How can insecurity ruin a marriage?

[leothelioness]

I'm not a very secure person and I have very low self-esteem and virtually no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships. Even though I am nowhere near being married, I would like to know how this could affect a marriage should I ever have one.

What kind of things can a spouse be insecure about that could cause a division in their relationship and how does it affect the other spouse?

I know I will always be this way, so I would like to know what I can do to help any relationships I might have not fall apart.

 

[Sunshine Locket]

Yes, insecurity can ruin a marriage. Asking someone to prove to you that you're lovable when you don't believe it yourself is tiring. It's asking someone to show you something you don't know exists in your heart of hearts; love.

Strong marriages, in my experience, work out because the people involved need each other because they love who they are first. And they trust, and trust is everything in a marriage, that the person they're with loves who they are as much if not more than they do.
These couples don't love one another because they're needy. Needy means you're coming from a deficit, a place of lack. And loving someone from that place means you need them to fill your holes with who they are that makes you feel full due to their personality reiterating that your holes are just fine.

But after awhile that gets old. Because those holes don't heal. They just suck in what the other one is giving to fill them. Like a black hole they take in all light, all matter surrounding them, and they never give back. Those marriages fail every single time.

Need someone because you love yourself first and you love them. Don't love them because you need them to make you feel what you know isn't in you without them. It isn't fair to either of you. And it is a waste of time. Because sooner or later the one giving all the time is going to grow weary from expending the energy and strength they have to feed what is never going to grow on its own.

 

[ValleyGal]

First I need to ask why you think you will always be this way. It sounds like you have no hope for becoming more secure/significant.

This mindset will certainly affect not only your marriage, but who you marry. Someone who is secure and significant within themselves will tire quickly of someone whose self-opinion is negative, who doesn't trust, etc, as this comes across as emotionally "needy."

So the other question...how do you reconcile your low self-esteem/insecurity and insignificance with the Bible, where it talks about "loving and caring for others as you do for yourself" or treating others as you want to be treated, or other verses that tell you that you are a dearly loved child of the Most High God? Do you think that God wants you to feel insignificant/insecure, or have low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem also affects someone in relationship because it has a lot to do with boundaries. If you treat yourself with respect (esteem), you are likely to esteem and respect your partner, and expect respectful behaviour from your partner as well - a healthy tone for relationships. If you do not esteem/respect yourself, chances are, your partner won't either, and that sets the stage for someone to take you for granted or even possibly abuse you...then you grow to resent them for it. You set the bar for how they treat you, so set it high by respecting yourself.

 

[seeingeyes]

I'm not a very secure person and I have very low self-esteem and virtually no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships. Even though I am nowhere near being married, I would like to know how this could affect a marriage should I ever have one.

What kind of things can a spouse be insecure about that could cause a division in their relationship and how does it affect the other spouse?

I know I will always be this way, so I would like to know what I can do to help any relationships I might have not fall apart.

If you are insecure, you will always be wondering why he picked you. If it's bad enough, you might even consider him an idiot for being with you. You'll be forever waiting for him to realize his mistake and leave.

 

[leothelioness]

First I need to ask why you think you will always be this way. It sounds like you have no hope for becoming more secure/significant.

This mindset will certainly affect not only your marriage, but who you marry. Someone who is secure and significant within themselves will tire quickly of someone whose self-opinion is negative, who doesn't trust, etc, as this comes across as emotionally "needy."

So the other question...how do you reconcile your low self-esteem/insecurity and insignificance with the Bible, where it talks about "loving and caring for others as you do for yourself" or treating others as you want to be treated, or other verses that tell you that you are a dearly loved child of the Most High God? Do you think that God wants you to feel insignificant/insecure, or have low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem also affects someone in relationship because it has a lot to do with boundaries. If you treat yourself with respect (esteem), you are likely to esteem and respect your partner, and expect respectful behaviour from your partner as well - a healthy tone for relationships. If you do not esteem/respect yourself, chances are, your partner won't either, and that sets the stage for someone to take you for granted or even possibly abuse you...then you grow to resent them for it. You set the bar for how they treat you, so set it high by respecting yourself.

