How can I come back from being apostate? (Hebrews 6)

[Sabertooth]

Many scriptures reference leaving,...

1 John 1:9 isn't one of them.

 

[Sabertooth]

Moved from Prayer Wall thread.

I feel no conviction.

Then what are you bothering us for? [Think about what I just typed...]

 

[Sabertooth]

Moved from Prayer Wall thread.

If i'm bothering you, or anyone else, then I don't want your or their help.

That wasn't the point that I was trying to make.

However, I have an intellectual understanding of where this path is leading me to. I know the severity of the situation and want to want to go back to God.

Neither of those can happen without the Holy Spirit being on-board. That it worries you IS conviction!

An apostate will convince himself that he doesn't need God or His forgiveness. That is the function of the departed Holy Spirit.

You can keep resisting God's invitation to repent, if you really want to. Then you really will become apostate (assuming that you had a true Salvation experience in the first place).

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9 NKJV

 

[Sabertooth]

Moved from Prayer Wall thread.

I would love to believe that.. but I would just be taking your word for it.

Does it conflict with your understanding of God's Word?

 

[Sabertooth]

Moved from Prayer Wall thread.

I cannot think of one new testament example of a person completely falling away, to come back.

Do you mean like Peter denying Jesus three times before the [rooster] crowed [Luke 22:54-62]?
And the rest of the Disciple fleeing for their lives during Jesus' arrest...?
(I guess that I can't think of any, either...

)

 

[Sabertooth]

And that's where someone can point to the contrast between backslider and apostate

Repentence vs. remorse.
Not only Peter vs. Judas, but King David vs. King Saul, too.

 

[Hazelelponi]

You have to know what God your worshipping, and then trust in that God.

There is a God who calls you son, who says He will forgive you as many times as you need to be forgiven...

One who gave His only Son in your stead..

But you have to trust Him. To rest in His promises... because if you can't trust in the small things (that He paid the price already) How on earth can you trust Him in the big things?

Trust in the God who created you... He is all-powerful. Cling to Him as if your life depends on it.

 

[Bobber]

That being said, I have decided, based on 100 hours of research that this verse means either one of two things.

1. If a person is indulged in the things of God to the extent that I was, and does not backslide, but rather consciously turns their back on the faith.. then it is impossible that they, under any circumstance, ever return to repentance. It's not that God wouldn't forgive them if they did, but rather that their hearts will never be able to be changed, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.

2. If a person falls away after being in the fulness of the things of God, then it is impossible for any man to lead them back to the way of righteousness. (There are numerous scriptures in the NT talking about leading people going astray, back to repentance.) This interpretation says that BECAUSE they are crucifying to themselves the Son of God afresh, it is impossible. They cannot be reasoned with. But if they decide to, then they can come back.
I truly do not know which one of these is correct.

OK so what you've said is that you ran off like the prodigal son story. And what does Lk 15 of that story tell you. Give a read of it. It seems to me you've spent so much time over one particular passage of scripture wondering if you'd be allowed back as compared to actually coming back.

I'd write down all the many promises and declarations God has given us about his willingness to forgive and cleanse and things like though your sins be as scarlet he'll make them white as wool though they be red like crimson he'll make them like snow...like snow and like wool, like snow and like wool, like snow and like wool. Or scriptures like as far as the east is from the west so far will he remove our transgressions from us......get them all out the forgiveness scriptures and thank God for them each and every day.

You say you've been trained in Bible teaching but that still doesn't mean you don't need to be told and reminded of basic things. Ok you're in need of grace....God said what? He said to come boldly to the throne of grace, not arrogantly because of anything of yourself but because of the precious blood of Jesus which gives us our confidence to come before him. Don't run from God when you've sinned, or have been backslid....don't run from him run to him....LOOK...he understands.

He's not trying to keep people out of heaven he's trying to get them in. Well you keep wondering whether God will receive you? He said draw near to God and he will draw near to you. If you're going to keep resisting those statements with wonderment than forget all your trying to figure it out and just return to him.

Feed your spirit with the word of God an hour or so a day. .....take a good time of praise and worship each day....fellowship with believers all the things you'd know you should be doing. I don't think it'd be long before you find God starts speaking to your heart and you'd have peace. How long should you do all these things I've described? FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. You haven't got anything better to do, do you? Let me give you the answer to that....YOU DON'T. Here's one last scripture to encourage,

"A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish..." Isa 42:3

You may feel fragile like a reed...he won't break you but welcomes you back wanting to strengthen you......you may feel like a smoldering wick....he doesn't delight in wanting to see that snuffed out. Take heart and take courage my friend. I believe God will help you through.

 

[Dave L]

I first want to start by requesting that you'll only answer if you have a solid foundation on bible doctrines. Saying to me, "well that doesn't apply to you because God is love He wouldn't send you to hell; or well you care so you're saved;" will not help at all, nor is biblically sound. I desperately need help, but I need the help to be correct..

I grew up in a Christian home. It was forced on me by my parents, so naturally I rebelled against it in my teenage years. I became an, "atheist." Well one day, when I just turned 18, my football coach offered salvation through Jesus Christ to me. I declined, but due to circumstances set up by God, accepted his offer a week later. I chose to believe in Jesus Christ as savior, but He was not yet Lord. But God did deliver me from the insurmountable situation. I have been told my whole life that I have a Call of God on my life.

God called me to bible college in 2013, and I obeyed Him and went. There, I was heavily trained in Bible Theology, as well as ministry. I received hands-on experience with how to be used by the Holy Ghost as a vessel. I preached to people, was persecuted, had demons manifest around me, laid hands on the sick and saw miraculous healings, ect. (even saw a broken bone snap back into play with a loud, "pop" sound.)
The problem was that It was never truly about the Lord to me. I wanted to marry a girl that went to the college with me. She was an idol to me, and I never truly put God before her. I would only serve God with her in mind as the end result. It was never about the Lord Jesus Christ.

By the end of my time in the bible college in 2015, she decided to be with someone else, whom she is to this day married to. I left the bible college as well as the call of God on my life. I said to God, something to the extent of, "Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, I'm done with you."
I then began sinning intentionally with the specific intent and purpose of silencing the voice of the Holy Ghost in my heart. Since then, I have slept with 30 women, and have fallen into a more sinful state than I ever was previously in. 7 times worse sounds about right.

