How abundant is your life as a single?

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

I think with marriage there is a lot of connection in your life: connection with spouse, connection to people like you, connection with a church that caters to you, etc... I can see how that can lead to a rich social and even spiritual life. I'm a shy person and being a single is , well, lonely. I find that it's hard to have connections, even with other singles. Even when i try to step outside that shyness and be bold and assertive, the connections i want to have I don't seem to be able to get. Just my perspective. I'm only 29 and i can imagine it only gets worse if i get older and stay single.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, mina. I'm sorry that being single is lonely for you, but I understand how that feels!

I don't think there's a magic age at which we start feeling "old and single." For some, it's 23 because all their friends have gotten married and are starting to have babies. For others, it's not until their 30s (or older!) if their peers are all career oriented and single.

I agree that marriage comes with connections. There are similar, shared goals among married people/families. When I look at my church, I see a lot of families hanging out together regularly. They want to support one another and they want their children to be friends.

With the singles, it's completely different. If we have a mutual goal, it's to get married. Even though we *could* help each other in that goal (I wouldn't mind), I've found most men and women are too embarrassed (or proud? I don't know!) to get involved in throwing singles potlucks, etc.

It didn't used to be that way. We used to have a thriving singles group. But I've invited some of the singles to a whole bunch of different singles events outside our church, and only maybe one person has even come. So even though we all may want to get married, people aren't interested in helping each other get to that goal. Maybe it's because some men at my church would like to date some of the women, but they've been rebuffed. I genuinely don't know. I think it's more embarrassment of being single and not wanting to look desperate, frankly.

On a related note: This afternoon I was journaling, and I realized that I need to strengthen my "core group" of friendships. Do you guys feel like you have a core group?

I remember one Bible teacher gave an example of Jesus, how he had three closest disciples, then a group of 12, then the crowds. The teacher said it's essential for us to feel like we have a close group of friends with whom we can share life deeply.

Often it seems like I as a single have to fight to keep that core bunch of friends close. It takes persistence and patience. People's schedules and availability keep changing based on their jobs, hobbies, ministry, other friendships, dating, families, etc.

Married people have that built-in core with their spouse and children. Hopefully, it's a healthy, happy core, although I realize it's not always that way and that some of the loneliest people are married to spouses who don't really want to be close to them. But if the family is close, then it is certainly helpful to the husband and wife to not have to continually try to pull together a core social group, as singles often have to. And in fact, I don't even have a "group" per se, just a bunch of individual friendships.

Just two more cents on the topic.

ETA: I realize I sound like I'm moaning, so ... on the flip side, I should say I also feel that the Lord has not left me alone. His presence is always near, even when I'm too involved in myself to appreciate it.

There are times when it's perfect. Or at least seems that way. When I hear of a couple going through a divorce, especially if it's a bad one, I imagine that my life might seem pretty good to them. When you are single you don't really have to plan your life around someone else very much or have to be on the same page with another person that often. But then there are those times that it seems as cold and isolated as Siberia in January. Sometimes I see a married couple that really loves each other and when they are together it's like they don't even know that the rest of the world exists and I think that I would love to know what that's like.

I pray for His will in my life!!! I do not know what "HE WILLS" except that it is perfect for me!!!!

Jenster said:

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

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You know what's so weird?!

I've been pretty content being single and even after my last break up.....I just didn't want to try to be in a relationship anymore, they are sooooooo hard!!

BUT THEN, I joined facebook and I'm coming across all my friends from high school I haven't seen in a long time and they are all married!!! I'm starting to feel there is something wrong with ME! And why didn't MY marriage work out and why am I still single?!

I think it depends largely on what we define as a "rich social life". For me, it means spending time with family and friends. It also includes ministry - of which I had not been active in for the better part of 3 years. I didn't realize until just recently how much I missed being a Sunday School teacher until I started teaching again last month. Now, I feel like my "social life" is rounding out again nicely.

Family does become the "core friendships" when you're in a relationship. My kids are part of that core for me and to a great extent my life revolves around them and their activities. But, when they are away at their dad's house, I have other people that are part of that core that help me stay feeling connected. My sister and one good friend have been real anchors in my life and I'm working on branching out and getting to know more people.

