How can we wisely deal with our hopes and feelings during a breakup?

[Trayalc]

My girlfriend of almost 14 months recently decided to end things between us. I had told her for the first time that I loved her the week before. She confessed to me that she is feeling confused and, while she hates it, she is unable to say "I love you" back to me for reasons unbeknownst to her. She decided she wanted to end things because she felt it was not fair to me for her to feel this way and continue the relationship. Her initial idea was for us to "take a break", but since we did not know what exactly that looks like, she decided to break up.

This breakup baffles me, and in many ways I'm still in disbelief. We are both Christian, Reformed, and aligned so well on so many values and beliefs. We enjoyed our time together; there was so much laughing. It just does not feel like things could possibly be over between us. It feels like too much was left unsaid. It feels like too lovely a thing was lost.

I talked to one of my church elders (who knows the both of us) about this, and it's his view that this was simply a moment of cold feet for her. Cold feet about the idea of marriage at this time. But he also encouraged me to center my hope on Christ, trusting that either God will bring us back together OR He has someone who is a better fit for the both of us. He also encouraged me by saying that several married couples in our church broke up for a time before coming back together and getting married. He even said that I could casually reach back out to her after a time of distance and space to see where things lead.

My original attitude towards this breakup was "assume you'll never see her again so that you can move on." It was a very bleak outlook based on fear and hurt. I don't think it came from faith. But my elder made me realize I ought not be presumptuous about the future at all, whether you're inordinantly hoping for a certain outcome or trying to cope with pain by despairing about a certain outcome. All too often there is the hope of reconciliation and reuniting with the one whom we have broken up with, the one we love. But we cannot cling to that as our sole hope. At the same time, I also don't think it's necessary or helpful to say "We are done forever, there is no hope for this relationship reconciling, I must accept and move on." It seems to me that is still being presumptuous about the future.

So, how do we practically keep a balance between these? Is it okay to hope for something that may not come true? Is it better to assume the worst? How do we always surrender our hopes to Jesus?

Plus, I would appreciate any other advice y'all may have on this breakup. Thanks!

 

[Shodan]

You don't have to make any assumptions at all. Go out with other people. This will -

• Give you something to do that doesn't involve obsessing about your (possibly ex-) girlfriend.
• If she is really the One For You, you and she will figure that out.
• If she isn't, then you and she can get on with finding The One.

FWIW I don't really believe there is any one person who is the one God picked out for you and if you don't marry that person you will be alone forever. I have been married for coming up on 43 years, rather happily, but if my wife had not fallen for my schtick I think some one else would have, and as long as we were otherwise compatible and both in agreement about how marriage in the eyes of God works, I would have been just as happy, just in different ways and with a different person.

Breakups suck, no doubt about that. But let her figure out whatever it is she needs to figure out. If that means a happy reunion six months from now, great. If not, then both of you can get on with your lives dating and having fun and meeting people who may or may not be The One.

My $0.02 worth, and cheap at half the price.

Regards,
Shodan

 

[timf]

If she is uncertain after 14 months, there could be a risk in "taking a break". Regardless if she has "cold feet" about you or about marriage in general, one needs to consider marriage as something that requires patience, kindness, and even humor but most of all a lifetime commitment.

 

[Trayalc]

If she is uncertain after 14 months, there could be a risk in "taking a break". Regardless if she has "cold feet" about you or about marriage in general, one needs to consider marriage as something that requires patience, kindness, and even humor but most of all a lifetime commitment.

May I ask why you said "there could be a risk in 'taking a break'"?

 

[Shodan]

May I ask why you said "there could be a risk in 'taking a break'"?

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, but "taking a break" might be a way of letting you down easy. That is, you and she aren't going to get back together. But she doesn't want to say so - maybe she isn't sure herself.

But it's not a bad risk to take. If you and she never get back together, far, far better to figure that out now so you can both go on and date someone who you will both be sure about.

I know, it sux. But dating is the process by which people find out who they are compatible with. And frankly, most people, you won't be compatible with, nor they with you. Better now to find out, even with the heart break you are now feeling.

Again, I don't want to discourage you. Pretty much the opposite. Marriage, if that is your ultimate goal, needs to be something you both agree about.

My prayers for your heart. You sound sad, not bitter. That's good. You get over sad, but resentment is a lot harder to recover from.

Go out there and date. It's part of growing. And marriage works for grown ups.

Regards,
Shodan