Since then, I have found myself in a place of absolute despair. I have found no place in my heart for repentance of any sort. I feel no sorrow for my sins, cannot hear from God, continue living a wicked lifestyle.. ect. I'm telling you, I cannot seem to break through this problem. I cry out day and night, but my heart remains wicked. If i'm honest, I only care because I know hell is at stake.

I can almost believe with certainty that nobody currently alive has studied Hebrews 6 more than I have. I have read what seems to be every commentary, every translation, and every interpretation many times over. I probably have, without exaggeration, put 100 hours study into Hebrews 6:4-6. I know the Calvanist, Armenian, and pretty much every other interpretation, as well as the flaws behind them.
The only interpretation that is completely flawed throughout is the one that says, "the writer is describing that it is impossible to fall away and lose your salvation." - the bible does not speak in such complex verbiage. It is made to where the simple minded can understand. I'm no slouch when it comes to the English Language, but trying to read it in the way they describe is completely confusing and asinine.

That being said, I have decided, based on 100 hours of research that this verse means either one of two things.

1. If a person is indulged in the things of God to the extent that I was, and does not backslide, but rather consciously turns their back on the faith.. then it is impossible that they, under any circumstance, ever return to repentance. It's not that God wouldn't forgive them if they did, but rather that their hearts will never be able to be changed, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.

2. If a person falls away after being in the fulness of the things of God, then it is impossible for any man to lead them back to the way of righteousness. (There are numerous scriptures in the NT talking about leading people going astray, back to repentance.) This interpretation says that BECAUSE they are crucifying to themselves the Son of God afresh, it is impossible. They cannot be reasoned with. But if they decide to, then they can come back.
I truly do not know which one of these is correct.

Does anybody have anything that I have missed? Does anybody have insight or a first hand experience related to this? All answered are greatly appreciated.



If you have read enough and just want answer the quick question, then stop here.. but i'm going to further expand on the backstory in this situation, to show you how crazy it really is if you keep reading.


6 months after leaving bible college, I got into a motorcycle accident that almost killed me. Before leaving the house that night, I felt something nudging at me as if insisting me to put on my motorcycle helmet, which i never would normally wear. My life was spared because of that.
In the hospital, I felt what I believed to be the presence of God, flooding the hospital room. It was to the point where even a single thought about God would make me begin weeping uncontrollably. I can't say that I've had such easy access to His presence in my lifetime.
However, in the hospital, I decided that when I recovered, I would go back into the world, once more. And so I did. This time, darker and deeper than before.

A year and a half goes by, and I meet a girl in Rhode Island. The way we met was as if supernatural coincidence set it up. (I'll spare the details but please take my word for it)… If anyone had met a person in this manner, and had the connection with the other person the way that we did, and they didn't know better.. they would think that God matched us up together. But I know what the voice of Jesus is like, and it was not Him orchestrating this meeting. I knew it was Satan.
Anyways, when I flew to see her a month later, we were staying together in a hotel for a week, doing nothing good.. when she went to take a shower. When I was sitting on the bed, I suddenly had a vision: I saw myself, with her. I saw in the vision, her distracting me... and hell was beneath us. I saw a large black arm rise out of hell, grab me, and pull me into hell. The vision was so profound and intense that it made my body physically jump, though I carried on in my life without paying any mind to it.
A year later, her and I broke up. I thought to myself, "well, at least the vision didn't come to pass." But, lo and behold; 6 month later, due to supernatural circumstance, we began speaking again, and ended up getting back together.
Well, my spirit man was constantly eating at me about this.. I could not shake the vision I had of me going to hell a year prior.
So I began to pray, more fervently than I have ever prayed before: With tears and screaming, I said "Jesus, if I'm going to end up fulfilling the vision by being with her, at least make it to where I know I'm on the way to hell without a shadow of a doubt!!"
The next morning I woke up to a text from my most radical Christian friend, who knows nothing about me. the text says the following message that I'm going to copy and paste:

"I felt God told me to anoint myself with oil and then to sit down and listen. I did so, and immediately I heard the word "friend". I continued to listen and set my heart upon Him, when I began to see a vision. It was you, walking behind a girl. I couldn't see her face at first, but only her back. She wore a long dress that followed behind her. She seemed to be young and beautiful. Delicacies like candy and color objects followed close to her.

I saw you and it seemed you were drawn to her, as if you wanted to be with her. You were attracted to her and had a desire to engage with her. You got close and even tried to touch her dress and even smell it; it seemed you would even taste it if you could.

The girl continued to walk with her back to me until I came closer to her front. I then saw her face and it looked like that of a living corpse, even a hideous insect. There was obvious evil and wickedness about her. She then turned to you and grabbed you and killed you in front of me. She left the scene and all I saw was your grave.

I was then taken to another vision in which I saw you with God. In this scene you had refused the woman and were drawn to the Lord. He showed you creation and brought you through mountains and valleys. You were both friends. He brought you before many people and you proclaimed the message of salvation to them. You were enraptured by Him and He with you.

In this scene I have just mentioned, you were consumed with love for God and it did not matter that you were single. Marriage was not even on your mind. You were fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ. "

Terror struck my soul upon reading this text message. I contacted her and told her that we were over, and that I would never speak to her again. I also told her why. She was very understanding.. and it was deeply hurtful to both of us.
I, however, believe that I felt an absolute assurance from the Holy Ghost that I was a child of God at that point. I felt a peace beyond understanding, despite the immense pain, and breaking of my willpower this burdened me with.
The following 3 to 4 nights, I began pleading with God that He would allow me to be with her without it taking me to hell. I told God how much I loved her. I told God, "even if she isn't the best you have for me, I want to be with her. I love her." I talked to her about all of this and she ended up one night, saying a prayer to give her life to the Lord, and began taking it upon herself to read the word for hours on end, and pray. However, I was skeptical that it may have been a false conversion, just to get me back.

While I was seeking the answer.. I BELIEVE to have had the Lord say this to me... "I will allow you to marry her without it taking you to hell. However, if you do, you will never be able to fulfill the calling I have place upon your life."

I chose to marry her. It felt like I was doing the wrong thing, but I went through with it.
Now you're pretty much caught up to where I'm currently at.

What are your thoughts? Does Hebrews 6 describe the reason why I keep falling back into darkness, and just have not been able to truly repent?
Please, any advice is helpful. God bless.

Are you sure you were saved in the first place?

