HOW CAN I TELL???

[davemark]

Hi.

I'm a married mom of 20 years with 3 kids. Husband is a Christian and we know all about the "love languages", needs, etc. We've been thru Christian counseling, thru marriage conferences, you name it.

I still can't believe how much we fight and I can't tell if it's me or him.

If it's me---I need some advice on how to change...

If it's him----he's convinced it's me and how can I change that???

My problems) Past baggage of family who didn't provide love...
Severe insecurity....
Paranoia over damaging kids.....
Hate my job and am lousy at it....
Can't change my job (I do daycare, home with my kids too much
of a plus, yadda, yadda, yadda-way too much to go into and
have checked out other opportunities)
Resentment of husband for not working (He's finishing degree)
Spend money behind his back....
Have lost respect for him and can't fake it.....
Severe temper and yelling problems with kids....
Way too much more to mention....
Very oversensitive....
His) Volatile temper....
Violent in past....
Yeller at kids....
Feels smarter and superior to me....
Thinks I lack common sense...
He says he loves me....doesn't act like it....
Insists he's come a long way in his Christian walk and changed...
Insists I haven't improved atall....
Very insensitive and blunt the way he says things....Yet insists I need the tougher skin...
Extremely critical of me and the way I do things...

We can't afford more counseling....I know it doesnt' really matter who it is....It's probably both of us...But my biggest problem is this. I know it's a "both of us" problem. He insists it's only me. That gets real old. Especially with my self esteem issues. I start going into a deep depression and things only get worse. I pray a lot but seem to just be "going thru the motions" and don't feel His presence...

Any advice would be appreciated.... Jeannie

 

[butterflylove]

Oh Jeannie, I feel for you. In your situation you are not alone, many couples have the same problem. And for someone on the outside, It seems so easy to say want can make it better, but deep down within you, your answers are already there. I hope with this, it will stir something in you that reveals your truth. You say you hate your job and you also say you resent your husband for finishing his degree. You say he yells at the kids, but you also say you yell at the kids. I can tell you love him, cause it won't heard if you didn't. I understand what you mean when you say you pray but, your don't feel his presence. I've found for me, that letting go of the feeling like I can't say it all to god helps me open up. I tell him what I know Im wrong about and ask him to reveal to me what else I'm doing wrong and help me to correct it. For you I'd suggest, asking him to give your husband more understanding and patients. As women we are very complex and sensitive, but also realize just as you have baggage from your past due to lack of love, he may have his own, but men do not express there feelings about lack of love as a child, or if they feel overwhelmed, they at times show it in there actions. I'm praying for you, I'm believing that things will get better for you. Remeber that God is the great consuler and he is free. Look to heaven and cry out from your heart and soul for help. God knows his children, and when he hears our cries, he answers.

 

[Jenna]

Hi Jeannie

How can you tell who is causing the stress? You've already said that it's both of you, and I agree with you there. Regardless of who does the insulting first, who has the first tantrum, who yells first, it sounds like you both are feeding each other's problems.

We have a few very helpful threads going right now, which I definitely encourage you to participate in. Sometimes it does a lot of good for us to take a moment to reflect on what we love about our spouses, what GOOD things are spouses have done for us, and ways that we can change our own behavior to show our spouses the love and respect that they deserve.

Just as a side note, you might find it a great treat to get a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

*hugs* To be honest, it sounds like y'all have way too much stress in your home. Do you think that there are any ways that you can help alleviate some of it? Are you both real busy? Is there any way to dump some of the stuff off your plate so you have more 'quality time' to spend together? How do you both cope with stress?

Ok, I'll stop babbling. However, let me just say that we're all here for you. If you are having specific problems, we can help point you toward Scripture that would be of some help. We can (and will) lift you and your family up in prayer. If you just need folks to talk to, hey, there are some very awesome people around here with which to talk. Just let us know where you need some support, and you'll have it.

