lord and he can cover you and protect you from that ever happening again. I am sorry that you had to deal with that.Any husband that abuses his family physicaly or mentally needs outside counselling.TRUST YOUR LOVED ONES WHO TRUST YOU.

 

[livin4christ9203]

I am very interested in hearing everyones answer to this too. I've been hanging in there.. and things seem to be better now, but I am wondering when others knew it was the right time.

 

[Jennifer615]

Wow, I could write pages on my story, but I'll keep it condensed. Firstly, God has convicted me not to slag my ex-husband off anymore (as I've done in the past) because he's a good man now, and a great father to our daughter, and I wish him all the best for his future, and hope he meets someone really nice one day.

Basically my marriage was mentally, emotionally and spiritually abusive. The first 2 years he was drinking and drugging, then he got saved and joined Alcoholics Anonamous. We should have been the testimony of all time, but unfortunately, his abusive controlling behaviours continued in a spiritual way. He then joined Amway, and became obsessed with it. His personality completely changed, he was just not the person I married. We couldn't even laugh together anymore, he would only laugh at Amway jokes. He had no time for my or our daughter, was out every night "doing Amway" and was abusive towards me when I would show him how this "business" was costing us a fortune, and we were losing thousands of dollars.

We didn't go on a holiday for years, and one day my mum and dad invited us for a holiday with them up the coast. I pretty much pushed him into going, but he made sure I knew he would rather "do Amway" and that holiday was a waste of time. He made the whole holiday miserable for me.

One night we were sitting on the verander looking over a beautiful sunset, and I was crying, telling how much I needed him as a husband, and how much his behaviour was hurting our family. He just said I have to put up with it for now.

Well, the next day I woke up and all my love for him was gone. My feelings just shut down. I knew he was not going to change for me. We went through so much Christian counselling, but it did nothing to change anything.

9 months later I left, although I knew all that time we were living in an emotional divorce. We started sleeping in separate rooms 3 months before we separated. One night we had a fight, and he said "you can just get the **** out of here!" Well I did just that. I phoned mum and dad and packed my daughters and my bags and moved into their granny flat.

The love I once had for him never returned, although I was open to it returning. I did have doubts, and stoped going to church because I got so much flack for leaving him. We dated a few times since our separation, I even considered giving it another try once or twice, but he would always blow it with his attitude and treatment.

I am now married to a wonderful man and alls well that ends well. We have a very amicable relationship with my ex-husband, and he was a wonderful relationship with our daughter.

Well, I've written more than I wanted to, sorry I went on a bit. That's my story.

 

[jessesgirl]

I will try to keep this short, too...but I have a tendency to be long winded, as well!!!

I married my first husband at 19. As soon as we got married, it was like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He immediately turned physically and emotionally abusive. He cut me off from all of my family and all of my friends and required that I work AT LEAST two jobs and maintain a house and daily meals.

Within a month of getting married, he was fired from his job (he was fired from three jobs throughout our entire marriage). I bumped up to three jobs to pay all the bills, his child support, and put food on the table. I still maintained the house, cooked meals, worked three jobs....and he did nothing. He didn't go out and find a job because he thought he was too good for just ANY job (he was a police officer...key word "was.") He got me fired from two jobs and kicked out of our apartment due to his violent nature.

By the time I finally left him (I tried several times but my heart just wasn't in it), he was without a full time job for over a year. I was working four jobs and dealing with the abuse when I finally came home at the end of the day. On numerous ocassions, he would pull out his department issued gun and threaten to kill me...or himself.

Anyhow, long story short, I finally left him after a year and a half of dealing with it. When he pulled his gun out and threatened to kill himself in front of me the very last time and I WANTED him to do it because I hated him so much, I knew I had to walk away. So that was the final straw for me. I stayed because he would tell me he needed me, because I knew that divorce was wrong, for fear of being alone...I could go on and on but once i realized that I harbored hate in my heart, I had to leave. So I did. That was over two years ago. Since I walked out the door, I have never once regretted it. I have no love for him, I can't say that I ever really did. I was young and stupid. I have found it in my heart to forgive him...and to forgive myself, I had to to be able to see all that God had in store for me. I had to get rid of that hate in my heart. I had never hated up to that point and never want to experience that emotion again.