“Those who have been born into God’s family do not make a practice of sinning, because God’s life is in them. So they can’t keep on sinning, because they are children of God. So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.” (1 John 3:9–10) NLT for clarity

 

[dqhall]

I probably have, without exaggeration, put 100 hours study into Hebrews 6:4-6. I know the Calvanist, Armenian, and pretty much every other interpretation, as well as the flaws behind them.

You have not experienced the fullness of God. You may have studied Hebrews 6 what seemed like 100 hours or not, but according to your story, you did not believe Paul's warnings against fornication. You found a way to study other things, or an excuse to not practice what was preached to you. While worrying about whether or not your lover has a sincere walk with Christ, should you consider your own motives and actions?

Paul went from voting for the death penalty for Stephen to becoming an important Gospel instructor planting churches across Asia Minor and Europe. I presume he had read the Hebrew/Aramaic scriptures for years without becoming good before he was called on the road to Damascus. All that scripture reading had not produced faith, until he found himself begging for mercy from one he had persecuted. Paul learned to be more merciful as he needed mercy.

 

[Sam91]

Haven't read most of the replies but see this obsession with Hebrews 6 to be unfruitful. It kept me away from the Lord for 15years thinking I couldn't be renewed. Even though He healed me of a physical condition I had been plagued with for months immediately and completely, when I was only speaking about the fact that He could to a non-Christian. That should have been enough to allow me to believe I was still allowed to approach His throne.

I eventually came bavk a week after I called out to the Lord to 'Change me'. I took out the long unread Bible and He told me to 'Get up and walk'.

While reading your post the Prodigal son kept entering my mind and the words grace and mercy.

Theologically, I agree with a lot of what you said but have spent the last couple of years learning about Proverbs 3:5-6

I seriously think you should place it all in His hands. Stop trying to bargain with God like you did in the past. Ask Him to teach you His wisdom and to enable you to love Him as you ought, as we all ought.

Praise the Lord for He is Good His love endures forever.

 

[HTacianas]

Many scriptures reference leaving, as well as ones on return. I'm addressing Hebrews 6.. which seems to be the most accurate pertaining to my situation

If I can ask a few questions, trying to help.

What did your bible college teach you about Hebrews 6?

How do you view people who tell you Hebrews 6 doesn't really mean what you so clearly understand it to mean?

As far as this forum goes, what is your reaction to the answers you've gotten so far?

 

[AlexDTX]

While I was seeking the answer.. I BELIEVE to have had the Lord say this to me... "I will allow you to marry her without it taking you to hell. However, if you do, you will never be able to fulfill the calling I have place upon your life."

You have your answer. You are saved, but diminished because you chose the lesser glory. I don't see the point of your story. You made you bed, lie in and enjoy instead of whining about it.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Once our sin bothers us enough (if born again or being called) we will stop doing it and repent finally realizing that the pain of it all is just not worth it.

The older I get I sin less but, my sin bothers me more.

M-Bob

 

[akaDaScribe]

I first want to start by requesting that you'll only answer if you have a solid foundation on bible doctrines. Saying to me, "well that doesn't apply to you because God is love He wouldn't send you to hell; or well you care so you're saved;" will not help at all, nor is biblically sound. I desperately need help, but I need the help to be correct..

I grew up in a Christian home. It was forced on me by my parents, so naturally I rebelled against it in my teenage years. I became an, "atheist." Well one day, when I just turned 18, my football coach offered salvation through Jesus Christ to me. I declined, but due to circumstances set up by God, accepted his offer a week later. I chose to believe in Jesus Christ as savior, but He was not yet Lord. But God did deliver me from the insurmountable situation. I have been told my whole life that I have a Call of God on my life.

God called me to bible college in 2013, and I obeyed Him and went. There, I was heavily trained in Bible Theology, as well as ministry. I received hands-on experience with how to be used by the Holy Ghost as a vessel. I preached to people, was persecuted, had demons manifest around me, laid hands on the sick and saw miraculous healings, ect. (even saw a broken bone snap back into play with a loud, "pop" sound.)
The problem was that It was never truly about the Lord to me. I wanted to marry a girl that went to the college with me. She was an idol to me, and I never truly put God before her. I would only serve God with her in mind as the end result. It was never about the Lord Jesus Christ.

By the end of my time in the bible college in 2015, she decided to be with someone else, whom she is to this day married to. I left the bible college as well as the call of God on my life. I said to God, something to the extent of, "Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, I'm done with you."
I then began sinning intentionally with the specific intent and purpose of silencing the voice of the Holy Ghost in my heart. Since then, I have slept with 30 women, and have fallen into a more sinful state than I ever was previously in. 7 times worse sounds about right.

Since then, I have found myself in a place of absolute despair. I have found no place in my heart for repentance of any sort. I feel no sorrow for my sins, cannot hear from God, continue living a wicked lifestyle.. ect. I'm telling you, I cannot seem to break through this problem. I cry out day and night, but my heart remains wicked. If i'm honest, I only care because I know hell is at stake.

I can almost believe with certainty that nobody currently alive has studied Hebrews 6 more than I have. I have read what seems to be every commentary, every translation, and every interpretation many times over. I probably have, without exaggeration, put 100 hours study into Hebrews 6:4-6. I know the Calvanist, Armenian, and pretty much every other interpretation, as well as the flaws behind them.
The only interpretation that is completely flawed throughout is the one that says, "the writer is describing that it is impossible to fall away and lose your salvation." - the bible does not speak in such complex verbiage. It is made to where the simple minded can understand. I'm no slouch when it comes to the English Language, but trying to read it in the way they describe is completely confusing and asinine.

That being said, I have decided, based on 100 hours of research that this verse means either one of two things.

1. If a person is indulged in the things of God to the extent that I was, and does not backslide, but rather consciously turns their back on the faith.. then it is impossible that they, under any circumstance, ever return to repentance. It's not that God wouldn't forgive them if they did, but rather that their hearts will never be able to be changed, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.

2. If a person falls away after being in the fulness of the things of God, then it is impossible for any man to lead them back to the way of righteousness. (There are numerous scriptures in the NT talking about leading people going astray, back to repentance.) This interpretation says that BECAUSE they are crucifying to themselves the Son of God afresh, it is impossible. They cannot be reasoned with. But if they decide to, then they can come back.
I truly do not know which one of these is correct.

Does anybody have anything that I have missed? Does anybody have insight or a first hand experience related to this? All answered are greatly appreciated.



If you have read enough and just want answer the quick question, then stop here.. but i'm going to further expand on the backstory in this situation, to show you how crazy it really is if you keep reading.


