- Feb 4, 2005
- 6
- 1
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Republican
Disclaimer:
This is more of a rant than anything. I'm a person who was raised my entire life in the church and have spent the past 10 years really searching out and deepening my own personal relationship with Christ. Certainly comments, advice, criticism, and encouragement is more than welcome. I'm just looking for a sounding board, I guess.
My issue is this: I've somehow managed to fall asleep (spiritually) and now I've woken up and found myself in a place that I never personally thought I would be in. My entire young life I've spent not replicating the mistakes of others around me. I always thought I was somehow above it, and now I"m realizing how painful that pride can be.
I was a virgin until last year when I had the unfortunate experience of being coerced into a sexual relationship that I did not want. My feelings on sex are a little jaded due to a history of sexual abuse. I was more than content to wait for the man that I was to marry, and after this experience was left with a fairly bitter taste in my mouth, so to speak. It took me several months to finally get a grip and find myself back on the path that I needed to be on (with my heart and mind concentrated on the cross, and not this crazy ordeal). God graced me with the ability to forgive this person fully and 100% and actually find love and compassion for them. In the meantime, I met a seemingly incredible, Christian guy that aided in the process of getting my mind off the experience. He was sympathetic to my circumstance and was enamored by me to boot. We began dating and I was so happy to find someone who seemed to be ok with no physical relationship. As time wore on however, the fact that he was not a virgin (and he knew that I wasn't either) began to take its course and the pressure ensued. Granted, aside from him making suggestive comments every now and again, there wasn't much pressure. Nor did I really feel pressured. We were close enough as friends, that I knew his comments were steeped in a general interest in me and not just sex. In the meantime, as all this was going on, I had been talking again to my friend from earlier in the year - the one that I lost my virginity to - and had explained to him how I took the entire experience; that I never wanted to sleep with him, that I was hurt and angry and miserable. He was shocked at the reality of the situation and spent a solid month apologizing and feeling remorseful for his actions. I had completely forgiven him, but was finding it so refreshing to have things resolved. We began to become closer as friends and hanging out frequently. In fact, over the course of two or three months, he had certainly become one of my best friends. The entire time, my boyfriend was aware that I was spending time with this other guy. He didn't like it, but he knew about it and was supportive because he knew how much it meant to me for everything to be "normal" and for the situation to be resolved. Slowly, however, things began to change between me and my boyfriend. He became distant, uncommunicative, disinterested, short with me, etc. I tried to talk to him several times about it and he always avoided the issue. I asked him on more than one occasion if he was having a problem with me hanging out with this other guy and being friends with him. His answer was always an insistant "no". Although I knew differently, I was frustrated with his inability to tell me so, and continued the other friendship. This distance between us lasted for quite awhile. About two months or so. I had considered many times breaking off the relationship altogether. In fact, I tried to on one or two occasions and chickened out (I'm extremely non-confrontational and easy to take advantage of, which is how I ended up in the other situation to begin with, I suppose). Regardless, after two months, something in him decided that he didn't want this relationship to end and he began giving it his all. But at this point, I wasn't so sure that I wanted it anymore. I saw how moody and indifferent he could be and wasn't sure how interested I was in a relationship with him. I liked him, I liked to be around him, but that's hardly grounds for an exclusive relationship. So we've still been together. And I've still been half-interested in making it work, not 100% certain if that's what I've wanted. And all the while, there is still the pressure to have sex, which had been increasing.