 

[LadyBird]

I think that you just need to focus on changing your behaviour and your husband needs to focus on changing his behaviour. So often people try and change each other, when really, we aren't the ones who can change someone else, it has to be something that a person wants to do and it has to be a person changing themself otherwise there will be a lot of resentment. That's all I can really say...and I agree with Jenna.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It takes two people to work together to be able to communicate constructively and not fight. If one is pinning it all on the other then that is it's own problem. So then your husband is contributing to the problem.
I had to lay my ego and pride to rest.

 

[sarah marie]

I have a little assignment for you. It's going to take a lot of courage. Pray for the strength and courage to do it. God will give it to you. Ask your husband to sit down (no distractions), take his hands in yours and confess to him what you've been doing. Something like this: "Honey, I have some apologies to make to you. I have not been treating you kind. I haven't trusted you to work out your own parenting style with the kids. I've been resentful and disrespectful to you....." You get the idea. Use your own words, but limit it to your actions only. Don't hold back. Don't wait or expect him to reciprocate. Just lovingly take responsibility for your own actions. Let him know that you are committing yourself to teaming up with him. Let him know you might need some patience from him as you work this out. Do not discuss or in any way initiate a discussion with him about what he needs to change. That is something that is entirely up to him and needs to come from his heart and the Holy Spirit will take it from there. What you will do is pave the way by allowing the God to start his work in YOU. That is something that is not dependant on your husband taking action. Ask God to remove your fears and allow you to make yourself vulnerable. This is not a gimic to change your husband. The beauty of this assignment is the presence of the Holy Spirit.

By the way, the assignment I gave you is one I've done myself. I won't ruin the ending by telling you what can and probably will happen, but it's well worth it.

 

[sarah marie]

It takes two people to work together to be able to communicate constructively and not fight. If one is pinning it all on the other then that is it's own problem. So then your husband is contributing to the problem.
I had to lay my ego and pride to rest.

Thanks for saying that. I don't quite agree with it, since she can't change her husband's attitude for him. She also can't wait him out to see if he'll make the first move and lose her marriage in the process.

When I read what you said I suddenly got this humorous scenario. God says that when we marry we become one flesh, right. Imagine one person with two distinct and different halves. The right side of the brain (his will) and body is the husband. The left side of the brain (her will) and body is the wife. Each side is smacking and kicking the other. Because the left side won't stop, the right side sure isn't going to give in and visa versa. "I would stop it if you would, but you won't so YOU leave me no other choice than to defend myself!" The problem is that they are one flesh and they both feel the pain and experience the damage and ultimate death that will result. What if only one side stopped, let's say the left stopped and instead started caressing and attending to the wounds on the right side. Wouldn't the damage be cut by half immediately? Wouldn't the right side feel the healing taking place?

 

[tammyhw67]

I wish I had good advise to give you but I dont, I think that sarah marie is giving you some pretty good words of wisdom, I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, keep the faith and trust God no matter what.
LOVE IN CHRIST< tammyhw67

 

[Cubbs]

I have a little assignment for you. It's going to take a lot of courage. Pray for the strength and courage to do it. God will give it to you. Ask your husband to sit down (no distractions), take his hands in yours and confess to him what you've been doing. Something like this: "Honey, I have some apologies to make to you. I have not been treating you kind. I haven't trusted you to work out your own parenting style with the kids. I've been resentful and disrespectful to you....." You get the idea. Use your own words, but limit it to your actions only. Don't hold back. Don't wait or expect him to reciprocate. Just lovingly take responsibility for your own actions. Let him know that you are committing yourself to teaming up with him. Let him know you might need some patience from him as you work this out. Do not discuss or in any way initiate a discussion with him about what he needs to change. That is something that is entirely up to him and needs to come from his heart and the Holy Spirit will take it from there. What you will do is pave the way by allowing the God to start his work in YOU. That is something that is not dependant on your husband taking action. Ask God to remove your fears and allow you to make yourself vulnerable. This is not a gimic to change your husband. The beauty of this assignment is the presence of the Holy Spirit.