6 months after leaving bible college, I got into a motorcycle accident that almost killed me. Before leaving the house that night, I felt something nudging at me as if insisting me to put on my motorcycle helmet, which i never would normally wear. My life was spared because of that.
In the hospital, I felt what I believed to be the presence of God, flooding the hospital room. It was to the point where even a single thought about God would make me begin weeping uncontrollably. I can't say that I've had such easy access to His presence in my lifetime.
However, in the hospital, I decided that when I recovered, I would go back into the world, once more. And so I did. This time, darker and deeper than before.

A year and a half goes by, and I meet a girl in Rhode Island. The way we met was as if supernatural coincidence set it up. (I'll spare the details but please take my word for it)… If anyone had met a person in this manner, and had the connection with the other person the way that we did, and they didn't know better.. they would think that God matched us up together. But I know what the voice of Jesus is like, and it was not Him orchestrating this meeting. I knew it was Satan.
Anyways, when I flew to see her a month later, we were staying together in a hotel for a week, doing nothing good.. when she went to take a shower. When I was sitting on the bed, I suddenly had a vision: I saw myself, with her. I saw in the vision, her distracting me... and hell was beneath us. I saw a large black arm rise out of hell, grab me, and pull me into hell. The vision was so profound and intense that it made my body physically jump, though I carried on in my life without paying any mind to it.
A year later, her and I broke up. I thought to myself, "well, at least the vision didn't come to pass." But, lo and behold; 6 month later, due to supernatural circumstance, we began speaking again, and ended up getting back together.
Well, my spirit man was constantly eating at me about this.. I could not shake the vision I had of me going to hell a year prior.
So I began to pray, more fervently than I have ever prayed before: With tears and screaming, I said "Jesus, if I'm going to end up fulfilling the vision by being with her, at least make it to where I know I'm on the way to hell without a shadow of a doubt!!"
The next morning I woke up to a text from my most radical Christian friend, who knows nothing about me. the text says the following message that I'm going to copy and paste:

"I felt God told me to anoint myself with oil and then to sit down and listen. I did so, and immediately I heard the word "friend". I continued to listen and set my heart upon Him, when I began to see a vision. It was you, walking behind a girl. I couldn't see her face at first, but only her back. She wore a long dress that followed behind her. She seemed to be young and beautiful. Delicacies like candy and color objects followed close to her.

I saw you and it seemed you were drawn to her, as if you wanted to be with her. You were attracted to her and had a desire to engage with her. You got close and even tried to touch her dress and even smell it; it seemed you would even taste it if you could.

The girl continued to walk with her back to me until I came closer to her front. I then saw her face and it looked like that of a living corpse, even a hideous insect. There was obvious evil and wickedness about her. She then turned to you and grabbed you and killed you in front of me. She left the scene and all I saw was your grave.

I was then taken to another vision in which I saw you with God. In this scene you had refused the woman and were drawn to the Lord. He showed you creation and brought you through mountains and valleys. You were both friends. He brought you before many people and you proclaimed the message of salvation to them. You were enraptured by Him and He with you.

In this scene I have just mentioned, you were consumed with love for God and it did not matter that you were single. Marriage was not even on your mind. You were fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ. "

Terror struck my soul upon reading this text message. I contacted her and told her that we were over, and that I would never speak to her again. I also told her why. She was very understanding.. and it was deeply hurtful to both of us.
I, however, believe that I felt an absolute assurance from the Holy Ghost that I was a child of God at that point. I felt a peace beyond understanding, despite the immense pain, and breaking of my willpower this burdened me with.
The following 3 to 4 nights, I began pleading with God that He would allow me to be with her without it taking me to hell. I told God how much I loved her. I told God, "even if she isn't the best you have for me, I want to be with her. I love her." I talked to her about all of this and she ended up one night, saying a prayer to give her life to the Lord, and began taking it upon herself to read the word for hours on end, and pray. However, I was skeptical that it may have been a false conversion, just to get me back.

While I was seeking the answer.. I BELIEVE to have had the Lord say this to me... "I will allow you to marry her without it taking you to hell. However, if you do, you will never be able to fulfill the calling I have place upon your life."

I chose to marry her. It felt like I was doing the wrong thing, but I went through with it.
Now you're pretty much caught up to where I'm currently at.

What are your thoughts? Does Hebrews 6 describe the reason why I keep falling back into darkness, and just have not been able to truly repent?
Please, any advice is helpful. God bless.

Just curious, did you ask God what to do?

I'm short on time, so I can't look it up right now, but there is a story about one of the prophets. His wife was being a continuous harlot but he took her back in the end. It was an example of God with Israel lived out. Obviously it has an impact on the relationship, but it does not have to be over. I have to tell you though, enough is enough. You need to assert your will in alignment with God because you are in a very dangerous place. No more games.

 

[Strong in Him]

I first want to start by requesting that you'll only answer if you have a solid foundation on bible doctrines. Saying to me, "well that doesn't apply to you because God is love He wouldn't send you to hell; or well you care so you're saved;" will not help at all, nor is biblically sound. I desperately need help, but I need the help to be correct..

I grew up in a Christian home. It was forced on me by my parents, so naturally I rebelled against it in my teenage years. I became an, "atheist." Well one day, when I just turned 18, my football coach offered salvation through Jesus Christ to me. I declined, but due to circumstances set up by God, accepted his offer a week later. I chose to believe in Jesus Christ as savior, but He was not yet Lord. But God did deliver me from the insurmountable situation. I have been told my whole life that I have a Call of God on my life.

God called me to bible college in 2013, and I obeyed Him and went. There, I was heavily trained in Bible Theology, as well as ministry. I received hands-on experience with how to be used by the Holy Ghost as a vessel. I preached to people, was persecuted, had demons manifest around me, laid hands on the sick and saw miraculous healings, ect. (even saw a broken bone snap back into play with a loud, "pop" sound.)
The problem was that It was never truly about the Lord to me. I wanted to marry a girl that went to the college with me. She was an idol to me, and I never truly put God before her. I would only serve God with her in mind as the end result. It was never about the Lord Jesus Christ.

By the end of my time in the bible college in 2015, she decided to be with someone else, whom she is to this day married to. I left the bible college as well as the call of God on my life. I said to God, something to the extent of, "Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, I'm done with you."
I then began sinning intentionally with the specific intent and purpose of silencing the voice of the Holy Ghost in my heart. Since then, I have slept with 30 women, and have fallen into a more sinful state than I ever was previously in. 7 times worse sounds about right.