For whatever reason, I finally gave in last week. I gave in knowing that it wasn't really what I wanted. But I made the decision... I don't know why I made the decision really. He didn't make me do it. In fact, he was really considerate about it and kept asking if I was sure. I just wanted to be done with it, I think. Regardless, he told me that he loves me and I responded that he shouldn't say things unless he really means them.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... My other friend sort of isn't aware of the fact that I'm still with my boyfriend. That's a whole other story in and of itself that I won't get into right now, but I didn't mean for that to happen, most certainly. Regardless, I sort of work with this guy now, managing the band that he does promotional stuff for. So we've remained in close contact both professionally and personally. We had a show this past weekend and I made the mistake of asking him to drive me into the city for it because I didn't want to deal with traffic. In the back of my head, I knew what was going to happen. The two of us are both aware that there is still an attraction there and we've been trying to deny it for quite some time because we know that the dynamics of our relationship would never work. I'm a Christian, he's a non-practicing Jew. I'm conservative, and he's incredibly liberal. We're on opposite ends of the spectrum where those two things are concerned (and those are major things for me), but we compliment one another in every other aspect and it's been really hard to deny the wonderful dynamic that we have with one another. Long story short: I ended up back at his house at 3:00 in the morning and fell asleep on his bed. He told me that he loves me, that he's been seeing another girl very casually but doesn't want to be with her at all. In fact, he keeps on dating people that he has absolutely no interest in dating because the only person he wants to be with, the only person he can think about is me. I didn't respond, but my initial feeling was to say that I love him also. I do... but I'm not in love with him. I care about him a great deal, but know that I could never commit to a relationship because of our religious differences. If I cannot share that with the person I love, then the whole thing is a wash anyway. Regardless, I ended up sleeping with him that night.
So now I wake up and find myself in this situation that I know beyond anything I've gotten myself into because my relationship with God has not been the most important thing in my life. I know I've reached this point because I have not been communicating with my savior the way that I should. And I know what needs to be done to get out of it. In all honesty, I should just break things off with both of the, as much as that will hurt (because I work with my boyfriend everyday in my office... ouch. that would be uncomfortable to say the least. And please, spare me the rules about not dating anyone you work with, because we started dating before he started working here).
And I do care about this other guy a great deal and I now finally am able to sympathize with these people who continuously get into committed relationships with non-believers. And then I think that perhaps that is why I'm in this position in the first place... my entire life I was intent on not making the same mistakes as everyone else. And I did survive that way for 24 years. I didn't experience much of anything including heartache because I refused to date, or refused to become involved in frivolous relationships at all, or refused to feel and experience and live the same as my contemporaries. Now I find myself wrapped up in the same drama and the same dilemmas... and finally able to sympathize with the people that I have been judging this entire time, even though I didn't think I was being judgemental, just cautious.
I'm confused and at a point where I really don't know what to do - a sentiment that I'm not all that familiar with.
I realize this has been a long story, but I"m venting and curious as to what sort of feedback I will receive.
Thanks for listening...
This is more of a rant than anything. I'm a person who was raised my entire life in the church and have spent the past 10 years really searching out and deepening my own personal relationship with Christ. Certainly comments, advice, criticism, and encouragement is more than welcome. I'm just looking for a sounding board, I guess.
My issue is this: I've somehow managed to fall asleep (spiritually) and now I've woken up and found myself in a place that I never personally thought I would be in. My entire young life I've spent not replicating the mistakes of others around me. I always thought I was somehow above it, and now I"m realizing how painful that pride can be.
I was a virgin until last year when I had the unfortunate experience of being coerced into a sexual relationship that I did not want. My feelings on sex are a little jaded due to a history of sexual abuse. I was more than content to wait for the man that I was to marry, and after this experience was left with a fairly bitter taste in my mouth, so to speak. It took me several months to finally get a grip and find myself back on the path that I needed to be on (with my heart and mind concentrated on the cross, and not this crazy ordeal). God graced me with the ability to forgive this person fully and 100% and actually find love and compassion for them. In the meantime, I met a seemingly incredible, Christian guy that aided in the process of getting my mind off the experience. He was sympathetic to my circumstance and was enamored by me to boot. We began dating and I was so happy to find someone who seemed to be ok with no physical relationship. As time wore on however, the fact that he was not a virgin (and he knew that I wasn't either) began to take its course and the pressure ensued. Granted, aside from him making suggestive comments every now and again, there wasn't much pressure. Nor did I really feel pressured. We were close enough as friends, that I knew his comments were steeped in a general interest in me and not just sex. In the meantime, as all this was going on, I had been talking again to my friend from earlier in the year - the one that I lost my virginity to - and had explained to him how I took the entire experience; that I never wanted to sleep with him, that I was hurt and angry and miserable. He was shocked at the reality of the situation and spent a solid month apologizing and feeling remorseful for his actions. I had completely forgiven him, but was finding it so refreshing to have things resolved. We began to become closer as friends and hanging out frequently. In fact, over the course of two or three months, he had certainly become one of my best friends. The entire time, my boyfriend was aware that I was spending time with this other guy. He didn't like it, but he knew about it and was supportive because he knew how much it meant to me for everything to be "normal" and for the situation to be resolved. Slowly, however, things began to change between me and my boyfriend. He became distant, uncommunicative, disinterested, short with me, etc. I tried to talk to him several times about it and he always avoided the issue. I asked him on more than one occasion if he was having a problem with me hanging out with this other guy and being friends with him. His answer was always an insistant "no". Although I knew differently, I was frustrated with his inability to tell me so, and continued the other friendship. This distance between us lasted for quite awhile. About two months or so. I had considered many times breaking off the relationship altogether. In fact, I tried to on one or two occasions and chickened out (I'm extremely non-confrontational and easy to take advantage of, which is how I ended up in the other situation to begin with, I suppose). Regardless, after two months, something in him decided that he didn't want this relationship to end and he began giving it his all. But at this point, I wasn't so sure that I wanted it anymore. I saw how moody and indifferent he could be and wasn't sure how interested I was in a relationship with him. I liked him, I liked to be around him, but that's hardly grounds for an exclusive relationship. So we've still been together. And I've still been half-interested in making it work, not 100% certain if that's what I've wanted. And all the while, there is still the pressure to have sex, which had been increasing.
