How convoluted can this get?

[TULIPgirl]

Hey, I'm back with an ocd thing that i'm not sure I can even explain very well, but I'm sure somebody must have had something like this before, so I'm hoping I can get some help with it.

I've been having an ocd thing that I think I've mentioned before, being freaked out about touching people, afraid to get near anybody in case I were somehow to touch them inappropriately. And I worry about times when I have been around people and had touch them because of my job(I've done homecare and stuff). I think I talked about this before...and I freak out and go over and over in my mind trying to figure out if I was thinking anything inappropriate or was TRYING to harm them or something.

So far I've dealt with it, but now the whole thing has attacked my relationship with may fiancee. I worry now that if by any possibility I have done something wrong in the past, that makes me an evil person and he wouldn't love me. But I can't be SURE that I haven't done anything wrong, because ocd is the disease of uncertainty. So I worry I guess that I'm an evil person and don't deserve to be loved and (so my crazy brain thinks) WOULDN'T be loved if it was certain that I had done something wrong.

So I feel unjustified in being loved, which makes it very difficult to accept the fact that he does love me. And he does. I've told him all this stuff already and he still loves me, but my mind won't quite shut up about it. I guess it's because I love him so much--he's the best thing God ever gave me besides Jesus--and the thought of losing him scares me. So of course my ocd latched onto it and is driving me nuts. And I mean nuts. I felt like i was going crazy yesterday--I could hardly stand it.

Thanks to those of you who read this...I know it's long and complicated, but I hope someone understands.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

Hey I understand..I have OCD and have the exact thoughts..lol it snot fun eh

what I have learned to do.is just face the fear..my OCD makes me think on what I do..like oh did i do this right..did I clean that right..did i mean to do it right..or just being lazy.it makes me question my motives in what i do etc.its not fun

you know yourself..deep down..you know are right..lol just do it..just forget your feelings.your fear and anxiety.im learning not to go by feelings..or thoughts.and it has worked..retraining mind..it takes time..but at my job i learned that

just dont worry.no ones perfect

 

[HoneyComb Son]

OCD tends to make me feel and want things opposite of what I want and feel..like i know I like the color blue..but it will tell me.no you really like green.thats the real you

it plays games with you..but you gotta just go against that...just dont worry.who cares

I go to the point..i was all worried..all the time..did I lie? or tell truth..in everything I did..did i break the law? I got to the point where I said..FUDGE it..if im wrong im wrong.if im right im right.but i cant live this way.i just stopped worrying and caring about every little thing..it works..it takes time..you will realise in time you were right deep down u knew

 

[zingiber]

I have not had the same experiences or thoughts as you have, so forgive me please if I shoot awry.
It seems to me that you know well your doubts are OCD, so I think you should just ignore them! OCD is, after all, called the 'doubting disease' for a reason! It sows doubt where none is necessary; so we would do best not to continually challenge it, for that mentally validates the doubts.

You said that you do not feel that you deserve to be loved. The odd thing is, that is sort of true - none of us deserves love from anyone else (God or man); that is, love is grace. Your fiance loves you even with your doubts - and you love him in spite of his faults. So, His love, and yours, do not rest on the deeds of the other, past or present, real or imagined.

Praying.

 

[LadyL]

Tulip *hugs* I know how you feel. But you are so blessed to have someone who can love and support you no matter what.

What these two guys said is true, it is doubting that gets me into trouble. I know it would be easier if we could just let it go, but it doesn't work out that way sometimes, right?

I'm learning that God knows our struggles and loves us anyway. It sounds like your fiance loves you despite your struggles. I just pray that you are able to have peace and enjoy the love God has blessed you with.

 

[TULIPgirl]

Thanks guys. HoneyComb Son, extra thanks for all the smileys... made me feel better...you all must have prayed pretty hard cuz I've been worrying LESS the past couple days

 

[LadyL]

I'm so thankful to God for that