How can I encourage my daughter to succeed?

[Lietuva]

The third of our four children, "N", is the black sheep of the family. She graduated from high school just last month after struggling all the way through. She isn't strong academically. Despite my attempts to nudge her in one direction or another, she has no plans for her life. She doesn't want to go to college, she's afraid of getting a job, and only has one friend outside of our family.

My husband has insisted that we allow our children to be themselves and encourage them in that, and this approach has worked wonderfully for our other children. The problem is that N simply has no direction. She has very few interests of her own for us to work with; most of her free time is spent with one of her siblings, doing things they like to do. Almost all of her decisions are based on what other people want. Even little things like what to order at a restaurant when we go out to eat as a family ("What are you having? That sounds good, I'll have that too.") and what TV shows she watches ("What show are you watching? Do you like it? Can I watch it with you?") are just her copying the people around her. I think a big part of her situation is that she's realizing she can't copy anyone's skills at school or work, and now she doesn't know what to do with herself.

My husband wants to let N take things slowly and develop at her own pace, but I'm unsure of that being the best option. If we continue to provide for her and enable her current behavior, there really isn't any incentive for N to change. Is there anything else we can do for her? Is it wrong of me to expect her to do something with her life?

 

[akmom]

Well, eventually the last of the siblings will graduate, and she'll have to move on in terms of having daily companionship. She won't have any kind of connections or independence if she just lives with her parents without having a job or going to school. I get your concern.

It is actually pretty scary to step out and start something. But you just have to take the plunge, and hopefully you have a good support network at home to give you a sense of stability and belonging during the rough transition of starting something new. You didn't give a lot of details, but it sounds like maybe now is a good time for her to take on a job, while she still has a younger sibling at home (you seem to suggest she's close to her siblings), instead of putting off that milestone when she's coping with other life changes (like losing a sibling to college).

I think most people do adjust to whatever job they are doing. I've seen it happen a lot of times. Socially awkward people develop good customer service skills, because they learn the employer's expectations and they get into a routine that makes it easy. And I think those kinds of things carry over into other aspects of life too. You just have to start somewhere. Maybe it's not a job, or college, or a hobby. But I think you're right; she should embark on something, or she'll become isolated and won't have those opportunities to form relationships or hobbies or goals, or even independence (which we all need eventually).

I'll bet she has hobbies or interests that you haven't noticed, and maybe they'll become more obvious when she doesn't have siblings to "follow." But I think encouraging her to apply for jobs might be a good start.

 

[.chrys.]

What are her positive attributes?

 

[SpecialDSDaddy]

From what I am hearing, there is an identity complex. For a long time, she has probably been identified as "X's" sister. But now, she is walking into a new world where she must find out who she is outside of her siblings.

To some degree, wanting to be like a sibling is not a bad thing, but there comes a separation point. It is time for you as parents to help her explore her new identity. However, you can hold her hand doing so.

Let her stumble and fall. You will be there to help her up, but let her scrap her knees a bit. There is much learning from failing. It shapes us more quickly of who we are.

You mentioned what she does, but who do you believe SHE IS?

 

[Mayzoo]

You could give her plenty of warning, say 6 months, and tell her a modest amount of rent (50.00-100.00) will begin to be charged if she is not attending college. Then allow her to work how she handles that. She will have to get a job of her choosing or go to college, as opposed to being stagnant in her development. Explain to her that she is an adult now and as such has adult responsibilities (rent). IMO, you will not be doing her any favors by allowing her to flounder indefinitely.

You could always put the rent you charge her, unknown to her of course, in an account for her later when she does know what she wishes to do. Charging rent is not about penalizing her, it is about encouraging adult behaviours and responsibilities.

 

[LilLamb219]

Your daughter doesn't want to go to college and is afraid to get a job. Has she been bashful all her life? Does she enjoy babysitting? Maybe she can be a nanny for a while just to have some sort of employment. Caring for others could be what she needs right now. It also gives her time to think about her life's path.

 

[homeofmew]

is it possible that "N" has Asperger's Autism? just throwing that out there.

 

[JB123]

Hi there,
Before I retired, I used to be a college teacher of teenagers and adults. Most of my students were in the 16-18 yrs bracket. My experience was that very few young people in that age group have a very clear idea of what they want to do with their lives, and are still feeling their way into the adult world. My advice would be to expose your daughter to as many different experiences as possible, both educationally and in the wider world. The chances are that sooner or later something will chime with her, and she will start to focus on what has caught her interest.

Hope this helps!