I'm tired and I've been sick all day, so I probably just rambled senselessly.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. FlNGrl, you made perfect sense, so I'm not sure what that says about me. (I AM tired, so maybe that's it!)

Hope, yeah, there's an awful comparison factor that creeps in every now and then, isn't there? Sometimes I feel the most "single" when I'm at church, surrounded by all the families and couples. Yikes. I think it takes effort to keep oneself balanced, and that involves knowing which situations make you feel abnormal (and staying away from those situations!)

Carolyn, I appreciate your faith.

CBfan, true true. I have a great deal of freedom as a single person, and I try to appreciate that. I actually do, especially on Saturdays when I don't have any solid plans and I feel really fortunate to do whatever I want to. But then there are the other days ...

Despite what I wrote above to Hope, I do think some couples in my church make an effort not to be all lovey-dovey in front of other people. I appreciate that. I hope that when/if I get married, I will remember that and be sensitive to singles' feelings, while also living as an example of being a good spouse.

So about the "core group" of friends, I've decided to plan each week and make sure I have enough social time scheduled. This week, I'm having dinner with a friend on Tuesday, lunch with a friend on Friday and going out with some church folks on Saturday night. I hope that will be enough to keep me from feeling lonely this week.

Jenster said:

How abundant is your life as a single?

I was thinking about this tonight after I read a friend's blog. He's married and I find he lives a very rich social and spiritual life. I wondered to myself: IS that because he is married?

I compared my life to his and felt it isn't abundant like his is. I know, we shouldn't compare our lives to anyone else's -- but I did!

There's no particular answer to my question. Maybe his being married has provided him with stability and opportunity and support that I haven't had. Maybe I hold myself back because I'm still "waiting to be married" before I do certain things, like buying a home.

Another possibility is that I just don't have goals and priorities. Or that my goals and priorities are different, and I just need to appreciate them.

Anyway, thought I'd throw these thoughts out there for discussion, comment.

Click to expand...

My life is growing in its abundance as a single older male that is about a year old in christian and gone thru the wringer but still praying each day. Now, to define what is abundant due to being married as opposed to being single - apples and oranges. Both ahs its pros and cons.

I enjoy aspects of being single but now and then I will see a couple thats at least in their 70s on a walk or at a restaraunt holding hands obviously still in love and I get a streak of envy.

But then I have to look at my reality of that I may be single the rest of life and I will make the best of what I am and what I got and make it as abundant as I can.

So, at this time, yes, my life as a single person is growing in its abundance. I am learning who I am with me and with God and christians as a whole, coming to grips and peace with a past that isnt pretty, that stil wakes me up at night but on the whole, it can only get better.

I'm working on this. I took the plunge and signed up for the 7 week introduction class for my new church and that first week was such a blessing. I'm going again tomorrow. After I finish I anticipate that I will join a small group and get connected in the church. My single's pastor at my "singles" church had been pushing for me to come to his small group of "hand-picked" singles and I'm going to try to do that on Thursdays.
I need to be fed spiritually relationship-wise more than just once a week on Sunday so I'm hoping this really helps and I don't end up stretching myself too thin. My kids aren't hanging out with other church kids and I'm hoping that changes too. My dd doesn't have friends which is just one more hurt. I did make a new female friend and look forward to seeing her on Thursdays.

Non-mature single crashing here....

I've been led to seriously think about adoption these past days. I realised that apart from completely shifting my life aims and organisation, it would also completely modify my social circle... And despite not being married, I'd suddenly become a part of the "family" circle, as opposed to the "single" circle...
Then this morning I woke up at 10 am still exhausted after a late night working. I realised that if I adopted, that wouldn't happen again for at least 10 years (the lying in)
It's one big massive decision but I also realise I need my youthful energy to pull-it off, and leaving it another 10 years isn't going to help. It's also something that's cropped up just as I'm started to feel more fulfilled career-wise.

So I basicaly think that when good things happen to you - like marriage, having children, and to a lesser degree an interesting career, it actually gives you more life energy to accomplish more good things.
I've always noticed how the single women with children appear to find as much, or more time for activities and socialising than I do as a single-single. Married people seem to be fed with enough energy to juggle crazy schedules.