By the way, the assignment I gave you is one I've done myself. I won't ruin the ending by telling you what can and probably will happen, but it's well worth it.

Yea this is a huge bingo step. Honestly, I know jack about marriage in comparison to most cuz its been only four years and no kids. So with humility: I have found though that this quite often brings everyone on a level playing field, building instead of dividing. The guy just doesnt want to admit he's wrong. God has your back sister. Always had, always will.

 

[suzie]

I'm a married mom of 20 years with 3 kids. Husband is a Christian and we know all about the "love languages", needs, etc. We've been thru Christian counseling, thru marriage conferences, you name it.

I still can't believe how much we fight and I can't tell if it's me or him.

If it's me---I need some advice on how to change...

If it's him----he's convinced it's me and how can I change that???

My problems) Past baggage of family who didn't provide love...
Severe insecurity....
Paranoia over damaging kids.....
Hate my job and am lousy at it....
Can't change my job (I do daycare, home with my kids too much
of a plus, yadda, yadda, yadda-way too much to go into and
have checked out other opportunities)
Resentment of husband for not working (He's finishing degree)
Spend money behind his back....
Have lost respect for him and can't fake it.....
Severe temper and yelling problems with kids....
Way too much more to mention....
Very oversensitive....
His) Volatile temper....
Violent in past....
Yeller at kids....
Feels smarter and superior to me....
Thinks I lack common sense...
He says he loves me....doesn't act like it....
Insists he's come a long way in his Christian walk and changed...
Insists I haven't improved atall....
Very insensitive and blunt the way he says things....Yet insists I need the tougher skin...
Extremely critical of me and the way I do things...

We can't afford more counseling....I know it doesnt' really matter who it is....It's probably both of us...But my biggest problem is this. I know it's a "both of us" problem. He insists it's only me. That gets real old. Especially with my self esteem issues. I start going into a deep depression and things only get worse. I pray a lot but seem to just be "going thru the motions" and don't feel His presence...

Any advice would be appreciated.... Jeannie

Jenna,

There are a few red flags that crop up in your list, and temper is repeated a few times--at you , at children....you also having a temper.... The need to feel superior to you, critical, violence, etc. You two are not living 1 Cor 13 nor yielding fruit of the Spirit living this way.
The reason you are not I believe, is because you both are working under your own power. You cant change your husband and he cant change you. Even if you try to change for him and he for you, it wont last because it will be for the wrong reasons.
You need to recommit your life to Christ and live for Him first. That wont solve all your problems immediately, but I know for myself, when I became a new Christian, I prayed to become a godly mother and wife, good Christian, etc, and instead of God granting these like a fairy godmother with a wave of a wand, I was convicted of things in my life I needed to change. My husband felt the same convictions. Even if your husband doesnt feel any inclination to change, you are responsible for your walk and to be an example to him regardless.
Sound tough? it can be. However, that doesnt mean that you allow him to control, ridicule, or abuse you. You must pick your battles to fight. I could more than likely find something to pick a fight with my husband about every day if I tried. He could probably do the same to me. We forget things, we fail at things, make mistakes, are cranky, etc. However, we succeed in loving and trying to be the best for each other. Our attitude is to support, love and cherish each other. So we overlook, underplay and forgive those smaller things and pick our battles.
You need to draw lines of behavior that you will not tolerate and mean what you say. For this, I would recommend a support system, such as a counselor, or other trusted person in your life that can be strong with you. You may have to separate from each other for a time if your problems are severe or out of control. But if God is in control of your heart and home, you can trust He will see you through all things and work it to the good.

 

[desi]

Have you maybe considered trying to be a wife according to scripture. Focusing on yourself instead of him. When I did this it worked wonders in my marriage, if you have not tried it I recommend it.

 

[Jenna]

Been thinkin' about me, Suzie? heeheehee.......