Six months ago yesterday, I married a wonderful man who supports me in everything that I do and loves me with every ounce of love he has to give. I haven't worked a day since we have been married, except for as much as I want to. For once, I get to devote my time and energy to the things that matter to me. We are expecting our first child in January (crazy really, I was told I would never have children and now, six months after we are married, I am nearly five months pregnant...we serve an AWESOME GOD!).

I like to think that my experiences are simply part of my testimony and I praise God that I am able to use these experiences to work for Him. Anyhow, speaking of long winded...I am sorry but I just had to share. I think that when you know, you just know. It is in every fiber of your being. You eat, sleep, and breathe a life without that person. It consumes you. Ok, thats all....God bless and I will keep you in my prayers

 

[MaraPetra]

The last straw for me was, strangely enough, brought about by our 8 year-old son.

I'd put up with nine years of verbal and emotional abuse, the put-downs, the working multiple jobs and taking care of my family at the same time, the total disregard for me as a human being, and the feeling that I was "trapped", but couldn't leave.

I'd learned to deal with the isolation, the anger, the pain and the hopelessness. When I caught him having an affair in April of that year, it killed something inside of me, though, and it was at that point that I basically began losing that insanely strong love which enabled me to do anything, take anything, just to keep my family preserved.

That August, you could tell that my emotions were just gone. But I was still committed; I didn't want my two kids to grow up without their father, and I figured at that point that my life would never get better. I'd just have to deal with this, too.

The fights, though, revealed that things just wouldn't get better. We fell into a routine...Come home from work, fight like cats and dogs for two hours, then sit in stony silence until it was time to go to bed.

After a particularly vicious fight, I walked away, trying to get to the bedroom so my husband wouldn't see the tears about to flow again. On my way, I passed by my son's bedroom. I heard a muffled sob. I looked in and found my child weeping as he lay in his bed. His small hands clutched a stuffed toy that his daddy and I had bought for him on our last trip out together, to a circus. Crushed, I squashed what I was feeling and went into that bedroom to talk to my son and ease his tears. You have no clue how much I died inside when I realized that staying for the sake of the kids was fruitless. We were destroying our boy.

It was then that I realized that I could no longer stay in the marriage...Not when it was damaging my child, and I had no way of making the situation better.

I turned around, galvanized, and went back to the living room to ask for a divorce. By the next morning, my husband left for the last time.

 

[alwaysyoung]

Thank you to everyone who shared so openly about their stories. It is so helpful to hear. How brave and strong you all sound. I hope God continues to bless you!
I appreciate the info and advice...it has given me much to think on...

 

[Athene]

I knew it was time to leave when my ex gave me a black eye then locked me in the house and disconnected all the phones so I couldn't leave or phone somebody. I wasn't going to become one of those poor women who cake on the makeup to disguise the bruises or make up stories of falling down stairs or walking into doors. It made me so angry that this man who was meant to love me would actually do that. It wasn't the first time he'd hit me either, the first time we were having an argument about hanging up a picture, we wanted it in different places . . so instead of talking about it he slapped me . . I probably should have ditched him there and then but I was pregnant with becky and didn't want to be alone .

I wish I'd left him sooner, the screaming rows affected the children badly, especially Patrick when I moved out and back into my parents any raised voice and Patrick would cower and cry, it was heartbreaking to see.

 

[shadowgem]

I had a crisis after the birth of our child, when I realised that I didn't love him and had been in love with someone else all along. It was awful - he was heartbroken and he was my best friend so I didn't want to cause him pain. But I was feeling revulsion about having a physical relationship with him. He left but I went on to have a severe breakdown - the first of a series of breakdowns. We also tried to resume the relationship for the sake of our son but there was too much conflict and differences of need and perspective. Overall he has been brilliant given what I gave him to cope with and we are now friends and he has care of our son, though we see each other most days.
I love him as a friend but the physical connection never happened despite an elder telling me I had to remain open to reconciliation. We haven't divorced yet, but he, as a non-Christian, is in a part-time relationship with someone else.

 

[AngeliaTurner]

My story is very close to all these posted here.