Since then, I have found myself in a place of absolute despair. I have found no place in my heart for repentance of any sort.

If you had no place in your heart for repentance of any sort, I do not believe you would be writing on a Christian forum, asking for advice, in despair and desperate to know if Hebrews 6 applies to you.
I don't think you'd care.

I feel no sorrow for my sins, cannot hear from God, continue living a wicked lifestyle.. ect. I'm telling you, I cannot seem to break through this problem. I cry out day and night, but my heart remains wicked. If i'm honest, I only care because I know hell is at stake.

Yet you listened to your friend who had the vision, you have said that you "know what God's voice sounds like" - not every Christian can say that - and you called out to him to ask if you could marry someone without being sent to hell.

Sounds to me like you are still seeking, and God is still showing you he wants you to love and serve him.

I can almost believe with certainty that nobody currently alive has studied Hebrews 6 more than I have.

Then - unless you have been taking it out of context and just looking at a few verses - you should know that Hebrews was written to a church that was made up of Jewish, and Gentile, Christians. They are facing persecution; however imminent and severe. Jewish Christians could escape any persecution that was coming by saying "I'm not Christian, I'm Jewish" - this would save their lives, and it seems that some were considering this. But in order to be accepted again by the Synagogues, these people would have had to stand up and say "I made a mistake; Jesus is not the Christ, I recommit myself to Judaism." They may have been thinking that they would save their lives, and become Christians again once the danger was over.

The author urges them not to do this.
He spends several chapters explaining how Jesus is greater than Moses, the law, the temple - and is in fact the great High Priest who offers sacrifices for sin, and was also himself the sacrifice. In Hebrews 6 he is saying that if they stand in the synagogues and publicly deny their faith and the Lordship of Christ, they will be unable to turn back and say "I made another mistake; he is Lord" afterwards - both Jews and Christians would reject them at that point.

The only interpretation that is completely flawed throughout is the one that says, "the writer is describing that it is impossible to fall away and lose your salvation." - the bible does not speak in such complex verbiage. It is made to where the simple minded can understand. I'm no slouch when it comes to the English Language, but trying to read it in the way they describe is completely confusing and asinine.

So read those verses in context of the chapter, and indeed whole book, and what you know of why the book was written - instead of isolating them and saying, "well I sinned so I can't return; Hebrews says so." Because THAT interpretation contradicts other Scripture which says that if we confess our sins God will forgive us, 1 John 1:9. Jesus says we should forgive 70 x 7, in other words, endlessly, and elsewhere he says that we forgive as God does.
As I see it, God is still reaching out, and talking, to you, and you are still searching for, and talking to, him. You are also, as I said, asking other Christians for advice - your heart is not so hardened that you don't care.

To be continued; I need to go out.

 

[paul1149]

Hi Curtis,

A very compelling post. So you did marry the girl?

I will sketch out my understanding of Heb. 6 and 10.

In Heb. 6, the author states he is writing stylistically, "in this manner". He explicitly states he is writing as a warning, not a condemnation. He says it is impossible to renew an apostate to repentance, but Jesus has said that what is impossible with man is possible for God. And if you follow the writer's logic superficially, you end up with him patronizing his audience, or in either works salvation or favoritism by God, neither of which is possible.

Watch the verb tenses very carefully. Many of them are present participles, indicating ongoing action in the present. For instance, it says "they are recrucifying the Son of God", rather than "they have recrucified the Son of God". Do you understand the difference? The second is a done deal, with implications that it probably cannot be reversed. But the way it's actually written describes a current condition that possibly can be rectified.

This same dynamic is true, BTW, of the verse about putting one's hand to the plow and "looking back". It's not as with Lot's wife, one and done. It's that you need to start looking where you're supposed to be going so you can plow straight rows. And it's also true of Heb 10.26, where the more accurate translations say something like "keep on sinning", or even, "deliberately keep on sinning". It's not one and done. It's about your current state.

Also, in 10.26 it's not just knowledge, gnosis, of the truth that must be rejected, but it's full knowledge, epignosis. You really have to know what you're doing.

Think about it. If God had given up on you, would you have received the warning about the motorcycle accident? Would your friend have received a detailed vision about you? And would that vision include an undeniable opportunity for you to repent and be reinstated? That would make no sense to me.

So I don't ask you what you have done before that led up to now, I ask you what your current is situation regarding the Lord Jesus. Are you in sin? Do you want to repent?

 

[tdidymas]

I first want to start by requesting that you'll only answer if you have a solid foundation on bible doctrines. Saying to me, "well that doesn't apply to you because God is love He wouldn't send you to hell; or well you care so you're saved;" will not help at all, nor is biblically sound. I desperately need help, but I need the help to be correct..

I grew up in a Christian home. It was forced on me by my parents, so naturally I rebelled against it in my teenage years. I became an, "atheist." Well one day, when I just turned 18, my football coach offered salvation through Jesus Christ to me. I declined, but due to circumstances set up by God, accepted his offer a week later. I chose to believe in Jesus Christ as savior, but He was not yet Lord. But God did deliver me from the insurmountable situation. I have been told my whole life that I have a Call of God on my life.

God called me to bible college in 2013, and I obeyed Him and went. There, I was heavily trained in Bible Theology, as well as ministry. I received hands-on experience with how to be used by the Holy Ghost as a vessel. I preached to people, was persecuted, had demons manifest around me, laid hands on the sick and saw miraculous healings, ect. (even saw a broken bone snap back into play with a loud, "pop" sound.)
The problem was that It was never truly about the Lord to me. I wanted to marry a girl that went to the college with me. She was an idol to me, and I never truly put God before her. I would only serve God with her in mind as the end result. It was never about the Lord Jesus Christ.

By the end of my time in the bible college in 2015, she decided to be with someone else, whom she is to this day married to. I left the bible college as well as the call of God on my life. I said to God, something to the extent of, "Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, I'm done with you."
I then began sinning intentionally with the specific intent and purpose of silencing the voice of the Holy Ghost in my heart. Since then, I have slept with 30 women, and have fallen into a more sinful state than I ever was previously in. 7 times worse sounds about right.

Since then, I have found myself in a place of absolute despair. I have found no place in my heart for repentance of any sort. I feel no sorrow for my sins, cannot hear from God, continue living a wicked lifestyle.. ect. I'm telling you, I cannot seem to break through this problem. I cry out day and night, but my heart remains wicked. If i'm honest, I only care because I know hell is at stake.