For whatever reason, I finally gave in last week. I gave in knowing that it wasn't really what I wanted. But I made the decision... I don't know why I made the decision really. He didn't make me do it. In fact, he was really considerate about it and kept asking if I was sure. I just wanted to be done with it, I think. Regardless, he told me that he loves me and I responded that he shouldn't say things unless he really means them.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... My other friend sort of isn't aware of the fact that I'm still with my boyfriend. That's a whole other story in and of itself that I won't get into right now, but I didn't mean for that to happen, most certainly. Regardless, I sort of work with this guy now, managing the band that he does promotional stuff for. So we've remained in close contact both professionally and personally. We had a show this past weekend and I made the mistake of asking him to drive me into the city for it because I didn't want to deal with traffic. In the back of my head, I knew what was going to happen. The two of us are both aware that there is still an attraction there and we've been trying to deny it for quite some time because we know that the dynamics of our relationship would never work. I'm a Christian, he's a non-practicing Jew. I'm conservative, and he's incredibly liberal. We're on opposite ends of the spectrum where those two things are concerned (and those are major things for me), but we compliment one another in every other aspect and it's been really hard to deny the wonderful dynamic that we have with one another. Long story short: I ended up back at his house at 3:00 in the morning and fell asleep on his bed. He told me that he loves me, that he's been seeing another girl very casually but doesn't want to be with her at all. In fact, he keeps on dating people that he has absolutely no interest in dating because the only person he wants to be with, the only person he can think about is me. I didn't respond, but my initial feeling was to say that I love him also. I do... but I'm not in love with him. I care about him a great deal, but know that I could never commit to a relationship because of our religious differences. If I cannot share that with the person I love, then the whole thing is a wash anyway. Regardless, I ended up sleeping with him that night.
So now I wake up and find myself in this situation that I know beyond anything I've gotten myself into because my relationship with God has not been the most important thing in my life. I know I've reached this point because I have not been communicating with my savior the way that I should. And I know what needs to be done to get out of it. In all honesty, I should just break things off with both of the, as much as that will hurt (because I work with my boyfriend everyday in my office... ouch. that would be uncomfortable to say the least. And please, spare me the rules about not dating anyone you work with, because we started dating before he started working here).
And I do care about this other guy a great deal and I now finally am able to sympathize with these people who continuously get into committed relationships with non-believers. And then I think that perhaps that is why I'm in this position in the first place... my entire life I was intent on not making the same mistakes as everyone else. And I did survive that way for 24 years. I didn't experience much of anything including heartache because I refused to date, or refused to become involved in frivolous relationships at all, or refused to feel and experience and live the same as my contemporaries. Now I find myself wrapped up in the same drama and the same dilemmas... and finally able to sympathize with the people that I have been judging this entire time, even though I didn't think I was being judgemental, just cautious.
I'm confused and at a point where I really don't know what to do - a sentiment that I'm not all that familiar with.
I realize this has been a long story, but I"m venting and curious as to what sort of feedback I will receive.
Thanks for listening...
