How am I supposed to feel?

[Dewjunkie]

Tomorrow it will have been 2 months since my daughter died.  I have been extremely busy during this time, taking care of my wife, our other daughter, the new house, insurance, etc., etc., etc.  Time has flown. 

I am concerned because I don't know how I feel about my daughter's death.  I miss her like crazy, but it seems like memories of her are distant.  My parents bawl almost every time we discuss her, so I almost don't want to talk about her around them.  I don't want her memory to be a sad thing.  I had 3 wonderful years with her.  Caira hated for anyone to be sad.    

I have not been angry at any time about her death.  Confused, destroyed, yes, but not angry. 

I can't help but feel guilty, because it seems like everyone wants me to "talk about it" or "let myself grieve", but with few exceptions I don't find myself in any state of mourning.  Don't get me wrong, I miss her, and it hurts bad.  But I refuse to break down every time I think of her.  It can't be healthy. 

I know that she is in Heaven, and I know that God has some reason for all of this happening.  I don't pretend to have a clue what it is, but I have faith that it will reveal itself someday.  I guess I am just struggling, trying to figure out what I should feel.  Does anyone have any insight into this?  I have never been a very emotional person, so all of this complex "feeling" stuff has me confused, and I HATE being confused.  

Pray for me, and throw any ideas you may have at me.  Thanks.  

 

[psycmajor]

I'm glad you haven't felt anger towards God. I think a lot of people would, perhaps even myself. If you did/do feel angry, though, it's okay. As long as you don't hold onto that anger forever, lest it destroys you. I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how you're SUPPOSED to feel.

Perhaps you could write down all the memories you have about Caira, including your thoughts about both her life and her death. The sooner you do it, the less likely those precious memories of her will fade and lose their details whether you want them to or not. It would be a nice keepsake perhaps 10, 20,....50 years from now. And your other daughter and other possible future children can read it and know what their sister was like. I think the way to harvest the most memories is to look at pictures of her, spend time with her material possessions, go to her grave, go back to the place where the tragedy happened (if you're really strong, and you may be, I don't know). They are called "retrieval cues." You might want to also ask other people who knew her what they think of and how they feel about her death. That way, you can get more than one perspective of the situation.

Also, I was reading your profile. You're an artist? Perhaps you could draw some pictures of her. That would be cool .

I don't know how much you've grieved, but I don't think it's right that people expect you to grieve a certain way. Everyone does it differently. If you feel comfortable in the way you're doing it, then fine. It's really your call, not anyone else's.

These are considered the "5 stages of grief." If you "miss" one, don't feel bad about it. It doesn't make you abnormal.
[mods: I do not necessarily endorse any other content on these websites other than these particular web pages]
http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/
http://www.planet101.com/5stages.htm
This is grieving according to one psychologist's perspective (she is supposed to have done much research for it, though). Again, if you don't fit the mold completely, don't feel badly. I would not say it is necessarily a universal way to grieve that extends across all cultures and individuals.

God bless you, Dewjunkie!

 

[GraftMeIn]

Dewjunkie,
I'm still keeping you in my prayers. I'm not sure there's any easy answer to all the things you're going through. I can't even imagine what it must be like. I know that in your heart you are crying though, and remember God knows what's in your heart. It could even be that God has granted you with the strength needed to help the rest of your family get through this. But if you truly feel in your heart that you need to take some time to grieve, then find some time to spend alone. Maybe you can find a place where you wont be disturbed, where you can just sit and think about her. I think sometimes when we are surrounded by others, we feel that we need to be strong for their sake. So spending some time alone can sometimes help us get our feeling out. And maybe it would help you release those feeling of guilt.

Still praying for you and family.

 

[ZiSunka]

It's still too new, Dewjunkie. People grieve at different rates, so don't feel like something is wrong with you because you aren't feel what they think you should feel. And, you've been so busy that your mind hasn't had the freedom to go through the process.

Give yourself some time, and God and nature will take their courses.

We will contunually hold you in our prayers.

Much love to you and your family.

 

[fieldmouse3]

I don't think there's any "right" way to handle a tragedy such as yours. Everyone responds differently. It's hard for our friends and family to understand when we don't respond the way they do, though, which could be why yours keep wanting you to talk about it, or let out whatever emotion they think might be trapped inside.

 

[Blynn]

The others that have posted have given such good advice. I don't know what I can add to it.

I would just like to say one thing DewJunkie, one thing that touched me most about you was your faith in God. It shines through so strong.

I continue to pray for you, Amanda and your little one.


God bless you
Roberta

 

[psycmajor]

Originally posted by Blynn
I would just like to say one thing DewJunkie, one thing that touched me most about you was your faith in God. It shines through so strong.

  Yeah, isn't that cool!!!??? God is amazing.

 

[Redeemed1]

Could it be that the peace of Christ is at work? If you sense His peace, and are living out the scripture that says "do not grieve as those who have no hope"...then don't let anyone cause you to question it. Its funny sometimes, how we say we believe that God brings peace and joy in the midst of the storm...until we see it happen in someone. Then we figure something must be wrong with that person. I'm glad you grieve with peace...that's our Savior at work!

 

[Auntie]

Hello Matt,

I can only tell you my experience, and maybe that will help a little.

My granny, who I was very close to, died August 16th, 1996. I held back my grief for her, because I had to be strong for my mother, who was devastated with grief.

Ten months after my grannies death, my mom suddenly became ill with cancer, and my mom died on August 16th, 1997. My mom and my granny meant everything to me, and I didn't know how to llive without them. I had denied myself the need to grieve my granny, and now I needed to grieve my granny AND my mom.