I have no problem with respecting myself as a person. I know I am intelligent, capable and caring.

What I am insecure about are my looks. I often feel like I don't measure up to societal standards of beauty. All of this stems from being picked on by boys in school and being told I was ugly. That still affects me even though now I get told that I'm beautiful/gorgeous, etc. I have a hard time believeing it. I accept compliments from people, but I can't believe it for myself.

 

[russianorth]

I have no problem with respecting myself as a person. I know I am intelligent, capable and caring.

What I am insecure about are my looks. I often feel like I don't measure up to societal standards of beauty. All of this stems from being picked on by boys in school and being told I was ugly. That still affects me even though now I get told that I'm beautiful/gorgeous, etc. I have a hard time believeing it. I accept compliments from people, but I can't believe it for myself.

There are alot of us guys who are not all that either. When 2 people with marginal self esteme, looks and low options find each other they tend to work harder at the relationship.

I told my partner I loved her because she loved me, she did not like that at first but she seems to be happy now.

 

[Spinnaker]

I'm not a very secure person and I have very low self-esteem and virtually no confidence in myself when it comes to relationships. Even though I am nowhere near being married, I would like to know how this could affect a marriage should I ever have one.

What kind of things can a spouse be insecure about that could cause a division in their relationship and how does it affect the other spouse?

I know I will always be this way, so I would like to know what I can do to help any relationships I might have not fall apart.

Insecurity is a cancer. I completely understand how helpless a person can feel when facing insecurities, but it nonetheless will destroy a relationship, be a dating relationship or a marriage or even a friendship.

As a man, being constantly doubted and questioned when I didn't do anything wrong would constantly upset me. I'm a person who values integrity, and when that was always brought into question, it offended me greatly. No matter what I would say, it was never enough. Since her dad was an unfaithful husband, she tended to apply that same characteristic across the gamut.

It's hard, I know, but do whatever you have to do to curb your insecurity. I don't know if you've ever been on the opposite end of things, where your significant other is the insecure one (or more insecure than you), it's draining. It can really suck the marrow out of a relationship.

SOURCE: I was married for several years, and when I say insecurity is a cancer I really mean it. That marriage suffered a slow death from that.

 

[ValleyGal]

I have no problem with respecting myself as a person. I know I am intelligent, capable and caring.

What I am insecure about are my looks. I often feel like I don't measure up to societal standards of beauty. All of this stems from being picked on by boys in school and being told I was ugly. That still affects me even though now I get told that I'm beautiful/gorgeous, etc. I have a hard time believeing it. I accept compliments from people, but I can't believe it for myself.

It sounds like you need a healing program to help you deal with your childhood wounds. God has called us to freedom in Christ, not to live in bondage to the chains of our past. You could check out programs like Freedom Session....it's a healing and discipleship program, and really puts things into perspective.

Aside from that, you might want to examine your beliefs. We are not all called to social standards of beauty. Even when I am at my thinnest, I am barely average in the appearance department. For me, it really helped to examine my beliefs about God...how he created me using just the right mix of dna from both parents, how he "knit" me together in my mother's womb, how it would be an insult to God by telling him that he did not create me the way I would like according to my own ideas of beauty rather than his.

It took a lot of hard work to address this issue. It certainly didn't come overnight, but I had to really work hard on aligning my own way of thinking to God's way of thinking. He knew what he was doing when he created me.

Imo, if you do some work on learning to accept yourself, including your appearance, and examining what you honestly believe about God in the matter, learn to see yourself from his perspective....then you can walk into a healthy relationship with a healthy individual and when he tells you he thinks you are beautiful, you will believe him.

Until that happens, every time someone tells you they think you are attractive and you deny it, you are sending them a message that you think they are lying. Yes, it wears down on a relationship over time.

Develop your inner beauty. It has a direct impact on your outer experience...and when someone tells you that you are beautiful, thank them for recognizing the work of God in your life.