I got married at the age of 17 because I was pregnant and I thought I was in love. We were married for 12 years and we had 3 wonderful children. I knew very early in the marriage that I did not love my ex. I stayed in the marriage for my daughter. During my marriage my ex could not hold a job, if I didnt feel in the mood he would take it (even with him knowing how I was molested and raped in my past), and there was emotional abuse. When my daughter was 1 year old, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Now it was apparent to me I would never get out of this marriage on my own. I have never been able to prove it but I always knew my ex cheated on me. I always tried to find the courage to get out of the marriage, but never could. I was always scared that it would hurt my daughters if I left their father. When my youngest daughter was 7 I got pregnant again. After my son was born the fights got worse. We could not even be in the same room with each other with out fighting. Even when we would take the kids out to eat we would do nothing but fight. One day while I was at a friends house, I met her cousin. We talked everyday online IM'ing each other. He became a very good friend. He never once asked for more than friendship. He was just a great friend someone I could talk to and not be judged. My ex came in one day just raising Hell at me and I realized that this was hurting my children more staying in that emotional abusive relationship, a loveless relationship. I got grief from a bunch of people that I was in the wrong for getting a divorce because God does not approve of divorce. But I had to follow my heart. I prayed about it and I felt the release from God to go ahead with the divorce. After my divorce was final my friends cousin and I went out on a date. Three months later we got married. I am happily married to a wonderful man. My children have stability at home and I am so much in love. We have been married for almost 3 years now.

This is just the condensed version of my life story. I hope it helps.

 

[SelfProtect]

How to know when to leave

1. When you will be happy for him when he is with someone else (because it will happen)

2. When you decide you will be completely satisfied alone for the rest of your life (because it could happen and it will ensure you don't settle)

3. When you feel you love him and forgive him but you no longer choose to live this way (because it is healing and you are done)

My ex cheated on me for 13 years. It was a love/hate relationship - when it was good it was real good, when it was bad it was real bad.

 

[ThisIsMyLife]

My husband and I seperated after a 10 year relationship (since we were kids, all we ever had was each other) and a 4 year marriage when I realized that I was scared of him. We had three huge milestones that changed our relationship for ever 1) he was sent overseas to Iraq for 18 months 2) I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and hospitalized after I attempted suicide. 3) I was diagnosed with cancer and told we could not have children. We went from never having had a fight (just minor arguments) to fighting all the time, and everything was pure hurt, and anger for two years. He got very verbally and emotionally abusive, and I knew it was time to seperate when I realized I was scared of him; one night during an argument I was in the bedroom with my back against the door trying to keep him out while he beat the door to splinters and screamed obscenities at me. The next morning when I walked into the room I felt my heart drop and my adreneline race and I knew it was over...and this is someone that for litteraly as long as I can remember (since I was 13) we have never been apart.

The three things SelfProtect listed really appeal to me because after a year I agree with all of those. I am happy that he is beginning to look towards other women and is coming out of his dark depression, I have always felt that I would be fine on my own, for with God and family and friends and my animals I am never alone, and I still, and always will, love him with a love that is absolute and pure. He is my first and truest love, and I don't think anyone will be able to replace him in my mind. Unfortunatly, we just can not be together... there is so much hurt, and abuse and pain that neither one of us can survive it. I forgive him for the way that he treated me because I can understand his pain, and his inability to forgive me for the attempted suicide when I was ill--though for a long time I struggled with the fact that he quit counsling. I can choose to remember the good times that we had, so, so many good times, and not the last three years of our marriage, when it was like waking up in hell. I never saw myself divorcing, and I still battle with the decision, especially because I still love him so much. But I prayed, and saught support from my care group and church and while God has never totally and utterly errased this from my mind, he has given me peace.


Good luck

 

[PlasticSmileNoMore]

I was married for 11 years. Only the last 5 where the worst with the last year being the extreme. I will give you the short version of the story. I married him when I was 19 but had dated him for a year and a half previous to that. I had a baby when I was I was a teen so entered the marriage with an instant family. Then went on to have two more children two years apart I met him and God at the same time he was a very charismatic christian. So anyway I cooked cleaned stayed at home breastfed my babies and really loved it. He though changed jobs all the time never content...... then the last 5 years or so spent periods of time unemployed. Trying to make money on the computer. The straw that broke the camels back was when Unbeknown to me he quit his job in November but I did not find out till January because he lied to me about it. He then stayed on the computer all day. Doing minimal care for the kids just bare minimum although they are all of school age. I would get up get the kids ready myself ready go to work he would get up at the last minute to drive them to school. THen spend the morning coffeeing with his friends and then come home and spend the rest of the day on computer he felt that he was toooo talented for most jobs so wanted something that he could use his endless stream of talents. (ok sorry i'm still a little hurt bitter) I just did it as I didn't want to fight or cause a conflict in front of the kids and I just got to the point where I realized why fight it it solves nothing and I am stuck with this man. I was doing the countdown till the last child turned 18 then I could leave. But being 10 years left to go until my youngest turned 18 it seemed like a really long time.

