how can I fall back so quickly?

I hate me. I'm a huge failure and a disappointment to my family, friends, and myself. I just got back from one of the most awesome experiences of my life- working in ministry through song, sharing my testimony, leading people to Christ, and having an entire group of people around me that love and care about me, and now, not much more than a week later, I'm back to cutting and the other awful things I was doing when I left! I've let down everyone, though no one knows about it but me. I'm disgusted with myself, and that just makes me want to cut more. Maybe part of it is the time of year. My depression and everything always gets worse near Christmas. I don't know why. One year I almost committed suicide, one year I started SIing...it's just not a good time for me, even though I love Christmas. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate me.

My friend,

Please ask yourself if you have read the Bible and prayed everyday since you returned. If your answer is yes, God is at fault and He is to blame. If no, even now, while your memory is still fresh about the fire during the event, start daily Bible reading and prayer.

Say Paul was here. If he didn't read the Bible and pray everyday, he wouldn't be able to preach us anything. He would become a dry soul within a few days.

Is any of us better than Paul?

The fire of last week has cooled off. The genuine eagerness of your soul has dried up. How easy would it be for the enemy to drag you back to cutting?

Jesus put his grace in you last week. And it is all used up. But even now, ask him to draw you back into his grace.

Rupert

Hannah!! look how long you did well! so you came home and it triggered issues and.....

sweetheart one day at a time. one thing at a time. dwell on how well you did and how that felt. dwell on the amazing exsperiances and the growth that God took you too.

now. fight. tempation will be there. you got your new job to focus into, bible study to start up again. etc.

Hannah I told you this in PM, but I will say it again. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you for how well you did. Your cutting will never cause you to be a dissopointment to me.

I have been praying for you, and I am still praying for you.

You came home and it triggered your issuses.

You'll get throught this sis. I know you will. And you know I am here if you need to talk

I gather from previous posts that you didn't cut for a while...that is a huge step! Just doing that shows me how strong you are and how close you are to God. You can fight this with God! Pray that God will be near to you when you're struggling...pray...

stay strong!
-Adam

[Aside from the prayer I just said I will be praying for you ]

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:

I hate me. I'm a huge failure and a disappointment to my family, friends, and myself. I just got back from one of the most awesome experiences of my life- working in ministry through song, sharing my testimony, leading people to Christ, and having an entire group of people around me that love and care about me, and now, not much more than a week later, I'm back to cutting and the other awful things I was doing when I left! I've let down everyone, though no one knows about it but me. I'm disgusted with myself, and that just makes me want to cut more. Maybe part of it is the time of year. My depression and everything always gets worse near Christmas. I don't know why. One year I almost committed suicide, one year I started SIing...it's just not a good time for me, even though I love Christmas. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate me.

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First of all... Do not claim depression as yours unless you want it. Depression is not yours, it is the devil's, and he can have it back. This isn't your cutting. It's the devil's, and he can have that back too.

Don't confess and claim these things unless you want them. Saying MY depression and MY cutting is owning it... keeping it. Depression is a spirit. It isn't a feeling or even a thought. Self-injury is a spirit too. It isn't an action or a feeling. You may keep this if you'd like, but if you don't want it, one thing that will help is not owning it and calling it yours. It's the depression and the cutting.

What the devil is trying to do through these things is steal your joy, steal your peace, and trying to destroy the place of God... Your body.

Don't let him win this. This is your battle, and you will win if you want to. Self-injury is not yours. Throw it back in his face. He was the one that first put the thoughts in your head. He was the one that gave you the ideas. He started this, and the Holy Ghost, with your help, is going to end this and shove it down his throat.

You are a child of God, and you are a servant to whom you obey. Obey God and not what this is telling you. Don't let it control you. Give it to God and let him take care of it.

Hope this makes sense.

Hannah? I think that is your name, or at least is such which I have gathered through above posts...
I am proud of you. Now, I am saying this without ever having spoken to you through any means.
Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people. Myself included. I used to go to church camps and be a huge testimony to all these people and I would see them get saved and rejoice...and I would come home and be numb. And once the numbness ended, if it did, I would attempt to harm myself in some pretty brutal ways. Sometimes I used SI to see if I could still feel, it didn't help anything later.

I don't know what you've been through. I don't know what you're going through right now. But I do know that God wants to walk beside you. And as bad as this may sound, if you cannot let God be there with you right there, there are a lot of us here on CF which would be happy to walk with you, including myself.

I have found that you don't have to know someone, to really know them. It sounds like you're communicating with some excellent men/women above, and I hope and pray those relationships grow to great heights. I would also like to be someone, if you want, that you can talk to, or yell at, or whatever.

There is nothing to not be proud of. If you have led people to Christ, no matter how much of a hypocrite you feel like, it is a marvelous and rewarded deed. You're not a failure, you're not anything bad. Even if you cannot get out of bed somedays, I know how that one is personally, it's still something to be proud of that you are alive and have not given up. There are more things about yourself than you could probably ever imagine to be proud of. I am sorry you do not see them.