 

[leothelioness]

It's hard, I know, but do whatever you have to do to curb your insecurity. I don't know if you've ever been on the opposite end of things, where your significant other is the insecure one (or more insecure than you), it's draining. It can really suck the marrow out of a relationship.

No, I've never been in a relationship.

 

[seeingeyes]

I have no problem with respecting myself as a person. I know I am intelligent, capable and caring.

What I am insecure about are my looks. I often feel like I don't measure up to societal standards of beauty. All of this stems from being picked on by boys in school and being told I was ugly. That still affects me even though now I get told that I'm beautiful/gorgeous, etc. I have a hard time believeing it. I accept compliments from people, but I can't believe it for myself.

Who told you that you were intelligent capable and caring?

 

[leothelioness]

Who told you that you were intelligent capable and caring?

I know it for myself. No one had to tell me.

Why?

 

[seeingeyes]

I know it for myself. No one had to tell me.

Why?

That's good.

So why do you need a bunch of cruel and stupid children that you don't even respect to tell you that you are beautiful? You take their word for it even over the word of your own friends!

To be beautiful, you must know it for yourself. No one needs to tell you.

 

[russianorth]

That's good.

So why do you need a bunch of cruel and stupid children that you don't even respect to tell you that you are beautiful? You take their word for it even over the word of your own friends!

To be beautiful, you must know it for yourself. No one needs to tell you.

As a barely average guy myself, its not what other guys say that is relevant its the amount of romantic rejection from the opposite sex that matters. The only reason physical attraction matters is for dating (and that's a pretty big deal) or if you make money modeling or something. No one likes being continually rejected by members of the opposite sex that they like.

Just like if someone is continually rejected by top tier academic programs or apprenticeships then they might not be the brightest pencils in the box.

Not everyone is a winner in life and there are certain endeavors that someone might attempt in life that will give them that feed back (good or really bad). It means you might have to go to a community college or date someone else who is barely average.

I don't know if these self esteem issues the OP has are all in her head from mean girls or if she has had legitimate negative feed back from a lot of guys she wanted to go out with that did not like her.

 

[seeingeyes]

As a barely average guy myself, its not what other guys say that is relevant its the amount of romantic rejection from the opposite sex that matters. The only reason physical attraction matters is for dating (and that's a pretty big deal) or if you make money modeling or something. No one likes being continually rejected by members of the opposite sex that they like.

Just like if someone is continually rejected by top tier academic programs or apprenticeships then they might not be the brightest pencils in the box.

Not everyone is a winner in life and there are certain endeavors that someone might attempt in life that will give them that feed back (good or really bad). It means you might have to go to a community college or date someone else who is barely average.

I don't know if these self esteem issues the OP has are all in her head from mean girls or if she has had legitimate negative feed back from a lot of guys she wanted to go out with that did not like her.

It's feedback from people that she wouldn't even lend her library card to.

So much of beauty shines through from the inside. I know women who are drop-dead gorgeous, who crinkle up their faces every time they look in the mirror. They think every compliment is just people "being nice". All they see are flaws and ugliness.

I'm not winning any beauty contests myself. I don't get chased down the street by photographers, and I don't make little children scream in terror, either. I'm somewhere in the middle with everyone else. But I've learned that beauty is a lot more about how you see yourself than how others see you. And if you choose to look at yourself through the eyes of "mean girls" or adolescent jackasses, there is no one who will ever convince you that you are beautiful.

 

[russianorth]

It's feedback from people that she wouldn't even lend her library card to.

So much of beauty shines through from the inside. I know women who are drop-dead gorgeous, who crinkle up their faces every time they look in the mirror. They think every compliment is just people "being nice". All they see are flaws and ugliness.

I'm not winning any beauty contests myself. I don't get chased down the street by photographers, and I don't make little children scream in terror, either. I'm somewhere in the middle with everyone else. But I've learned that beauty is a lot more about how you see yourself than how others see you. And if you choose to look at yourself through the eyes of "mean girls" or adolescent jackasses, there is no one who will ever convince you that you are beautiful.