 

[phantom_309]

forgiveness
letting the past go
not picking at one another
stop yelling ( you will feel better)
learn trust
sit and lay it all out with a calm temper.
take the ggod with the bad

it goes both ways

 

[suzie]

?

 

[Jenna]

Jenna,

There are a few red flags that crop up in your list, and temper is repeated a few times--at you , at children....you also having a temper.... The need to feel superior to you, critical, violence, etc. You two are not living 1 Cor 13 nor yielding fruit of the Spirit living this way.

I'm not the original poster....... That's all. I just thought I'd be cute, but it backfired since I didn't post a reference. d'oh! heeheehee.....

 

[Paula JL]

Hi Jeannie:

I know you no doubt have a truck load that you could spill out. I completely agree with the above statement made through my own trials and tribulations.
I have been married just short of 13 years. Not quite to where you're at, but I can relate to what you're feeling. I have been to a councillor as well. What I have learned from her is the only person I can change is "myself". I can't change him or how he acts, but I can change how I react to his ways. I am responsible for ME and my actions. Try not to add more fuel to the flame when he angers. YOu need to feel good about how you're handling the situation. It's amazing how you will feel when you respond in a positive manner. That doesn't mean to act like a door mat, but be constructive and pray to God to give you the wisdom to respond to your husband in a manner that will be constructive, as oppose to destructive. I know it can be hard, but try to be positive. Don't let his painful words touch your heart to cause you to react in those ways that cause you heartache, regret and guilt. Try to let it be like water off of a ducks back. That is the toughest part. I know what you're feeling, I truly do.

None of us are perfect and we all have our own personal issues.
I'd be curious to know if he's emotionally abusing you? You say you spend money behind his back.
Is that because he is controlling you and has you on such a short leash that you feel the need to sneak around? If so, you need to ask for you own spending money that you don't have to account for. That you don't have to report to him. It took me almost 12 years to get to that point and it took a friend to say " your hubby needs to get out of his cave".
Do you feel you never do anything good enough or you just don't ever quite measure up to his expectations? If so, remember that's not a you problem, it's a "him" problem.
Are you afraid of making him angry and walk around on eggshells? If so, this is the toughest part to deal with as it's like a sentence. No freedom.

I don't want to make assumptions, but when I read "his" problems, some of that sounds all too familiar to me.
Right now you're surrounded by things that don't make you happy. Job, hubby and yourself. What is it stemming from?
You have to start doing things for you to start making you feel proud of yourself. Give yourself more credit. I can also tell you I know people (men) who work full time hours and are working on their Masters Degree at the same time. So he should be happy you're not pushing him to work as well. My point is, a person can always look at the cup half empty or half full. Sounds like you're both looking at it half empty right now and you're both in the "attack" mode. You can change how you react to him. Focus on you, that's all you can do for now.

If you're being abused in any way. PM me I'd be glad to talk to you as someone to lean on.

 

[suzie]

Oh, so sorry jenna.....should have figured that one out!

 

[anj]

Wow! It takes so much courage to talk about this and yet the reality is that it is a struggle for MANY. Being a wife and mother is VERY tough work. Then you add in the stress of being the sole income provider doing something that does not fullfill you, and the many other stresses.

It is so easy to critisize a woman that has anger or is dissatisfied with her life and yet it is the LAST thing we need. The reality is that you get up every day, you have not abandoned the marriage and are trying to make it work. You care for your children and the children of others. I can only imagine if your husband is finishing up school and you are the sole supporter that there must be some financial strain. This must add up to some serious STRESS. You my friend need a metal of bravery, a luxurious vacation, a day at the spa, ect. Unfortunatly there are times in our life (usually when we need them most) that those things are not an option.

I also have been there with the "feeling like you are going through the motions". That is a great time to be honest about it with people that care about you and ask them to pray for you. There are times in our lives that we could use loved ones to help carry us a little bit of the way. Most of all....Hang in there! God promises us a life filled with peaks and valleys. When you feel stuck in the valley it can be hard to see the possibility of peaks. My friend, it will come!!!