*hug*

Thanks guys. I'm just not doing that great...again feeling like God shouldn't love me because of what I've done, even though I know he still does. Reading the Bible brings hope and shame..and hopelessness actually- I have a paradox on my hands. It lets me know that God loves me and that He's already forgiven me and paid for my sins, but I also feel like such worthless, undeserving scum (which I am- we all are), and I don't really get how I could truly be God's child. I don't know. Just the entire concept of "unconditional love" is something I've never gotten.

And yeah, I didn't cut for a while, but that was only because I was in an extremely supportive environment and doing minitry every day with people who actually knew and cared about me- and there were still times I wanted to cut, and once I even did! Now...back at home...? Besides, it seems like I always have about a month and a half-two month stall and then everything gets ten times worse. I know I'm not being positive. I'm sorry. Maybe it will be different this time...who knows.

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:

I hate me. I'm a huge failure and a disappointment to my family, friends, and myself. I just got back from one of the most awesome experiences of my life- working in ministry through song, sharing my testimony, leading people to Christ, and having an entire group of people around me that love and care about me, and now, not much more than a week later, I'm back to cutting and the other awful things I was doing when I left! I've let down everyone, though no one knows about it but me. I'm disgusted with myself, and that just makes me want to cut more. Maybe part of it is the time of year. My depression and everything always gets worse near Christmas. I don't know why. One year I almost committed suicide, one year I started SIing...it's just not a good time for me, even though I love Christmas. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate me.

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Dear Hurting Heart, it is okay to feel that way... you can't block your feeling of that because I have tried before in times such as yours, but you can at least gain control. Thanking God for your blessings is one thing that I found has really helped with my struggle. No apologies or admissions, just thanking Him for anything that comes to mind. I am a musician too, and I have felt so guilty before when I sing so beautifully at church and then all I do when I get home is cut on the Lord's day with so much fear in my soul... I haven't cut in a week though. God has been helping me and He can help you too... cutting is a sin... but by putting yourself down and beating yourself up, satan just gets stronger and stronger and controls you more and more... I know... I have fought the urges so much... I know the sick, guilty feeling you feel inside of you and the ugly secret that makes you hate yourself and feel so much like a hypocrite and worthless... You are not worthless. You are the creation and holy child of God and no matter what you are going through, God loves you and He is watching out for you if you just turn to Him. He loves you and no matter what, He is there. All sin and fall short of the glory of God, so don't hate yourself for your problem. We are here to support each other and God is there to support you also! I have been there but we have to keep fighting even when we fall! I am here for you and I will pray for you. Best Wishes... Lily00

goldenviolet said:

Hannah!! look how long you did well! so you came home and it triggered issues and.....

sweetheart one day at a time. one thing at a time. dwell on how well you did and how that felt. dwell on the amazing exsperiances and the growth that God took you too.

now. fight. tempation will be there. you got your new job to focus into, bible study to start up again. etc.

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you are a lovely person. and a strong young lady.
no matter how you feel, God will help you develope and build your armor. you are His

I'm scared. I'm scared of not being sad, of not cutting. I'm scared of losing these problems because I'm afraid of feeling and being nothing. Yes, I know that's completely messed up and not true at all, but that's where I'm at. It's not that I don't want to be happy and cut-free, it's just that I'm afraid of the unknown. everytime I stop for a couple months it just gets worse and I go back. I don't know what it's like to be happy without feeling the depression always pulling underneath. I know all the right things to think...to think that I just need to let go of this and that I won't be empty and numb and God will fill me with joy- that's the truth right? It's just never happened. Maybe it's my fault...maybe I haven't been able to fully "give it to God", maybe I'm not good enough...maybe I'm not meant to be happy. I don't know.

lily00 said:

just pray to Him for there is GREAT power in prayer! Merry Christmas. Lily00

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Merry Christmas, Hurting Heart.

Rupert

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:

I'm scared. I'm scared of not being sad, of not cutting. I'm scared of losing these problems because I'm afraid of feeling and being nothing. Yes, I know that's completely messed up and not true at all, but that's where I'm at. It's not that I don't want to be happy and cut-free, it's just that I'm afraid of the unknown. everytime I stop for a couple months it just gets worse and I go back. I don't know what it's like to be happy without feeling the depression always pulling underneath. I know all the right things to think...to think that I just need to let go of this and that I won't be empty and numb and God will fill me with joy- that's the truth right? It's just never happened. Maybe it's my fault...maybe I haven't been able to fully "give it to God", maybe I'm not good enough...maybe I'm not meant to be happy. I don't know.