I think that completely single people with no children tend to run out of energy faster because they're pumping themselves for motivation for everything - it's a closed circuit with no external input. Being happy (and yes, happiness is often caused by things happening as opposed to by switching on a magical internal happy mood button) makes us want to make others happy! And it snowballs.

I think family life is just "another" life. When marriage works, it's wonderful and dare I say, probably the most fulfilling form of life. And dare I say again, I think God intended it to be that way, as well.


ETA: I realise re-reading the above that what I posted probably makes little to no sense at all to anyone but myself *shuffles feet*

There's some pretty good responses here. All I can say is, I have been divorced for almost 19 years. Most of it I was making sure the kids had what they needed, and got where they needed to go. I dated some, but not much. Never really had an i8nterst in it, because of how badly I was burned in my divorces. Plus, I had seen so many single mom's going in and out of relationships,with the kids stuck in the middle, and I didn't want that for them. Now, the kids are both grown, and I am going to school, working, and selling Avon. I am content.

joanna1 said:

Non-mature single crashing here....

I think that completely single people with no children tend to run out of energy faster because they're pumping themselves for motivation for everything - it's a closed circuit with no external input. Being happy (and yes, happiness is often caused by things happening as opposed to by switching on a magical internal happy mood button) makes us want to make others happy! And it snowballs.

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No external input. Yeah, I agree with this. And maybe others here will know what I mean when I say that we can get external input from a lot of sources, but it's the input from close friends/family that mean the most, that sustain you.

I was away at a singles event last weekend, and it was great. Met a lot of nice Christian men and women. We had fun, and there's no denying that group activities have an energy all their own. But though we showed we can have fun with near strangers, that's not the type of external input that really satisfies in the long run. I'm not knocking it, but it's not deep enough.

Grits, I'm glad you're content. I guess I'm content in a number of ways as well. Well, you know, things go up and down, but that's life. But the Lord is always there, and always worthy of my praise.

Jenster said:

Grits, I'm glad you're content. I guess I'm content in a number of ways as well. Well, you know, things go up and down, but that's life. But the Lord is always there, and always worthy of my praise.

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Jen, I'm not saying that I never desire a man's companionship. because I do. But, I decided long ago, that I would wait on the Lord. When He sees fit for me to be with someone, I feel that I will meet him, and know it. I am neither worried about it, nor frustrated. Too busy for that!

For my self, I have had that marriage. When he passed there was a void that i feel like will never be filled. I feel an emptiness that I can't seem to fill. My life consists of home and work. Socially I have no life. I can't seem to build up enough confidence to get out and live anymore...

I'm like being single now. When I was single in my 20's I was quite lonely and was really looking forward to being married. Now that I'm single again, I'm enjoying the week by myself and then I have a gf to hang out with on the weekends. That works really great. She likes it also. So I don't see things changing much anytime soon.

I don't know if busy being a doormat for two employers counts as 'abundant' but if it does....I've got one heck of an abundant life going on....lol

Seriously, I feel my life is going nowhere. However, I don't know where it would go if I were in a relationship either. My married coworkers 'seem' so happy, yadda yadda yadda but who really knows?

It seems like the only relationships I've been able to be a part of have always turned out to be toxic so I guess it's just as well that I am alone.

Work, school, volunteering, life group at church, friends, family- I'm definitely blessed, and try to focus on that. I know God has a plan for me. It's hard sometimes, but I have a peace about the way life is going right now.

And, whenever the "baby bug" hits me, I just borrow my niece and nephew.

I dont think its marriage that specifically makes people more fulfilled and content, I am happier, have more friends, more hobbies now that I am single. I think it is more the quality and quantity of relationships you have with people, and hopefully when you meet the person God has for you, they will be a great friend too. There must be an uncountable number of people misserable in the wrong marriage, or a marriage that has went wrong somewhere along the line.

Good points sparky. Do you find that marriages put pressure to seperate from previous freinds and limit the time and number of freinds we do have? That what I feel happened with my marriage. In the long run it wasn't healthy.

dayhiker