I started sinking into dispair because as a christian you DO NOT divorce unless your husband is beating or cheating right. Even then women are really expected to stick it out and pray through it because then thats when the blessing comes.

I entertained thoughts of suicide and other self destructive behaviours I just felt I needed to get out. My husband would blame me for his problems. Would critisize etc or just plain ignore me he forgot all about me. I tried talking to him telling him how I felt went to the pastor, friends you name it over the years. My husband would use scripture to manipulate or bash me but in the next breath would say he loved me and would do anything for me. He would tell me I should be thankful that he didn't beat us or cheat on me. I finally got to the point where I couldn't just be thankful for what he didn't do to us. I wanted to be thankful for the good things. He told me to just submit and I would be blessed no matter what he was doing because he is the head.

SO I told him to move out. I gave up life as I knew it before. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I wish that all the ladies here could get together and start a support group for christian ladies who get divorced. For some reason woman are blamed even when the man cheats or does something outward like that. I don't want to pretend to be happy anymore. Now I am really enjoying life. I feel like my burden has been lifted and I can breath. It certainly isn't easy especially if you are a people pleaser like me. One thing I try to remember is how people think and treat me is not how God would think and treat me. Although I am struggling right now I don't know how to fit myself into the christian circle anymore and don't know if I want to. My identity was in how other people percieved me before not in how God perceived me. So trying to sort through that has got me

I know that leaving him was the best decision and I won't go back. How to go on from here as a christian I am still figuring that out. Not much support to be had for that. Not that I have found anyway.
Anyway don't know if that helps or scares you but just know that know matter what decision you make you are going to be okay. People judge but they don't have to live with what you live with or walk in your shoes. ((((hugs to you))))) I hope you are doing okay.

 

[jada]

The last straw was when my husband described for me in detail how he had stayed up all night trying to kill me in my sleep. This is after he attacked me, lunging for a screwdriver that he said he was going to drive through my temple. Instead he abandoned the screwdriver and ripped a tv next to it out of the wall (ER was playing). He threw it at my head (he missed). I ended the night baracading myself in the guest room with a claw hammer and a 45 calibur Glock at my sides for company.

Afterwards, I ran to a shelter. I tried to get us help. Instead, he filed for the divorce when he could not find me...thinking that I had dicovered his criminal activities. He thought that he could keep me busy that way, and discredit me should I say anything, as the "bitter ex".

It gets worse from there. I didn't kill him that night, but after I found out what he had been up to over the last several years, I think he would have been better off dead. At least all the people he hurt would be better off.

I pray for his repentance, because I know that God will not honor my angry prayers. Fortunately I am not God. Only He is the perfect judge, and I take that truth on faith every day. After twelve years together, my only hope is that God will keep his promise to renew the years the locust ahs eaten.

 

[4Christ2]

The last straw was when my husband described for me in detail how he had stayed up all night trying to kill me in my sleep. This is after he attacked me, lunging for a screwdriver that he said he was going to drive through my temple. Instead he abandoned the screwdriver and ripped a tv next to it out of the wall (ER was playing). He threw it at my head (he missed). I ended the night baracading myself in the guest room with a claw hammer and a 45 calibur Glock at my sides for company.

Afterwards, I ran to a shelter. I tried to get us help. Instead, he filed for the divorce when he could not find me...thinking that I had dicovered his criminal activities. He thought that he could keep me busy that way, and discredit me should I say anything, as the "bitter ex".

It gets worse from there. I didn't kill him that night, but after I found out what he had been up to over the last several years, I think he would have been better off dead. At least all the people he hurt would be better off.

I pray for his repentance, because I know that God will not honor my angry prayers. Fortunately I am not God. Only He is the perfect judge, and I take that truth on faith every day. After twelve years together, my only hope is that God will keep his promise to renew the years the locust ahs eaten.

Jada,

The Lord will indeed renew what the locusts have eaten and that Satan has destroyed. I know because He is working in my life in a powerful way. I know Him like I've never known Him before and oh what a joy our Lord is!! I'm continuing to pray for you. I know God has great plans for you lined up and waiting to fall from heaven!

A Loving Sister In Christ, 4C

 

[JimfromOhio]

When I was diagnosed with MS have revealed my ex-wife's attitude and response towards my illness confirmed her true love. To herself as she always had in the 21 years of our marriage.