I can almost believe with certainty that nobody currently alive has studied Hebrews 6 more than I have. I have read what seems to be every commentary, every translation, and every interpretation many times over. I probably have, without exaggeration, put 100 hours study into Hebrews 6:4-6. I know the Calvanist, Armenian, and pretty much every other interpretation, as well as the flaws behind them.
The only interpretation that is completely flawed throughout is the one that says, "the writer is describing that it is impossible to fall away and lose your salvation." - the bible does not speak in such complex verbiage. It is made to where the simple minded can understand. I'm no slouch when it comes to the English Language, but trying to read it in the way they describe is completely confusing and asinine.

That being said, I have decided, based on 100 hours of research that this verse means either one of two things.

1. If a person is indulged in the things of God to the extent that I was, and does not backslide, but rather consciously turns their back on the faith.. then it is impossible that they, under any circumstance, ever return to repentance. It's not that God wouldn't forgive them if they did, but rather that their hearts will never be able to be changed, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.

2. If a person falls away after being in the fulness of the things of God, then it is impossible for any man to lead them back to the way of righteousness. (There are numerous scriptures in the NT talking about leading people going astray, back to repentance.) This interpretation says that BECAUSE they are crucifying to themselves the Son of God afresh, it is impossible. They cannot be reasoned with. But if they decide to, then they can come back.
I truly do not know which one of these is correct.

Does anybody have anything that I have missed? Does anybody have insight or a first hand experience related to this? All answered are greatly appreciated.



If you have read enough and just want answer the quick question, then stop here.. but i'm going to further expand on the backstory in this situation, to show you how crazy it really is if you keep reading.


6 months after leaving bible college, I got into a motorcycle accident that almost killed me. Before leaving the house that night, I felt something nudging at me as if insisting me to put on my motorcycle helmet, which i never would normally wear. My life was spared because of that.
In the hospital, I felt what I believed to be the presence of God, flooding the hospital room. It was to the point where even a single thought about God would make me begin weeping uncontrollably. I can't say that I've had such easy access to His presence in my lifetime.
However, in the hospital, I decided that when I recovered, I would go back into the world, once more. And so I did. This time, darker and deeper than before.

A year and a half goes by, and I meet a girl in Rhode Island. The way we met was as if supernatural coincidence set it up. (I'll spare the details but please take my word for it)… If anyone had met a person in this manner, and had the connection with the other person the way that we did, and they didn't know better.. they would think that God matched us up together. But I know what the voice of Jesus is like, and it was not Him orchestrating this meeting. I knew it was Satan.
Anyways, when I flew to see her a month later, we were staying together in a hotel for a week, doing nothing good.. when she went to take a shower. When I was sitting on the bed, I suddenly had a vision: I saw myself, with her. I saw in the vision, her distracting me... and hell was beneath us. I saw a large black arm rise out of hell, grab me, and pull me into hell. The vision was so profound and intense that it made my body physically jump, though I carried on in my life without paying any mind to it.
A year later, her and I broke up. I thought to myself, "well, at least the vision didn't come to pass." But, lo and behold; 6 month later, due to supernatural circumstance, we began speaking again, and ended up getting back together.
Well, my spirit man was constantly eating at me about this.. I could not shake the vision I had of me going to hell a year prior.
So I began to pray, more fervently than I have ever prayed before: With tears and screaming, I said "Jesus, if I'm going to end up fulfilling the vision by being with her, at least make it to where I know I'm on the way to hell without a shadow of a doubt!!"
The next morning I woke up to a text from my most radical Christian friend, who knows nothing about me. the text says the following message that I'm going to copy and paste:

"I felt God told me to anoint myself with oil and then to sit down and listen. I did so, and immediately I heard the word "friend". I continued to listen and set my heart upon Him, when I began to see a vision. It was you, walking behind a girl. I couldn't see her face at first, but only her back. She wore a long dress that followed behind her. She seemed to be young and beautiful. Delicacies like candy and color objects followed close to her.

I saw you and it seemed you were drawn to her, as if you wanted to be with her. You were attracted to her and had a desire to engage with her. You got close and even tried to touch her dress and even smell it; it seemed you would even taste it if you could.

The girl continued to walk with her back to me until I came closer to her front. I then saw her face and it looked like that of a living corpse, even a hideous insect. There was obvious evil and wickedness about her. She then turned to you and grabbed you and killed you in front of me. She left the scene and all I saw was your grave.

I was then taken to another vision in which I saw you with God. In this scene you had refused the woman and were drawn to the Lord. He showed you creation and brought you through mountains and valleys. You were both friends. He brought you before many people and you proclaimed the message of salvation to them. You were enraptured by Him and He with you.

In this scene I have just mentioned, you were consumed with love for God and it did not matter that you were single. Marriage was not even on your mind. You were fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ. "

Terror struck my soul upon reading this text message. I contacted her and told her that we were over, and that I would never speak to her again. I also told her why. She was very understanding.. and it was deeply hurtful to both of us.
I, however, believe that I felt an absolute assurance from the Holy Ghost that I was a child of God at that point. I felt a peace beyond understanding, despite the immense pain, and breaking of my willpower this burdened me with.
The following 3 to 4 nights, I began pleading with God that He would allow me to be with her without it taking me to hell. I told God how much I loved her. I told God, "even if she isn't the best you have for me, I want to be with her. I love her." I talked to her about all of this and she ended up one night, saying a prayer to give her life to the Lord, and began taking it upon herself to read the word for hours on end, and pray. However, I was skeptical that it may have been a false conversion, just to get me back.

While I was seeking the answer.. I BELIEVE to have had the Lord say this to me... "I will allow you to marry her without it taking you to hell. However, if you do, you will never be able to fulfill the calling I have place upon your life."

I chose to marry her. It felt like I was doing the wrong thing, but I went through with it.
Now you're pretty much caught up to where I'm currently at.

What are your thoughts? Does Hebrews 6 describe the reason why I keep falling back into darkness, and just have not been able to truly repent?
Please, any advice is helpful. God bless.

It is obvious that you are not an atheist, since you believe in the God who judges people. The remedy is hoping in Christ the mediator for reconciliation. "In this hope, we have an anchor for the soul." (Heb. 6:19).

I think you need to recognize that your prior relationship with God was wrong all the way through. You said yourself that your agenda was to "get that woman" (so to speak), and was never about Christ. This indicates that you never once surrendered to God to have His agenda for your life.