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Hurting heart... I know how you feel. I keep having memories come back from what my dad did to me... he did more things I can remember now, and I AM afraid of the unknown... that is probably the reason I began cutting in the first place. I fear my dad, I fear the past, and the future, BUT there IS hope! You can never hide your face from God... He sees you, He wants to hold you... He knows our fear and He just wants to take it away... To feel empy and numb... I know it hurts... I feel that way a lot... then though, I open up God's word and I read what He says and what He has done that I might be free... It just helps so much... count your blessings my friend, and you will be filled with a peace and joy UNIMAGINABLE! Everytime I fear... I go to my safe spot in the closet and I just pray up a storm... it just makes me feel warmer... cutting just leaves me feeling more cold and numb then before. Depression does seem to drag my bright mood down a bit, but God can just turn my frown up side down faster! I am a srong believer that there is power in prayer and I will continue to pray for you my friend. Merry Christmas to you and just don't give up! Life is so precious and you just have to find it again!!! Me too. Best Wishes. Lily00

hi Hidden face_Hurting heart,

wow. reading your post was like a trip down memory lane ... but a trip less enjoyable than is usually experienced by folks returning to a time gone by i did si for eight years and lived at least during the last two with a double face. i had the same feelings as you are describing .... as though i was letting everyone down by being involved in si yet not knowing what on earth was up with me or how to get my things back to how they should be.

the biggest thing i can tell you, Hf_Hh is that you need to look at your life and face each the problems that are causing you to vent your hurt, anger, etc. via si. you are obviously being using GREATLY of the lord and are demonstrating well the ability to honor him with your life in many aspects. holding off so long between si urges is a wonderful commendation to you. good job! that's so excellent. that tells me two things about you: you are strong! you have a lot of pain!

trust me when i say that i know where you are at. of all the posts on this board that i have read, your's sounds most similar to what my si experience was like. so i can honestly say i know what you are feeling. please feel free to contact me directly if you would like to talk one on one. i will be praying for you. i know how hard it is for you right now and i know that the lord wants to set you free. your part in that heavenly agenda is to do your best to remove the source of your hurt and anger, then pray for the lord's mercy and that he will deliver you from si. he can't very easily just deal with the sympton (si) when the source (anger and such from various circumstances in your life) are still undealt with.

keep up the good work the lord is going to bless you abundantly as you seek to get away from this harmful way of life. you can do it, i know you can. again, please don't hesitate to contact me if that would help any

First I just want to thank all of you for your support- it's the only support I have anymore. I appreciate your advice to pray and read my Bible, and admittedly, I don't do that as often as I should. I'll try to do it more often. Is that the only thing I can do though? Sometimes I struggle trying to pray- feeling so worthless, but I know God loves me (still stuck as for why) so I do. I'm not saying that prayer and Scripture aren't powerful things to fight this battle, but isn't there anything else? Today makes it a year I've SIed, and I haven't been doing well. I don't know...just feeling a little lost...and stuck.

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:

..... I'm not saying that prayer and Scripture aren't powerful things to fight this battle, but isn't there anything else? .....

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I agree with her. No one can read the Bible and pray all day. We need to get our minds constructively busy. Let us suggest her some of the hobbies/activities we do.

I like growing plants. Learning how plants need to be pruned and when they bear fruits is interesting to me. I don't need a friend for this.

Rupert

At Rupert's requst and for the welfare of OP, perfecting musical talent is a great way to make time fly. As is learning a new instrument or something to that effect. I also play a lot of video games, sometimes innocent types like Ratchet and Clank or Lilo and Stitch and other times something more like The Warriors and GTA: San Andreas because I can vent pain onto my pixellated character...one of the best games to try if you are tempted to SI, don't laugh, is Tony Hawk games. I just beat TH Underground (3rd release back, pretty cheap to pick up in ps2, xbox, maybe gamecube, and pc...) and I could make a character looks JUST like me by one of the digital picture features they have.

This won't work for everyone, or perhaps any who read this, but it works for me. I keep my mind off whatever is bothering me so badly and then I wreak havoc on my game and 'poof' all better. Keep in mind it doesn't always work, but when it does it is often a lot better than SIing.

Volunteering at places might help, or it could potentially cause more unneeded stress. My experience has leaned toward the latter so I am not a big advocate of suggesting it, but whatever might help I will suggest for you.

Cooking? Cooking is good. Find an elderly person on your block or in your neighborhood to care for, build up a friendship and all that individual will see is someone who is gracious and willing to help.

I pray that the Lord be with you in your day to day activities and give you strength to overcome the attacks which you have been targeted for.

PM/IM/email me anytime.

I hope you don't mind I copied this from one of my old posts...it is my testimony and I hope it will help.

I know what your talking about. I began cutting after I became a christian (which is kind of wierd I know), but I was having a hard time in my life and with all my stress I was trying to stop all my bad habits to be a good christian, and needless to say I just kept failing.
I felt so worthless and dirty. I hated everything about myself and literally wanted to crawl out of my skin. I began cutting when it those feelings got really strong. I struggled with that for almost two years before I finally prayed in a different prayer. Instead of praying that I could or would stop cutting myself and feeling bad instead I prayed that I could forgive myself and see myself the way God sees me. Essentialy I just prayed over and over that Jesus would help me to love myself even a tenth of the way he loves me.
Like a bolt of lightning I just felt a wave of peace wash over me and I broke down and cried. In that moment every fiber of my being felt charged and I knew the holy spirit was in me. I felt a strong love for God and a new appreciation for myself. For the first time ever I was overjoyed to just be alive.
It has been a long journey and I still have twists and pits, but I really am better now and I know with God's help I can overcome anything.