cairaiii said:
I've been having real troubles forgetting sins that I have truly confessed and feel sorry for.
I know that He can forgive and also forget my sins. But I am afraid that I cannot.
My past deeds always come up in my mind, especailly the worst of my sins such as the blasphemies against Our Lord and Lady.
I hate all my sins and which to put them behind me. But no matter where I am or what I am doing (praying, reading the Word, attending mass), I think of my sins and impurity.
I really need some help I feel hopeless, I have been asking St. Jude for help but still feel so impure because my thoughts keep haunting me.
Can I ever find peace? If He can forgive, why can't I forget?
The reading in Church today helps us with this question.
Brothers and sisters:
The love of Christ impels us,
once we have come to the conviction that one died for all;
therefore, all have died.
He indeed died for all,
so that those who live might no longer live for themselves
but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
Consequently, from now on we regard no one according to the flesh;
even if we once knew Christ according to the flesh,
yet now we know him so no longer.
So whoever is in Christ is a new creation:
the old things have passed away;
behold, new things have come.
2 Cor 5:14-17
Each day is a rebirth in Christ. We are not regarded by our past sins, but by the love of Christ.
If you have confessed your sins and are sorry for them there is sometimes a healthy guilt that helps us avoid them in the future, but sometimes that can get out of our control.
It can be difficult at times to accept forgiveness. To do so requires us to love ourselves, in some small reflection, in the way Christ loves us. This is not easy.
To see ourselves as Christ sees us. As God sees us. It is not easy at all.
When we are clean from Sin, God does not say
You were dirty before. He embraces us.
When we still have sin God does not say, you are filthy
go away.
He says,
Come, I know how beautiful you really are, let me clean you up and show you
if you will let me.
It can be the hardest thing in the world to understand such love, so dont judge yourself too harshly for having trouble dwelling on past sins. It can happen to the best of us.
Seriously...to the very best of us.
Take a look at some of the Saints. You say you are having trouble forgetting sins such as the blasphemies against Our Lord and Lady. Im sure that St. Paul did as well. He had much to remember, He killed those who loved the Lord. I'm sure as he wrote the above passage, he remembered what he had once done. Who he once was.
We don't always have control of our feelings. Sometimes, when we dwell on our sins it is because we feel unworthy of Christ and His love.
How can we earn it? How can we earn it, most pointedly in light of what we do sometimes?
The answer is...we don't earn it. It is a gift. Sometimes it is far harder to accept a give than to give one.
We can (and most of us have) get a gift here in the daily world and say, "no...this cost you too much...this is too expensive. I don't deserve this."
The same thing happens with Christ. "Lord, I don't deserve this. This forgiveness cost you too much. I am not worth this."
But He has said the word. And we are healed. We are worthy by His love.
But in your heart you know this. So slow down a moment.
My advice is relax. Pray to St. Paul, he knows how you feel. Read his conversion story in Acts. Read about Peter and how he denied Christ and pray that he help you too. Read how Thomas doubted.
Then look at what they went on to do. Where would we be without them? But they went through the same thing you are going through.
You are in my prayers.