So what is God's agenda? To love others means that we trust in Christ for His power to overcome sin, and the only way to do that is to recognize that our will is so full of fleshly conceited desires that we have to abandon ourselves to God's care, so that our desires can be transformed by God into the very desires of Christ. This is a lifetime lifestyle change, constantly trusting God for our next steps. It's like Jesus saying, "Unless you become like a little child, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven." We can only do this if we recognize Jesus as the one Good Shepherd (guide) to follow.

Love is a choice. To love God and our neighbor, we must make the right choices. And that takes faith, because many times we have to recognize the foolishness of our feelings and disregard them, and choose to do right instead. Sometimes that is very difficult, and it takes the power of God's grace working in us.

You cannot unscramble the egg. You cannot fix the past. The only thing you can do now is to catch a vision of God and eternity, and move in the right direction from here. Suggestion: memorize verses of scripture that meet your need for faithfulness. Stop obsessing over Heb. 6. Surrender yourself into God's hands, and commit to being honest with God and yourself.

Up until now, you have been living by the flesh, yielding to sinful desires. Now you have an opportunity to overcome your sinful ways by trusting in Christ to deliver you. God has integrity; He does not renege on His promises. He promised to purify us from all sin - 1 Jn. 1:9. You have to trust Him for it. It is a lifelong journey. Are you willing?
TD

 

[FatalHeart]

I first want to start by requesting that you'll only answer if you have a solid foundation on bible doctrines. Saying to me, "well that doesn't apply to you because God is love He wouldn't send you to hell; or well you care so you're saved;" will not help at all, nor is biblically sound. I desperately need help, but I need the help to be correct..

I grew up in a Christian home. It was forced on me by my parents, so naturally I rebelled against it in my teenage years. I became an, "atheist." Well one day, when I just turned 18, my football coach offered salvation through Jesus Christ to me. I declined, but due to circumstances set up by God, accepted his offer a week later. I chose to believe in Jesus Christ as savior, but He was not yet Lord. But God did deliver me from the insurmountable situation. I have been told my whole life that I have a Call of God on my life.

God called me to bible college in 2013, and I obeyed Him and went. There, I was heavily trained in Bible Theology, as well as ministry. I received hands-on experience with how to be used by the Holy Ghost as a vessel. I preached to people, was persecuted, had demons manifest around me, laid hands on the sick and saw miraculous healings, ect. (even saw a broken bone snap back into play with a loud, "pop" sound.)
The problem was that It was never truly about the Lord to me. I wanted to marry a girl that went to the college with me. She was an idol to me, and I never truly put God before her. I would only serve God with her in mind as the end result. It was never about the Lord Jesus Christ.

By the end of my time in the bible college in 2015, she decided to be with someone else, whom she is to this day married to. I left the bible college as well as the call of God on my life. I said to God, something to the extent of, "Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, I'm done with you."
I then began sinning intentionally with the specific intent and purpose of silencing the voice of the Holy Ghost in my heart. Since then, I have slept with 30 women, and have fallen into a more sinful state than I ever was previously in. 7 times worse sounds about right.

Since then, I have found myself in a place of absolute despair. I have found no place in my heart for repentance of any sort. I feel no sorrow for my sins, cannot hear from God, continue living a wicked lifestyle.. ect. I'm telling you, I cannot seem to break through this problem. I cry out day and night, but my heart remains wicked. If i'm honest, I only care because I know hell is at stake.

I can almost believe with certainty that nobody currently alive has studied Hebrews 6 more than I have. I have read what seems to be every commentary, every translation, and every interpretation many times over. I probably have, without exaggeration, put 100 hours study into Hebrews 6:4-6. I know the Calvanist, Armenian, and pretty much every other interpretation, as well as the flaws behind them.
The only interpretation that is completely flawed throughout is the one that says, "the writer is describing that it is impossible to fall away and lose your salvation." - the bible does not speak in such complex verbiage. It is made to where the simple minded can understand. I'm no slouch when it comes to the English Language, but trying to read it in the way they describe is completely confusing and asinine.

That being said, I have decided, based on 100 hours of research that this verse means either one of two things.

1. If a person is indulged in the things of God to the extent that I was, and does not backslide, but rather consciously turns their back on the faith.. then it is impossible that they, under any circumstance, ever return to repentance. It's not that God wouldn't forgive them if they did, but rather that their hearts will never be able to be changed, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.

2. If a person falls away after being in the fulness of the things of God, then it is impossible for any man to lead them back to the way of righteousness. (There are numerous scriptures in the NT talking about leading people going astray, back to repentance.) This interpretation says that BECAUSE they are crucifying to themselves the Son of God afresh, it is impossible. They cannot be reasoned with. But if they decide to, then they can come back.
I truly do not know which one of these is correct.

Does anybody have anything that I have missed? Does anybody have insight or a first hand experience related to this? All answered are greatly appreciated.



If you have read enough and just want answer the quick question, then stop here.. but i'm going to further expand on the backstory in this situation, to show you how crazy it really is if you keep reading.


6 months after leaving bible college, I got into a motorcycle accident that almost killed me. Before leaving the house that night, I felt something nudging at me as if insisting me to put on my motorcycle helmet, which i never would normally wear. My life was spared because of that.
In the hospital, I felt what I believed to be the presence of God, flooding the hospital room. It was to the point where even a single thought about God would make me begin weeping uncontrollably. I can't say that I've had such easy access to His presence in my lifetime.
However, in the hospital, I decided that when I recovered, I would go back into the world, once more. And so I did. This time, darker and deeper than before.