Yea I mean there are models (10's) and then super ugly people (1's) but everyone inbetween is not created equal. There are HUGE differences in where someone stands in the dating pecking order between say a 5/6 and a 7/8.

5/6 is the barely average and then the 7/8 is the girl next door. Whether your comfortable putting a number on it or not its a real thing.

Now I agree with you that who a woman is on the inside and what is going on in her head is more important than how heavy she is or how attractive she is. But I really do think that is developed from having a lack of options on my part.

I bet even though those girls that are downing on them selves (but who are really hot) have no shortage of boyfriends or have a really great husband. They may have their little self esteem thing going on in the bathroom right before she goes to the opera with her doctor husband who looks like George colony but that is a WHOLE different deal from being truly below average and having a lack of dating options and all the frustration that comes with that.

Its like the guy with a PhD from MIT saying man im really stupid I just forgot to divide by that factor vs a guy that just flunked college algebra and is going to have to go dig ditches for a living now.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Yea I mean there are models (10's) and then super ugly people (1's) but everyone inbetween is not created equal. There are HUGE differences in where someone stands in the dating pecking order between say a 5/6 and a 7/8.

5/6 is the barely average and then the 7/8 is the girl next door. Whether your comfortable putting a number on it or not its a real thing.

Now I agree with you that who a woman is on the inside and what is going on in her head is more important than how heavy she is or how attractive she is. But I really do think that is developed from having a lack of options on my part.

I bet even though those girls that are downing on them selves (but who are really hot) have no shortage of boyfriends or have a really great husband. They may have their little self esteem thing going on in the bathroom right before she goes to the opera with her doctor husband who looks like George colony but that is a WHOLE different deal from being truly below average and having a lack of dating options and all the frustration that comes with that.

Its like the guy with a PhD from MIT saying man im really stupid I just forgot to divide by that factor vs a guy that just flunked college algebra and is going to have to go dig ditches for a living now.

Okay, that's great, but leothelioness has a photo on her profile, and she is gorgeous. So seeingeye's advice is really, really relevant for her.

 

[seeingeyes]

Yea I mean there are models (10's) and then super ugly people (1's) but everyone inbetween is not created equal. There are HUGE differences in where someone stands in the dating pecking order between say a 5/6 and a 7/8.

5/6 is the barely average and then the 7/8 is the girl next door. Whether your comfortable putting a number on it or not its a real thing.

Now I agree with you that who a woman is on the inside and what is going on in her head is more important than how heavy she is or how attractive she is. But I really do think that is developed from having a lack of options on my part.

I bet even though those girls that are downing on them selves (but who are really hot) have no shortage of boyfriends or have a really great husband. They may have their little self esteem thing going on in the bathroom right before she goes to the opera with her doctor husband who looks like George colony but that is a WHOLE different deal from being truly below average and having a lack of dating options and all the frustration that comes with that.

Its like the guy with a PhD from MIT saying man im really stupid I just forgot to divide by that factor vs a guy that just flunked college algebra and is going to have to go dig ditches for a living now.

Sure, there are benefits that come from being beautiful, just as there are benefits that come from being rich. But for as long as one's view of oneself comes primarily from what other people think, one will hate themselves.

A man who dig ditches for a living can be forever discontent with his lot in life, or he can do his work with pride, not letting anyone look down on him. He may, in the end, live as well as the PhD.

 

[russianorth]

Okay, that's great, but leothelioness has a photo on her profile, and she is gorgeous. So seeingeye's advice is really, really relevant for her.

Oh yea, sorry about that. I am not sure what her issue is, she should have men linning up and the other women are probably jealous.

 

[leothelioness]

Oh yea, sorry about that. I am not sure what her issue is, she should have men linning up and the other women are probably jealous.

Actually it was guys that picked one me, not girls. And they're not exactly "lining up" for me even now.

 

[seeingeyes]

Actually it was guys that picked one me, not girls. And they're not exactly "lining up" for me even now.

And your insecurity puts you in danger of latching onto the first one who winks at you.