Now, I am happily re-married to a woman who truly LOVES ME !!!!

 

[dbhost]

Please forgive this long winded reply. I hope I can get through this without too much wrist pain (I am waiting on my ergonomic keyboard at work still).

The year of my divorce, on Easter Sunday my ex told me, on the way home after services that she didn't love me anymore. And to be honest that had been kind of obvious for a while... I asked her if she would agree to counseling before she did anything that we would regret, and she agreed. She had a business trip the following weekend, so I was at home doing laundry, and putting clothes up when one of her purses fell out of the closet, bounced off my head, and spilled its contents on the floor. Those contents were years of love letters written to her by a man that she had started having an affair with before she had even married me. This person was married, with 3 young children, and was a classmate of hers in college. There was also evidence of many other men she had been with in that purse. I pretty much suspected that she had been in a relationship in school with someone else because when we moved her mood was down, very sad, like a woman who had just lost her boyfriend. Which she did. She was cold to me ever since then. I always suspected, but never had evidence of her unfaithfulness, and absolutely did not believe in divorce so I stuck it out.
Anyway, we did the counseling thing, and I was willing to work on things if she would take steps toward accountability. She said the reason she no longer loved me is that I didn't trust her, and I had good reason to distrust her. I was willing to work to bring the trust and all back. Well, anyway, the counselor was digging some things up with my ex that she was not comfortable with having me hear, so they had a one on one session. The counselor basically challenged my ex to live up to the things she agreed to in counseling (then quickly left and did a completely different thing). She responded by abusively berating the counselor, and storming out of her office.

I am certain I did things in my marriage that I should not have. But as far as the disollusion of my marriage goes, my conscience is quite clear. I am only stating the following to be clear on how I see the situation.

#1. She is the one that had the affairs.
#1b. I chose to ignore the signs that were quite obvious that she had strayed, even before the wedding, and proceeded with what turned out to be a bad idea.
#2. She is the one that informed me AFTER we had gotten married that she did not want children.
#2b. I chose to not pursue counseling on this issue at that time. I felt she would grow out of that as her biological clock started ticking.
#3. She left when the counselor called her on her bluffs.
#3b. I insisted on her accountability while her feelings for me were weak.
#4. She filed for the divorce, and pushed to have it complete before the end of the year for tax reasons.
#4b. I agreed to some very stupid concessions in the mediation, and I signed the paperwork. Perhaps I should have fought harder to save my marriage, but emotionally speaking I was spent. I was unable to sleep, and I was either not eating at all, or massively over eating all kinds of comfort foods by this time. I gained a fairly substantial amount of weight at that point, and I was already heavy to begin with.

I ended up in a counseling program for the divorced at Second Baptist in Houston that helped me see things from God's perspective somewhat better.

So when did I know it was time to leave? I never made that choice. I am not sure I could have and lived with breaking my vows. The choice was made for me. Admittedly I feel I kind of pushed her into it, but it is, what it is.

Do I forgive her? Yes. Forget, no, forgive yes. I do not hold her to account for her actions, and do not seek any kind of justice for what she put me through. (A small slice of what I went through here you have, the bigger picture is actually too humiliating to post...), and I do want God's best for her. Specifically I want her to authentically believe in God, his Word, and accept the gift of salvation she has been given. I am grieved for her more than anything else.
Do I still love her / have love feelings for her? That is hard to answer without it coming out wrong. Yes I still love her, but it is not even close to the love of a husband to a wife. But more like that of a friend that is best kept at a distance. There is simply no trust, and no grounds for trust. Yes I know God can, and does perform miracles with broken relationships, but those miracles will only be worked in the hearts of those that are his, and listen to his voice.

When God let Satan touch Job's life, Job stayed faithful, I hope I have lived up to that. God blessed Job with a dramatic increase over the much he had previously when it was all over. In a similar vein, God has blessed me with a much better job, and with a woman that loves me for who I am. I can say without any doubt that God definately blessed my broken road....

I did want to mention something in response to a poster above. It's not just the women that get blamed in a divorce that isn't their fault. Society seems to expect the man to be unfaithful. I lost a lot of "friends" from my old church over my divorce. Some faulting me, saying I must have been the one to have an affair (I was NEVER with another woman from the day I started dating my ex wife, until I went on my first post divorce date, and mind you when I say with I do not mean neccesarily sexually, but in a manner beyond just friendship...)