A year and a half goes by, and I meet a girl in Rhode Island. The way we met was as if supernatural coincidence set it up. (I'll spare the details but please take my word for it)… If anyone had met a person in this manner, and had the connection with the other person the way that we did, and they didn't know better.. they would think that God matched us up together. But I know what the voice of Jesus is like, and it was not Him orchestrating this meeting. I knew it was Satan.
Anyways, when I flew to see her a month later, we were staying together in a hotel for a week, doing nothing good.. when she went to take a shower. When I was sitting on the bed, I suddenly had a vision: I saw myself, with her. I saw in the vision, her distracting me... and hell was beneath us. I saw a large black arm rise out of hell, grab me, and pull me into hell. The vision was so profound and intense that it made my body physically jump, though I carried on in my life without paying any mind to it.
A year later, her and I broke up. I thought to myself, "well, at least the vision didn't come to pass." But, lo and behold; 6 month later, due to supernatural circumstance, we began speaking again, and ended up getting back together.
Well, my spirit man was constantly eating at me about this.. I could not shake the vision I had of me going to hell a year prior.
So I began to pray, more fervently than I have ever prayed before: With tears and screaming, I said "Jesus, if I'm going to end up fulfilling the vision by being with her, at least make it to where I know I'm on the way to hell without a shadow of a doubt!!"
The next morning I woke up to a text from my most radical Christian friend, who knows nothing about me. the text says the following message that I'm going to copy and paste:

"I felt God told me to anoint myself with oil and then to sit down and listen. I did so, and immediately I heard the word "friend". I continued to listen and set my heart upon Him, when I began to see a vision. It was you, walking behind a girl. I couldn't see her face at first, but only her back. She wore a long dress that followed behind her. She seemed to be young and beautiful. Delicacies like candy and color objects followed close to her.

I saw you and it seemed you were drawn to her, as if you wanted to be with her. You were attracted to her and had a desire to engage with her. You got close and even tried to touch her dress and even smell it; it seemed you would even taste it if you could.

The girl continued to walk with her back to me until I came closer to her front. I then saw her face and it looked like that of a living corpse, even a hideous insect. There was obvious evil and wickedness about her. She then turned to you and grabbed you and killed you in front of me. She left the scene and all I saw was your grave.

I was then taken to another vision in which I saw you with God. In this scene you had refused the woman and were drawn to the Lord. He showed you creation and brought you through mountains and valleys. You were both friends. He brought you before many people and you proclaimed the message of salvation to them. You were enraptured by Him and He with you.

In this scene I have just mentioned, you were consumed with love for God and it did not matter that you were single. Marriage was not even on your mind. You were fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ. "

Terror struck my soul upon reading this text message. I contacted her and told her that we were over, and that I would never speak to her again. I also told her why. She was very understanding.. and it was deeply hurtful to both of us.
I, however, believe that I felt an absolute assurance from the Holy Ghost that I was a child of God at that point. I felt a peace beyond understanding, despite the immense pain, and breaking of my willpower this burdened me with.
The following 3 to 4 nights, I began pleading with God that He would allow me to be with her without it taking me to hell. I told God how much I loved her. I told God, "even if she isn't the best you have for me, I want to be with her. I love her." I talked to her about all of this and she ended up one night, saying a prayer to give her life to the Lord, and began taking it upon herself to read the word for hours on end, and pray. However, I was skeptical that it may have been a false conversion, just to get me back.

While I was seeking the answer.. I BELIEVE to have had the Lord say this to me... "I will allow you to marry her without it taking you to hell. However, if you do, you will never be able to fulfill the calling I have place upon your life."

I chose to marry her. It felt like I was doing the wrong thing, but I went through with it.
Now you're pretty much caught up to where I'm currently at.

What are your thoughts? Does Hebrews 6 describe the reason why I keep falling back into darkness, and just have not been able to truly repent?
Please, any advice is helpful. God bless.

I'm not really here to decide for you what is and is not real, but I can give an account as a trustworthy conduit from God. Miracles, visions, powers, none of them have to be from God. There are lying spirits that very often mimic holy experiences among people who are open to those things. The problem is, especially in matters of the heart, Satan can really mess you up with a bunch of demonic attacks. That isn't to say that some things can be from God, but just because you get peace or someone gets healed or you get some sign or vision or some random experience, doesn't mean God is at work. He tells the miracle workers that they are workers of iniquity when he says, "I never knew you." And today there do exist churches with real and fake miracles leading people into demonic chaos with things that just aren't good. The bottom line is, if it is something that hasn't led to you being a better person filled with more peace and more obedient to the Bible, no matter how powerful or beautiful the angel of light was it can very clearly be shown to not truly be from God.

Now, I know that doesn't sound possible because many of your experiences may have been answers to prayers or just what you needed at a particular time or in full scriptural context, at least, with what you think is context, but the mind games that can be played with those who are open to the spiritual world is exceedingly extensive. The fact you've taken 100 hours is respectable, but it also shows signs of obsessing behavior. In fact, your whole story shows much obsession. You may blame yourself for this, but that's not entirely the reason. For whatever reason, Satan has seen fit to constantly attack your unprotected mind. Unprotected, because it seems you were open to the spiritual without first being carefully guided into it, which, isn't your fault, but whoever has led you or taught you these things was not wise. It may have been yourself, in which case, shame on you for not seeking help. It may have been your mentors, in which case, shame on them for joining with false prophecy. But God leads to peace. He doesn't mar your future. He doesn't darken every room you're going to step into. He doesn't doom you.

He doesn't change like shifting shadows. "You will know them by their fruit." I was once victim of lying spirits that came through those I trusted and my own family. Through circumstances they ruined my life for a while, but they will be repaid for the confusion brought to me and time wasted, yet it is my responsibility to get back to where I started from. You are married and you are negatively characterizing that situation. Does that come from God? No, but it came from your vision. You are still looking to the Bible and you care what it says, but you are interpreting that as a loss of heart? Does that come from God? My friend there is plenty good still in you, but what you're dealing with is a matter of personal choice. Ignore the visions. Ignore the past. Put it behind you and strive toward the prize. The mature take such view of things. But Satan will keep you in his power as long as he can. He will bring your to the past, to your visions, to the miracles, to voices, to thought patterns, to anything and everything that takes you peace, to loss of salvation (which is why we put on the helmet of salvation), to your past, to your future which he conveniently interprets for himself.

Honestly. If you were meant to even be some evangelistic leader type (sorry, not sorry ) don't you think knowing how to lead a family is an important step? Please. You've let these experiences with "the divine" guide your life more than the word of God. Is it then, divine? Get back to the basics. Trust and obey. Read the book. Do what is says. Enough of this shoulda-been, or will-be, stuff you don't even really know is real. Stop looking at the book as though it is condemning you. I'll pray God changes your heart. That's all you gotta do too. "Make me want to want to change." I know you said you have. But understand that some change is lengthy. Part of your issue is all this self condemnation and spiritual stuff that doesn't seem to be leading you toward Christ; "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and prevented you from following the truth? Such persuasion does not come from the One who calls you." Rejoice in your marriage. Forget the past. Reach for the future. Stop misinterpreting things. XD

 

[Invalidusername]

I am in the same situation as you OP... I can't seem to feel sorrow for my sins and I sinned willfully after being saved.