But it was not to be, because on the day of my mom's funeral, my mother-in-law became deathly ill. My husband and I had to travel to her town and immediately begin caring for her. We spent weeks at the hospital with her, and then more weeks taking care of her at home. During this time, she had me to write down her final wishes, including what she wanted to wear in her coffin and what songs to be sung at her funeral.

I stuffed my own grief down deep inside of me, and dedicated myself to my mother-in-law and doing whatever I could to encourage her and bring hope and joy into her life. Never once did I speak of my own pain to her, feeling that the talk of death was the last thing my mother-in-law needed to hear.

Thru the grace and mercy of God, my mother-in-law survived her illness. I began to realize that I HAD to go home and grieve for my mom and my granny. I went home, but the tears would not come. I had buried everything so deep inside of me, that I was unable to access that part of my wounded spirit. I was afraid of walking thru that door called "grief". I was afraid of what may lay on the other side of that door. It was a journey that I did not want to take. I was afraid that I would be consumed into a black abyss of never ending tears and weeping.

But I knew in my heart that it was something that I had to do. I had prayed to God to allow myself to cry for my granny. So, I literally FORCED myself to cry for her. And then it finally happened. The grief poured out, wave after wave, it washed over me and crashed against my heart. I wailed with great mournful sorrow at the loss of my mom and my granny. The emotional pain was excruciating. As the days and weeks past by, the grief would come up in me in waves, and I didn't try to hold it back. I allowed myself to feel the loss with every fiber of my being. I allowed the grief to become a part of my life. I no longer feared it or tried to avoid it. I allowed the reality of my loss and the emotional experience of grief to integrate with the whole of my being. I was then able to carry on with my life, and once again able to experience joy and laughter, or cry if a wave of grief washed over me.

Twelve months after my mother died, on September 5th, 1998, my elderly father was brutally murdered. Not only did I have to deal with the normal responsibilities of funeral arrangements, but now I had to deal with the police, the media, the State's Attorneys Prosecutors Office and many other things. But this time around, I knew how to grieve, I knew how to grieve and still carry on with my life. I knew how to grieve and still work and take care of responsibilities. I knew how to grieve and still laugh and enjoy life.

A few years have now past since those difficult years. I still grieve, but now it is different. I no longer feel like my parents and my granny are "gone". I feel like they are eternally with me, within my heart. I hold them close to me. My love for them can never die, and their love for me can never die. They are with God, and God's Spirit is with me. We are together spiritually thru the mystery of the Holy Spirit. I miss seeing their faces, I miss hearing their voices, I miss sharing my life with them, and sometimes I cry because I miss them so very much. I cried last night for my mother, as I realized that today is the anniversary of her death and my grannies death. And yet I know they are eternally with me, close to my heart, and never to leave my spiritual self.

I used to think that I had to "let them go", as the world is fond of telling me. But I believe in Jesus, and I believe in Heaven, and so there is no "letting go", but rather embracing them eternally within my spirit.

I believe that when I die, I will fall into the Arms of Jesus. And in those wonderous Arms, I will find my granny and my parents. It will be a most joyous reunion!

I praise my Saviour Jesus, and marvel at His wonderous love for me.

 

[Blessed-one]

it's good that you're not "grieving" as others may have, that you're now back on your feet and all. I suppose it works for some people, who find release in crying, but it doesn't work for everyone....

thank God that you're still holding strong to Him, with healing and time, things will somehow turn differently; towards the best we hope.. and God'll do the rest. I'll be praying for you.

 

[psycmajor]

Auntie Belle Um

 

[Auntie]

Auntie Belle gives hugs back to psycmajor

 

[psycmajor]

 

[mel3]

DewJunkie, maybe you are feeling EXACTLY the way you are suppose to. Your faith in God can be seen through reading this post. I tend to believe that what you're feeling is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Do not let the feelings of uncertainty take away the comfort your feeling knowing that your baby is safely in the arms of Jesus. I do not know the circumstances involving your daughter's death but it is suffice to say that you are not angry. That in its self is quite a milestone, I would think. There is no one cure-all for getting past the grief stage. You are doing just what you should be doing. Lean on the One who is in control of all of this. God will lead you through this and He is willing to reveal His reasoning for this, it may just not be right now. Let it be for the moment. When he thinks you are ready to hear the answers, He will give them to you. I pray that you and your family finds comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

 

[Dewjunkie]

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate hearing from others. 

I spent time in Vegas with Amanda today.  Her best friend from high school was also in town to visit, and she asked how we were coping.  I told her that I choose to remember Caira as she was, a beautiful, unbelievably smart, fun little girl.  She was singing songs and laughing right before the accident, so I know her last moments were joyous for her.  She died instantly, so I know God took her without pain or suffering.  It's easier to accept, knowing she is with God and is waiting for us.  Amanda expressed the same feelings, and her friend said we were stronger than she could ever be.  I told her it was because we weren't alone in this.  I can't imagine going through something like this without God and faith in Him.  Or without the love, prayers and support of everyone around us. 

I only wish that all of you could meet Amanda.  Her faith, her spirit, her love for God put mine to shame.  She is paralyzed, in a rehab hospital 4 hours away from me and Chloe, dealing with Caira, and trying to adapt to a completely new life.  Yet her nickname around the hospital is "Sunshine" because she is never down or negative towards any of this.  She is amazing.  And she thanks all of you for your love and prayers.  Hopefully, soon, she will be able to type her own thank you post on here. 

Again, I can't thank all of you enough for your love and prayers.  I knew when I found this sight I had found something special.  I thank God he led me here.   

 

 

 

[psycmajor]

Just reading through some of the posts, and remembered this verse:

Luke 6:47-49
47 Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: 48 He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock. 49 But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great."

 

[BigEd]

anything I could say would be trite and meaningless.
Instead I'll pray for you and your family.